Apocalypse
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- You may be looking for Kefka and not even know it!
“OFF THE MOTHERFUCKIN CHAIN MATHAFUCKA!”
~ God on The apocalypse
“In Soviet Russia, the world ends....well, it just ends.”
~ Russian Reversal (attempt) on the Apocalypse
“In Soviet Russia, the world ends you.”
~ Stalin says
Contents |
[edit] The Group
The members of the Apocalypse are known as Death - Michael Portillo War - George Bush's second cousin Freddie. Famine - Elvis Presley's dog, Scruff. Pestilence - Mr. T's half brother Lawrence.
'The Apocalypse Boiz', as they were known, were an early boy-band. After a live show they were politely boo'd off due to War (lead vocalist) tripping over his mic lead in the middle of a solo. This caused an enormous argument in the group (during which Atlantis was accidentally destroyed by War's broken amplifier) but eventually led to peace, and a compromise: Pestilence would be the frontman for a few millenia, and Famine would shut the fuck up and do what he was told.
[edit] Scheduled Events
This year's Apocalypse will be running on a more rigid schedule, as last year there wasn't enough time to complete all the allotted activities. Consumption of nachos and salsa took up much time and little was left for plague and turmoil. This year's time table is as follows:
- Tampa Bay Rays make it to World Series.
- North Korea launches there nukes.
- On our imaginations
- Obama colours his war plans using crayola wax crayons.
- President of Wal-Mart plans assassination attempt on Obama in an attempt to take over the world and create his own apocalypse.
- Gas and petroleum runs out and there can be no more fire attacks on earth.
- Rammstein throws one last raging metal party to satisfy sweaty, dirty, angry, and specifically apocalyptic metal-heads.
- Tom Cruise goes Emo.
- Uncyclopedia will stop being completely unfunny. (oh no it's started)
- The Y2K bug will strike and wipe out all computers.
- Lynbrook High School will actually become a good school. I doubt it though.
- The Microsoft text editor Microsoft Word will use its own autocorrect feature to change every instance of the word "the" to, "your mom's," Your mom's resulting chaos which ensues will cause your mom's entire world to become irritated with your mom's contributors to Uncyclopedia. This will result with your mom's resurrection of your mom's pets.com super bowl commercials—your mom's aforementioned contributors will have used this as your mom's best diversion ever devised by a widely dispersed group of people with little or no sense of humour.
- Michael McDonald complains of hearing "What A Fool Believes" play endlessly and repeatedly in his head. Devoid of hope, he impales himself on Skunk Baxter's Fender Guitar Neck. Last Words: "Yahweh Mo B There."
- Aliens (possibly FNORDians asking to borrow a cup of cracked corn) will invade, bringing with them the recently captured Bea Arthur of the Golden Girls, and she will come into power. Then, she and Sean Connery will make babies, 144,000 of them, right after Bea Arthur receives a sex change to become a woman. Together, they will rule Earth.
- Europe declares "The Final Countdown"; announces that they're headed for Venus... Venus...
- We will fulfill the prophecies in Matthew 24, Mark 13, Luke 21
- Watch the establishment of the new world order
- We will... we will... rock you.
- George Bush's IQ will Skyrocket to negative infinity.
- the letter A on every keyboard will disintegrate
- Julius Caesar will declare "All your base are belong to us!"
- We will play Spin the Bottle
- Duke Nukem Forever will be released.
- You are surprised and killed by a manticore! It quickly shreds your flesh and devours you!!!
- we'll have a refreshing diet soda
- We will fight world war
- We'll playfully hurl Satan and his Angels to walk the earth.
- Sephiroth will stab your face off free of charge, if he hasn't already—that is, so long as Sephiroth is not eaten by a grue before the free stabbing workshop commences. He will be at the table with the purple tablecloth and rainbow pinwheels. You can't miss it!
- There will be a BBQ
- People will die
- Twister...during the nuclear cold winter!
- Broly will reach the level of SSJ level 5 after an orgy with your mother, your sister and your aunt
- Jesus will do his 1000-year reign thing (He said something about giving us all a chance to learn to become righteous --might be cool.)
- Steven Hawking will achieve a back flip in his private space sector
- We may then head down to Mount Olives and destroy (your mom's) wicked (if it's open that late).
- It will start raining fish. (Yes, Good Omens was correct)
- You will have to face the gazebo, alone.
- There will be continuous playback of all of Michael Bolton's recordings.
- Martin Sheen will repeatedly hack at you until dead as you recite ominous poetry.
- The Great Dance-Off between Jews and Christians will begin. Many millions of people will perish.
- Wikipedia will take over Scotland and enslave thousands with the dreadful blue links.
- Skynet will adopt the voice of Microsoft Sam
- Captain Jack Sparrow will finally run out of rum.
- The Detroit Lions will win a game.
- Mr. C and Jimi Hendrix will fight an almighty guitar battle, which will cause the space-time continuum to collapse, and the Earth to crumble.
- People everywhere will kiss their ass goodbye.
- The LOWTDEBS shall be created, and the Ninja Vs Pirate debate can finally get settled. The Apocalypse will be a side effect of the ensuing awesomeness.
- A dog will appear in your fireplace at 10:00 at night with the name of: "Sirius Black".
- Futurama will come back from being canceled and start a new season.
