Ark of the Covenant

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The Ark of the Covenant is a moderate sized piece of Acacia wood furniture, referred to in the Bible. It's basically a large, ornate storage box which used two poles in order to carry it - allowing the Israelites to haul Moses, Aaron and God's stuff wherever they wandered.[1] Chariots had been invented by 3000 BC, so it's kind of silly that a couple of wheels weren't employed in its design. After being chased out of Egypt by chariots filled with Pharaoh's bill collectors[2], the Israelites had no excuse for not employing the invention of the wheel but experts believe it was just another example of God wanting things done the hard way - as usual. The Ark's construction was commissioned by God and the winning bid was received from Moses & Sons, Makers of Fine Furniture®. After its manufacture, God communicated exclusively with Moses through the speakerphone on the Ark's cover.

1indy-idol-ark-of-the-coven
Seriously, don't mess with the box unless you want afflictions of the ass

Don't Mess With The Box

Both Moses and his brother Aaron were extremely anal and secretive about the Ark. They made a lengthy list of obscure and confusing protocols for handling and storing the Ark while constantly hiding it behind fences and inside special tents. Nobody really knew whether Moses and Aaron were performing religious rites in their sanctuary or simply goofing off in some glorified teacher's lounge. According to Moses, the Ark was God's desk and Moses & Sons had an exclusive contract with God to keep an eye on his stuff. The Ten Commandments were supposed to be a public document, so many of the Israelites were alienated by this lack of access and secrecy.[3] Moses' competitors tried to covertly access the Ark on numerous occasions, thinking it must contain something besides a public document and soon found out that "thou shalt not kill" doesn't apply to people who mess with the box.

Part of the problem was Moses' continued claims of God being responsible for everyone who got killed while attempting to snoop. Since God allegedly wrote the commandment "thou shalt not kill", nobody really believed it was the work of the divine.[4] Seriously, what lord of the universe who created everything bothers to make such a pact with one family? Couldn't the almighty simply keep his stuff somewhere really safe, like up in Heaven?[5] These bizarre claims only created an attractive mystery and therefore incentive for people to try and see the Ark and examine it's contents. God's just funny that way, I suppose. Whether it's a "tree of life" or an Ark, God just keeps placing sensitive materials within the reach of his children and then gets angry when little Johnny plays with his ceramic doll collection after being told not to.

One of the Israelite nation's competitors, the Philistines, captured the Ark in battle but were subsequently smitten with hemorrhoids, a plague of mice (1 Sam. 6:5) and afflictions of boils (1 Sam. 5:8-12).[6] The Israelites were rather confused as to why death was always the punishment whenever they messed with the box while the Philistines got a boil on the bum. Moses countered this dissent with a wild story about how the men of Beth-shemesh gazed at the Ark and seventy of them were instantly killed as punishment (1 Sam. 6:19). Subsequent retelling of this story by Moses raised the number of Philistines smitten by the Lord to fifty thousand - a desperate attempt to get people to believe him.[7] God must have pitied the Philistines, perhaps knowing that their culture would eventually be wiped off the map - leaving no witnesses. Israelite jealousy over this perceived favoritism of the Philistines by God explains all of the libelous slander written about them in the Bible, a book clearly drafted by men with a pro-Israelite bias. After the Ark had been amongst them for seven months, the Philistines, on the advice of their diviners, returned it to the Israelites along with an offering of golden hemorrhoids, boils and mice - Images of the afflictions which were given unto them (1 Sam. 6:1-15).[8] The Philistines had a sense of insulting humor that wasn't easily grasped by Moses or the Israelites who accepted these gifts with a smile.

What's Really In The Box?

The Ark is alleged to have contained the tablets of stone which The Ten Commandments were inscribed upon, a golden pot filled with leftover manna from the Israelites trek in the wilderness and the rod of Aaron that budded (Ex. 16:32-34; Heb. 9:4). The literal translation of the items stored inside the Ark of the Covenant are difficult to believe. While the words "budded" and "golden pot" might induce a curious smirk from the initiated,[9] a close look at the words and symbols used to describe the Ark's contents reveals more.

