Archery

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“Maybe the smartest thing to do is pull it.”
~ Larry Silverstein on archery

Archery is the art, practice, or skill of propelling arrows with the use of a bow.[1] Archery has historically been used for hunting and combat. In modern times, however, its main use is that of a recreational activity, despite the apparent danger and the strict prohibitions against recreational archery set forth in the Bible. One who is relatively skilled in archery is typically known as an "archer" or "bowman," while an expert is sometimes called a "toxophilite." A beginning archer is known as "dangerous."

History

Itä-Suomen läänin vaakuna.svg
Coat of arms of Eastern Finland showing a loaded bow to the viewer's right (heraldic sinister). Notice that the arrow is held tightly between the two limbs of the bow until the arrow's sudden and explosive release.

The bow is first mentioned in Genesis chapter 21, during the exile of Ishmael from the kingdom of Israel. The Bible states that Hagar went a bowshot away from Ishmael so he wouldn't hear her crying. This is a testament to the skill and strength of archers during Abraham's time. Even the greatest archers of today can hear the sobbing where their shot lands whenever they fail their William Tell act. Perhaps one day, when man finds his way back to God, we will be able to relive these miracles.

While the oldest bows still intact were long thought to have come from the Holmegaard swamp in Denmark, a recent discovery suggests otherwise. A virtually undamaged older bow was found during an escape attempt at Folsom State Prison in California by convicted rapist Rod N. Pance III. The prisoner attempted to use the bow to fire two prehistoric and partially-burned[2] arrows he found. But his attempt at firing the arrows from the bow failed because he did not realize he needed a bow string.

Legend

Amor Victorious
Caravaggio's Amor Vincit Omnia. The painting shows Amor, son of Venus, Goddess of Love, and Mars, God of War. Here he displays his "arrow of love."

According to Greek legend, the bow and arrow were first invented by Eros, also known as Amor or the Roman Cupid. The boy was either the son of the Goddess of Love Venus and the God of War Mars, or was one of the primordial forces. Biblical historians note that it is in this era of moral decay that archery lost its sanctity. People began shooting without first seeking God's blessing and, in extreme cases, following Cupid's example and using their mates as pincushions. Ancient Rome's decline and eventual fall is in no small part due to the tolerance of these immoral acts. Or maybe they all got shot and died.

The Hindu Kāma has a very similar description. In artwork he is usually shown amusing himself with typical childhood play, such as throwing darts, catching a butterfly, or flirting with nymphs. He is often depicted with his mother, who is frequently shown with a horn in her mouth, or giving her son a spanking.

Modern Usage

Because it is mentioned in the Bible, archery is a sacred institution and must be practiced with utmost piety and reverence for the Lord our God. Thus He may draw evil from our hearts like a hunter draws a bow, granting us the power to smite faithlessness in unbelievers and vital organs in woodland creatures. While decent, law-abiding citizens practice archery in the way God intended,[3] there exists a growing trend of liberalism in which these libertines will indiscriminately shoot anything that moves. The Bible tells us that these sinners will pay the ultimate price for their earthly fun when they reach the afterlife.[4] Those few moments of toxophilical bliss will lead to eternal damnation and misery when the great socialist of Hell revokes their right to bear arms.

Despite the clear warnings the Bible gives us, there are some, their hearts surely guided by Comrade Lucifer himself, who seek to bring archery into secular life and even into the minds of our children in school. Under the guise of calling it a sport, they teach children the principles of archery, methods of safe archery and injury prevention. They may even bring equipment for our children to try. Many[citation needed] communities have taken to fighting back by writing letters to their school board demanding abstinence-only archery education, or by removing their children from the public school system completely and homeschooling them, or preferably both.

Archery between two arrows

Gay archer
The HMS Gay Archer (P1041). Doesn't it just boil your blood?

It is God's will that archery be between a bow and an arrow.[5] Not only is it plain common sense, but the Bible addresses the point specifically several times. Additionally, some experts argue that it's just plain gross. In fact, Dr. George Bush (no, not that George Bush, another one) once stated in an interview that "arrow-on-arrow archery doesn't even make sense. I mean, come on, guys, arrows just don't fit together like that. Unless you were to--hey, you in the back, put those down. Don't do that with those arrows. Stop it! That's sick! Don't you--Eeeeew! That's just not right! Aw, man."

As such archery is an abomination before God, it is the duty of every Christian to convert any such wayward archer that they see. Popular methods include praying for them to accept Jesus in their hearts and cast aside their confused ways. When that doesn't work, true believers will take to the streets with picket signs and shout at the top of their lungs God hates you and you're going to Hell.

Interestingly, the Bible doesn't say anything about bow-on-bow archery.

Archery Erotica

There is a book of the Bible devoted to the celebration of archery. Although generally considered too indecent to discuss in churches, nonetheless, a part of it is reproduced here for academic purposes.[6]

Cquote1 My beloved is mine, and I am his. I shooteth him across the plains.

My beloved hath slain a roe or a young hart: behold, he pinneth them to our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shooting himself through the lattice.

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sticks. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

(And by that I mean I SUCKED HIS COCK.)

Cquote2

Footnotes

  1. This type of bow is long, thin, polished and often made of wood or fiberglass. It is rarely worn as a hair ornament.
  2. The leading entomological archaeologists are in agreement that the burning is from the Sun Bees, a now-extinct species that was used by early Homo sapiens for hunting, and as a mascot for the Honey Flakes cereal. "It's BEE-rific!"
  3. Although one shan't talk about archery in polite company.
  4. Don't remember which verse says that. Sure it's in there somewhere.
  5. If you're ever in doubt, just remember the handy saying: "God created Bow and Arrow, not Bone and Marrow. No, um, that's not right, I mean Joan and Sarah. Wait. How did this saying go again?"
  6. Song of Solomon, Chapters 1 and 2.

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