Arkansas

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Y'all keep it in the Family!”

~ Cleetus Constantinople on The new State motto of Arkansas.

==

[edit] Headline text

ARKANSAWS IS A VERY EDUMACATED PLACE STATE THING AND WE OWN ALL OF YALL HILLBILLIES HEHEHAHAHOHO.AND WE THE PPL R VERY SMARTICLE AND COULD TOTALLY BEET YALL IDIOTOC SNOOBS! HEEHHEHEHEHE

Arkansas has proudly resisted the transition to an all-meth economy, instead subsidizing the legacy industry of moonshining

Arkansas, the "Everyday Low Price State", was the 9th state admitted to the Southern United States, and the 52nd state to join the USA. It is noted as being the only state that is even less aware of itself than is the rest of the country. The state constitution was drafted in 1992, over 160 years after the state's inception. The Microsoft Works document containing the constitution is missing and believed deleted.

The state's primary export is crystal meth, though some civic and business leaders are attempting to revive the state's legacy moonshine industry. The state also produces many of the most poorly made MySpace pages by obese teenage girls. It is one of the few remaining states where the ability to read automatically qualifies one for a management position.

The state instrument is the police scanner. The state insect is the bug. "Arkansas" has 13 different pronunciations and meanings and can be spelled 9 different ways, often in the same paragraph.

[edit] State Facts

Governor - Mike Beebe.

Governoress - Hillary Clinton (that "carpetbegger").

Grand Exalted Cyclops - Orvill Faubus.

Emperor for Life - Aaron Freakin' Jones.

Official Church Minister - Mike Huckabee

State Abbreviation - ALK .

State Capital - A (Duh) .

Largest City - Wal-Mart Supercenter No. 14 .

State Race - Arkie-Sawls.

State Bird - Middle Finger.

State Flowers - Gennifer.

State Anime - Undersea Super Train: Marine Express.

Note: Superbook and Flying House are more popular for a Bible-belt state full of religious fundies want their kids to be exposed to the bible.

State Pastime - Tweakin' & Lookin' fer Arrowheads.

State Song - Sweet Home Alabama.

State Motto - I think we're not in Kansas anymore.

State Language - 10 Code.

State Hotty- Tyler Kane

State Coolest- your mom

State Ugly-Emily Dachs (You know who you are!)

State Goth- Emily Dachs (two in one, this chick sux)

Needs Neil Young Around - No!

Needs Immigrant workers - Si!

Needs More Idiots- Duh, WHAA?

Jesus will get the employee discount upon his glorious return.

[edit] Early Settlement

The land that would become America's most celebrated state was liberated from non-white possession upon its purchase from King Chochacho of the Itzkitchibitlan, a Mississippi Delta tribe. Chochacho traded the entire region to the newly arrived white settlers in exchange for demolition derby tickets and a three-wheeler. The proud chieftain became famous in frontier legend for Chochacho's Stand, in which he held out for an entire winter refusing to accept the three-wheeler unless a utility trailer was included. The white settlers made Chochacho pay for his defiance, giving him a three-wheeler without a hitch.

Chochacho was initially mocked for giving away his people's homeland, yet settlers of the Arkansas Territory would come to understand the wisdom of his decision. In the long centuries to come, no amount of homemade pharmaceuticals or poison could free the newcomers from the sobering realization that they had become Arkansans.

[edit] People

The people of Arkansas are often called hillbillies, red necks, hicks, white trash, trailer trash, and, mysteriously, Tennesseans. Though there are some Arkansans who live in developed cities, many of them live in rural areas where they reside in trailer homes or on the concrete slabs where trailer homes once stood.

Many Arkansans are popularly believed to be products of incest. However, there are few cases of this which can actually be proven because of the frequency of mail-order ministers indiscriminately marrying anyone willing to provide potted meat. This also led to frequent prepubescent and same-sex marriages, until then-governor Bill Clinton used a mail-order minister to marry every Arkansan to the Razorbacks.

However, don't go to Central Little Rock: dem dark ones everwhere. Fayetteville and anywhere along US 71/I-540 may hardly have blacks, but more Hispanics, Vietnamese or Koreans, and Cherokee. Same goes to Fort Smith (Wops), Hot Springs (Lebs), Pine Bluff (Polacks) and West Memphis (Yids). Poor Arkansas, it's not for white folks anymore.

[edit] Religion

Big Dead Jesus

According to the 2000 census, 62% of Arkansans now practice a sect of Christianity in which a particular manifestation of Jesus is the chief deity. This god, often called Big Dead Jesus by the faith's practitioners, was inspired by the common sight of larger than life statues and crosses. Many Arkansans have come to believe that these symbols are true to scale, and thus think that Jesus is a giant who is constantly dying, much like the deities of Norse mythology.

This form of Jesus Christ is referred to in an Arkansan hymn:

"Big Dead Jesus gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire."

