Aquaman

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Michael Phelps: King of Atlantis.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Aquaman.

Aquaman is an Atlantian superhero, considered by many to be the best superhero (as voted by sea monkeys). Although Aquaman's best superpower is the ability to talk to fish and his main weakness is air, there are many superheroes that are worse than Aquaman; just not Namor the Submariner, who also can fly, ages slower, and is interesting.

Aquaman is still a virgin, despite being in his mid-60s and having fathered a child. However, Aquaman has experienced a resurgence in his cool factor by doing weed and entering the Olympics under the pseudonym Michael Phelps.

edit Powers

Aquaman has no superpowers besides the uncanny ability to always suck—oxygen. While swimming fast and talking to fish were considered super-human feats in the 1940's, today his abilities are easily matched by most marine biologists with basic correspondence school diplomas. Therefore, Aquaman's abilities are no longer considered "super" powers.

Aquaman's ability to speak to sea creatures is rather irrelevant these days since fish do not really like humans any more (seeing as how we killed most of them with oil). It's rumored he dated a sea urchin before being dumped. Although Aquaman is Lord & Master of the sea, he is still frequently assaulted by rogue sea animals. One such example is the time Aquaman was attacked by a feral octopus, who threw eight shoes at him before being eaten by a very old shark. He also has the ability to blow bubbles from his mouth and nose to entertain kids.

Aquaman's intolerance of air is extremely disadvantageous to him considering that everything interesting happens outside of the water. This often makes Aquaman quite lonely at night. He doesn't even have fish to converse with. Since Aquaman has spent his entire life in the ocean, he has adapted to the point that he now has all sea creatures' weaknesses in addition to his own natural ones. These include oil spills, mercury poisoning, polar bears, algae and getting strangled by those plastic ring thingies that keep a six-pack together.

edit History

Aquaman milk

Aquaman and Aqualad promoting "milk" while ignorantly fondling a he-goat. Sour milk, indeed.

Aquaman was created by the United States military as propaganda during World War II. Most people didn't particularly enjoy Aquaman to begin with, and now that he was overly eager to be Uncle Sam's yes-man, nobody paid any particular attention to him during the war years, like the cleverly camouflaged chloroplasts of a squid disguised as a commercial failure sunken ship. However, Aquaman did serve a useful purpose with his revolting properties. Japanese children were so delighted with a superhero story involving sushi that a dynamic cultural shift led to the Japanese embrace of western customs that we see today. An alternative theory suggests the United States simply vaporized most of them.

Aquaman's origin story is currently a mystery. The writers of the series were often so high that they wrote multiple story arcs without realizing it. These stories range from his life as an insane sailor to the time he was the illegitimate son of a lighthouse keeper and a manatee. The most generally accepted origin of the character, however is that he is King Arthur riding a sea horse.

edit Supporting Cast and Other Adventures

Aquamanthirsty

Superman does not like Aquaman or Jimmy Olsen.

While Aquaman comic books are generally used as toilet paper by the homeless, a few individuals have claimed to actually read them. These 'people' assert that the series includes such characters as...

  • Aqualad: A little boy who got lost at a Sea World. He became Aquaman's sidekick after his parents stood by recording it on their cell phones.
  • Great Britain: A small, European country which is constantly harassed by Aquaman for eating his fish friends.

edit Black Manta

Black Manta was Aquaman's arch nemesis. Stop and think about. Aquaman's arch nemesis. If you can't do better than Aquaman, you need a new job[1]. Black Manta committed suicide by cop in 1997, by removing his helmet for 15 seconds and breathing the air in Beijing. His suicide letter was too waterlogged to be legibly read. Basic words such as "worthless," and "pickle" were deciphered, but the police didn't spend any longer than 10 minutes tops trying to solve the case.

edit List of Superheroes (Equally) As Bad As Aquaman

  • Green Lantern: A lantern that glows green. Wow... It's been rumored that the Green Lantern is the offspring of trailer trash living too close to Tony Stark's laboratory where they were exposed to unhealthy levels of radiation. The result was a boy who could morph his body into a lantern that illuminates a greenish glow.
  • Captain Caveman: Also known as Vandal Savage, he is the immortal mob boss of Bedrock.
  • Jimbo Wales: He too can talk to whales; asking them for donations of pirate gold.

edit See also

edit References

  1. An experiment was conduced in the late 1980's to find out which was more threatening to the average person; Black Manta, or a wet floor sign. A wet floor sign was placed in a grocery store on one end of an aisle, and Black Manta with a harpoon gun on the other end. The studies showed that 94% of people chose to bypass Black Manta instead of the wet floor sign, and the people who chose the wet floor sign did not know Black Manta was on the other side.


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