From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Another thing we make you think you need.”
Apple Incorporatedness is an evil cult banned in several countries including Botswana and Andorra, famed for the antisemetic views of its followers who are known to pontificate on the great iMiracles regularly excreted by its former Great Leader, Steve Jobs. The Great Leader is the 15th incarnation of a long line of dictators who have dared to think differently. In commonality with Buddhist thought, Apple, Steve Jobs, and his workers, are to be considered One, with shared consciousness and utter dedication to the Whole, from which new products emerge.
The real Steve Jobs died of a fatal heroin overdose in 2004. Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Cook and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve (with funding from NORML, SAFER and Cannabis Culture, druggies who had a vested interest in covering up Steve Jobs' death, because they would rather die than admit they were wrong).
iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser in his ass (or so they thought), and a string in his back that when pulled, made him say buzz words like "amazing" and "cool". Still, iSteve could not cut and paste, which nearly blew his cover at a corporate arts-and-crafts function. This was corrected with the iSteve 2. iSteve 2 died in August 2011, in a failed attempt to run two apps at the same time.
Tim Cook, too lazy to design an iSteve 3, simply became CEO himself. Cook's first act as CEO will be to reinstate "that delightful rainbow logo!" from 1976-1998. Please note that when Cook talked about the new-old rainbow logo an artist on the spot said that by the descriptions it will end up looking like a giant, multi-cultural penis.
By the power invested in Steve Jobs by the greedy capitalist society of America, Apple makes shit tons of useless gadgets that people usually shove into their genitalia. Unlike Hard Penis (founded by Bill Gates), Apple doesn't condone the use of child labor for the construction of it's electronics. This is not because Steve Jobs is ethical; it's because Steve Jobs says, "Children's fingers are too fat!" This is why the wise and totally not gay Steve Jobs forces fetuses, with their small yet extraordinary nimble fingers, to make his products. Chinese fetuses. On average, the typical Chinese fetus can build twenty iPods during the second trimester. If any babies fail to meet this required minimum, the all-powerful Steve Jobs forces the mother to have a back-alley late-term abortion.
Of course, he forces them to make other products as well.
The iPod was Steve Jobs' brainchild, a mass multi-media storage device that revolutionized the music we listen to. It plays music about the Holocaust and segregation. Apple released a version of the iPod in 2006 that was manufactured with several bramley apples, but was a flop due to them rotting and was discontinued 1 month after release.
Apple realized that the iPod was great and all, but it needed to be more usable for blind people and more accessible to the poor, so they made the iPod Shuffle. Luckily, neither the poor nor the blind are smart enough to understand why it never plays the song they want it to. This allows those with iPod Touches or other MP3 players to laugh at the poor idiots, because they're special. Even Zune owners are better than the poor blind iPod Shuffle owners.
After his first two worthless versions of the iPod, Steve Jobs then decided to make the iPod Mini, after receiving many complaints from all the elitist douche nozzles that the old model was, "too big", and it, "hurt their hands." Also they wanted it in pink.
When most companies would try and invent new products and reach new markets, Apple boldly decided to just keep pumping out new versions of the same crap.
They added a phone to the iPod touch. That's it.
After the insuccess of the iPhone, Steve Jobs felt the need to actually be creative for once and dreamed up the "iPad" it would be an electronic tampon of sorts that a woman could use to regulate her cycle, track her fertility, and even use as a mild birth control. In the end however, Jobs thought it would be more fruitful to make the iPad a "giant iPod" because study groups found the original to be too convenient.
Actually, the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a dishwasher hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2 however stated that finally a 'legitimate use for the iPad' had been discovered.
The greatest iInvention to ever be created. The HumancentiPad is composed of an Asian man with an iPhone stuck to his head, followed by Kyle of South Park, followed by some random slut with an iPad stuck to her ass. The three humans are connected ass to mouth (by way of connecting gastrointestinal sytems and not the popular sexual endeavour). This is what will happen to you if you don't read the apple terms of conditions.