[edit] Arkansas Beach Project

Arkansas was once an entirely landlocked state. But after the demise of Louisiana in the Great Flood of New Orleans in 2005, which was helped along by the Man From F.E.M.A., Arkansas now sports some of the best beach front property this side of Dubai.

All 75 miles of Arkansas' southern border are now covered in beautiful white sand and imported seashells of the finest quality. Thanks to the Hillbilly Association of America's (HAA) "Arkansas Beach Project", the coastline looks as though it has been there for generations. Arkansas is also pleased to now be a Coast Guard proving ground.

If you are interested in visiting, accommodations can be made by contacting:

HAA

c/o Arkansas Beach Project

104 Beachside Ln.

Little Rock, AR

72201

[edit] Politics

Recent Guuv'ners:

Mike Beebe is the current governor of Arkansas. He has yet to resign or go to jail. Many state pundits are becoming restless to see him fulfill the governor's destiny of disgracing himself, his family, and getting mentioned in Jay Leno's monologue.

Mike Huckabee resigned in disgrace after losing over half his body weight and deciding he was a sexually arousing enough to run for President of Washington and the Teevee. Huckabee failed to grow a beard and was forced to select Chuck Norris as his running mate, which quickly launched him into the national spotlight. Huckabee fell just as quickly once it was revealed that he was once fat, a Baptist minister, and also insane.

Jim Guy Tucker resigned in disgrace after being caught having relations with a whitewater rapid, and possibly Hillary Clinton. Upon entering federal prison he promptly got liver cancer and was released.

Bill Clinton served as governor and resigned in disgrace after being elected President of Washington and the Teevee. Arkansans have not seen Clinton in nearly a decade now and are beginning to suspect that he is dead, or perhaps never existed to begin with.

Dale Bumpers resigned in disgrace by getting elected to US Congress, where he became popular for having a last name that every other Congressman thought was his crazy hillbilly nickname.

Winthrop Rockefeller held the distinction of becoming Arkansas governor by first becoming a disgrace elsewhere in the nation. Unable to deal with the enormous wealth and influence of the Rockefeller name, Winthrop fled to Arkansas where the natives asked him to find oil. Rockefeller strung along the Arkansans for many years, eventually being crowned emperor. Arkansans now believe Rockefeller retired to the moon and will return at Armageddon to battle Satan for the throne of Little Rock.

Orvill Faubus is Arkansas' earliest remembered governor, and retired in disgrace after a long career of coordinating control of the state with the Ku Klux Klan. Faubus was finally exiled to Argentina after attempting to take control of the National Guard and secede from the Union.

Update: Arkansans elected a new governor, George W.T.F. Bush IV in the typical Southern Conservative Republican way. After the Bush family ruined Texas, Florida, Iraq, Afghanistan and the whole USA...this is the place. After Arkansas is destroyed, there's always Oklahoma to the west (and Utah).

[edit] Chicken

The People of Arkansas enjoy chicken to an almost unholy amount. They enjoy chicken SO much, in fact, that they created Tyson - a company fully dedicated to fulfilling its chickens' every desire that they need not lift a precious wing or sound a sorry cluck. These chickens are often found in states of such ecstacy that they keel over off their roosts. From the aftermath of these acts, several local recipes were created, including:

• Shake 'N' Bake.
• Poulet ala Bake avec le Shake.
• Pollo y el Shake de los Bake.
• Blackened(Burnt) Shake 'N' Bake.
• Bake 'N' Shake.
• Shake Your Money Maker While Baking.
• Bake 'N' Something Else.
• Raw.
• PETA-ized.
• Arkansas Fried.
• Beer in the rear.
• Ala Roadkille.

[edit] Discovery By Pirates

Although its highly speculated, Arkansas was founded by pirates shortly after the fall of William Turner in the second century. They were believed to be on their way to Kansas but became lost, and claimed "Thar be ArrrrKansas" and forever after the state was known as Arkansas. Bill Clinton wrote his thesis on the great pirates of Arkansas.

[edit] Notable Arkansans

• Bob Dole
• Jebus Kriste
• Navin R. Johnson
• Sam Walton
• John Tyson
• Marvin Gaye
• Chairman Mao
• Chelsea Clinton
• Walt Disney
• Martin Van Buren
• Patton Oswalt
• John Roberts
• Flight of the Conchords
• Alan Moore
• Keren Gossman (Though Possibly Namibian)
• Jessica Ferguson
• Syphilis
• General Douglas MacArthur
• Davy Crockett
• Gennifer Flowers
• Marquis de Sade
• L. Rex Humbard
• Boxcar Willie
• George Clooney
• Bill Clinton
• George Clinton
• Mike Tyson
• Mike Huckabee
• Amy Lee
• The Get Along Gang
• Hilary Clinton
• Tyler N Kane