Argos

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{{british}}
 
{{british}}
 
[[Image:Argosreceipt.jpg|thumb|280px|British queuing. Best in the world.]]
 
[[Image:Argosreceipt.jpg|thumb|280px|British queuing. Best in the world.]]
+
{{whoops|Hell}}
 
{{Q|....and you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing.|Eric Clapton|Argos}}
 
{{Q|....and you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing.|Eric Clapton|Argos}}
   
'''Argos''' was the faithful pet of [[Odysseus]] who waited more than twenty years for his master to return. It is not recorded if Argos subsequently opened a [[UK]] catalogue store selling stuff in all of its multi-plasticated forms, but still, the name is an apt one for there actually exists a [[UK]] catalogue store, called '''Argos'''. And indeed, it is a place where no customer is ever more than twenty days away from being served. This Argos can therefore be defined either as "not a dog" or the "[[man|working man]]'s version of Portabello Road, except with much more [[plastic]] and a faint damp whiff of [[sweat]]" or simply: "laminated hell".
+
{{Q|Order Number Four Hundred Thousand...To Your Collection Point Please *reassuring smile*|The evil dictator of numbers|The screens at Argos}}
  +
  +
{{Q|All Hail argos, and its laminated book of dreams - laminated so you can wash off the tears of joy|Bill bailey}}
  +
  +
{{Q|WHAT THE HELL, IT TOOK YOU FOUR HOURS TO FETCH IT AND YOU STILL GOT IT WRONG?...what? NO I'M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT!!!
  +
|Just about everybody|'Shopping' at argos}}
  +
  +
'''Argos''' was the faithful pet of [[Odysseus]] who waited more than twenty years for his master to return. It is not recorded if Argos subsequently opened a [[UK]] catalogue store selling stuff in all of its multi-plasticated forms, but still, the name is an apt one, for there actually exists a [[UK]] catalogue store, named '''Argos'''. And indeed, it is a place where no customer is ever more than twenty days away from being served. This Argos can therefore be defined either as "not a dog" or the "[[man|working man]]'s version of Portobello Road, except with much more [[plastic]] and a faint damp whiff of [[sweat]]" or simply: "laminated hell".
   
 
==Argos stores==
 
==Argos stores==
Argos stores exist for the sole purpose of taking advantage of those who are too scared to shop using [[internet|tinternet]]. Thus, they still rely on the traditional methods of service, such as the sneer, the blank stare and outright rudeness.
+
Argos stores exist for the sole purpose of taking advantage of those who are too scared to shop using [[t'internet]]. Thus, they still rely on the traditional methods of service, such as the sneer, the blank stare and outright rudeness.
   
Ordinarily, the process of shopping means going in to a store, picking something up, bringing it to a tillpoint and paying. Argos, however, have simplified and streamlined this process. At Argos, you simply go to a store, queue to read a book, look around for a pen, write a number on a piece of paper, collect a ticket for more queuing, wait for your turn, pay for the item, forget your number, check the book again, queue at a large table, collect your item, bring it home, realise it is the wrong one and go back again.
+
Ordinarily, the process of shopping means finding a store miles from home, picking something up, bringing it to a tillpoint and paying. Argos, however, have simplified and streamlined this process. At Argos, you simply go to a store, queue to read a book, look around for a pen, write a number on a piece of paper, queue up to pay for the item, collect a ticket for more queuing, wait for your turn, forget your number, check the ticket again, queue again at a large table, collect your item, bring it home, realise it is the wrong one and go back again.
   
When you forget to write down the item code before leaving for the store, Argos' special computerised system means that you can guarantee that the item you want will either be out of stock or the page containing the ID number and details will be missing from the in-store catalogue. All of which means you'll have to come back tomorrow for that [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/4321125.htm Bubble fish lamp] you so desperately wanted.
+
On a more positive note they are introducing a streamlined system where you enter the info at a terminal, choose a password, and just tell that to the cashier. Doesn't help with the queuing, but saves writing stuff down... Unless you need to write the password down.
   
