Apple Inc.

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{{whoops|Sweatshops|iBauer|iHamster|iPod|iPhone}}
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{{about|the humble corporation|the tasty snack|Apple}}
{{Q|Another thing we make you think you need.|Apple|the new iPad}}
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[[File:apple-cookies.jpg|thumb|250px|Complementary Apple-shaped cookies, free with any purchase of one of their products.]]
{{Undictionary|Apple}}
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{{Wikipedia}}
'''Apple Incorporatedness''' is an evil cult banned in several countries including Botswana and Andorra, famed for the antisemetic views of its followers who are known to pontificate on the great iMiracles regularly excreted by its former Great Leader, [[Steve Jobs]]. The Great Leader is the 15th incarnation of a long line of dictators who have dared to think differently. In commonality with Buddhist thought, Apple, Steve Jobs, and his workers, are to be considered One, with shared consciousness and utter dedication to the Whole, from which new products emerge.
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'''Apple <s>Computer</s> Inc.''' is not just a computer/portable device company, but at its inner core a philosophy. It's a philosophy of life, of living, of being alive, of [[Bee Gees|stayin' alive]], and of livin' la vida loca. It is a way of thinking and consuming overpriced monochrome technology that's designed with elegance.
   
The real Steve Jobs died of a fatal heroin overdose in 2004. Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Cook and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve (with funding from NORML, SAFER and Cannabis Culture, druggies who had a vested interest in covering up Steve Jobs' death, because they would rather die than admit they were wrong).
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Apple is known for their iMiracles regularly excreted by Great Leader [[Steve Jobs]], such the <s>Macintosh</s> [[iMac]], [[iPod]], [[iPhone]], [[iPad]], and [[iHamster]]. In commonality with Buddhist thought, Apple, Jobs, and his workers are to be considered One, with shared consciousness and utter dedication to the Whole, from which new products emerge. All of Apple's products are guaranteed top-of-the-line and "double-plus good."
   
iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser in his ass (or so they thought), and a string in his back that when pulled, made him say buzz words like "amazing" and "cool". Still, iSteve could not cut and paste, which nearly blew his cover at a corporate arts-and-crafts function. This was corrected with the iSteve 2. iSteve 2 died in August 2011, in a failed attempt to run two apps at the same time.
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Apple's triumph in the global technology industry has been based on a clear ideology of innovation, and abiding to these slogans: "Think Different" and "It Just Werks". In due time, Apple soared through the market and survived the tech-wars of the '90s, defeating economist's expectations again and again. They are now stronger than ever, having emerged from the patent wars with Samsung.
   
Tim Cook, too lazy to design an iSteve 3, simply became CEO himself. Cook's first act as CEO will be to reinstate "that ''delightful'' rainbow logo!" from 1976-1998. Please note that when Cook talked about the new-old rainbow logo an artist on the spot said that by the descriptions it will end up looking like a giant, multi-cultural penis.
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== History ==
[[File:Apple.gif|thumb|right|300px|'''Apple Incorporatedness''': We Are One]]{{Wikia|apple}}
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===1984–91: Good Times===
== Products ==
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[[File:368520818_285c6ef7bc_o.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Apple spends nearly a quarter of its annual revenue on advertising.]]
[[File:Steve Jobs error occurred.jpg|thumb|200px|left|'''iGrave''': Steve Jobs already bought himself one. Apparently, he hid himself inside one and couldn't get out.]]
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Apple was founded in 1984, when the Great Leader [[Steve Jobs]] received a vision of purity and infinite aesthetic, reputedly inspired by [[George Orwell]]'s ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''. His vision was of a collective society transformed and unified under the mysticism of minimilism and simplicity.
   
By the power invested in Steve Jobs by [[The Justice League|the greedy capitalist society of America]], Apple makes shit tons of useless gadgets that people usually shove into their genitalia. Unlike Hard Penis (founded by Bill Gates), Apple doesn't condone the use of child labor for the construction of it's electronics. This is not because Steve Jobs is ethical; it's because Steve Jobs says, ''"Children's fingers are too fat!"'' This is why the wise and totally not gay Steve Jobs forces fetuses, with their small yet extraordinary nimble fingers, to make his products. Chinese fetuses. On average, the typical Chinese fetus can build twenty iPods during the second trimester. If any babies fail to meet this required minimum, the all-powerful Steve Jobs forces the mother to have a back-alley late-term [[abortion]].
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Jobs' first attempt at capturing this vision was the iSandwich, a specially microchipped tuna baguette that played music whilst in the stomach. He was quickly persuaded to discontinue the product after customers complained that the sewers were becoming "too musical".
   
Of course, he forces them to make other products as well.
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As Jobs had no one to transcribe his vision into words, his second attempt was to create a computer out of the collective debris of drug paraphenalia and organic matter located on the floor of his mother's kitchen. Featuring voice-recognitition software, he could now dictate directly into the machine and thus make the machine—the Macintosh—the vehicle for his new philosophy.
   
=== iPod ===
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The first ever Macintosh was released on January 24, 1984. It was Apple's first commercial success and profits went to creating their first subsidiary. While Apple wasn't the first company to sell a computer, they were the first to do so with flashy packaging and state-of-the-art branding and marketing.
The iPod was Steve Jobs' brainchild, a mass multi-media storage device that revolutionized the music we listen to. It plays music about the [[Holocaust]] and [[segregation]]. Apple released a version of the iPod in 2006 that was manufactured with several bramley apples, but was a flop due to them rotting and was discontinued 1 month after release.
 
   
=== iPod Shuffle ===
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===1991–97: Decline===
Apple realized that the iPod was great and all, but it needed to be more usable for blind people and more accessible to the poor, so they made the iPod Shuffle. Luckily, neither the poor nor the blind are smart enough to understand why it never plays the song they want it to. This allows those with iPod Touches or other [[MP3 players]] to laugh at the poor idiots, because they're special. Even [[Zune]] owners are better than the poor blind iPod Shuffle owners.
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By 1991, Jobs had been cast out in the cold and took to bitching and mailing faeces to former drug dealer, and now Apple CEO, John Sculley. Whilst lost in a three day prescription painkiller binge, Jobs decided to make a $10,000 dollar computer and found the company NeXT.
   
