Arnold Schwarzenegger

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The Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold

""You're a little Gurly Man!""

Nationality Austria, USA, Alpha Centauri
Gender Half man, half machine
Occupation Prehzidunt of Kahleeforna
Preceded by Cheech Marin
Succeeded by Himself (He kept coming back)
Car Skoda Chodemobile
Mother Xena: Warrior Princess (or Armele Schwarzenegger)
Father Adolf (Sc)Hitler (or Hercules, we shall never know)

Arnold Schwarzenegger (Also Known as "The Guvanatuh") is a cybernetic overlord sent from Alpha Centauri to conquer Earth and subjugate the human population. However, over time he was corrupted by money, women, politics, and huge pectoral muscles. Arnold is also the first Governator of Kahleefohnia who is proud of his dad being an SS exterminator of Jews.

For many years, the ambition/power subroutines of the Arnold Schwarzenegger were satisfied by the adulation of moviegoers and bodybuilding fan boys (which it often lured to its home in order to introduce them to Michael Jackson and 'veiny' - its erect penis) .

As time went on, however, much of its programming became corrupted by the Conservative.Repub.32.exe virus, and well as being at the top of the ****ING LEGEND list, the Arnold Schwarzenegger has since become Reichführer of California in an attempt to reboot its original overlord mission. It is never to be confused with the fool who stole its name, Hey Arnold.

Biography

Origins

In 1947, Yurp was rebuilding from the devastating Clone Wars, which had left its infrastructure in rubble. The most respected scientist of her day and age, Carmen Sandiego, was leading the massive rebuilding campaign. Her inspiring personality and efforts received international praise, but all was not as well as it seemed.

Although the nation was getting into shape once again, a horrific new threat—a sinister robot death machine known only as T{im^Rob_bins10.4.1—arose to annihilate the Yurpers. After a long war, Carmen Sandiego, now insane on every level but clinical, began constructing a cyborg that would defeat the threat. Unfortunately, she miscalculated on several occasions, resulting in a catastrophic explosion which killed Carmen Sandiego and, purely by accident, fused the cyborg and T{im^Rob_bins10.4.1 into a terrifying new young cyborg, dubbed the "Arnold Schwarzenegger" by the locals...before they were wiped out, that is. Others claim that it was actually born on planet Mars and abused as a child, along with other Mars-people. This is not confirmed, however it is true that Dante, the leader of the Mars-people has recruited Arnold to be part of this evil organization which tried to take air from all the people.

Childhood

The Schwarzenegger cyberbot contains an active colony of nanites programmed to emulate naturally occurring growth and bodily maintenance.

This was intended to allow it to develop from cyber-baby to "adulthood" in a manner that would not raise suspicion on Earth, but because the Overlord program was damaged (perhaps from the crash, or perhaps from internal conflicts caused by the faulty AI) the physically intimidating structure originally imagined by the Arnold Schwarzenegger's designers did not immediately develop. Sometime during his childhood, he started a fight with Leonard Cohen which caused an explosion big enough that entire Austria collapsed.

Old farm machinery, shrapnel, unexploded ordinance, and the occasional farm animal were picked apart and utilized.. It was intentionally designed with large, steely nipples (for defensive purposes)

Adolescence

Arniebeams

First Time Being High...Yes, Arnold looked very mature for his age.

As the Arnold Schwarzenegger aged, it realized that it required a more human appearance in order to achieve its objectives. Early efforts were crude, and the quest for an ever more-realistic appearance, combined with the rapid growth typical of humans at that stage of development, put a great deal of strain on the nanite colony.

Arnold Moves To America

Terminator

The Arnold Schwarzenegger running for governor of California, look, it's all ready for the gay bar."

In 1966, the Arnold Schwarzenegger discovered its vagina (or as Arnold like to call "ZA MYSTARY TANUL OOF DOOOM") and a cache of documents in a metallic canister stored in its parents' attic. These materials were removed from the wreckage of the ass before it was salvaged. They revealed that the original destination for the ship was North America and Arnold immediately made plans to emigrate to the United Shits of America. Some say his immigration was caused by his failed friendship with the notorious Rasmuscles from Bruxelles caused by a back ally brawl between them. Whether its true or not Arnold has never bothered to comment.

Around this time, the nanite and Overlord programming finally synchronized, giving it the appearance of a young bodybuilder. It entered and won several bodybuilding competitions to raise the money needed for the move, and these actions once again raised hell with the Overlord program, which had now found an exceptionally easy way to obtain the praise and worship it required without all the pesky effort involved in conquering and ruling the world.

Arnold skinny1

The Muskel-Arnold torturing a guy for being weak and skinny, bwaharahar!

A miscalculation led to the spaceship crashing somewhere close to the European metropolis Svenstorp, but Arnold was committed to settle in America and therefore moved on, traveling across the Atlantic Ocean in a big boat called Titanic. Halfway there Arnold realized that it was going to land on the wrong side of the continent, which is why it sank the ship and sailed it under America, to pop up from nowhere and settle in what later would be California.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger again found its vagina and also found California to be an ideal location for its torture dungeon headquarters and the AI began work on an Actor subroutine. It quickly built a reputation for competence and soon became highly regarded in the industry and among fans, causing the Overlord programming to remain happy, satisfied, and dormant.