Additionally, that next generation XBOX 3000 try before you buy console is always being used by some snotty eight year old kid whose parents wouldn't buy him one for [[Christmas]]. He can't even get past level one on [[Super Mario]].
+
When you forget to write down the item code before leaving for the store, Argos's special computerised system means that you can guarantee that the item you want will either be out of stock or the page containing the ID number and details will be missing from the in-store catalogue. All of which means you'll have to come back tomorrow for that [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/4321125.htm Bubble fish lamp] you so desperately wanted.
  +
  +
Additionally, that next generation [[XBOX 360|XBOX 3000]] "try before you buy" console is always being used by some snotty eight-year-old kid whose parents wouldn't buy him one for [[Christmas]]. He can't even get past level one on [[Super Mario]].
   
 
==The Argos Catalogue==
 
==The Argos Catalogue==
Line 19: Line 19:
 
Argos pride themselves on providing any item the customer might need, including [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/0240516.htm Batman costumes], [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/0240200.htm giant inflatable boxing sets] and [[kung fu]] [[hamster]]s. These are all documented in a neat and not-so-handy [[bible]].<ref>Click on these Argos item page links at own risk.</ref>
 
Argos pride themselves on providing any item the customer might need, including [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/0240516.htm Batman costumes], [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/0240200.htm giant inflatable boxing sets] and [[kung fu]] [[hamster]]s. These are all documented in a neat and not-so-handy [[bible]].<ref>Click on these Argos item page links at own risk.</ref>
   
Argos catalogues are stacked in enormous piles metres wide forming garish green walls stretching from one end of the store to the other. They exist to create a barricade between the mere members of the public and the wealthy [[capitalist]] forces that exploit them. That is, until, some dodgy looking blokes appear, shiftily and hastily stuff them into their massive backpacks and sports bags, all the time keeping watch for the all seeing [[eye]] that is the CCTV [[camera]]. I dunno why, because they are supposed to be [[free]] for anyone to take. Even so, for some reason the store security guards don't want people to have them.
+
Argos catalogues are stacked in enormous piles metres wide forming garish green (now blue, but who gives a toss) walls stretching from one end of the store to the other. Every single Argos catalogue for the past 200 years has been called 'The Big One', but in fact has been growing ever bigger since. They exist to create a barricade between the mere members of the public and the wealthy [[capitalist]] forces that exploit them. That is, until, some dodgy-looking blokes appear, shiftily and hastily stuff them into their massive backpacks and sports bags, all the time keeping watch for the all-seeing [[eye]] that is the CCTV [[camera]]. I dunno why, because they are supposed to be [[free]] for anyone to take. Even so, for some reason the store security guards don't want people to have them.
   
===It's all a swiz===
+
===It's all a swizz===
After the sale of the Statue of Liberty to a Liberian road sweeper, the catalogue is one of the greatest cons known to man. The designers are guilty of making the items for sale look desireable on paper when in actual fact, much like supermodel Jordan, they are made from cheap plastic and are heavily inflated. Due to the magic of [[Potatochop|computer airbrushing]], that real [[fart]]ing [[Homer Simpson]] action figure looks like the perfect gift for your little brother in the actual catalogue. When the item arrives, however, you find a self-assembly kit full of nails, holes, small meaningless ingestible parts and a set of instructions in [[Japanese]]. That £9.99 you paid now seems less justified and more like the cry for help it actually was.
+
After the sale of the Statue of Liberty to a Liberian road sweeper, the catalogue is one of the greatest cons known to man. The designers are guilty of making the items for sale look desirable on paper when in actual fact, much like supermodel Jordan, they are made from cheap plastic and are heavily inflated. Due to the magic of [[Potatochop|computer airbrushing]], that real [[fart]]ing [[Homer Simpson]] action figure looks like the perfect gift for your little brother in the actual catalogue. When the item arrives, however, you find a self-assembly kit full of nails, holes, small meaningless ingestible parts and a set of instructions in [[Japanese]]. That £9.99 you paid now seems less justified and more like the cry for help it actually was.
   