=== iPod Mini ===
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Apple prefers to forget these years.
After his first two worthless versions of the iPod, Steve Jobs then decided to make the iPod Mini, after receiving many complaints from all the elitist douche nozzles that the old model was, ''"too big"'', and it, ''"hurt their hands."'' Also they wanted it in pink.
 
   
=== iPod Touch ===
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===1997–2007: Comeback===
[[File:Ipod3dmm.gif|thumb|270px|This ad campaign was also the brainchild of Steve Jobs. He's the only one at Apple who <s>is allowed to have</s> has ideas.]]
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Following six years of decline, Steve Jobs returned to Apple as CEO. After unfucking the company and making a fortune in their IPO, Jobs directed the company away from computers and into the competitive portable device market, against the sound advice of everyone around him. Those who stayed are now rich and those who left became depressed, overweight couch potatoes.
   
When most companies would try and invent new products and reach new markets, Apple boldly decided to just keep pumping out new versions of the same crap.
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Jobs conceived the [[iPod]], a portable music player with marginally better quality than that of a Walkman. He decided to make the damn thing incompatible with all computers other than Macs and to people to buy from his online music store iTunes, which previously was a free service dedicated to hosting the music stylings of Jobs.
   
=== iPhone ===
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===2007–11: World domination===
They added a phone to the iPod touch. That's it.
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Over the next half-decade, orchestrating from his ranch near Waco, Texas, Jobs created an ever-more diverse set of instruments, each embodying the spirit of Apple. Each successive device ([[iPhone]] 1, 2, 3, and 4Steve) allowed Apple greater and greater control over its followers. Finally, in 2011, the Singularity was reached, in which the entire Earth became part of the Whole.
   
=== iPad ===
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===2011–present: Post-Jobs era===
After the insuccess of the iPhone, Steve Jobs felt the need to actually be creative for once and dreamed up the "iPad" it would be an electronic tampon of sorts that a woman could use to regulate her cycle, track her fertility, and even use as a mild birth control. In the end however, Jobs thought it would be more fruitful to make the iPad a "giant iPod" because study groups found the original to be too convenient.
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The Lord Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer in 2011. Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Cook and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve. iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser, and a string in his back that when pulled, made him say buzzwords like "amazing" and "cool". Still, iSteve could not cut and paste, which nearly blew his cover at a corporate arts-and-crafts function. This was corrected with the iSteve 2, but ''that'' died in a failed attempt to run two apps at the same time.
   
Actually, the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a dishwasher hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2 however stated that finally a 'legitimate use for the iPad' had been discovered.
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Tim Cook, too lazy to design an iSteve 3, simply became CEO himself. Cook's first act as CEO will be to reinstate "Apple's "fabulous" rainbow logo!" previously used from 1976-1998.
   
=== The HumancentiPad ===
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==Products==
The greatest iInvention to ever be created. The HumancentiPad is composed of an Asian man with an iPhone stuck to his head, followed by Kyle of South Park, followed by some random slut with an iPad stuck to her ass. The three humans are connected ass to mouth (by way of connecting gastrointestinal sytems and not the popular sexual endeavour). This is what will happen to you if you don't read the apple terms of conditions.
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By the power invested in Steve Jobs by [[The Justice League|the capitalist society of America]], Apple makes tons of gadgets that have [[Dildo|numerous uses]]. Unlike Microsoft, Apple doesn't condone the use of child labor for the construction of it's electronics. This is not because Steve Jobs is ethical; it's because, as Jobs says: "Children's fingers are too fat!"
   
=== The Mac ===
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This is why Our Lord and Savior Steve Jobs forces fetuses, with their small yet extraordinary nimble fingers, to make his products. ''Chinese'' fetuses. On average, the typical Chinese fetus can build twenty iPods during the second trimester. If any babies fail to meet this required minimum, the all-powerful Steve Jobs forces the mother to have a back-alley late-term [[abortion]].
[[File:Med freebsd fuck linux.jpg|thumb|200px|left|This background comes equipped on every iMac just to remind every iMac owner that they made a smart choice buying an iMac, even though they could have bought a functioning [[Windows|computer]] instead.]]
 
   
If the iPod is the soul of Apple, it's brain is The Mac (even though it is technically just a computer). Just like a brain of a human, The Mac serves no real purpose because doing anything useful on it is overly complex. This is why it is ''only'' used by douche nozzles to take pictures and videos of their dogs.
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===iMac===
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If the iPod is the soul of Apple, it's brain is the iMac (even though it is technically just a poncy computer). Just like a brain of a human, the iMac serves no real purpose because doing anything useful on it is overly complex. This is why it is ''only'' used by college drunks to edit pictures and videos of them partying and having sex in the shopping mall parking lot.
   
To increase the user base of The Mac, they renamed it iMac. This was an ingenious move which made [[Linux]] [[Gay People|users]] hate Apple even more. Their hate only served to create the popular slogan, ''"iAmGladNoDirtyLinuxfagsUseThis!"'', which helped Apple convince everyone that the iMac was a good product.
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To increase the user base of the Macintosh, they renamed it iMac. This was an ingenious move which made [[Linux]] [[Gay People|users]] hate Apple even more. Their hate only served to create the popular slogan, ''"iAmGladNoDirtyLinuxfagsUseThis!"'', which helped Apple convince everyone that the iMac was a good product.
   
=== iCola ===
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===Mac Mini===
In November of 2011, Apple attempted to release their own brand of Cola. During its trial run Apple managed to sue Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr Pepper, and 59 other soft drink groups. The trial period ended 2 weeks after the initial release.
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[[file:overview_hero1.png|thumb|left|200px|The brand new Mac Mini with its own serial numbers to identify individual models from each other. It is difficult to find the on switch.]]
   