- System of a down will have sex with each other.
- People will die (did I say that already)
- Mensas will cease to exist and will have became replaced with a bunch of stupid Paris Hilton clones. (The opposite of smart and sophisticated.)
- World of Warcraft will take over Runescape
- Your mom jokes will be replaced with: Your vagina jokes.
- People will die (yes, I did say that already)
- Cthulhu will rise and all will be leveled as the mighty Great Old Ones awaken! We will all be eaten! There is no hope! HA HA HA HA HA! Iä! Iä! CTHULHU FTAGHN! IN HIS HOURE AT R'LYEGH DEAD CTHULHU WAITS DREAMING!!!
- Brenda Shaw is on time to Chem Lecture
- The Cadbury Truck will fail to turn up while a year 11 chemistry class is in session.
- The Green Party will paint the nation green.
- Representatives from Microsoft, Apple and ClayPigeonSite will come and sue everyone and everything in sight.
- Churchy will stop being awesome!!!!!
- They will run out of cake
- Mr McDonough will play the ultimate gut-busting, face-melting guitar solo on a tungsten-plated, platinum-inlayed, titanium guitar with strings made from pure time-space energy and amplified by the large Hadron Collider!
- Steve Irwin will be resurrected, killing Osama in the process
- After the downfall of computers, mechanical pencils will rise.
- 4chan won't contain any porn.
- Rhode Island shall be changed to Pen Island
- World Of Warcraft will finally turn christian.
- Black metal will be sung by little girls.
- RedTube will serve as Hello Kitty advertising.
- Obama will be president. (holy shit!!!)
- Youtube poop will make sense.
- Gaia>WOW.
-
360>Wii.(360+Wii)² < PC - Chad Warden will speak the Queen's good English.
- Smoking weed will pinch back.
- Microsoft will actually' stop sucking
- ISO downloading will finally be stopped.
- Advice Dog will be a meme.
- Pedobear will be legal.
- Volkswagon Golfs and Cardboard Boxes will team up and kill 95% of the population and a Swingball will become President in the process.
- Ferrari conquers the world and effectively performing Fuck n lari activities.
- Paris Hilton will be named President of Mensa
- Meet the Spartans becomes a hit
- You will get laid.
- Someone will win $1,000,000 on Deal or No Deal
- The winner will spend all the cash on his new Youtube Poop.
- Super AIDS infects the world.
- There will be Cake
- Best Youtube poop ever frustrates cake.
- The Cake will lie
- Detroit Lions make it to Super Bowl.
- At the end of this tribulation, it will be revealed that the Apocalypse was nothing but an elaborate diversion engineered by Jesus in order to manipulate Solid Snake into infecting Satan's AI supercomputer network with a FoxDie computer virus.
.And the donuts will destroy us all! destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!(repeat until dead)
[edit] Dimmu
“MY DESCENT IS THE STORY OF EVERYMAN
I AM HATRED DARKNESS AND DESPAIR
MY DESCENT IS THE STORY OF EVERYMAN
I AM HATRED DARKNESS AND DESPAIR!!
”
~ Dimmu Borgir on Pornocalypse
[edit] Hollywood and Apocalyptica
Too late, Jesus, Mel Gibson bought the rights to the apocalypse!(that movie is crap btw)
[edit] Food
Let's face it, you're never going to get around to making that survival kit. Here's what to look for after it's too late.
- Whatever the new world order gives us
- Whatever the old world order left behind
- All those cans of Spam you bought because you needed the labels to buy the Spam 75th Anniversary Commemorative T-shirt
- The Spam 75th Anniversary Commemorative T-shirt
- Candles
- Suspiciously puffed-up cans in back of cabinet
- Cyborg bananas
- Biker Squirrels
- Fruitcake from 1989
- Number 10 can of cocktail onions
- Souvenir can of New Coke
- Each other (draw straws)
- The straws
- If theres nothing left, you might aswell eat yourself
[edit] How To Prevent the Apocalypse... MUY IMPORTANTE!!!
In order to prevent the slowly encroaching demise of humanity, we must all find favor with God, or his sons, whatshisname, Karl Marx and Bono. We must all battle cancer and give to the needy children. We must stop all wars with one another, and live peacefully, just as the bible, the koran, and Bob Barker have shown us. We should also stone our children to death if they do not observe the Black Sabbath, just as the bible has shown us. We also need to eat babies and old people... cause they suck you people are all gay!! Please visit N.W.A. while you wait, or just do what you normally do and wank off. We must make many many babies while we are at it.
Interestingly, one can also avoid apocalypse by NOT clicking this link: :( or this link: :O!!!
Trivia: Terrence McKenna, the novelist, philosopher, very heavy drug user/dealer and speculator of human evolution and its relationship to psilocybin mushrooms, believed the world would end in 2012 (in accordance with the Mayan Calender.[Only because they couldn't be screwed making more than 2012 years, Terrence McKenna is a retard]) This note will be revised in 2013 after it has been revealed McKenna's theory was incorrect (unless the world has ended.)
[edit] Who's responsible for stopping it
You, <insert name here>. This is entirely up to you. If you don't kill everyone on the above list, the apocalypse will happen. It will be entirely your fault.
Then again, we could use some kick-ass robot/Charizard hybrid to kill them