 
==Uses for the Argos Catalogue==
 
==Uses for the Argos Catalogue==
As every self-respecting tramp, cheapskate and general citizen of the United Kingdom knows, the Argos catalogue is a handy item with many uses, not only in the home but outside as well-
+
As every self-respecting tramp, cheapskate and general citizen of the United Kingdom knows, the Argos catalogue is a handy item with many uses, not only in the home but outside as well.
   
Parents: is your kid pestering you for that £500 Argos wendy house with the floral patterns and fully furnished interior? Worried you can't afford it? Worry no more. Collect two hundred Argos catalogues and you will have enough building material to create one yourself, only with "electric hair curler and automatic bread maker"-patterned wallpaper. Which is even better!
+
Parents: is your kid pestering you for that £500 Argos wendy house with the floral patterns and fully furnished interior? Worried you can't afford it? Worry no more. Collect two hundred Argos catalogues and you will have enough building material to create one yourself, only with "electric hair curler and automatic bread maker"-patterned wallpaper. Which is even better!
  +
  +
Alternatively you could pile your mighty catalogue collection in a doorway and wait for your child to crash through it. The subsequent crushing will solve many of your problems, with the added plus of life insurance claims.
   
 
As all Argos catalogues are 65% recyclable, other retail superstores make use of discarded catalogues. The [[Tesco Value Ferrari]] is made up of 85% genuine Argos catalogue, as are [[Morrisons]] Bettabuy 'thirty for twenty pence' Fish fingers.<ref>Figures correct at the time of going to press, fish perhaps less so.</ref>
 
As all Argos catalogues are 65% recyclable, other retail superstores make use of discarded catalogues. The [[Tesco Value Ferrari]] is made up of 85% genuine Argos catalogue, as are [[Morrisons]] Bettabuy 'thirty for twenty pence' Fish fingers.<ref>Figures correct at the time of going to press, fish perhaps less so.</ref>
  +
  +
==The Argos Game==
  +
Arguably, the best use for the Argos Catalogue is in-fact the Argos [[Game]]. Hours upon hours of [[The West Wing|quality entertainment]] is had when playing this [[absinthe|mind-numbing]] game.
  +
  +
The rules are simple:
  +
:'''Classical Game:''' One person holds the catalogue. The second suggests a page number and item number. If then, the person can correctly guess the price, the person holding the catalogue buys him the [[Box Children|item]].
  +
:'''Advanced Game:''' Same as the Classical Game, but the person holding the [[bible|Catalogue]] chooses the page number and item number. The other player, again, has to guess the price in order to win the item.
  +
:'''Extreme Super-Duper Ultimate Game:''' In this version, the [[dork|person]] holding the Catalogue beats the other player to death with a [[hammer]]. This is generally considered the most fun version of the Argos Game and is the one most often found being played in competitive circles.
  +
To date, no one has managed to win, but the game is still in its infancy and many more have yet to be exposed to this addictive game.
   
 
==Marketing==
 
==Marketing==
Argos's main market force comes directly from <s>left</s>takeovers of other catalogue companies, which it ingests on an almost monthly basis. However this can not sustain the company permanently. Usually, Argos sell most of their goods to kids pestering their mums for a new [[Action Man]] or [[Barbie]] doll, because a cat shaped lamp shade teaches them to shut up nicely. During most of the year, that is, all months except [[December]], Argos have to resort to other techniques to <s>pulp the customer into submission</s> sell their [[crap]].
+
Argos's main market force comes directly from <s>left</s>takeovers of other catalogue companies, which it ingests on an almost monthly basis. However this can not sustain the company permanently. Usually, Argos sell most of their goods to kids pestering their mums for a new [[Action Man]] or [[Barbie]] doll, because a cat-shaped lamp shade teaches them to shut up nicely. During most of the year, that is, all months except [[December]], Argos have to resort to other techniques to <s>pulp the customer into submission</s> sell their [[crap]].
   