=== Future Products ===
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The not-so-long-ago release of the Mac Mini has encountered many problems, including memory loss and compression failure. Apple has recently fixed these problems and hope that they can continue to sell the Mac Mini after its shaky beginning. Even Bill Gates is recorded as saying "It's even better than the original. It makes me want to get back into the computer industry, and I would in a heartbeat...if I weren't so busy being retired and donating to charity."
Tim Cook, The now CEO of Apple, hinted in a speech that Apple Incorporatedness is soon going to branch to other, more erotic buyers. The iDildo will "be a brand new start to the company," says an anonymous informer, said to be a colleague of Cook's, "Reaching out to a brand new type of buyer." Although it is not a completely official opening of the iDildo, a designer at Apple has assured that they do not intend to ''suck up'' to the buyers, but more just offer a new installment of Apple. With the "cumming of the iDildo" - A quote from a yet unreleased ad - Tim Cook proposes a new way of buying products. "Instead of asking for money on the spot," Cook says at an informal meeting, "We will be introducing a featured method of payment, only for the iDildo."
 
The featured method of payment in speaking is such a one that allows the buyer to pay a certain amount of money "''anally''" for the iDildo.
 
   
== Consumers ==
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===Macbook Air===
The fanbase of Apple Computers is comprised of a bunch of brain-dead, football humping monkeys that will buy an Apple product just because that is what everyone else is doing (commonly known as "iDiots"). No matter how poor you claim the graphics card or processor is, the most common argument that the Apple consumer will use against your claim is "The Mac is the best computer ever because it's a Mac!" Most attend or have attended [[The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting]].
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The Macbook Air was an incredible experiment in non-existent technical design and the minimalism. These computers were engineered to be as thin as air and dissolve in your hands the moment you picked them up. Apple could offer traditional recipes meeting hi-tech fantasy and an absolute minimum atom count.
   
== Controversy ==
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The Macbook Air took ten years to produce and were sold out a year before they went on sale. Apple decided to discontinue the Macbook Air, though there are rumours of its reintroduction, as several enthusiastic customers have threatened suicide if the line is permanently discontinued.
Apple faced many controversies when they were accused of putting hypnotic suggestions in all of their software that slowly turns all of its users into elitist, soul-patch rocking, black sweater wearing, latte drinking douche nozzles. Rather than trying to debunk these rumors, Steve Jobs simply smiled and put an ''"i"'' in front of his name to avoid any lawsuits brought against him.
 
   
Another controversy arose when Apple was reported as saying [[Fransisco Franco]] was their inspiration for making the [[iPhone]]. Rather than decreasing their sales, however, the gay motherfuckers decided that instead of making everything compatible with anyone's computers, they would only make it work if you had the iTesticle. This fucked everyone up and made everyone buy iMacs.
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===iPod===
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[[File:Ipod3dmm.gif|thumb|200px|This ad campaign was also the brainchild of Steve Jobs. He's the only one at Apple who <s>is allowed to have</s> has ideas.]]
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The [[iPod]] was Steve Jobs' brainchild: a mass multi-media storage device that revolutionized the [[music]] we listen to. Apple released a version of the iPod in 2006 that was manufactured with bramley apples, but was a flop due to them rotting and was discontinued one month after release.
   
Along with the less common 'Blackberry', Apple's iPhone has contributed dramatically to the increase in 'Fruit Phone Disease' whereby consumers tell everyone they know - including friends who may have the same device - when they've bought one and subsequently can't put the fucking thing down for more than five minutes.
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===iPod Shuffle===
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Apple realized that the iPod was great and all, but it needed to be more usable for blind people and more accessible to the poor, so they made the iPod Shuffle. Luckily, neither the poor nor the blind are smart enough to understand why it never plays the song they want it to. This allows those with iPod Touches or other [[MP3 players]] to laugh at the poor idiots, because they're special. Even [[Zune]] owners are better than the poor blind iPod Shuffle owners.
   
=== Copyright infringement of Microsoft ===
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===iPod Mini===
[[File:Apple panic10.6 fake.png|thumb|240px|This version of ''[[Blue Screen of Death]]'' shows just how much Apple hates you.]]
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After his first two worthless versions of the iPod, Steve Jobs then decided to make the iPod Mini, after receiving many complaints from all the elitist douche nozzles at the LGBT Brigade that the old model was, ''"too big"'', and it, ''"hurt their hands."'' Also they wanted it in poofter pink.
   
Apple has been known to rip off Microsoft, on the grounds that "we can do everything better." But they don't. Their version of [[Microsoft Office]] doesn't have all of the features Big Mike's version has, such as the ability to edit mathematical equations. It just provides a lot of useless new features like 3-D effects in [[PowerPoint]] that are only used in multi-million dollar movies such as ''[[The Hunger Games]]''. Even Apple's version of Microsoft's popular video game, ''[[Blue Screen of Death|BlueScreen&trade; Ultimate Edition - In 3-D]]'', sucks. It just tells you to reboot your iDevice without giving you even one clue as to how to win the game! But you know, Apple's like that. Talk about usability! Vain fuckers.
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===iPod Touch===
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While most companies try and invent new products to reach new markets, Apple boldly decides to just keep pumping out new variations of the same great taste.
   
== Law Suits ==
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===iPhone===
{{main|Pokemon}}
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The iPhone is the first customizable biscuit that adapts to the needs of customers based on the language they speak, the needs of their working/leisure life and their ability to process sugar through their pancreas. The iPhone is portable and can be taken anywhere, is durable and can be placed safely in any pocket and will stay intact, even if dropped from 10 meters. It contains more vitamins and minerals than the next two leading telecommunication snacks combined. The phone is not only able to play tunes which soothe an upset stomach but can also keep a users doctors contact information on hand and call him if they become constipated or turn diabetic.
A key part of the Apple culture is to sue anything/body/company that creates a product or service than in any way, shape, form or not at all resembles an Apple product. This includes suing McDonald's in 2002 for the manufacturing of a hardware component called the "Big Mac". Apple claims that: "Should this hardware be put into place into the consumer market, it is in direct competition with Apple, and therefore stole the name Mac to make the burger appear more shiny, allowing them to charge $2200 to suckers who love shiny things." Apple lost this court case.
 
