Asheron's Call

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“Asheron's Call is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Asheron's Call

“It's terrible, just terrible.”
~ Captain Obvious on Asheron's Call
“I'm not your buddy, guy.”
“Asheron's Call? Never heard of it.”
~ You on Asheron's Call
AC Graphics Display

Actual in-game screenshot from Asheron's Call. High-resolution graphics like these were said to have given many players seizures and epileptic shock.

Created by Turbine entertainment in the early 18th century, Asheron's Call is an online CyberSex simulator designed for people too dumb to move on to better games.

This "CyberSexPlanet", called Dereth[1], is huge but only populated by a dozen people over all 192 servers at last official census. Half of these players were said to be post-menopausal, lonely soccer moms and don't count.

History

Originally envisioned by a mentally challenged Turbine employee with a lisp, Asheron's Call was to be based on the land of "Duress", where players partake in incredibly repetitive and boring gameplay yet are so addicted to it that they are forced into continuing to play the game. His lisp caused his fellow employees to mistake this for "Dereth", leading to its current nonsensical name. Designed as a competitor to games like Cricket, Everquest and Chess, Asheron's Call immediately garnered large support, particularly from the nazi party in 1938, hailing the game as one of its most efficient torture techniques for use in Auschwitz.

Gameplay

Unlike any other game in the genre, Asheron's Call starts players off creating a character, killing various monsters, and losing virtually all social life.

CycaDelic Eastham

The Asheron's Call city of Eastham on a sunny summer day. After applying the Ultra HiRez2 graphics pack, many players returned home from the hospital eager to play some more. "Our recent partnership agreements with local eye surgeons was my idea." - Blind Turbine Executive

Character Creation

When first entering the totally fabulous world of Dereth, players are prompted to create a perverted stick figure to explore the world in an epic "interactive sexual adventure quest". Players will look back on this as a waste of time, lotion, tissues, and anal lubricant.

There is an intricate process known as min/maxing that allows players to produce the most efficient character they can, but the creator of this article isn't a loser[citation needed] so this information cannot be displayed accurately.

Races

As Turbine deemed Elves and Dwarves "kind of gay"[2], these kinds of mystical player races were not included in the game, with players only able to pick one of three human races:

  • Aluvian: AKA White people. Racial skills are Genocide, Dagger, and Assess Person.
  • Gharu'ndim: AKA Negros. Racial skills are Carjacking, Staff, and Item Tinkering (for the construction of crack pipes and 9mm bullets).
  • Sho: AKA AzNz. Racial skills are unarmed combat. And that's seriously it.

Racial weapon skills (Staves for blacks, Daggers for whites, and Unarmed for Asians) are blatantly based on those races respective penis lengths. This has been denied[3] by the nazis at Turbine, but we know the truth.

Poop and pee on you and me.

Experience

Experience points are a completely ground-breaking and innovative[citation needed] concept in Asheron's Call. Completely different than every other MMORPG out there, Asheron's Call requires players to tediously kill the same fucking shit for thousands of hours to become slightly more powerful. This process, known as Losing all social life, has been blamed for countless atrocities, including Terrorism and Feminism.

Allegiances

Many players in Asheron's Call join an Allegiance of players, which allows them to, as a team, defeat higher level monsters and gank people that are better at PvP'ing than them. These so called "Monarchies" include:

  • Inactive Monarchy
  • Another Inactive Monarchy
  • More Inactive Monarchies
  • Blood''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
  • Another Inactive Monarchy
  • Crack Suicide Squad
  • Some more Inactive Monarchies

Currency

Currency in Asheron's Call is based on Pyreals (known to most players as How original, they didn't call it gold. This game is like totally refreshing!!!). These Pyreals are typically traded through trade notes, ranging from I (100 pyreals) to MMD (250,000 pyreals). A cheap hooker (Your mom) would cost somewhere around 3 I notes[4], whereas two Japanese twins would range from 50-75 MMD's a night.

Decal

Decal is a program developed by communists in the november of 1882. Initially created as a result of multiple suicides resulting from the game's addictive yet abhorrently boring gameplay, Decal conveniently plays the game for you while you go outside and be a productive human being. Blamed for wasting space on the internet as it devolves Asheron's Call into robots playing a computer game, Decal-using players nonetheless provide over 82% of Turbine's profits.

Notable Players

(Not that anybody Cares)

  • Jesus: The Jee man himself has been known to play Asheron's Call from time to time.
  • Your Mom: The ultimate source of sexual fetishism, your mom is Asheron's call's most avid player.
  • Paraduck: An asian Asheron's Call celebrity with a small microscopic nonexistant penis. Paraduck recently offed himself after realizing he had spent over 9000 hours playing this shitty game. People quickly forgot he ever existed, as he had no friends.
  • You: Just kidding. You haven't even heard of this game.
  • Nobody

Criticism

In early 1912, Asheron's Call was accused by the Christian far-right as being one of the most prolific forms of birth control of the time. Eugenics advocates argued that anybody playing the game probably wouldn't have, and shouldn't reproduce in the first place.

Some have blamed Asheron's Call as a major cause of war, as Joseph Stalin's communist counterpart to Asheron's Call, Everquest was less efficient at controlling the population in torture happy camps. This nearly bankrupted the Russians, causing them to attack an otherwise peace-loving German nation. What ensued was to be known as one of the most hilarious conflicts of all time.

Sequel?

There are rumors that a sequel, Asheron's Call 2 was designed. Reportedly, previous players of asheron's call prefer the new game due to similar yet vastly improved game mechanics. It is still running today[Of course not!] and is a massive success[citation needed], both popularly[citation needed] and economically[citation needed].


Notes

  1. Heard this from some guy once.
  2. History of Turbine Entertainment: Nazism and Failure, page 4.
  3. History of Turbine Entertainment: Nazism and Failure, page 32.
  4. Personal experience.


MMORPGs
Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft
Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online
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