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“From the GREAT American Desert Southwest”
“East of the Rockies, you're on the air!”
“Boy oh boy oh boy, all I can say is...wow!”
“Turn your radio off please”
“The Shadow People!”
Arthur W. "Roswell Art" Bell, III (born January 4, 1937 in Roswell, New Mexico) is a cousin of Alexander Graham Bell (which probably explains his affinity for speaking) and subsequently a radio-host, a Vietnam veteran, and well-respected skeptic carrying the torch of reason and rationality into the 15th century by battling the fringe theories of mainstream science.
Art in Vietnam
Art Bell fought during the war and was a courageous fighter, losing his leg and chipping a tooth in the midst of battle, he was awarded the Medal of Honor and others too numerous to mention. He was stationed in Japan for his recuperation. Being the experimental type, Art decided to get high via sleep deprivation while recording it all (which he reported allowed him to see other dimensions, as well as getting the most laundry done of any resident).
A while later, the manager of the station informed Art that the radio station had been transmitting the whole time, and that his ramblings where a hit throughout the base (his recordings were used as an inspiration for the film Apocalypse Now).
Art Bell, like so many other veterans from that war, was undeservedly dishonored when he returned home, and worse, he would learn that he was exposed to Agent Orange. After a time, he began petitioning a movement against the government. He decided to leave the country for the Philippines, where he then started a shortwave radio show warning about the New World Order and the imminence of Armageddon. However, he decided that that was all crap and began frequenting Casinos and saloons instead. He battled his reality induced melancholy with marathon sessions of pseudo-karaoke. No singing, just blurting out whatever came to his mind. The chicks dug it. Eventually, he returned to the states to check things out and share stories of his South Asian conquests with his war buddies.
Showdown at Nye
After checking into a Casino in New Mexican Kingdom of Nye, Art was insulted by its manager, Chief Hot Head for being a crackpot and challenged him into a duel. Art obliged, and on 12:00 Pm. 1992, Art Bell faced off against the Chief. To up the ante, the Chief suggested that they both ingest peyote before dueling. After a while of stalking each other through sandstorms, tessellations, and the bottomless Mendalbrot pit, Art Bell eventually found the chief right where he wanted him and quickly struck him down with chi force. Art Bell was promptly given the keys to the Kingdom of Nye, thus becoming sole ruler.
Radio Days and Abduction
In 1995, Art Bell, noticing that talk radio was becoming less restrictive due to the success of shock jocks like Howard Stern, thus, Art Immediately started Coast to Coast AM based on strip contests, midgets, lesbians, Klansmen, Yellow fever (Fact: Art Bell just can't get enough of them Asian women) and making fun of disabled people.
However, whilst driving home one night in 1996, was abducted by a hundred flying saucers, where he was then gang-probed. Eventually, however, Art eventually dug into his utility belt he used during the war and staged a reign of terror on the extraterrestrials, ambushing them one by one and blowing stuff up until holding the pilot at gunpoint and forcing him to land, Art then preceded to body-slam the last alien. The other saucers came down to get him but he took them all out with a makeshift bow and arrows made out of wreckage. The next day, he told his tale, and the format of his show would never be the same…
After his fantastic encounter (which Art now admits, may have merely been a flashback to ‘Nam), Art Bell had on conspiracy theorists and UFOlogists on talking about chemtrails, videos with blotches of light in them, odd small talk in audio recordings, and rods. He also had counterculture friend Terence McKenna on, who would talk for hours while smacked out on various drugs which they would tease the audience with.
Some of his other most beloved guests are:
- Ed “Dr. Doom” Dames, aka Maj. Head Games: Remote Viewing expert whose uncanny inaccuracy has boggled the minds of many, to the point of proving irrefutably the authenticity of the technique. Particularly respected are his tireless efforts to help desperate families find their missing children’s bodies (See : attention whore). As a testament to his intuitive powers, he often shows up in town before the children go missing, obviously sensing the need for his unique skills in advance, although being modest he steadfastly denies this and says the airline records are fabricated. A frequent participant in the notorious Greek Nights Art holds weekly at his Doublewide.
- Richard C. Hoagland (aka: Richard "Conspiracy" Hoaxland): Proud possessor of an eighth-grade education, Hoagland is a self-proclaimed NASA consultant, theoretical physicist, theologist, personal business and spiritual advisor to Walter Cronkite, and astro-archaeologist. He always meets reason and truth straight-on with a giggling, high-school girlish laugh, knowing he is the answer man. It is Richard C. alone, who has revealed mankind’s descent from a race of Ancient Martian Arabs, as well as discovering the true identity of the Face on Mars. Also a Greek Nighter.
- Mel Waters: Standup comic who was on Art's show long before the drastic format change. His schtick was to invite people over to see his hole (some say this act inspired Jim Carrey when making his Pet Detective films).
- Dr. Michio Kaku: Mad scientist who comes over to provide comic relief.
