Arctic Monkeys

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Arctic

Blood all over the place when Liam and Noel Gallagher both had great fun at shooting the little bastards.

“These guys are great. The Arctic Monkeys are in my image. This is what Elvis Costello should sound like now if he didn't bang jazz singers.”
~ God on Arctic Monkeys

Arctic Monkeys are the Best and first group of trained monkeys to become a Death Bluegrass band/ Interpretive Dance group. Originally discovered in the north pole transported to the end of time in the TARDIS where they heard all the songs ever made (most of them indie) then transported themselves back to 2005 where they de-volved back into humans. They are not over-hyped in any way ever whatsoever. ever. Think they're as big as Oasis, but everyone else thinks they're even better. Indeed, Liam Gallagher once said "they're fookin sheeeeeeeeite", while Noel Gallagher said they can "get gonnoreah and die". After that, everyone raped the brothers until they forgot the meaning of ‘healthy sex.

The first song was used as evidence of snuff movies made by the band as a robot horribly murdered was last seen in 1984 on a dancefloor with the lead singer and much like a modern day happy slapper he recorded it and used it as lyrics. Police are also questioning the band about a young lad they made sit in the cold drumming all day and night until someone had him brutally killed with a baseball bat, the band were said to be low on funds for a proper music video.

Their debut album, "Whatever People Say About My Mum That's What She's Not" sold 360 copies in its first week alone, setting the record for the most copies of an Arctic Monkeys album ever sold. The record was broken the following week, when the same album sold 363,735 non-digital copies. Their second album, "Dry Wet Dream" sold 43 copies in the first ten hours, which, by all standards, is quite an achievement, especially for Monkeys. Their third album is tentatively entitled "Bumhug" and will be released sometime in 1964.

The Arctic Monkeys formed in 1902, and currently has four members:

  • Al
  • Godrich
  • King-Kong (Replacing Jack Nicholson)
  • Ringo 'the Dingo' Ringo.

These guys are just, amazing. Indie is sick (and so am I, after all those gimlets), but now due to the Arctic Monkeys it's not only sick, it's been shaped as the most epic thing ever. Arctic Monkeys have released some truly wonderful specimens of utopic sounds such as 'Gaystorm’, ‘I Bet Your Nan Looks Good On My Penis’, ‘The View From Your Mum's Hairy Arse’, ‘Hairy Bum’ and ‘When the Clothes Go Down(They Already Have)’. Alex Turner is a talented, successful, babyfaced genius. He deserves to be raped by Borat’s hot sister and give oral sex to the hottest prostitute as reward for his work, and indeed, band. And my God, he doesn't 'alf hav' good whanger-slap skillage.

Hopefully, with a bit of luck and a following wind, they will all win all the awards and acclaims they deserve.


The Decline of the Arctic Monkeys

Since the involuntary resignation of bass player, Jack Nicholson, the Arctic Monkeys have descended into a marketable pseudo indie-rock gimmick. This reinforces the notion that every rock group needs a "portly" bass player to survive. Oscar Wilde once said, "The bass is synonymous with the adverb portly". A true quote indeed as all true bass players have a noticeable weight problem. When questioned on Nicholson's resignation, Turner blankly stared at the camera, and muttered typical Yorkshire senselessness. Nicholson, who is currently working as a Yoga instructor in northern England, no longer plays the bass. He finds himself content with the new direction his life is heading in. According to Nicholson, "Life is good for me now. Now where is my f*cking bagel, ya f*ckin' no good jollywagger?".

Sadly, Nicholson died on the 24th April 2009 from bladder cancer, which he contracted after a particularly strenuous yoga class

Godrich "Cook" Cookiemonster

Cook (born 8 July 1985) is the band's main guitarist and also provides backing vocals. He doesn't write any of the lyrics, except for the song COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE STARTS WITH 'C' (YEAH!!!). The song was not featured on any of the albums or EPs but the band agreed that he could play the song in their local Co-op. Craig (co-op employee) quoted "this song should be on the album. It's great music to stack shelves to" .

King-Kong

Born 5 July, 1675. After Nicholson announced he would not make the band's North America tour, Kong, "a friend of the band" was drafted in as temporary replacement. His first appearance with the band came on 25 May, when the band played a secret gig on a tropical island. Unfortunately, it was so secret no-one turned up, except for a writer of NME who proclaimed it to be the 5th best gig ever. Currently the band are on a break as Kong needs some time off to battle Godzilla and sort out his divorce from Donkey Kong.

Before the Arctic Monkeys, Kong used to "Rub his face against his fathers chest hair for inspiration".

Matthew Gallagher

Matthew Gallagher has nothing to do with this band but it was agreed among many that he has good hair. The neglected brother of Noel and Liam Gallagher.

Ringo 'the Dingo' Ringo

Otherwise known by his Jewish name as Mac Hellion, Ringo 'the Dingo' is a fantastic drummer, who can hit both the cymbal and the snare drum at the same time. This is a great achievement in the drumming industry, and in the NME, he has been declared the "eighty-fourth best drummer of our time" for seventeen years running, which is odd, as he is only twelve. And has been drumming since he was nine. Odd. Very odd indeed.

