Arthur Livingston Kelley
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Arthur Livingston Kelley (1875 - 1992) was a Professor at the University of Road Island who was made famous by his claim that Ytterbium was actually Uranium in a different quantum state. While this claim was widely regarded as poppycock by his colleagues, it did garner some media attention in the summer of 1979.
A. Livingston Kelley was also responsible for the creation of the Arthur Livingston Kelley Atomic Dynamics Program. This program was a atomic modelling program based on Kelley's wild ideas.
It has been reported that Kelley was engaged in sever extra-marital affairs, some involving house plants.
Kelley is also an Eagle Scout, War Hero, Ethnic Activist, and Astronaut
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[edit] Childhood
Arthur was born on July 9th, 1875 in the back seat of a horse-drawn taxi cab in Buenos Ares, Argentina. He was the illegitimate child of James Garfield, who would later become President of the United States, and Abby Kelley, a prominent abolitionist. After this illicit affair, Abby was left to bear the child to term, with Garfield sending her a monthly check for thirty-five cents ($.35 USD). With this money, Abby supported her Coca-Cola habit, which inevitably led to harder drugs such as Opium and Women's Suffrage. Newly born Arthur was left to fend for himself. At the age of 2, he joined a street gang in Providence, Road Island, called the Wicked Clam Diggahs, which is Road Islander for "Nasty Folk".
Not long after his 6th birthday, Kelley became head of the Wicked Clam Diggahs. By the age of 12 he and his gang had taken over the entire North End of Providence. By his decree, the gang name was changed to Kelley's Heroes (which was later the basis for a hit film). With the money he made in extortion and racketeering, Arthur bought his way into Brown University.
[edit] Kelley Goes to Brown
Arthur's years at Brown have been the subject of much debate over the past century. Most people believe (and this is also the authors view) that he hired a small mexican boy named Pancho to attend classes for him. Little did Kelley know that Pancho would later grow up to be famed Mexican Revolutionary Pancho Villa. Another popular myth is that Kelley actually did go to class, and graduated with a degree in Polynomial Economic Theory, with a minor in Ancient Sumerian. This myth is supported by a book entitled The Great Gatsby, which is the fictional chronicle of Kelley's college years.
[edit] The Road Island Boy Scouts
After graduating from Brown, Kelley was arrested at a local pub, for criminal flatulence. He was tried and convicted on December 23rd, 1902. As part of his sentence, he was drafted into a local Boy Scout troop, where he was forced to take merit badges. He quickly earned the Racketeering, Extortion, and Bee Keeping merit badges, and was well on his way to become achieving the master assassin rank of Eagle Scout.
As part of his trail to Eagle, Kelley would have to overcome three tests. The first test was held on October 33rd, 1903. The test was a simple feat of strength, he had to build, by hand, a gigantic geodesic dome in the middle of a peninsula. Arthur set to work, and 3 months later, he had constructed what we now know as 'The Epcot Dome' on the Bathroom Tiling Production capital of the world, Florida.
The second test consisted of a feat of intellect. Kelley was tasked with making contact with an alien species. After weeks of planning and calculating, Arthur attached a state of the art telegraph to the base of the Eiffel Tower and broadcast his message of peace. Unfortunately, his transmission was garbled in the Kuiper Belt and a group of passing Alien warships construed it as an insult against their tennis shoes. Being highly proud of their footwear, these aliens made war against Earth, in an incident that would later be called the Russo-Japanese War. As there was no stipulation for Peaceful contact in the wording of the second test, it was chalked up as a win for Arthur.
The third and final test was to be a feat of morality. Ike Schroedinger was called in from Prague, due to his reputation for being a moral genius. Ike presented Arthur with a box containing a cat, a vial of acid and a decaying radioactive element. Ike explained that the cat had committed a crime, and was about to be executed for these crimes. The cat had been accused of being a member of the A-Team, a kind-hearted mercenary organization that had a sort of Robin Hood quality. Ike told Arthur that he alone must decide whether the cat lived or died, before the radioactive element completely decayed. Arthur thought long and hard, eventually coming up with a plan. He went to the library and looked up the United States policies on executing animals. Eventually he came back and told Ike of his decision. As there were no laws in the US regarding feline mercenaries, there were no grounds for the execution, and the cat was spared. Unfortunately, due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, the cat died anyway.
Arthur Livingston Kelley became an Eagle Scout on November 15th, 1904.
[edit] World War 1
Kelley won the Iron Cross for his gallant defense of the Fatherland.
[edit] World War 2
A. Livingston Kelley wound up in a Japanese Interment Camp, accused of looking too "gookish."
[edit] The Space Race
Arthur was the first American to successfully box an Alien on the International Space Station. The first successful Alien boxer was Igor Romanov from the Isle of Man.
[edit] Death
Kelley was gunned down by terrorists conspiring with Dan Quayle. An autopsy later revealed that his body contained 67 bullets, an unfortunate number, as Eagle Scouts can only die from prime numbers.