If the iPod is the soul of Apple, it's brain is The Mac (even though it is technically just a computer). Just like a brain of a human, The Mac serves no real purpose because doing anything useful on it is overly complex. This is why it is only used by douche nozzles to take pictures and videos of their dogs.
To increase the user base of The Mac, they renamed it iMac. This was an ingenious move which made Linux users hate Apple even more. Their hate only served to create the popular slogan, "iAmGladNoDirtyLinuxfagsUseThis!", which helped Apple convince everyone that the iMac was a good product.
In November of 2011, Apple attempted to release their own brand of Cola. During its trial run Apple managed to sue Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr Pepper, and 59 other soft drink groups. The trial period ended 2 weeks after the initial release.
Tim Cook, The now CEO of Apple, hinted in a speech that Apple Incorporatedness is soon going to branch to other, more erotic buyers. The iDildo will "be a brand new start to the company," says an anonymous informer, said to be a colleague of Cook's, "Reaching out to a brand new type of buyer." Although it is not a completely official opening of the iDildo, a designer at Apple has assured that they do not intend to suck up to the buyers, but more just offer a new installment of Apple. With the "cumming of the iDildo" - A quote from a yet unreleased ad - Tim Cook proposes a new way of buying products. "Instead of asking for money on the spot," Cook says at an informal meeting, "We will be introducing a featured method of payment, only for the iDildo." The featured method of payment in speaking is such a one that allows the buyer to pay a certain amount of money "anally" for the iDildo.
The fanbase of Apple Computers is comprised of a bunch of brain-dead, football humping monkeys that will buy an Apple product just because that is what everyone else is doing (commonly known as "iDiots"). No matter how poor you claim the graphics card or processor is, the most common argument that the Apple consumer will use against your claim is "The Mac is the best computer ever because it's a Mac!" Most attend or have attended The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting.
Apple faced many controversies when they were accused of putting hypnotic suggestions in all of their software that slowly turns all of its users into elitist, soul-patch rocking, black sweater wearing, latte drinking douche nozzles. Rather than trying to debunk these rumors, Steve Jobs simply smiled and put an "i" in front of his name to avoid any lawsuits brought against him.
Another controversy arose when Apple was reported as saying Fransisco Franco was their inspiration for making the iPhone. Rather than decreasing their sales, however, the gay motherfuckers decided that instead of making everything compatible with anyone's computers, they would only make it work if you had the iTesticle. This fucked everyone up and made everyone buy iMacs.
Along with the less common 'Blackberry', Apple's iPhone has contributed dramatically to the increase in 'Fruit Phone Disease' whereby consumers tell everyone they know - including friends who may have the same device - when they've bought one and subsequently can't put the fucking thing down for more than five minutes.
Copyright infringement of Microsoft
Apple has been known to rip off Microsoft, on the grounds that "we can do everything better." But they don't. Their version of Microsoft Office doesn't have all of the features Big Mike's version has, such as the ability to edit mathematical equations. It just provides a lot of useless new features like 3-D effects in PowerPoint that are only used in multi-million dollar movies such as The Hunger Games. Even Apple's version of Microsoft's popular video game, BlueScreen™ Ultimate Edition - In 3-D, sucks. It just tells you to reboot your iDevice without giving you even one clue as to how to win the game! But you know, Apple's like that. Talk about usability! Vain fuckers.
A key part of the Apple culture is to sue anything/body/company that creates a product or service than in any way, shape, form or not at all resembles an Apple product. This includes suing McDonald's in 2002 for the manufacturing of a hardware component called the "Big Mac". Apple claims that: "Should this hardware be put into place into the consumer market, it is in direct competition with Apple, and therefore stole the name Mac to make the burger appear more shiny, allowing them to charge $2200 to suckers who love shiny things." Apple lost this court case.
Steve Jobs was once quoted as saying that "Apple aims to protect its brand at all costs, mostly to the dim-whitted consumer of our iCrap."
