Aquaman
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“The verisimilitude of this pernicious character is only ostracized by the mediocrity personified in his insipid... aw, hell. Aquaman sucks.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aquaman
Michael Phelps, aka Aquaman is an Atlantean superhero, considered by many to be the worst superhero ever. This is not entirely true. Although Aquaman's power is talking to fish and his weakness is air, there are many superheroes crappier than Aquaman (Lobo the Duck being a good example). But since Aquaman predates all of them, out of respect no one has asked him to return the Worst Superhero Ever merchandise and awards he is given regularly.
Aquaman is still a virgin, despite being in his mid 60s. [1] It has been noted by a distinguished Aquaman scholar that, (quote) Aquaman is gayer than Richard Simmons riding a unicorn wearing a rainbow unitard while juggling 7 pink dildos.
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[edit] Powers
Aquaman has no powers. While swimming and talking to fish were considered super human feats in the 1940s, today his abilities are easily matched, and surpassed, by a marine biologist with a correspondence school diploma, or David Blane, and are therefore no longer considered "super" powers.
At one time Aquaman had a liquid hand, but had to get a new hand after it continually dissolved in the ocean.
Aquaman can talk to fish, although fish do not like him. Although Aquaman is Lord & Master of the sea, he is still frequently assaulted by radical sea animals. One such example is the time Aquaman was attacked by a feral octopus, who threw eight shoes at him before being arrested by the Men in Black.
Aquaman's weaknesses include air. Dry air is especially deadly to this "Super-hero."
Aquaman's intolerance of air is extremely disadvantageous to him considering that everything interesting happens outside of the water. Since he shares his environment with most marine life, he has also adapted to have their numerous weaknesses like oil spills, mercury poisoning, polar bears, algae and getting strangled by those plastic ring thingies that keeps a six pack together.
Aquaman also has the ability to throw waterballs, but only while under water. It doesn't work when he is out of water and in air. He also throws punches like a girl and is known to hurt his hand a lot because he forgets to keep his thumb out of his fist and also he has limp wrists.
He also has super strength, but is too lazy to use it.
[edit] Costume
Aquaman's costume is an orange shirt and green pants. They are far too tight, making him one of history's first recorded metrosexuals.
[edit] History
Originally created to address hydrophobia among children in the early 1940s, Aquaman was co-opted by the United States military as war propaganda for World War II. Convinced that this American Fishman would sodomize the sea life around their island and contaminate the world's source of sushi, Japan surrendered in disgust.
Aquaman's mythos shifts constantly, depending on how much butane the writer huffed in the last few hours. Ranging from his life as an insane sailor to the time he was the illegitimate son of a lighthouse keeper and a manatee, the most generally accepted origin of the character is that he is some sort of Atlanteans. Or perhaps he was raised by fiddler crabs. Or maybe an adolescent Aquaman washed up on shore and became the common law wife of a lighthouse keeper, who taught the young Fishboy our "landish" ways, such as walking, talking to non-fish, and pompadours.
Later the Justice League showed up and Superman dared Batman he couldn't ask "Fishfag" to join the group with a straight face. Batman succeeded[2], but unfortunately Aquaman didn't get the joke, and joined the team.
And he's been bringing the book down ever since.
[edit] Supporting Cast
While Aquaman comic books are generally considered toilet paper for the homeless, a few individuals have claimed to actually read them, and claim they include such characters as...
- Aqualad: A small, retarded boy who got lost at a Sea World. Became Aquaman's sidekick when park employees threw him into the ocean.
- Great Britain: A small, European country who is constantly harassed by Aquaman for eating his fish friends.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Lives in a pineapple under the sea, and enjoys a level of popularity that Aquaman can only dream of. This has resulted in several unsuccessful assassination attempts by Aquaman, including a bomb in a pie, a hyperactive squirrel and an attack from a sea bear. Aquaman is known as Mermaidman on the Spongebob show, and Spongebob always shows him up as a retarded hasbeen.
[edit] Black Manta
Black Manta was Aquaman's arch nemesis. Stop and think about. AQUAMAN'S arch nemesis. If you can't do better than Aquaman, you need a new job[3].
