Art of Farting
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I often wonder if my ass swallowed the gas back in while I was lighting my own fart on fire, would that be the reason behind spontaneous combustion?”
“Oscar, that's not really a funny thing to say to attract women (oh wait...)”
“Oh blow it out your ass, it's a damn good theory”
“Pull my finger..... now pull this...(unzips)”
The fart isn’t just a stinky build up of gas released by pressure from the anus. No, it's a
fart form (sic) . The sound of fart is not the air coming out; it's your asshole clapping! The better the fart, the more your asshole will cheer you on! To some it's a form that they think you should out-grow, or be mature about by the time you are out of your teenage years; well I say to those people, "lick my ass, you stuck up bitch-faced-fuckin-little-cunt-a-saurus". The fart is to be enjoyed for all ages, and if you outgrow it then I’m sorry but you just either have the wrong sense of humor or you're such a jealous tight-arse that when you fart it is inaudible
" to the human ear, but all of the dogs in the neighborhood howl out in pain.
edit The Laugh of a Fart
Farting can always be found funny if you just have the right attitude to let yourself be entertained by it. A good example was when two fags were walking down the street and one said, "I smell cum", and the other says, "Yeah, I know. I just farted." Appreciating a good fart does tend to lean towards the male species brand of humor, for good reasons; One such reason is that men are not afraid to fart alone, in public, with friends or around kids, whereas women have wanted equal rights for years, but only some have let their anal airs flow free with humor, whereas the others are still under that prehistoric law and belief that girls don’t fart because it makes their ankles swell in their pantyhose. And of course the other case is that some believe girls aren’t born with assholes until they are married.
edit Is it just Pathetic Toilet-Humor?
You really have to wonder why some people consider a fart joke to be in poor taste. To analyze that theory, it makes one wonder if it means only the poor people who are so poor they have to fart into their pocket to make a cent are the only ones who should stoop to that level of humor, while all the rich posh-y people pour poop on the lower-class peasants and make their maids and servants stop what they are doing and make them climb into bed with them so they can fart and pull the cover over them and get a jolly good laugh, but such a story would never be thought of to bring up in conversation at their next polo meeting.
Therefore, it can be classed as something that everyone from women to the insanely rich will get amusement from their own fart, but just pretend that farting is a form of mediocre verbosity that does not exist outside of their inland or public reputations, due to their snobby lifestyles. But be assured, that even the Queen mother once farted on a mirror out of curiosity of whether or not it would leave steam marks upon it.
edit Pull My Finger
The fart joke can be just a quick simple joke such as: Q What’s the difference between a poofter and a fridge? A: A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out. Or it can be more drawn out to something like: A young boy is taken by his grandfather to a prostitute for his first ever sexual experience! The grandfather says to the prostitute, "Start my grandson off on his sexual career, begin with a 69er." The prostitute and the kid get into place and she blew off a fart that nearly shattered his teeth! The little kid ran out of the room screaming, "I'm not waiting around for another 68 of those"!
edit Bottom Burping
The humor of a fart may also not rely specifically on the fart itself, but perhaps the situation in which it presents itself. Take for example the story of the teacher who kept farting and blaming it on the children. When she let one go, she would always turn around and tell off a child, blaming her flatulence on the children. But one time she turned to blame Little Johnny to stop that, So Johnny jumped up and replied, "Ok, which way did it go? or to again stretch it out into a longer situation that is only aided by a fart concept to reach the punch line would be: A little boy was very young, but also had been very gifted. He had the most enormous cock on any child, any one had ever seen. One time it was such a hot day that one of his teachers was really in heat, and couldn't keep her eyes off his huge emboldening pecker all day! Her hormones got the better of her and when the school bell rang to instruct the day's learning had ended, she told the little boy to stay in after class. So everyone left and went home and the teacher and the boy were alone.
The teacher said "Before you go home, I want you to play a game with me" to the little boy with enormous genitalia. She took off her pants and underwear and spread her legs and laid back on one of the desks. She said, "I want you to stick your pee-pee in this hole and move it around." The little boy said, "No way, my dad told me if I ever stuck this in one of those it would be bitten off." The teacher twigged straight away that the Father had told him that to protect him from being taken advantage of, so she thought for a moment and came up with an idea. She said, "Ok, I will prove it wont bite. Take that broom handle there, and put it in here, and I will show you its quite safe!" So the little kid takes the broom handle and puts it into her pussy, and just at that moment, she farted, quite loudly! The kid dropped the broom and walked out. The teacher's disappointed face said, "but its safe, see?" The kid turned around and said, "No, I stuck a bit of wood in there and it growled, I don't wanna find out what it does to fresh meat!"
edit Fart Jokes Leave a Bad Taste In Your Mouth?