The Ten Commandments

None of the Israelites were ever able to closely inspect these commandments, having to accept Moses' word about what was written on the two alleged stone tablets without question. The very idea that the creator of the universe didn't have another copy of his contract with the Israelites and needed to treat the original document with more sanctity than human life was kind of silly.[10] The word "com-man-d-men-t itself reveals an obvious clue. "Ten Commandments" could refer to ten items which are of special interest to men. More than likely, the Ark contained banned items and materials which were in direct conflict with the morals extolled in Moses' ever-changing oral version of The Ten Commandments.[11] We'll never know what Moses was hiding inside the Ark but we do know that he was willing to kill people in order to keep it a secret.

Aaron's Rod

Shepherd4
A Standard Shepherd's rod is well over 5 foot long while the Bible says the Ark of the Covenant's dimensions are 4.27 x 2.56 feet. What's with that? Men have never been very good at making excuses to cover-up their vices

According to the bible, Aaron accessed the Ark and his "rod" only once a year and on the very same day (Lev. 16).[12] A Rod refers to long pole which was used in ancient times as a tool for "tending sheep". In the culture of the Israelites, the rod would also be a natural symbol of authority because it looked like a large penis. A typical Shepard's rod was at least 5 foot long but the Ark of the Covenant was only 4' in length. Since the dimensions of the Ark of the covenant were clearly smaller than a Shepherd's rod, the literal translation cannot be believed. When you put together "large pole", "small box" and "once a year" it becomes an unmistakable message that only a married man with four kids (like Aaron) would understand.

The Golden Pot

A Golden Pot containing manna, leftover from the Israelites' trek in the wilderness, is another alleged content of the Ark of the Covenant. According to the Book of Exodus, manna ( Man - na ) was a highly perishable food substance produced by God in order for the Israelites to survive his forced march into the wilderness.[13] In order to teach discipline and total reliance on the heavenly father, God designed manna to spoil quicker than day-old Sashimi, so saving it overnight was out of the question. In fact, Moses got "wroth with them" for attempting to save leftovers (Ex 16:20). Why anyone would want to save manna after being forced to eat the crap for over 40 years is unknown but if the literal translation is to be believed, experts suggest that at least one of the Jewish tribes of Israel had something to do with it.[14] Since it makes absolutely no sense at all, we're left to imagine some lewd yet hilarious conclusions based on inference and innuendo alone. The "golden pot" could refer to a doughnut filled with jelly (manna) or it might be a container for storing crack - who knows?

Where is it now?

Since possession of the Ark of the Covenant represents a direct communication and contract with God, many parties are claiming to have the box or know where it is. It's completely irresponsible to dignify the numerous contradictory claims with documentation in this space. If the representatives of said parties are unwilling to produce some golden mice, boils and hemorrhoids[15] - any claim they make will be considered false and self-aggrandizing.

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Footnotes

  1. Hey, it's good to be on God's payroll as a manager, the perks are excellent
  2. The Israelites still owe three months in back rent for 7,000 rental units
  3. The Israelites missed the meeting on Mt Sinai where Covenant policy was first drafted
  4. The only witnessed and verified smitings by God for messing with the Ark are the afflictions of hemorrhoids, boils and mice experienced by the Philistines after capturing the Ark in battle
  5. That would be too easy, God prefers the unnecessarily difficult approach to everything
  6. Fact! Truth is stranger than fiction and you can't just make up stuff like that and expect it to be funny - only the Bible can do that!
  7. Fact! Biblical accounts actually vary from 70 to 50,000 on the number of Philistines zapped by the Ark
  8. The Israelite tribe of Judah enjoyed sizable profits from Ark related hemorrhoid problems by inventing "Preparation H" and selling it to the Philistines
  9. Who knows, maybe there's still someone in the world who won't perceive an obvious Marijuana reference
  10. In direct contradiction to the 7th Commandment "Thou shalt not be silly"
  11. The 5th Commandment (version 5.2) says "Remember my shoes and fix them when they are holey"
  12. Never marry a woman that believes in "birthday blowjobs"
  13. In ancient times it took 40 years before a default was removed from your credit history
  14. When in doubt, always blame the Jews
  15. Uncyclopedia doesn't run on flatus, either you put up the cash or I'll write an article that makes you look bad
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