   
Steve Jobs was once quoted as saying that "Apple aims to protect its brand at all costs, mostly to the dim-whitted consumer of our iCrap."
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===iPhone 4S===
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The iPhone 4S is the most complicated and exclusive portable device to reach humanity. It is the equivalent of drinking strawberry champagne while [[Wapanese|surrounded by anime girls]] in Heaven, all elegantly placed into an elegant frame. The 4S comes not only with several manuals and various tools to enhance the process, but also a "personal assistant" named Siri, who gives advice on which module of the 4S you should select based on its measurements of your pupils and the status of your eyesight. Siri's best quality is the ability to make your iPhone experience less complicated and more savoury, less rigmarole and more satisfaction.
   
In 2010, Apple sued rival phone manufacturer HTC for having an unlock feature on it's phones; an idea, Apple claims, that they thought of. They attempted to sue HTC for 622 bazzillion dollars, but lost, as the judge ruled that this was not a real number.
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Those who can afford the iPhone 4S are known to own even three of them, one in their office, one at home and one that their family doesn't even know about. Apple realizes that the iPhone 4S is a source of guilty pleasure and is the secret of the rich and famous. Obama has ten which he taps on when he pulls all-nighters in the oval office.
   
Later in 2010, Apple tried to sue an apple for stealing its name and logo.
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===iPhone 5===
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Originally released by Steve jobs in ''the Afterlife'', the iPhone 5 is fully packed with so many new innovations that it is not even considered hi-tec, but instead transcendent-tec. Its greatest feature is how its onscreen rendering makes apps appear like old analogue gadgets only in digital form. In this way, one can eat any synthetic desert while looking at an image of the real thing.
   
In a recent scandal in February of this year, Apple were accused by Alcoholics Anonymous of inciting hatred against cats on their official website. The spokespersons for AA were later found to be drunk, and the case was dismissed.
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===iPad===
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After the failure of the [[iPhone]], Steve Jobs felt the need to actually be creative for once and dreamed up the "iPad" it would be an electronic [[tampon]] of sorts that a woman could use to regulate her cycle, track her fertility, and even use as a mild birth control. In the end however, Jobs thought it would be more fruitful to make the iPad a "giant iPod" because study groups found the original to be too convenient.
   
In April of this year, Apple attempted to sue themselves over the design of the MacBook Pro. Now-CEO Tim Cook commented, "The MacBook Pro is direct competition for the MacBook Pro, and it is clear that the MacBook Pro has infringed Apple's patents." The case was dismissed before it went to court.
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Actually, the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a [[dishwasher]] hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2 however stated that finally a 'legitimate use for the iPad' had been discovered.
   
In August 2012 Apple successfully managed to sue Samsung for a billion dollars after convincing an iJury that it owned to rights to a newly invented shape tentatively named the iRectangle.
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===iCola===
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In November of 2011, Apple attempted to release their own brand of Cola. During its trial run Apple managed to sue [[Coca-Cola]], [[Pepsi]], [[Dr Pepper]], and 59 other soft drink groups. The trial period ended 2 weeks after the initial release.
   
After several dismissed lawsuits, in May of this year Apple decided to sue the responsible judges. It was reported that CEO Tim Cook was solely behind this decision, which was later confirmed by Tim Cook himself. He was later arrested by authorities and imprisoned for 3 weeks. The case was dismissed.
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===iDanish===
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The iDanish was a bold experiment and a new ways of thinking about an old product. How could Apple take a round tin of Danish cookies and make them richer, more efficient, and extra buttery? By compacting a cookies density and cutting them into courageously new shapes, Apple managed to achieve optimal tin space and caloric economy. When Steve Jobs first told the public about the iDanish, no one believed it could be done. No biscuit manufacture had ever managed to fit two kilos of condensed cookies into a small tin box let alone 200 tons of it. Apple achieved its goal in record time and brought brittle cookies into the modern era. Scandinavian desserts became "cool" and the industry never looked back.
   
== Confusion ==
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==Popularity==
[[File:AristotleG5.JPG|thumb|left|250px|The MacBook Pro G5, the secret to Plato's dizzying intellect.]]
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The fanbase of Apple is comprised mostly of [[Hipster|witty, humble, intelligent, soul-patch rocking, black sweater-wearing, latte-sipping, bearded college students in the 18–24 bracket]] who will buy an Apple product just because they ''know'' it's better than anything else on the market. No matter how poor you claim the graphics card or processor is, the most common argument that the Apple consumer will use against your claim is "The Mac is the best computer ever because the it's a Mac, and as we all know, you can't get viruses on a Mac. Suck it, Windows."
   
Not only has Apple been the subject of much controversy over the years, it has also caused much confusion. For starters, the most confounding part of Apple is Apple's undeserved success. Every day some brave soul dares to ask, ''"Why do I keep buying Apple products? They're shit and extremely overpriced, but I just keep buying! WHY?!"'' Apple's response is always some on the lines of, ''"<s>We own you.</s> It's because you're such a [[Idiots|valued consumer]] to us and know we'll keep providing you with [[Shit|excellent]] products for many years to come at the [[Bullshit Syndrome|most affordable pricing we can]]."''
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Every once in a while, some brave soul dares to ask: "Why do I keep buying Apple products? {{c|They're shit and extremely overpriced, but}} I just keep buying! WHY?!" Apple's response is always some along the lines of: "{{c|We own you.}} It's because you're such a [[Idiots|valued consumer]] to us, and know we'll keep providing you with [[Shit|excellent]] products for many years to come at the [[Bullshit|most affordable pricing we can]]."''
   