 
During the mid 00's, customers began to notice that Argos was selling so much that the catalogue was becoming so big that only [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]] could carry one as far as the door without collapsing like [[Cristiano Ronaldo]]. To combat this, Argos began to distribute bags with every catalogue to ease the strain of carrying such a grand tome. Now customers can get blisters on their fingers rather than pulling their arm muscles, and then when they get home, they have a bag to be sick in.
 
During the mid 00's, customers began to notice that Argos was selling so much that the catalogue was becoming so big that only [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]] could carry one as far as the door without collapsing like [[Cristiano Ronaldo]]. To combat this, Argos began to distribute bags with every catalogue to ease the strain of carrying such a grand tome. Now customers can get blisters on their fingers rather than pulling their arm muscles, and then when they get home, they have a bag to be sick in.
   
 
===Legal action===
 
===Legal action===
As Argos's success grew, Customer Service groups were becoming worried that the items such as [[samurai]] [[sword]]s began appearing in the children's toys section. As a result, Trading Standards decided it was time to take action against the company.
+
As Argos's success grew, consumer [[watchdog]] groups were becoming worried that the items such as [[samurai]] [[sword]]s began appearing in the children's toys section when chainsaws and battle axes didn't. As a result, Trading Standards decided it was time to take action against the company.
   
 
This was a long way from Argos's last lawsuit, when a disgruntled parent successfully sued the company for making their child believe they could actually fly if they bought a [[Superman]] suit and cape. The child was relatively unharmed, sustaining only a bruised knee from the incident, but Argos suffered a loss of £30,000 as a result of the heavily publicised trial.
 
This was a long way from Argos's last lawsuit, when a disgruntled parent successfully sued the company for making their child believe they could actually fly if they bought a [[Superman]] suit and cape. The child was relatively unharmed, sustaining only a bruised knee from the incident, but Argos suffered a loss of £30,000 as a result of the heavily publicised trial.
Line 46: Line 55:
   
 
The employees the public do not see are usually lurking in the vast, dark, contentless expanse that is the Argos warehouse. These warehouses, which are connected to the back of the shops, do not actually store the goods for sale, but a complex labyrinth of [[Sausage Butty Batter Nugget|chip butty]]-eating hunch-backed [[HowTo: Be a Tramp|tramps]] and workers having a fag break.
 
The employees the public do not see are usually lurking in the vast, dark, contentless expanse that is the Argos warehouse. These warehouses, which are connected to the back of the shops, do not actually store the goods for sale, but a complex labyrinth of [[Sausage Butty Batter Nugget|chip butty]]-eating hunch-backed [[HowTo: Be a Tramp|tramps]] and workers having a fag break.
  +
  +
==Customers==
  +
Argos customer are a strange breed in and of themselves. Primarily of the chav class, Argos customers are drawn to the stores because they offer them a rare opportunity to consider themselves well-read. The majority of customers are also appreciative of the chance to steal pens, buy hideous jewellery, or allow their young to run riot.
  +
  +
It is a curious fact that many Argos customers are illiterate; indeed, they are often unable even to copy the catalogue number of their desired rubbish accurately onto the order forms. Instead, their rudimentary writing abilities allow them only to scrawl the insurance code and, upon reaching the tills, they proceed to insist that they wrote the 'right' number, reacting very much like enraged gorillas when confronted with their own stupidity.
  +
  +
Argos customers show also a deficiency in their sight, summarily refusing to look at the time-saving 'quick pay' machines, perhaps knowing that their hand-eye coordination skills are inadequate for them to think and press buttons at the same time. Instead they prefer to confront cashiers face-to-face in order to display their primitive culture, lack of basic manners and often share their pungent odours.
   