Not all fart jokes have to be gross, but they can be humorous: Two flies are eating a peace of shit. One fly farts! The other says "You dirty prick, how could you fart while I’m eating?" But then again they can be quite family orientated: An Old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume, she turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the Old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks at both the beautiful women; she bends over, and fart, "Broccoli - 49 cents a kilo!!!"
Sometimes in an event when a fart takes place, it’s humor may not be funny at the time. But several years later you may look back on it and laugh; as did Sir William R. Sup the royal Duke of Nukem. He was sitting on a plane reading a book when only a few short minutes later he ran up to the pilot and said, "Help! Help! I dropped my favorite book out of the plane! Can you please stop it?" "No, no, I am not stopping this plane for a book.” the pilot replied. Later he ran up to the pilot and asked, "Can we please land the plane? I dropped my lucky baseball" but the pilot still said it wasn’t worth it. He then dropped a grenade out of the plane by mistake. He quickly ran up the pilot and started yelling; "Stop, stop, I lost my grenade." The pilot said that they were about to land and that he can drive around and look for them once they have landed.
They reserved a jeep and went hunting for his items. They had been driving a few miles and they saw two little boys crying. Sir William R. Sup asked them "What was wrong?" They replied "Something fell out of the sky and landed on us. One was a book and the other a baseball." A third boy came along and was in a state of shock. Sir William asked, "What are you in such shock for?" the little boy eventually stuttered out, "All I did was fart and then I heard a loud explosion, I turned around and my house had blown up!"
edit Critical of Stink Hole Humor
As you can see there are many sophisticated ways you present a good "Fart Joke". They don’t all have to be silly little pull my finger gags: Two doctors are standing in a waiting room guessing patients symptoms on their coffee break. Guessing patients symptoms as they walked in the door, a man walked in and held his stomach and slowly walked, the first doctor says, "I think its gallstones" the second says, "No, I say its back troubles" so they go over and ask him and say, "Excuse me sir, my associate and I were guessing what your symptom is, and I say it's Gaul Stone and he says back trouble, which is it?" The man then says, "Well, you thought it was a Gall Stone, I'm afraid you were wrong, and you thought it was a back problem. I'm afraid you were wrong, I thought I had to fart, I'm afraid I was wrong!"
A woman goes to see her doctor and the doctor asks what is wrong. She tells him that she can't stop farting, since she's been in the office she's farted at least 20 times, but the weird thing is, they're very silent and don't make a sound, nor do they smell at all! The doctor writes out a prescription and says, "Take these, and come back and see me next week" The week goes by and the woman returns to the doctor and isn't very happy, she says, "Whatever you prescribed has done something wrong, because now my farts are smelling god awfully bad!" The doctor says, "Actually that's good, now that we've cleared your sinuses, lets see what we can do about your hearing!"