Another confusing decision made by Apple is the lack of [[Adobe Flash]] on their products. This seems to conflict with the goals of the majority of their consumers who visit Flash-based video sites to watch videos of other peoples dogs. In response to this, Apple says, ''"<s>Fuck Flash cause we don't own it.</s> We at Apple believe that Flash is antiquated and don't want to trouble our consumers with it."''
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Ultimately, Apple offers tasty delights needed by a niche yet technologically-savvy, intellectually gifted, and fashion-forward sector of the human experiment. As long as Apple maintains its cosmic experience of producing pretty good computers in a way that no one dare dreamed, at prices the upper middle class can afford, it will forever innovate and make its mark forever on hi-gourmet-tec and new-wave-patisseries. Who wouldn't feel special being touched by the magic rod of Apple?
   
And the most confusing of all Apple's decisions is the name. Being a complete and utter asshole, Steve Jobs claims to have coined the term ''"Apple"'' and even owns the copyright to the word. However, there are some who claim ''"Apple"'' is actually a type of fruit invented by [[Renaissance Man]] [[Johnny Appleseed]] and that one can buy a bag of apples from the grocery store. Some even claim people can grow their own apples in their own backyards (or front, if they want some commie who thinks the tree needs to ''"spread the delicious wealth"'' coming up and eating all their damn apples). Apple responded to these claims by saying, ''"<s>FUCK YOU FUCKERS! STEVE JOBS HAS THE REAL COPYRIGHT PAPERS, YOU CUNTFUCKS! YOU OWE US MONEY EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A BITE OF A [[Granny Smith|GRANNY SMITH]], BITCH! AND DON'T THINK WE WON'T SUE THAT OLD CUNT FOR VIOLATING OUR COPYRIGHT!</s> The creator of the term 'Apple' is most certainly Steve Jobs. We can not speak of ongoing litigation, but charges have been brought against those who have blatantly abused our company name or likeness. We always have the best interests of our consumers in mind. They are the ones who truly the ones who suffer when someone misuses our brand name. Oh, and we are releasing a new version of the iPod! It is infinitely better than the current one on the market because it's '''RAINBOW COLORED'''! We hope everyone buys one for their relatives, and even one for themselves. It is being released at the unbelievable price of $10000! [[Fuck you|This is our greatest deal yet!]]"''
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==Controversy==
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===Hypnotism===
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Windows users have accused Apple of putting hypnotic devices in their software that slowly turns users into "elitist douche nozzles". As we all know, this is bullshit. Rather than try to debunk these filthy lies, Steve Jobs simply smiled and put an ''"i"'' in front of his name to avoid any lawsuits brought against him.
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===Fruit Phone Disease===
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Along with the less common Blackberry, Apple's iPhone has contributed dramatically to the increase in "Fruit Phone Disease", a disease whereby consumers tell everyone they know—including friends who may have the same device—when they've bought one and subsequently can't put the damn thing down for more than five minutes.
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===Copyright infringement of Microsoft===
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[[File:Apple panic10.6 fake.png|thumb|240px|This version of ''[[Blue Screen of Death]]'' shows just how much Apple hates you.]]
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Apple has been known to <s>ripoff</s> take inspiration from [[Microsoft]], on the grounds that "we can do everything better." Their version of [[Microsoft Office]] doesn't have all of stupid features Big Mike's version has, such as the ability to edit [[math]]ematical equations. It instead provides a lot of really cool new features, like 3-D effects in [[PowerPoint]] that are used in multi-million dollar movies such as ''[[The Hunger Games]]''.
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Even Apple's version of the popular Microsoft game, ''[[Blue Screen of Death|BlueScreen&trade; Ultimate Edition - In 3-D]]'', is superior. All you have to do is sync your iDevice to win the game, unlike in the Windows version where you have to follow 353,654,746 steps to reboot your computer. Talk about usability!
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===No Flash===
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A controversial decision made by Apple is the lack of [[Adobe Flash]] in their products. This seems to conflict with the goals of their consumers, who visit Flash-based video sites like [[YouTube]] to watch videos of dogs doing wacky things. In response, Apple has stated: "<s>Fuck Flash cause we don't own it.</s> We believe Flash is antiquated and don't want to trouble our consumers with it."
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===Name===
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And the most confusing of all Apple's decisions is the name. Being a complete and utter genius, Steve Jobs claims to have coined the term ''"Apple"'' and even owns the copyright to the word. However, there are some who claim ''"Apple"'' is actually a type of fruit invented by [[Renaissance Man]] [[Johnny Appleseed]] and that one can buy a bag of apples from the grocery store. Some even claim people can grow their own apples in their own backyards (or front, if they want some commie who thinks the tree needs to "spread the delicious wealth" coming up and eating all their damn apples). Apple responded to these claims by saying:
  +
  +
{{Nicequote|The creator of the term 'Apple' is most certainly Steve Jobs. We can not speak of ongoing litigation, but charges have been brought against those who have blatantly abused our company name or likeness. We always have the best interests of our consumers in mind. They are the ones who truly the ones who suffer when someone misuses our brand name. Oh, and we are releasing a new version of the iPod! It is infinitely better than the current one on the market because it's '''RAINBOW COLORED'''! We hope everyone buys one for their relatives, and even one for themselves. It is being released at the unbelievable price of $10000! [[Fuck you|This is our greatest deal yet!]]"''|Apple|their name}}
  +
  +
==Lawsuits==
  +
A key part of the Apple culture is to sue anything/body/company that creates a product or service than in any way, shape, form, or not at all resembles an Apple product.
  +
  +
In 2002, they sued McDonald's for the manufacturing of a hardware component called the "[[Big Mac]]". Apple claims that: "Should this hardware be put into place into the consumer market, it is in direct competition with Apple, and therefore stole the name Mac to make the burger appear more shiny, allowing them to charge $2200 to suckers who love shiny things." Apple lost this court case.
  +
  +
In 2010, Apple sued rival phone manufacturer [[HTC]] for having an unlock feature on it's phones; an idea, Apple claims, that they thought of. They attempted to sue HTC for 622 bazzillion dollars, but lost, as the judge ruled that this was not a real number. Later in 2010, they tried to sue an apple for stealing its name and logo.
  +
  +
In February 2012, Apple were accused by [[Alcoholics Anonymous]] of inciting hatred against cats on their official website. The spokespersons for AA were later found to be drunk, and the case was dismissed.
  +
  +
In April 2012, Apple attempted to sue themselves over the design of the MacBook Pro. Now-CEO Tim Cook commented, "The MacBook Pro is direct competition for the MacBook Pro, and it is clear that the MacBook Pro has infringed Apple's patents." The case was dismissed before it went to court.
  +
  +
In August 2012, Apple successfully managed to sue [[Samsung]] for a billion dollars after convincing an iJury that it owned to rights to a newly invented shape tentatively named the iRectangle. Some commentators have reported that Apple appeared to have made a genuine mistake in this particular case - it is believed that the initial citation was to be against the use of iRectum (because Apple employees are so full of [[shit]]), but the work experience clerk in their legal office (who failed their Grade 5 English) incorrectly transcribed the legal citation. Nonetheless, Apple, being the cunts they are, continued with the law suit.
  +
  +
After several dismissed lawsuits, in May of this year Apple decided to sue the responsible judges. It was reported that CEO Tim Cook was solely behind this decision, which was later confirmed by Tim Cook himself. He was later arrested by authorities and imprisoned for 3 weeks. The case was dismissed.
  +
  +
==See also==
  +
* [[Microsoft]]
   
