Apple Inc.

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Apple Incorporatedness: We Are One

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“The new iPad is out; I better drink my own piss!”

~ Bear Grylls on the new iPad

“Another thing you will spend on.”

~ Apple on the new iPad

Apple Incorporatedness (pronounced iFuckedyourmotheruptheass) is an evil cult banned in several countries including Botswana and Andorra, famed for the antisemetic views of its followers who are known to pontificate on the great iMiracles regularly excreted by its former Great Leader, Steve Jobs. The Great Leader is the 15th incarnation of a long line of dictators who have dared to think differently. In commonality with Buddhist thought, Apple, Steve Jobs, and his workers, are to be considered One, with shared consciousness and utter dedication to the Whole, from which new products emerge. The real Steve Jobs died of a fatal heroin overdose in 2004. Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Curry and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve (with funding from NORML, SAFER and Cannabis Culture, druggies who had a vested interest in covering up Steve Jobs' death, because they would rather die than admit they were wrong). Although the creator of Apple was a hugely influentual man, it is often found that he is mistaken with the Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, i.e Blow Jobs.

iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser in his ass (or so they thought), and a string in his back that when pulled, made him say buzz words like "amazing" and "cool". Still, iSteve could not cut and paste, which nearly blew his cover at a corporate arts-and-crafts function. This was corrected with the iSteve 2. iSteve 2 died in August 2011, in a failed attempt to run two apps at the same time. Steve Jobs was best friends with a guy named ren-ren. That was he's very cute niece.

Tim Curry, too lazy to design an iSteve 3, simply became CEO himself. He is now the CEO of Apple and the world's most powerful gay person, as reported by Out Magazine. In other words, Apple is now run by a fruit, the world's biggest fruit at that. Curry's first act as CEO will be to reinstate "that delightful rainbow logo!" from 1976-1998. Please note that when Curry talked about the new-old rainbow logo an artist on the spot said that by the descriptions it will end up looking like a giant, multi-cultural penis.

tits

edit The iSandwich

Steve Jobs' 1st product emerging from his depression was the iSandwich, a specially microchipped tuna baguette that played music whilst in the stomach. Eventually Steve was persuaded to discontinue the product after complaints about sewers becoming 'too musical'.

edit Ad Schemes

Apple makes a desperate attempt to reach out to all kinds of people, and gains at least two more users

At the release of the iPhone Apple sales hit a heavy decline. Their rivals, Microsoft, were also declining, but still were the top dogs when it came to sales. Steve Jobs found the answer to their decline in the Apple Advertising Dept. It seemed that the Apple ads, featuring gay turtles explaining the universe, were the ones responsible for Apples inevitable descend into the realms of bankruptcy.

edit Solution to the decline

The beginning of Apple's new Ad Campaign started with the iHeil poster, aimed at the worshipers of Hitler, otherwise known as Nazis. Although there wasn't an actual product called iHeil, Apple released a special game on the iPod, Jew-nocide, That featured in the iPods sold in and around Germany. (This later led to infamous NaziPod).

After the iHeil poster there was an inevtable spurt of outrage, mainly coming from people who hate racism and stereotypes. Although Steve Jobs, who is totally straight and "hates cock", went out and spoke publicly about how the new iHeil ad campaign wasn't meant to be taken serriously, and asked them to join him in a completely Kosher only banquet, to show how much he loved and supported everyone, the people who hate racism and stereotypes still continued to swarm.

In the end, it is said that steve Jobs himself sorted out the problem by commanding his army on sweatshop slaves to overpower the protesters, and then set about personally burning down their houses one by one, his method of putting a faulty Apple product near a turned-on stove earned him a brutal reputation that of a mob boss. It was later said that he could have been more efficient in the destroying of the house by throwing an Nokia at the ground, therefore creating an isolated earthquake around the house in question.

edit Products

iGrave: Steve Jobs already bought himself one. Apparently, he hid himself inside one and couldn't get out.

By the power invested in Steve Jobs by the greedy capitalist society of America, Apple makes shit tons of useless gadgets that people usually shove into their the genitalia. Unlike Hard Penis (founded by Bill Gates), Apple doesn't condone the use of child labor for the construction of it's electronics. This is not because Steve Jobs is ethical; it's because Steve Jobs says, "Children's fingers are too fat!" This is why the wise and totally not gay Steve Jobs forces fetuses, with their small yet extraordinary nimble fingers, to make his products. Chinese fetuses. On average, the typical Chinese fetus can build twenty iPods during the second trimester. If any babies fail to meet this required minimum, the all-powerful Steve Jobs forces the mother to have a back-alley late-term abortion.