Black Manta committed suicide in 1997 by removing his helmet for 15 seconds.
[edit] List of Superheroes (Marginally) Worse than Aquaman
- Dr. Octagonopus: A lyrical, gynecologist scientist that theoretically keeps the puppies in a pedigree as small fetus brings Santa Claus to greet us. Its been citied that Dr. Octagon has mesmerizing powers over women and feeds their hungry trouser snake traps large helpings of snake pork sausages. Attire: Surgical cloke with mask and scrubs holding a metal scalpel in hand Powers: Pulling out the skull and removing cancer. Weaknesses: Females.
- Green Lantern: A lantern that glows green.. Whooptie Freaking Doo! Its been rumored that the Green Lantern is the offspring of trailer trash living too close to Tony Starks laboratory where they were exposed to unhealthy levels of radiation. The results were a boy who could mass atomically morph his body into a lantern that illuminates a greenish glow. (no homo). Powers: Green Glow to temporarily blind evil doers and alter their reproduction capabilities. Weaknesses: Gusty Winds and fart bombs (can we say flame and gas = BOOM!)
- Uncle Marvel: An elderly wino in a Captain Marvel costume. Powers: none. Weaknesses: He's old.
- The Atom: He has the amazing ability to shrink both his body and his penis.
- Aqualad: In all fairness, Aqualad just never had a chance.
- Rick Jones: Professional sidekick for Hulk, Captain America, the other Captain Marvel and Rom, Space Knight. Powers: Plot Immunity. in spite of being completely useless, Marvel just won't kill him off. Weaknesses: I repeat - Rom, Space Knight. I'm Rick Jones, bitch!
- Lobo the Duck. A psychotic vampire-duck from outer-space with no real superpowers. He dates a hippy and has one weird-looking dog. If he's not the worst superhero then he's definitely the weirdest.
- Marvin, Wendy, & Wonder Dog: teenage members of the Super Friends ( and their dog), Marvin and Wendy have no superpowers. They were added to the team so Aquaman wouldn't be the only Superfriend without superpowers. The three of them were later killed after suffocating on their own annoyance. Their corpses were defecated on and then tossed into the sun by Superman who, for once, was not considered a dick for doing so.
- Wonder Twins and Gleek: Nuff said.
- Green Arrow: At least Aquaman didn't have to share a book with a guy who just has a giant ring.
- Mockingbird: A normal human being who's "superpowers" consisted of two sticks and a handful of gymnastics classes. Joined the Avengers in exchange for providing deviant sexual favors to Hawkeye.
- Wonderman. Suspected in the disappearances of several people, Wonderman may save the day, but whatever you do, don't start a conversation with him. For some strange reason, he is obsessed with a local reporter and the size of said reporter's genitalia. Whether or not Wonderman is a homosexual has yet to be determined.
- Aqua Mariner: only because he is a ripoff.
- Razorback:He was a trucker with a fucking electric pig hat. Wow,huh?
- Captain Caveman: seriously, hes a hairy retard with a stick....
- Blue Beetle, because he died by Max Lord shotting him with a pistol and really didn't have any super powers at all. Just a guy in a funny suit named after a bug.
- WaterHombre The Mexican Aquaman from the Justice League of Mexico. Has the same powers as Aquaman, except that Water is the English word for Aqua, and Hombre is the Spanish word for Man. WaterHombre swam the Rio Grand river to Texas and now works as an undocumented worker in a meat packing plant.
[edit] See also
[edit] References
- ↑ This means that Aqualad is the only teenage sidekick who has never been sexually molested.
- ↑ this has often been referred to as his greatest achievement
- ↑ An experiment was conduced in the late 1980's to find out which was more threatening to the average person; Black Manta, or a wet floor sign. A wet floor sign was placed in a grocery store on one end of an aisle, and Black Manta with a harpoon gun on the other end. The studies showed that 94% of people chose to bypass Black Manta instead of the wet floor sign, and the people whom chose the wet floor sign did not know Black Manta was on the other side.