 
==Trivia==
 
==Trivia==
 
* The Royal Family have been known to shop at Argos. Really. I saw Ricky Tomlinson in there the other day.
 
* The Royal Family have been known to shop at Argos. Really. I saw Ricky Tomlinson in there the other day.
 
* Argos started off as a small country in a flat in North-East London.
 
* Argos started off as a small country in a flat in North-East London.
* Argos is not to be confused with the [[Greek]] region of Argos, though it is rather hard to tell the difference between the two, what with the Ancient ruins and reams of old people pottering about.
+
* Argos is not to be confused with the [[Greek]] region of Argos, though it is rather hard to tell the difference between the two, what with the ancient ruins and reams of old people pottering about.
  +
* For [[Chav]] culture, Argos is the equivalent of [[Harrods]], where they can procure (read: steal) some amazing and eyepopping bling-bling.
  +
* Professor [[Stephen Hawking]] mentions the [[Pink Floyd|multi-dimensional]] nature of the Argos Warehouse in his best-selling work ''A Brief History of Time''. In his third theory, he suggests that the closer an observer approaches the delivery-bay doors, the longer the sixteen-day money-back guarantee appears (except jewellery)
   
 
==Footnotes==
 
==Footnotes==
Line 64: Line 80:
 
* [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Home.htm More reasons to shop at Morrisons]
 
* [http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Home.htm More reasons to shop at Morrisons]
 
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/10:08 Frozen in Time]
 
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/10:08 Frozen in Time]
  +
* [http://www.argonauts.ca/ Argos Football Team]
   
 
[[category:retail]]
 
[[category:retail]]
 
[[category:evil Organizations]]
 
[[category:evil Organizations]]
  +
{{british}}
   
+
{{FA|revision=1272771|date=25 November 2006}}
{{VFH}}
 

Latest revision as of 13:30, August 6, 2011

Argosreceipt

British queuing. Best in the world.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Hell?
“....and you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing.”
~ Eric Clapton on Argos
“Order Number Four Hundred Thousand...To Your Collection Point Please *reassuring smile*”
~ The evil dictator of numbers on The screens at Argos
“All Hail argos, and its laminated book of dreams - laminated so you can wash off the tears of joy”
~ Bill bailey

“WHAT THE HELL, IT TOOK YOU FOUR HOURS TO FETCH IT AND YOU STILL GOT IT WRONG?...what? NO I'M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT!!!

~ Just about everybody on 'Shopping' at argos

Argos was the faithful pet of Odysseus who waited more than twenty years for his master to return. It is not recorded if Argos subsequently opened a UK catalogue store selling stuff in all of its multi-plasticated forms, but still, the name is an apt one, for there actually exists a UK catalogue store, named Argos. And indeed, it is a place where no customer is ever more than twenty days away from being served. This Argos can therefore be defined either as "not a dog" or the "working man's version of Portobello Road, except with much more plastic and a faint damp whiff of sweat" or simply: "laminated hell".

edit Argos stores

Argos stores exist for the sole purpose of taking advantage of those who are too scared to shop using t'internet. Thus, they still rely on the traditional methods of service, such as the sneer, the blank stare and outright rudeness.

Ordinarily, the process of shopping means finding a store miles from home, picking something up, bringing it to a tillpoint and paying. Argos, however, have simplified and streamlined this process. At Argos, you simply go to a store, queue to read a book, look around for a pen, write a number on a piece of paper, queue up to pay for the item, collect a ticket for more queuing, wait for your turn, forget your number, check the ticket again, queue again at a large table, collect your item, bring it home, realise it is the wrong one and go back again.

On a more positive note they are introducing a streamlined system where you enter the info at a terminal, choose a password, and just tell that to the cashier. Doesn't help with the queuing, but saves writing stuff down... Unless you need to write the password down.

