Archaeologist

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“Don't they dig up dinosaurs or something?”

~ Oscar Wilde

Archaeologists are people cloned from the PETA of George Lucas. Their objective is the recovery of ancient stuff from dusty cellars and caves in order to put them in dusty museums that are only open on weekdays ending in a T and on the 5th day of the epistle. (Or so they would like you to think. Their true goal is in fact world domination.)

Archaeologists, like geologists, tend to be drunkards and cads who live by the rule "a fool and his money are soon partying". However, anyone knows a geologist can drink an archaeologist under the table.

Ignore the above sentence. It is very, very, very wrong. While geologists can hold their liquor, an archaeologist can drink anyone except an Engineering student under the table. How do I know? I am an archaeologist. Oh, and anthropologists can't hold their liquor at all. It's true.

Archaeologists believe that the world was created by a machine called Herbert, who somehow managed to fool Jesus into thinking that it was actually God. (it's amazing what a few beers can do)

Contents

[edit] Modus Operandi

Most archaeologists, as depicted accurately in Hollywood film and most comic books, lead lives of high adventure and death-defying intrigue. Whether tracking down ancient Sith artifacts for, um, science and subsequently mass-murdering multiple galaxies, accidentally reawakening malevolent fire-bombing mummies, incurring the curse of the Dragon Emperor and his acolytes with foolish mortal arrogance, or saving the world from Goa'uld oppression, the archaeologist is always busy. His cavalier and carefree antics are envied by his colleagues; women swoon over his field-work stubble. Ah, yes. So what if some native coolies get their hearts ripped out by a cult of Kali-worshippers? Who cares if some Commie gets her head blown up by aliens? A true archaeologist, like James Bond, cares naught for such trivialities.

Why just the other day I was digging a test pit on the site of a future strip mall, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but the skull of Elvis himself. Then a band of raging llamas burst out of the ground waving bat'leths and shrieking obscenities in ancient Sanskrit, which I could understand, because I am an archaeologist, which means I know all things and see all things, like Sauron. A harrowing and occasionally hilarious adventure ensued, which I cannot relate here for matters of national security. Suffice it to say that Hitler, Farrah Fawcett and copious amounts of Jack Daniels were involved.

This is a typical occurence in the life of an archaeologist. Anthropologists, on the other hand, wear nerdy glasses and usually join the bad guys. As Han Solo famously said, "Never trust an anthropologist with a squid in his hand."

[edit] Origin

The term archaeologist is derived from a cleverly disguised Japanese automobile called the Mitsubishi Arch of the Covenant. It was then stolen by the Yakuza's arch-enemy, the Catholics, who, unable to determine what the object was, decided it was a puppy and named it the Ark of the Covenant, after their best friend Moses. The Catholics hid the Ark in a pyramid protected by snakes (improving on their one snake in a tree trick.) As it turned out, the Ark is not in fact an adorable canine but the original repository of Barry Manilow records. It also melts Nazis.

Their patron saint is Indiana Jones.

[edit] Archaeologists vs. Anthropologists

Archaeologists and Anthropologists are long time bitter rivals, fighting many bloody wars, including the 7 Year Itch War. Because, as one of the conditions of peace, the Anthropologists were made responsible for keeping the records of this conflict safe and accessible, no one can tell what the hell actually happened.

A breed of peculiar hominid known as a bio-anthropologist has been bred by some maverick geneticists in an attempt to bridge the gap between these two incompatible species. Unfortunately, the result was a mutant superweapon more akin to a paleontologist than anything else. Bio-anthropologists are known to have unleashed velociraptor Armageddon on the universe.

[edit] Controversy

An archaeologist's work requires him to demolish ancient buildings, break open old doors and disturb local communities. Therefore, they have many natural enemies, such as fundamentalists, who aim to preserve fundaments, and Nazis.

Generally, laymen perceive archaeologists to be folks who didn't grow up and keep fantasising about mummies, Sith deities and dinosaurs. This is only because laypeople known nothing about the Stargate program, which employs 98.26525% of all modern-day archaelogists in SECRET government work.

"So homies as I was sayin. I was struttin my funky stuff, when a ton of mud and stuff scattered around me! I said whadyhellthinya doin homes! An he said oh im dysleximicated acheialomagist. So I said k'." ~ David Hasselhoff

Ignore that quote. The person who wrote it is obviously bat fuck insane.

[edit] What to do if you see an Archaeologist

Here is what you should do if you ever meet an archaeologist:

  • Complain at them saying that what they are doing is a complete waste of time and money and they should just get out of the way and let the house/office/road be built
  • Ask them what the best thing they have ever found is (this really narcs them)
  • Ask them how much they get paid (this REALLY narcs them!)
  • Ask them if they know Tony Robinson

If they respond to your questions the best thing to do is to take them to the pub and buy them a warm brown drink called Ale - it will generally shut them up for a while! (Remember, the more ale/beer/tequila/scotch you buy us, the longer we won't talk about the differences between the processual and postprocessual theoretical paradigms. You've been warned...)

[edit] Famous archaeologists

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