 
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Latest revision as of 00:43, August 8, 2015

This article is about the humble corporation. For the tasty snack, see Apple.
Apple-cookies

Complementary Apple-shaped cookies, free with any purchase of one of their products.

Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Apple Inc..

Apple Computer Inc. is not just a computer/portable device company, but at its inner core a philosophy. It's a philosophy of life, of living, of being alive, of stayin' alive, and of livin' la vida loca. It is a way of thinking and consuming overpriced monochrome technology that's designed with elegance.

Apple is known for their iMiracles regularly excreted by Great Leader Steve Jobs, such the Macintosh iMac, iPod, iPhone, iPad, and iHamster. In commonality with Buddhist thought, Apple, Jobs, and his workers are to be considered One, with shared consciousness and utter dedication to the Whole, from which new products emerge. All of Apple's products are guaranteed top-of-the-line and "double-plus good."

Apple's triumph in the global technology industry has been based on a clear ideology of innovation, and abiding to these slogans: "Think Different" and "It Just Werks". In due time, Apple soared through the market and survived the tech-wars of the '90s, defeating economist's expectations again and again. They are now stronger than ever, having emerged from the patent wars with Samsung.

edit History

edit 1984–91: Good Times

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Apple spends nearly a quarter of its annual revenue on advertising.

Apple was founded in 1984, when the Great Leader Steve Jobs received a vision of purity and infinite aesthetic, reputedly inspired by George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. His vision was of a collective society transformed and unified under the mysticism of minimilism and simplicity.

Jobs' first attempt at capturing this vision was the iSandwich, a specially microchipped tuna baguette that played music whilst in the stomach. He was quickly persuaded to discontinue the product after customers complained that the sewers were becoming "too musical".

As Jobs had no one to transcribe his vision into words, his second attempt was to create a computer out of the collective debris of drug paraphenalia and organic matter located on the floor of his mother's kitchen. Featuring voice-recognitition software, he could now dictate directly into the machine and thus make the machine—the Macintosh—the vehicle for his new philosophy.

The first ever Macintosh was released on January 24, 1984. It was Apple's first commercial success and profits went to creating their first subsidiary. While Apple wasn't the first company to sell a computer, they were the first to do so with flashy packaging and state-of-the-art branding and marketing.

edit 1991–97: Decline

By 1991, Jobs had been cast out in the cold and took to bitching and mailing faeces to former drug dealer, and now Apple CEO, John Sculley. Whilst lost in a three day prescription painkiller binge, Jobs decided to make a $10,000 dollar computer and found the company NeXT.

Apple prefers to forget these years.

edit 1997–2007: Comeback

Following six years of decline, Steve Jobs returned to Apple as CEO. After unfucking the company and making a fortune in their IPO, Jobs directed the company away from computers and into the competitive portable device market, against the sound advice of everyone around him. Those who stayed are now rich and those who left became depressed, overweight couch potatoes.

Jobs conceived the iPod, a portable music player with marginally better quality than that of a Walkman. He decided to make the damn thing incompatible with all computers other than Macs and to people to buy from his online music store iTunes, which previously was a free service dedicated to hosting the music stylings of Jobs.

edit 2007–11: World domination

Over the next half-decade, orchestrating from his ranch near Waco, Texas, Jobs created an ever-more diverse set of instruments, each embodying the spirit of Apple. Each successive device (iPhone 1, 2, 3, and 4Steve) allowed Apple greater and greater control over its followers. Finally, in 2011, the Singularity was reached, in which the entire Earth became part of the Whole.

edit 2011–present: Post-Jobs era

The Lord Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer in 2011. Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Cook and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve. iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser, and a string in his back that when pulled, made him say buzzwords like "amazing" and "cool". Still, iSteve could not cut and paste, which nearly blew his cover at a corporate arts-and-crafts function. This was corrected with the iSteve 2, but that died in a failed attempt to run two apps at the same time.

Tim Cook, too lazy to design an iSteve 3, simply became CEO himself. Cook's first act as CEO will be to reinstate "Apple's "fabulous" rainbow logo!" previously used from 1976-1998.

edit Products

By the power invested in Steve Jobs by the capitalist society of America, Apple makes tons of gadgets that have numerous uses. Unlike Microsoft, Apple doesn't condone the use of child labor for the construction of it's electronics. This is not because Steve Jobs is ethical; it's because, as Jobs says: "Children's fingers are too fat!"