When you forget to write down the item code before leaving for the store, Argos's special computerised system means that you can guarantee that the item you want will either be out of stock or the page containing the ID number and details will be missing from the in-store catalogue. All of which means you'll have to come back tomorrow for that Bubble fish lamp you so desperately wanted.

Additionally, that next generation XBOX 3000 "try before you buy" console is always being used by some snotty eight-year-old kid whose parents wouldn't buy him one for Christmas. He can't even get past level one on Super Mario.

edit The Argos Catalogue

Kfhamster

Argos warehouses stock such necessities as the Kung Fu Hamster.

Argos pride themselves on providing any item the customer might need, including Batman costumes, giant inflatable boxing sets and kung fu hamsters. These are all documented in a neat and not-so-handy bible.[1]

Argos catalogues are stacked in enormous piles metres wide forming garish green (now blue, but who gives a toss) walls stretching from one end of the store to the other. Every single Argos catalogue for the past 200 years has been called 'The Big One', but in fact has been growing ever bigger since. They exist to create a barricade between the mere members of the public and the wealthy capitalist forces that exploit them. That is, until, some dodgy-looking blokes appear, shiftily and hastily stuff them into their massive backpacks and sports bags, all the time keeping watch for the all-seeing eye that is the CCTV camera. I dunno why, because they are supposed to be free for anyone to take. Even so, for some reason the store security guards don't want people to have them.

edit It's all a swizz

After the sale of the Statue of Liberty to a Liberian road sweeper, the catalogue is one of the greatest cons known to man. The designers are guilty of making the items for sale look desirable on paper when in actual fact, much like supermodel Jordan, they are made from cheap plastic and are heavily inflated. Due to the magic of computer airbrushing, that real farting Homer Simpson action figure looks like the perfect gift for your little brother in the actual catalogue. When the item arrives, however, you find a self-assembly kit full of nails, holes, small meaningless ingestible parts and a set of instructions in Japanese. That £9.99 you paid now seems less justified and more like the cry for help it actually was.

edit Uses for the Argos Catalogue

As every self-respecting tramp, cheapskate and general citizen of the United Kingdom knows, the Argos catalogue is a handy item with many uses, not only in the home but outside as well.

Parents: is your kid pestering you for that £500 Argos wendy house with the floral patterns and fully furnished interior? Worried you can't afford it? Worry no more. Collect two hundred Argos catalogues and you will have enough building material to create one yourself, only with "electric hair curler and automatic bread maker"-patterned wallpaper. Which is even better!

Alternatively you could pile your mighty catalogue collection in a doorway and wait for your child to crash through it. The subsequent crushing will solve many of your problems, with the added plus of life insurance claims.

As all Argos catalogues are 65% recyclable, other retail superstores make use of discarded catalogues. The Tesco Value Ferrari is made up of 85% genuine Argos catalogue, as are Morrisons Bettabuy 'thirty for twenty pence' Fish fingers.[2]

edit The Argos Game

Arguably, the best use for the Argos Catalogue is in-fact the Argos Game. Hours upon hours of quality entertainment is had when playing this mind-numbing game.

The rules are simple:

Classical Game: One person holds the catalogue. The second suggests a page number and item number. If then, the person can correctly guess the price, the person holding the catalogue buys him the item.
Advanced Game: Same as the Classical Game, but the person holding the Catalogue chooses the page number and item number. The other player, again, has to guess the price in order to win the item.
Extreme Super-Duper Ultimate Game: In this version, the person holding the Catalogue beats the other player to death with a hammer. This is generally considered the most fun version of the Argos Game and is the one most often found being played in competitive circles.