Of course, he forces them to make other products as well.

edit iPod

The iPod was Steve Jobs' brainchild, a mass multi-media storage device that revolutionized the music we listen to. It plays music about the Holocaust and segregation.

edit iPod Shuffle

Apple realized that the iPod was great and all, but it needed to be more usable for blind people and more accessible to the poor, so they made the iPod Shuffle. Luckily, neither the poor nor the blind are smart enough to understand why it never plays the song they want it to. This allows those with iPod Touches or other MP3 players to laugh at the poor idiots, because their special. Even Zune owners are better than the poor blind iPod Shuffle owners.

edit iPod Mini

After his first two worthless versions of the iPod, Steve Jobs then decided to make the iPod Mini, after receiving many complaints from all the elitist douche nozzles that the old model was, "too big", and it, "hurt their hands." Also they wanted it in pink.

edit iPod Touch

This ad campaign was also the brainchild of Steve Jobs. He's the only one at Apple who is allowed to have has ideas.

When most companies would try and invent new products and reach new markets, Apple boldly decided to just keep pumping out new versions of the same crap.

edit iPhone

They added a phone to the iPod touch. That's it.

edit iPad

After the insuccess of the iPhone, Steve Jobs felt the need to actually be creative for once and dreamed up the "iPad" it would be an electronic tampon of sorts that a woman could use to regulate her cycle, track her fertility, and even use as a mild birth control. In the end however, Jobs thought it would be more fruitful to make the iPad a "giant iPod" because study groups found the original to be too convenient.

Actually, the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a dishwasher hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2 however stated that finally a 'legitimate use for the iPad' had been discovered.

edit The HumancentiPad

The greatest iInvention to ever be created. The HumancentiPad is composed of an Asian man with an iPhone stuck to his head, followed by Kyle of South Park, followed by some random slut with an iPad stuck to her ass. The three humans are connected ass to mouth (by way of connecting gastrointestinal sytems and not the popular sexual endeavour). This is what will happen to you if you don't read the apple terms of conditions.

edit The Mac

This background comes equipped on every iMac just to remind every iMac owner that they made a smart choice buying an iMac, even though they could have bought a functioning computer instead.

If the iPod is the soul of Apple, it's brain is The Mac (even though it is technically just a computer). Just like a brain of a human, The Mac serves no real purpose because doing anything useful on it is overly complex. This is why it is only used by douche nozzles to take pictures and videos of their dogs.

To increase the user base of The Mac, they renamed it iMac. This was an ingenious move which made Linux users hate Apple even more. Their hate only served to create the popular slogan, "iAmGladNoDirtyLinuxfagsUseThis!", which helped Apple convince everyone that the iMac was a good product.

edit Future Products

Tim Curry, The now CEO of Apple, hinted in a speech that Apple Incorporatedness is soon going to branch to other, more erotic buyers. The iDildo will "be a brand new start to the company," says an anonymous informer, said to be a colleague of Curry's, "Reaching out to a brand new type of buyer." Although it is not a completely official opening of the iDildo, a designer at Apple has assured that they do not intend to suck up to the buyers, but more just offer a new installment of Apple. With the "cumming of the iDildo" - A quote from a yet unreleased ad - Tim Curry proposes a new way of buying products. "Instead of asking for money on the spot," Curry says at an informal meeting, "We will be introducing a featured method of payment, only for the iDildo." The featured method of payment in speaking is such a one that allows the buyer to pay a certain amount of money "anally" for the iDildo.

edit Consumers

The fanbase of Apple Computers is comprised of a bunch of brain-dead, football humping monkeys that will buy an Apple product just because that is what everyone else is doing (commonly known as "iDiots"). No matter how poor you claim the graphics card or processor is, the most common argument that the Apple consumer will use against your claim is "The Mac is the best computer ever because it's a Mac!" Most attend or have attended The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting.

edit Controversy

Apple faced many controversies when they were accused of putting hypnotic suggestions in all of their software that slowly turns all of it's users into elitist, soul-patch rocking, black sweater wearing, latte drinking douche nozzles. Rather than trying to debunk these rumors, Steve Jobs simply smiled and put an "i" in front of his name to avoid any lawsuits brought against him.

Another controversy arose when Apple was reported as saying Fransisco Franco was their inspiration for making the iPhone. Rather than decreasing their sales, however, the gay motherfuckers decided that instead of making everything compatible with anyone's computers, they would only make it work if you had the iTesticle. This fucked everyone up and made everyone buy iMacs.

Along with the less common 'Blackberry', Apple's iPhone has contributed dramatically to the increase in 'Fruit Phone Disease' whereby consumers tell everyone they know - including friends who may have the same device - when they've bought one and subsequently can't put the fucking thing down for more than five minutes.

edit Copyright infringement of Microsoft

This version of Blue Screen of Death shows just how much Apple hates you.