This is why Our Lord and Savior Steve Jobs forces fetuses, with their small yet extraordinary nimble fingers, to make his products. Chinese fetuses. On average, the typical Chinese fetus can build twenty iPods during the second trimester. If any babies fail to meet this required minimum, the all-powerful Steve Jobs forces the mother to have a back-alley late-term abortion.

edit iMac

If the iPod is the soul of Apple, it's brain is the iMac (even though it is technically just a poncy computer). Just like a brain of a human, the iMac serves no real purpose because doing anything useful on it is overly complex. This is why it is only used by college drunks to edit pictures and videos of them partying and having sex in the shopping mall parking lot.

To increase the user base of the Macintosh, they renamed it iMac. This was an ingenious move which made Linux users hate Apple even more. Their hate only served to create the popular slogan, "iAmGladNoDirtyLinuxfagsUseThis!", which helped Apple convince everyone that the iMac was a good product.

edit Mac Mini

Overview hero1

The brand new Mac Mini with its own serial numbers to identify individual models from each other. It is difficult to find the on switch.

The not-so-long-ago release of the Mac Mini has encountered many problems, including memory loss and compression failure. Apple has recently fixed these problems and hope that they can continue to sell the Mac Mini after its shaky beginning. Even Bill Gates is recorded as saying "It's even better than the original. It makes me want to get back into the computer industry, and I would in a heartbeat...if I weren't so busy being retired and donating to charity."

edit Macbook Air

The Macbook Air was an incredible experiment in non-existent technical design and the minimalism. These computers were engineered to be as thin as air and dissolve in your hands the moment you picked them up. Apple could offer traditional recipes meeting hi-tech fantasy and an absolute minimum atom count.

The Macbook Air took ten years to produce and were sold out a year before they went on sale. Apple decided to discontinue the Macbook Air, though there are rumours of its reintroduction, as several enthusiastic customers have threatened suicide if the line is permanently discontinued.

edit iPod

Ipod3dmm

This ad campaign was also the brainchild of Steve Jobs. He's the only one at Apple who is allowed to have has ideas.

The iPod was Steve Jobs' brainchild: a mass multi-media storage device that revolutionized the music we listen to. Apple released a version of the iPod in 2006 that was manufactured with bramley apples, but was a flop due to them rotting and was discontinued one month after release.

edit iPod Shuffle

Apple realized that the iPod was great and all, but it needed to be more usable for blind people and more accessible to the poor, so they made the iPod Shuffle. Luckily, neither the poor nor the blind are smart enough to understand why it never plays the song they want it to. This allows those with iPod Touches or other MP3 players to laugh at the poor idiots, because they're special. Even Zune owners are better than the poor blind iPod Shuffle owners.

edit iPod Mini

After his first two worthless versions of the iPod, Steve Jobs then decided to make the iPod Mini, after receiving many complaints from all the elitist douche nozzles at the LGBT Brigade that the old model was, "too big", and it, "hurt their hands." Also they wanted it in poofter pink.

edit iPod Touch

While most companies try and invent new products to reach new markets, Apple boldly decides to just keep pumping out new variations of the same great taste.

edit iPhone

The iPhone is the first customizable biscuit that adapts to the needs of customers based on the language they speak, the needs of their working/leisure life and their ability to process sugar through their pancreas. The iPhone is portable and can be taken anywhere, is durable and can be placed safely in any pocket and will stay intact, even if dropped from 10 meters. It contains more vitamins and minerals than the next two leading telecommunication snacks combined. The phone is not only able to play tunes which soothe an upset stomach but can also keep a users doctors contact information on hand and call him if they become constipated or turn diabetic.

edit iPhone 4S

The iPhone 4S is the most complicated and exclusive portable device to reach humanity. It is the equivalent of drinking strawberry champagne while surrounded by anime girls in Heaven, all elegantly placed into an elegant frame. The 4S comes not only with several manuals and various tools to enhance the process, but also a "personal assistant" named Siri, who gives advice on which module of the 4S you should select based on its measurements of your pupils and the status of your eyesight. Siri's best quality is the ability to make your iPhone experience less complicated and more savoury, less rigmarole and more satisfaction.

Those who can afford the iPhone 4S are known to own even three of them, one in their office, one at home and one that their family doesn't even know about. Apple realizes that the iPhone 4S is a source of guilty pleasure and is the secret of the rich and famous. Obama has ten which he taps on when he pulls all-nighters in the oval office.

edit iPhone 5

Originally released by Steve jobs in the Afterlife, the iPhone 5 is fully packed with so many new innovations that it is not even considered hi-tec, but instead transcendent-tec. Its greatest feature is how its onscreen rendering makes apps appear like old analogue gadgets only in digital form. In this way, one can eat any synthetic desert while looking at an image of the real thing.

edit iPad

After the failure of the iPhone, Steve Jobs felt the need to actually be creative for once and dreamed up the "iPad" it would be an electronic tampon of sorts that a woman could use to regulate her cycle, track her fertility, and even use as a mild birth control. In the end however, Jobs thought it would be more fruitful to make the iPad a "giant iPod" because study groups found the original to be too convenient.

Actually, the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a dishwasher hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2 however stated that finally a 'legitimate use for the iPad' had been discovered.

edit iCola

In November of 2011, Apple attempted to release their own brand of Cola. During its trial run Apple managed to sue Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr Pepper, and 59 other soft drink groups. The trial period ended 2 weeks after the initial release.

edit iDanish

The iDanish was a bold experiment and a new ways of thinking about an old product. How could Apple take a round tin of Danish cookies and make them richer, more efficient, and extra buttery? By compacting a cookies density and cutting them into courageously new shapes, Apple managed to achieve optimal tin space and caloric economy. When Steve Jobs first told the public about the iDanish, no one believed it could be done. No biscuit manufacture had ever managed to fit two kilos of condensed cookies into a small tin box let alone 200 tons of it. Apple achieved its goal in record time and brought brittle cookies into the modern era. Scandinavian desserts became "cool" and the industry never looked back.

edit Popularity

The fanbase of Apple is comprised mostly of witty, humble, intelligent, soul-patch rocking, black sweater-wearing, latte-sipping, bearded college students in the 18–24 bracket who will buy an Apple product just because they know it's better than anything else on the market. No matter how poor you claim the graphics card or processor is, the most common argument that the Apple consumer will use against your claim is "The Mac is the best computer ever because the it's a Mac, and as we all know, you can't get viruses on a Mac. Suck it, Windows."