To date, no one has managed to win, but the game is still in its infancy and many more have yet to be exposed to this addictive game.

edit Marketing

Argos's main market force comes directly from lefttakeovers of other catalogue companies, which it ingests on an almost monthly basis. However this can not sustain the company permanently. Usually, Argos sell most of their goods to kids pestering their mums for a new Action Man or Barbie doll, because a cat-shaped lamp shade teaches them to shut up nicely. During most of the year, that is, all months except December, Argos have to resort to other techniques to pulp the customer into submission sell their crap.

During the mid 00's, customers began to notice that Argos was selling so much that the catalogue was becoming so big that only Arnold Schwarzenegger could carry one as far as the door without collapsing like Cristiano Ronaldo. To combat this, Argos began to distribute bags with every catalogue to ease the strain of carrying such a grand tome. Now customers can get blisters on their fingers rather than pulling their arm muscles, and then when they get home, they have a bag to be sick in.

edit Legal action

As Argos's success grew, consumer watchdog groups were becoming worried that the items such as samurai swords began appearing in the children's toys section when chainsaws and battle axes didn't. As a result, Trading Standards decided it was time to take action against the company.

This was a long way from Argos's last lawsuit, when a disgruntled parent successfully sued the company for making their child believe they could actually fly if they bought a Superman suit and cape. The child was relatively unharmed, sustaining only a bruised knee from the incident, but Argos suffered a loss of £30,000 as a result of the heavily publicised trial.

edit Employees

Clocks1

No, it's like you're frozen in time... get me out of here!

There are two types of employees that Argos exploit, widely summarised as those the public see and those they do not. The workers on public view are a strange breed. It would seem that every clock in the store always displays ten past ten. This is because all Argos workers are frozen in time, August 23rd 1976 to be exact: the precise moment when customer service died. Alternatively, this could be due to the fact they can't be arsed replacing the batteries every three hours. [3]

The employees the public do not see are usually lurking in the vast, dark, contentless expanse that is the Argos warehouse. These warehouses, which are connected to the back of the shops, do not actually store the goods for sale, but a complex labyrinth of chip butty-eating hunch-backed tramps and workers having a fag break.

edit Customers

Argos customer are a strange breed in and of themselves. Primarily of the chav class, Argos customers are drawn to the stores because they offer them a rare opportunity to consider themselves well-read. The majority of customers are also appreciative of the chance to steal pens, buy hideous jewellery, or allow their young to run riot.

It is a curious fact that many Argos customers are illiterate; indeed, they are often unable even to copy the catalogue number of their desired rubbish accurately onto the order forms. Instead, their rudimentary writing abilities allow them only to scrawl the insurance code and, upon reaching the tills, they proceed to insist that they wrote the 'right' number, reacting very much like enraged gorillas when confronted with their own stupidity.

Argos customers show also a deficiency in their sight, summarily refusing to look at the time-saving 'quick pay' machines, perhaps knowing that their hand-eye coordination skills are inadequate for them to think and press buttons at the same time. Instead they prefer to confront cashiers face-to-face in order to display their primitive culture, lack of basic manners and often share their pungent odours.

edit Trivia

  • The Royal Family have been known to shop at Argos. Really. I saw Ricky Tomlinson in there the other day.
  • Argos started off as a small country in a flat in North-East London.
  • Argos is not to be confused with the Greek region of Argos, though it is rather hard to tell the difference between the two, what with the ancient ruins and reams of old people pottering about.
  • For Chav culture, Argos is the equivalent of Harrods, where they can procure (read: steal) some amazing and eyepopping bling-bling.
  • Professor Stephen Hawking mentions the multi-dimensional nature of the Argos Warehouse in his best-selling work A Brief History of Time. In his third theory, he suggests that the closer an observer approaches the delivery-bay doors, the longer the sixteen-day money-back guarantee appears (except jewellery)

edit Footnotes

  1. Click on these Argos item page links at own risk.
  2. Figures correct at the time of going to press, fish perhaps less so.
  3. Lazy sods. As if they don't get paid enough for it.

edit See also

Bouncywikilogo8
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Argos.

edit External Link

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