In 2010, Apple sued rival phone manufacturer HTC for having an unlock feature on it's phones; an idea, Apple claims, that they thought of. They attempted to sue HTC for 622 bazzillion dollars, but lost, as the judge ruled that this was not a real number.
Later in 2010, Apple tried to sue an apple for stealing its name and logo.
In a recent scandal in February of this year, Apple were accused by Alcoholics Anonymous of inciting hatred against cats on their official website. The spokespersons for AA were later found to be drunk, and the case was dismissed.
In April of this year, Apple attempted to sue themselves over the design of the MacBook Pro. Now-CEO Tim Cook commented, "The MacBook Pro is direct competition for the MacBook Pro, and it is clear that the MacBook Pro has infringed Apple's patents." The case was dismissed before it went to court.
In August 2012 Apple successfully managed to sue Samsung for a billion dollars after convincing an iJury that it owned to rights to a newly invented shape tentatively named the iRectangle.
After several dismissed lawsuits, in May of this year Apple decided to sue the responsible judges. It was reported that CEO Tim Cook was solely behind this decision, which was later confirmed by Tim Cook himself. He was later arrested by authorities and imprisoned for 3 weeks. The case was dismissed.
Not only has Apple been the subject of much controversy over the years, it has also caused much confusion. For starters, the most confounding part of Apple is Apple's undeserved success. Every day some brave soul dares to ask, "Why do I keep buying Apple products? They're shit and extremely overpriced, but I just keep buying! WHY?!" Apple's response is always some on the lines of, "
We own you. It's because you're such a valued consumer to us and know we'll keep providing you with excellent products for many years to come at the most affordable pricing we can."
Another confusing decision made by Apple is the lack of Adobe Flash on their products. This seems to conflict with the goals of the majority of their consumers who visit Flash-based video sites to watch videos of other peoples dogs. In response to this, Apple says, "
Fuck Flash cause we don't own it. We at Apple believe that Flash is antiquated and don't want to trouble our consumers with it."
And the most confusing of all Apple's decisions is the name. Being a complete and utter asshole, Steve Jobs claims to have coined the term "Apple" and even owns the copyright to the word. However, there are some who claim "Apple" is actually a type of fruit invented by Renaissance Man Johnny Appleseed and that one can buy a bag of apples from the grocery store. Some even claim people can grow their own apples in their own backyards (or front, if they want some commie who thinks the tree needs to "spread the delicious wealth" coming up and eating all their damn apples). Apple responded to these claims by saying, "
FUCK YOU FUCKERS! STEVE JOBS HAS THE REAL COPYRIGHT PAPERS, YOU CUNTFUCKS! YOU OWE US MONEY EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A BITE OF A GRANNY SMITH, BITCH! AND DON'T THINK WE WON'T SUE THAT OLD CUNT FOR VIOLATING OUR COPYRIGHT! The creator of the term 'Apple' is most certainly Steve Jobs. We can not speak of ongoing litigation, but charges have been brought against those who have blatantly abused our company name or likeness. We always have the best interests of our consumers in mind. They are the ones who truly the ones who suffer when someone misuses our brand name. Oh, and we are releasing a new version of the iPod! It is infinitely better than the current one on the market because it's RAINBOW COLORED! We hope everyone buys one for their relatives, and even one for themselves. It is being released at the unbelievable price of $10000! This is our greatest deal yet!"
|iPods:||iPod - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod Slim - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter|
|iDevices:||iMac - iPad - iNuke - iRon - Apple Watch - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - IEye - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot - iCarly - iBauer - iWeapon - iSland|
|iHardware:||iGraters - iSpell Key - MacBook - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone|
|iSoftware:||iTunes - iMovie - iLinux - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y - Mac OS Z|
|i3rd Party Mods:||iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - iTrip - iHack|
|iOthers:||Neuroipods - iFraud - iCult|