Every once in a while, some brave soul dares to ask: "Why do I keep buying Apple products? They're shit and extremely overpriced, but I just keep buying! WHY?!" Apple's response is always some along the lines of: "We own you. It's because you're such a valued consumer to us, and know we'll keep providing you with excellent products for many years to come at the most affordable pricing we can."

Ultimately, Apple offers tasty delights needed by a niche yet technologically-savvy, intellectually gifted, and fashion-forward sector of the human experiment. As long as Apple maintains its cosmic experience of producing pretty good computers in a way that no one dare dreamed, at prices the upper middle class can afford, it will forever innovate and make its mark forever on hi-gourmet-tec and new-wave-patisseries. Who wouldn't feel special being touched by the magic rod of Apple?

edit Controversy

edit Hypnotism

Windows users have accused Apple of putting hypnotic devices in their software that slowly turns users into "elitist douche nozzles". As we all know, this is bullshit. Rather than try to debunk these filthy lies, Steve Jobs simply smiled and put an "i" in front of his name to avoid any lawsuits brought against him.

edit Fruit Phone Disease

Along with the less common Blackberry, Apple's iPhone has contributed dramatically to the increase in "Fruit Phone Disease", a disease whereby consumers tell everyone they know—including friends who may have the same device—when they've bought one and subsequently can't put the damn thing down for more than five minutes.

edit Copyright infringement of Microsoft

Apple panic10.6 fake

This version of Blue Screen of Death shows just how much Apple hates you.

Apple has been known to ripoff take inspiration from Microsoft, on the grounds that "we can do everything better." Their version of Microsoft Office doesn't have all of stupid features Big Mike's version has, such as the ability to edit mathematical equations. It instead provides a lot of really cool new features, like 3-D effects in PowerPoint that are used in multi-million dollar movies such as The Hunger Games.

Even Apple's version of the popular Microsoft game, BlueScreen™ Ultimate Edition - In 3-D, is superior. All you have to do is sync your iDevice to win the game, unlike in the Windows version where you have to follow 353,654,746 steps to reboot your computer. Talk about usability!

edit No Flash

A controversial decision made by Apple is the lack of Adobe Flash in their products. This seems to conflict with the goals of their consumers, who visit Flash-based video sites like YouTube to watch videos of dogs doing wacky things. In response, Apple has stated: "Fuck Flash cause we don't own it. We believe Flash is antiquated and don't want to trouble our consumers with it."

edit Name

And the most confusing of all Apple's decisions is the name. Being a complete and utter genius, Steve Jobs claims to have coined the term "Apple" and even owns the copyright to the word. However, there are some who claim "Apple" is actually a type of fruit invented by Renaissance Man Johnny Appleseed and that one can buy a bag of apples from the grocery store. Some even claim people can grow their own apples in their own backyards (or front, if they want some commie who thinks the tree needs to "spread the delicious wealth" coming up and eating all their damn apples). Apple responded to these claims by saying:

The creator of the term 'Apple' is most certainly Steve Jobs. We can not speak of ongoing litigation, but charges have been brought against those who have blatantly abused our company name or likeness. We always have the best interests of our consumers in mind. They are the ones who truly the ones who suffer when someone misuses our brand name. Oh, and we are releasing a new version of the iPod! It is infinitely better than the current one on the market because it's RAINBOW COLORED! We hope everyone buys one for their relatives, and even one for themselves. It is being released at the unbelievable price of $10000! This is our greatest deal yet!"

~ Apple on their name

edit Lawsuits

A key part of the Apple culture is to sue anything/body/company that creates a product or service than in any way, shape, form, or not at all resembles an Apple product.

In 2002, they sued McDonald's for the manufacturing of a hardware component called the "Big Mac". Apple claims that: "Should this hardware be put into place into the consumer market, it is in direct competition with Apple, and therefore stole the name Mac to make the burger appear more shiny, allowing them to charge $2200 to suckers who love shiny things." Apple lost this court case.

In 2010, Apple sued rival phone manufacturer HTC for having an unlock feature on it's phones; an idea, Apple claims, that they thought of. They attempted to sue HTC for 622 bazzillion dollars, but lost, as the judge ruled that this was not a real number. Later in 2010, they tried to sue an apple for stealing its name and logo.

In February 2012, Apple were accused by Alcoholics Anonymous of inciting hatred against cats on their official website. The spokespersons for AA were later found to be drunk, and the case was dismissed.

In April 2012, Apple attempted to sue themselves over the design of the MacBook Pro. Now-CEO Tim Cook commented, "The MacBook Pro is direct competition for the MacBook Pro, and it is clear that the MacBook Pro has infringed Apple's patents." The case was dismissed before it went to court.

In August 2012, Apple successfully managed to sue Samsung for a billion dollars after convincing an iJury that it owned to rights to a newly invented shape tentatively named the iRectangle. Some commentators have reported that Apple appeared to have made a genuine mistake in this particular case - it is believed that the initial citation was to be against the use of iRectum (because Apple employees are so full of shit), but the work experience clerk in their legal office (who failed their Grade 5 English) incorrectly transcribed the legal citation. Nonetheless, Apple, being the cunts they are, continued with the law suit.

After several dismissed lawsuits, in May of this year Apple decided to sue the responsible judges. It was reported that CEO Tim Cook was solely behind this decision, which was later confirmed by Tim Cook himself. He was later arrested by authorities and imprisoned for 3 weeks. The case was dismissed.

edit See also

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