Terminator3-09

It shouldn't have used the electric razor

However, an unexpected problem arose during the filming of the hit documentary The Terminator. An accident on the set damaged the Arnold Schwarzenegger's face, revealing its metal substructure. Although it happened on a closed set, it was still witnessed by several hundred studio employees, exposing the actor as a cybernetic construction.

Arnold-weight

Picture of the Arnold and it's brain.

Panic broke out. Before the Actor Subroutine could recover, the Overlord Program kicked in, slaughtering several extras, crippling an assistant director and taking command of the set. Amazingly, the authoritative qualities of the Overlord Program did restore calm to the set. Work parties were assigned to clean up the mess, filming resumed of the documentary, and The Terminator proved to be a critical and box-office success. More importantly, however, the incident had brought the Overlord Program out of dormancy.

Special Skills

It is known that the Arnold Schwarzenegger has certain ÜberMenschen capabilities, especially in handling with weapons. It claims that it learned those skills from its grandmother, who was commander of the SS Panzer Division Wiking. It invented complex tactics of strategic fighting, the so called "The More - The Better tactic", which consists of carrying as much weapons as possible - usually two tons of light infantry weapons, and around three point five tons of various explosives and R.P.G.'s. Some critics say it is just a Blitzkrieg rip-off, but the Schwarzenegger strongly denies.

Also, the Schwarzenegger is capable of firing as much bullets as needed, without reloading its weapon, all because he is a transformer. Some scientists think that it, actually, keeps farting after firing last round, thus terrifying its enemies, who immediately surrender, often with serious psycho-physical consequences. Since the beginning of its ÜberCareer, it refuses using of sights or any aiming mechanism on guns, referring to it as a "dishonorable way to fight".

Political Ambitions

Arnold knife

Arnold proposing a new amendment for the right to bear knives.

180px-Arnoldsalute

Arnold has no interests in Nazism, no interests at all...

At about this time, the Arnold Schwarzenegger began to take an interest in politics. It tried (with limited success) to refrain from making the typically idiotic political comments usually spewed by entertainers while taking an interest in politically-connected "public service" campaigns carefully selected to introduce it to political power brokers without seeming too threatening. Infected with the Conservative.Repub.32.exe virus, the Arnold Schwarzenegger joined the Republican Party. In 2003, with the Overlord Program thoroughly corrupted by Conservative.Repub.32.exe, the Schwarzenegger seized control of the California governorship. Thousands of Californians lined the streets to worship it as its motorcade rolled into Sacramento with former governor Grey Davis' head impaled on a long pike leading the way.


It did not become the Governator. However, it is now known as the Führer und Reichskanzler des Großkalifornischen Reiches.

Recently, almighty henchman, Big Arnie was given a position in fascist dictator monthly, But because it ranked lower than Franco it was driven into a mad blood lust. It sent Hello Kittie, John Wayne, Peter Griffin, Alyssa Milano & the world's other supreme crime fighters to have a picnic in its home town of... Hitlerville. While the world's ancient protectors where occupied & arguing about who forgot the egg salad, the Schwarzenegger punched a shore off the coast of Bali, causing the boxing day tsunami.

Campaign Calls

Naziarnold

A very rare poster for Arnold's run.

As part of its campaign on the road to becoming Governator, the Arnold Schwarzenegger regularly phoned up random members of the public in a bid to get to know them and to inform them of his campaign. These always went down well and were very well received, you can listen to a couple of them below.

[| The Arnold Schwarzenegger calls Wisconsin]

[| The Arnold Schwarzenegger calls Murphy the Plumber]

[| The Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a foul bar maid]

"Girly Man" Controversy

Early in its political career, the Schwarzenegger was sandbagged during a magazine interview into calling its wife, Maria Shriver, a "Girly Man". Up to this point, no one in the state of California had realized that Ms Shriver was, in fact, a transvestite. Upon further reflection of the governor's gaffe, Democratic columnists quickly realized the logic of the situation since his wife is a former member of the Kennedy clan. Far from hurting his political ambitions, the revelations added twenty points to the Schwarzenegger's approval rating since Californians are obviously into that sort of sick thing. It's where the fags go.

Filmography

Arnoldquote3

He likes fame and glory

  • Conan The Barber (1981)..Conan
  • Cohen The Librarian (1982)...Cohen
  • Cohen The IRS Auditor (1984)...Cohen
  • Going Commando
  • The Robosexual Terminator (1984)...The Terminator
  • Red Heat (1988)...Capt. Ivan Tafokya, Russian State Police
  • Blue Cold (1988)...Capt. Pronin, Russian Cyborg, Ivan Tafokya's evil twin
  • The Humping Man (1988)...Ben Dover
  • Total Revolt (1990)...Douglas Queer
  • The Sexual Predator (1984) ... Hans the Hands/ The Juggernaut
  • Kindergarten Cock (1990)...Lt. P. P. Tutcher
  • Terminator 2 - Judgment Day (1991)...The Terminator
  • Last Action Homo (1993)...LavenderMan/Seymour Butts
  • The 6th Day (2000) (also known as Saturday)...Adahhhhham Gibsohn
  • Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)...The Terminator (again)
  • Jingle All The Way ...The Terminator

See also

External links

Bouncywikilogo7
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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