Apple has been known to rip off Microsoft, on the grounds that "we can do everything better." But they don't. Their version of Microsoft Office doesn't have all of the features Big Mike's version has, such as the ability to edit mathematical equations. It just provides a lot of useless new features like 3-D effects in PowerPoint that are only used in multi-million dollar movies such as The Hunger Games. Even Apple's version of Microsoft's popular video game, BlueScreen™ Ultimate Edition - In 3-D, sucks. It just tells you to reboot your iDevice without giving you even one clue as to how to win the game! But you know, Apple's like that. Talk about usability! Vain fuckers.

edit Law Suits

Main article: Pokemon

A key part of the Apple culture is to sue anything/body/company that creates a product or service than in any way, shape, form or not at all resembles an Apple product. This includes suing McDonald's in 2002 for the manufacturing of a hardware component called the "Big Mac". Apple claims that: "Should this hardware be put into place into the consumer market, it is in direct competition with Apple, and therefore stole the name Mac to make the burger appear more shiny, allowing them to charge $2200 to suckers who love shiny things." Apple lost this court case.

Steve Jobs was once quoted as saying that "Apple aims to protect its brand at all costs, mostly to the dim-whitted consumer of our iCrap."

In 2010, Apple sued rival phone manufacturer HTC for having an unlock feature on it's phones; an idea, Apple claims, that they thought of. The attempted to sue HTC 622 bazzillion dollars, but lost, as the judge ruled that this was not a real number.

Later in 2010, Apple tried to sue an apple for stealing its name and logo.

edit Confusion

The MacBook Pro G5, the secret to Plato's dizzying intellect.

Not only has Apple been the subject of much controversy over the years, it has also caused much confusion. For starters, the most confounding part of Apple is Apple's undeserved success. Every day some brave soul dares to ask, "Why do I keep buying Apple products? They're shit and extremely overpriced, but I just keep buying! WHY?!" Apple's response is always some on the lines of, "We own you. It's because you're such a valued consumer to us and know we'll keep providing you with excellent products for many years to come at the most affordable pricing we can."

Another confusing decision made by Apple is the lack of Adobe Flash on their products. This seems to conflict with the goals of the majority of their consumers who visit Flash-based video sites to watch videos of other peoples dogs. In response to this, Apple says, "Fuck Flash cause we don't own it. We at Apple believe that Flash is antiquated and don't want to trouble our consumers with it."

And the most confusing of all Apple's decisions is the name. Being a complete and utter asshole, Steve Jobs claims to have coined the term "Apple" and even owns the copyright to the word. However, there are some who claim "Apple" is actually a type of fruit invented by Renaissance Man Johnny Appleseed and that one can buy a bag of apples from the grocery store. Some even claim people can grow their own apples in their own backyards (or front, if they want some commie who thinks the tree needs to "spread the delicious wealth" coming up and eating all their damn apples). Apple responded to these claims by saying, "FUCK YOU FUCKERS! STEVE JOBS HAS THE REAL COPYRIGHT PAPERS, YOU CUNTFUCKS! YOU OWE US MONEY EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A BITE OF A GRANNY SMITH, BITCH! AND DON'T THINK WE WON'T SUE THAT OLD CUNT FOR VIOLATING OUR COPYRIGHT! The creator of the term 'Apple' is most certainly Steve Jobs. We can not speak of ongoing litigation, but charges have been brought against those who have blatantly abused our company name or likeness. We always have the best interests of our consumers in mind. They are the ones who truly the ones who suffer when someone misuses our brand name. Oh, and we are releasing a new version of the iPod! It is infinitely better than the current one on the market because it's RAINBOW COLORED! We hope everyone buys one for their relatives, and even one for themselves. It is being released at the unbelievable price of $10000! This is our greatest deal yet!"

edit Ownage

In 2011, Apple Inc. joined the anti-Bush organization and attacked the Divided States. Unfortunately, before they can even reach it, Someone that risen from hell itself nuked them and their allies. Now Apple is forced to make tribute to That guy and cum all over his pants for life as well as giving him Magic Plants so that he can get high.

UnNews Senior Editors are currently inserting left-wing bias into this related article:

UnNews editors vote: 'We wanted an iPad 3'

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  Apple Product Range  

iPods:	iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod Slim - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter
iDevices:	iMac - iPad - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot - iCarly
iHardware:	iGraters - iSpell Key - MacBook - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone
iSoftware:	iTunes - iMovie - iLinux - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y
i3rd Party Mods:	iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - iTrip - iHack
iGaming:	iGrievous
iOthers:	Neuroipods - iFraud - iCult