Rise to Fame

Arctic Monkeys received a great deal of early attention from NME and the British tabloid press (NME) because they needed a band after the breakup of The Libertines. The Arctic Monkeys are like the girl the NME fucks because it notices The Libertines suck NME's big red balls too hard. It is rumored that the NME has accidentally screamed things such as "Alex!" and "Jamie!" while writing articles about the Arctic Monkeys on several occasions. The Arctic Monkeys reportedly insist that the NME in fact loves them more and is only stuck on The Libertines because they (The Libertines) would go out with the workers of NME. Their appearance on the Carly Simon Stage at the 2005 Reading & Writing Festival was hyped by much of the music press - NME in particular - and the band was watched by over 14 NME Journalists. The Band then decided to put themselves on the Internet to try sell their songs. As you can imagine, they were immediately ranked number one by their dads. In May 2005, Arctic Monkeys released their first EP - 'Five Minutes, Forty Three Seconds and Zero Point Five Nanoseconds with the Arctic Monkeys', featuring the songs 'Gay Tales of San Francisco' and 'From the Ritz Crackers to the Saltines'.

Success

The band quickly got successful but never appeared happy about it. Talking to the NME the band said '"We have loads of mates and haven't changed a bit since our success. Incidentally, we're kicking the fat guy out and replacing him with someone more easy on the eye"'. In 2006 they won the Mercury Music Prize. This is an award given to whoever in the music world can fuck more than thirteen girls at a time and survive. Their drummer won 1st prize and received his prize of a night in Las Vegas, giving his amazing cock power a bit more exercise, as you do. The band have been hailed by many as the best band ever! ever! ever! Big Dave said he prefers them than the fast food rockers.

Whatever Your Mum Says You Are, You Used To Be. Back In The Old Days.

  • The View From Your Mum's Tits
  • I Bet Your Mum Looks Good on Me (When I Dance)
  • Gay Tales of Your Mum, Francisco
  • Dancing Your Mum. With Shoes
  • Your Mum Probably Couldn't See For the Lights But She Was Staring Straight at My Mum (Hell Yeah! Get in There, Mum!)
  • Your Mum Took Me Home (Chained)
  • Mum's Van (Muff Wagons)
  • Red Lights Indicate We're Nearly At Your Mum's Corner
  • Your Mum's Bum
  • Perhaps Your Mum is a Vampire, And... (She Likes to Suck My Neck)
  • When Your Mum Goes Down (On Me)
  • From Mum's Tits To Her Stubble
  • A Certain Mum

(All songs are original and not plagiarised in any way. By the way, HI MUM! What's for tea?)

Favourite Worst Nightmare - Now There's An Oxymoron

The album was followed up by the shorter titled 'Dry Wet Dream of Your Mum'.

Some sceptics also claim, that the Arctic Monkeys named this album as a clever play on words, on themselves. As they themselves consider their music as a "nightmare", but a "favourite" by little 12 year old girls, no matter how shit it is.

The tracklisting was as follows:

  • Mumstorm
  • Mummy Picker
  • Y is for Your Mum
  • The Confidence Is Your Mum's Protection, I'm Sure You'll Baffle 'Em Good
  • Fluorescent Mumtits
  • The Only Ones Who Know What Your Mum's Like in Bed (Me and Your Dad)
  • Do Me a Sexual Favour, <insert name here>'s Mum
  • Your Mum Runs a Circus
  • If You Were There, Beware From Your Mum
  • The Bad Mum (Naughty-Naughty)
  • Old Mummys Tits
  • 69 With Your Mum (?)
  • Da Mum 2R (Japanese Bonus Track)
  • Mumador (Japanese Bonus Track)

Mumhug

The third Antarctic Gorillaz album released sometime and contains free quadricorns for all, and the tracklisting is as follows:

  • Your Mum Uses Propellors (You Know Where)
  • Crying Mothers (in a Thunderstorm or Something)
  • Your Mum is a Dangerous Animal
  • Secretly, Your Mum Smells the Door
  • Your Mum's Approaching (and She Looks Sloshed)
  • Your Dad Fires and Your Mum Thuds
  • Your Mum's Cunterstone
  • Dance, Little Mother
  • Pretty Visting Mums From My Mate's Houses (They Think Your Mum's Fit, Too)
  • Your Mum's Handjobs
  • Your Mum's Red Right Hand (b-side)
  • I Haven't Got My Mum (She's At My Mates Getting Boned) (Japanese Bonus Track)

Suck Me And See, Mum

The fourth release by the musical monkeys, released June 6th, 2069...

  • Your Mum's Thunderstorms
  • Mum Treacle
  • Mum By Mum
  • The Cunt Spangled Mummymymy
  • Don't Sit On My Face Because My Mum Hit Me With A Chair During Early Childhood (But It Was Quite Horny)
  • Mummy Pictures
  • All Your Mum's Stunts
  • Reckless Mother (Bloody 'ell, Even I'm Tired Out)
  • Piledriver On Your Mum (GET IN!!!)
  • Love Is A Motherquest
  • Suck Me And See, Mum
  • That's Where Your Dad's Wrong (He's Not The Only One Your Mum's Being Doing It With *cheeky suggestive wink*)

PM

The latest album got released the other day in September 2013 and is a glowing testimonial to all night owls in this world. And it's way sexier, slinkier and sagacious than that 2PM Korean crap.

  • My Mum Doesn't Give A Rat's Toss About You
  • RU My Mum (Too Drunk To Tell)
  • One More Mum For The Road (This Kinky Shit Is Expensive)
  • Arab Mum (Sexy And She Knows It)
  • I Want All Of Your Mum (And She Wants All Of Me)
  • No. 1 Party Mum (Seriously, I'm Going To Go Broke)
  • Mum Sounds Hot In The Shower When Dad's Around
  • Fiery Mum
  • Mum Only Calls Me When She's High
  • Snap Out Of It Mum, You're Hitting Yourself In The Face! (Where Are The Real Lum Berries)
  • My Mum's Knee Socks Are Hotter Than My Sister's
  • I Wanna Be Yours Mum
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