- Whitley "Witless" Strieber: Drug buddy and author of Communion, the autobiography detailing his escape from writer’s block via spiked eggnog on a Christmas night’s out in the woods. He also recorded the experience of many people who have had similar hallucinations, and another autobiography detailing his conversations with Andy Rooney, who instructs him to start his own church. (Note: The two came out with a book entitled The Coming Global Stupidstorm, about the dangerous effect of carbon emissions released from flatulence, later made into the film Day After Tomorrow). The third of the regular Greek Night guests.
- Fr. Lankester Merrin: The priest, archaeologist, and secret agent who participated in the exorcism of little Regan MacNeil in 1973.
- Danion "The Human Lightning Rod" Brinkley: A self-professed zombie recounting his experiences in the other side, and stuck by lightning no less than three times, survived without brain damage at least twice. Never one to let adversity defeat him, he still talks on corded telephones during thunderstorms.
- Sean David Moron: A questionable prognisticator, prestidigitator and all-around failure. He often led groups out on UFO sighting expeditions. He had a 100% success rate chasing UFOs, even if he had to knowingly point at airplanes and yell "UFO!" to his excited group. He called to say, "buy gold!".
- Stanton Friedman: Known as 'Mr. Nuts & Bolts' around the UFO community. The self-proclaimed "Father of Modern Uflawlogy" who single-handedly concocted the alleged UFO crash at Roswell, New Mexico, some thirty years after news accounts of a balloon crash in the desert. He was certified Grade A Insane in June of 1983.
- J.C.: Probably Art’s favorite guest. J.C. is a perfectly sane Christian missionary spreading the word of Christ’s love and mercy. Art has him on almost every night. In the past, he has praised Art for being what he calls "God's mouthpiece". J.C. views the present host, George Noory, as Satan's spawn and is on a holy mission to send him back to hell.
Off Again On Again Affair
During the Y2K Crisis, Art Bell was engaged in several instances where he encountered the famed chuprachabra. In a twist of fate, and during a romantic encounter with the chuprachabra, Art Bell injured his back. Forced to retire because of this injury, Steven Seagal took his place (who missed his job doing serious news).
Art sought treatment by famed physician Dr. Evelyn Paglini. Dr. Paglini was able to call on her spirit guides, and mostly restore Art Bell's back, but warned him of further involvement with the chuprachabra. Art Bell returned to radio, near the end of Steven Seagal's final show. Because of the horrible state of C2C, Bell kicked Seagal off the air. Seagal has never been heard from again.
Art became involved in several on air antics with Linda Moulton Howe. During one of Howe's investigative reports, Art attempted to mount her during the playback of her report. Linda Moulton Howe defended herself by morphing into Chuck Norris, and roundhouse kicking Bell in his teeth. Bell's ever present back problem resurfaced, and he was again forced to retire. Coast to Coast was left in favor of Teletubby and blatant homosexual George Noory. However, he soon felt good enough to do weekends, which he has been doing consistently from now on.
Events since 2006
Unexpectedly, in January of 2006, Art Bell strangled his wife of 16 years, Ramona. Bell was on the radio days later boasting how awesome it was to feel her life drain from her body. He proclaimed on radio "Her and those god-damned cats. I just couldn't take it anymore."
At the same time, Art became involved in child pornography, particularly of the Philippine-type. From January until March, he hinted at the fact that he hadn't "jerked-off so much in his life". Taking it to the next level, he traveled to the Philippines in April, and found himself a nice 13-year old to marry. He announced on April 12, 2006 that he had smuggled his sex-slave back in a duffle-bag and was planning on having lots of sex between radio shows. More controversially, Bell had gone to the Philippines with a fellow pedophile friend, who married the 11-year old sister of Bell's slave.
The Kingdom of Nye authorities soon became aware of Bells, arrangement, and attempted to arrest Bell, and liberate his slave, whose name is Arron. Bell was tipped off by J.C., and so fled to the Philippines to continue with his love of small children. He broadcast his show, Coast to Coast AM/PM until December of 2006. At the same time, a local newspaper exposed Bell, and his desire for older females. Bell denied such accusations, informing his audience that he enjoyed banging his 13 year old Arron, and even got his old sperm to impregnate Arron. Despite his claims, Bell retreated back to the Kingdom of Nye. The local sheriff, a member of the New World Order and NAMBLA, managed to arrest any opposition to Bell, eliminating any threats.
Current situationBell's sex slave, Arron, recently turned 14 and has had a daughter, who Bell named "Sexy-thing". Because Arron is getting older and is a mother, Bell recently declared that he will have to go in search of a new sex-slave. On a special open-lines show, Bell fielded calls and took suggestions on where he should go for a new hook up. The popular consensus was that Bell could travel to China, a beacon of civil rights, and pay a few hundred dollars and come out with a 7- or 8-year old. Upon closing the show for the weekend, Bell declared, "Well, there you have it ladies and gentleman. I know my mind is made up, what about you?"
On July 1, 2007, Art Bell again announced he was going to retire, and promised he would come back to radio once he bags another underage girl that he can utilize for freaky sexual escapades. It is rumored that Art Bell has gone to Vietnam or Thailand for a new girl.