edit Sporting Gassers
Farts can also be implied for the sporting fan. I was in this place once all alone, and it was very late at night and pissing down rain, and I had nowhere to stay, but I met this really ugly lesbian with a tent...don't worry, she was so ugly as soon as I saw her I got a "soft-on"; they used to push her face in dough to make gorilla cookies... so after I've fucked her, during the night she let go a fart that would bring tears to your eyes. "One, nil" she said! A couple of minutes went by and she let go another one, "2 - nil" she said... I thought to myself, "What The Fucks going on?" So I asked her, "Why are you farting like that and yelling out the score?" She said, "Well there's nothing much to do, so I thought we'd have a farting contest!" So I figured I'd give this donut-bumper a run for her money! So I let one go, "2/1" I said. I let go another, "2 all" I said. She looked at me and said, "You're fucking good!" So she tried really hard, so hard that she shit the bed!!!! She blew her whistle and said, "Half time, change sides"
edit Old Fart Jokes
Some fart jokes have been around since man first learned to break wind at the table: A teenager is very nervous about meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. Her mother invited him over for dinner and he took off his rags and comfort-wear and dressed up really nicely. He was trying very, very hard to make a good impression. The nervous-as-hell kid arrived at his girlfriend's and they sat down to dinner.The boy then felt something rumble inside him, and he almost panicked, he needed to fart, but no way was he going to let one go there at the table. He held it in as long as he could, but it just wanted out, so he figured he very carefully and delicately let it out as silently as he could. It started out soft and slow but then just built up into a loud FART. He shocked himself and hoped no one heard it, the father sniffed the air a couple of times, then looked under the table and kicked the family dog. The dog didn't budge, the boy then thought, "Oh, thank god he thought the dog did it." A few minutes go by and he has to go again, still very delicately he lets it go, but it was a bit louder than he thought, and again the father sniffed twice and kicked the dog, but the dog still didn't move. The boy figured, Cool, he thinks its the dog, .....a few minutes later he doesn't hold back, he just lets it tear and shreds his pants apart. The father then kicked the dog and yelled "WILL YOU GET OUT OF THERE YOU MONGREL, BEFORE THIS BASTARD SHITS ALL OVER YOU!"
edit Fart Judging
Of course some people can also tell a person by the way they fart. I once knew a man who thought he’d be a man and show his heterosexuality when his wife dragged him into a gay bar. He cocked his leg, flexed his arm, and he let go a roaring great fart. But instead of showing his manliness he had 20 poofs jump up with joy and squeal, “OHH, A VIRGIN!”
edit Situation Fart Force
So far I’ve covered the fart jokes, but what about the fart situation? Who has been guilty of giggling at their own fart? I bet at one time in your life you farted on your little brother or sisters head, or they at least did it to you. I bet you nearly skinned the paint off the wall when you farted in the bath and found out that water seems to freshen it up and clear away all the non smelling methane bits leaving a purified stench that makes your eyes go cross eyes, and don’t you damn well try and deny you smelt it on purpose just to see how bad it was but in a way it’s a self confidence thing to see how well you did with that ripper.
edit Don't Lie, You Know You Fart & Like It
How many of you have actually held a lighter to your butt and let a blue flame shoot out for a great party trick? Well, Ok. I guess only the guy’s do that one, so I will let the women off on that one. But I bet if pussy farts were inflatable you would be shooting flaming ping-pong balls through hoops now wouldn’t you?
And how many are guilty of feeling a fart coming on when you are around a group of friends and you get everyone’s attention to listen to what you are building up to be the greatest moment in entertainment history and you end up letting go a silent hiss and embarrass yourself and then you end up doing great farts when you're on your alone later on and you’re pissed off at your ass because it’s acting like that dancing singing frog in that Warner Bros cartoon that won't perform when anyone else is watching. So just think, the next time you see someone get everyone’s attention and his ass lets everyone down with disappointment, remember that when he gets home and tries to go to sleep, his arse is probably singing, “Hello my baby, Hello my honey…”
edit Real Farts Vs. Fake Farts
Real farts are funny. Jokes about farts are funny. Fake farts are funny. Stories about farts are funny. Your fart is funny. Someone else’s fart is funny. If you can’t find a taste somewhere for fart humor that can be found funny, then I seriously think I should fart in your general direction so close that when I fart, your mouth ripples around in the wind like a skydivers face free-falling. Find some way to laugh about it for god sakes, or you should have someone sit on your face and fart in your mouth so that your cheeks go from looking like a goldfish sucking a straw to Miles Davis blowing into his trumpet.
If you have not found anything here funny, then I urge you to please consult a doctor urgently. There is no cure for this disease but there is sufficient treatment. Hopefully one day we can find a cure for this condition. We at the Finding A Right Treatment society have teams all over the world working together to help find the cure. But we need your help urgently, please donate to the F.A.R.T Society so we can cure those in need. In some countries there are children who do not even recognize a fart’s humorous potential because of lack of vital foods such as baked beans, chili-fries and taco bell. For just a dollar a day you can help these children stricken by fart-less poverty.
edit Bottom Line
Please show your support by dropping one for the team. Don’t just stand there, pick up your leg and cock one out today. Our operators are standing by with gasmasks and aerosol cans.
edit The ass end of this page
Here it is. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.