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The Apache are one of many tribes of Native Americans who have a long history of having once lived where your local Wal-Mart is now constructed. Once considered 'primitive' by European settlers, Native Americans have a complex and sophisticated culture, as evidenced by Indian turquoise jewelry, weaving and textiles, folklore, songs, casino management and complex server-hosting algorithms.
edit Not just Apache Indians
(Long List coming up, be warned). There exists a wide variety of Native American tribes, but in respect to generalizations prevalent in the 17th, 18th, 19th, 51th, 20th, and 21st centuries, the term 'Indians' covers all the tribes not mentioned, like A'ane, Abenaki, Abnaki-Penobscot, Absaaloke, Achumawi, Acjachemen, Acoma, Agua Caliente, Ahahnelin, Ahe, Ahtna, Ainu, Ajachemem, Akainawa, Akimel O'odham, Akwa'ala, Alabama-Coushatta, Algonquians, Algonquin, Alcoholics, Aliklik, Alkansea, Alnobak, Alsea, Amalecite, Anishinaabe, Aniyunwiya, Antonia–o, Arseniooooooooo (woo woo woo), Apache, Apalachee, Applegate, Apsaaloke, Apwaruge, Arapaho, Arikara, Arkansas, Asakiwaki, Assiniboine, Atakapa, Atfalati, Atikamekw, Atsina, Atsugewi, Araucano, Atzinca, Ayisiyiniwok, Aztec, Babine, Bahwika, Bannock, Barbare–o, Basques, Bear River, Beaver, Bella Bella, Bella Coola, Beothuks, Bettol, Biloxi, Black Carib, Black Irish, Black people, Blackfoot, Blood Indians, Bode'wadmi, Cabanapo, Caddo, Cahita, Cahto, Cahuilla, Cajuns, Calapooya, Carolina Algonquian, Carquin, Carrier, Caska, Catawba, Cathlamet, Catlotlq, Cayuga, Cayuse, Celilo, Central Pomo, Chahta, Chalaque, Chan, Chappaquiddick, Chawchila, Chehalis, Chelan, Chemehuevi, Cheraw, Cheroenhaka, Cherokee, Cheyenne, Chickamaugan, Chickasaw, Chico, Chicano, Chia pet, Chilcotin, Chilula-Wilkut, Chileasn, Chimariko, Chinamen, Chink, Chiney, Chinook, Chinook Jargon, Chipewyan, Chippewa, Chitimacha, Chocheno, Chocolate people, Choctaw, Cholon, Chontal de Oaxaca, Chontal de Tabasco, Choynimni, Chukchansi, Chumash, Cinas, Clackamas, Clallam, Clatskanie, Clatsop, Cmique, Coastal Cree, Cochimi, Cochiti, Cocopa, Coeur d'Alene, Cofan, Columbia, Colville, Comanche, Comcaac, Comox, Conestoga, Coolies, Coos, Copper River Athabaskan, Coquille,Cora, Coso, Costanoan, Coushatta, Cowichan, Cowlitz, Cree, Creek, Croatan, Crow, Cruze–o, Cucupa, Cupeno, Dakelh, Dakota, Dakubetede, Dawson, Deer, Degexit'an, Delaware, Dena'ina, Dene, Dene Tha, Denmark (Danes), Diegueno, Dine, Djimaliko, Dogrib, Dohema, Duhlelap, Dumna, Dunne-za, Eastern Inland Cree, Eastern Airlines (extinct) - PanAm band, Eastern Pomo, Ecclemachs, Eel River Athabascan, Eenou, Eskimo, Esselen, Etchemin, Etnemitane, Euchee, Elks, Eudeve, Ewoks, Excelen, Eyak, Fernandeno, Flathead Salish, Fox, French Cree, Gabrielino, Gaigwu, Galice, Galicians, Garifuna, Gashowu, Generokee/Wannabee tribe/Pretendians, Gitxsan, Goltsan, Gosiute, Goths, Gros Ventre, Guarijio, Gulf, Gwich'in, Haida, Haisla, Halkomelem, Han, Hanesak, Hanis, Hare, Hatteras, Haudenosaunee, Havasupai, Hawaiian, Heiltsuk, Heil Hitler, Hebrew (PWND the Nazis), Heve, Hiaki, Hichiti, Hidatsa, Hinonoeino, Hippies, Hispanos, Hitchiti, Hocak, Hochelagan, Holikachuk, Holkomelem, Homos, Homalco, Hoopa, Hopi, Hopland Pomo, Hualapai, Huarijio, Huelel, Huichol, Huichun, Hupa, Huron, Hutyeyu, Hwech'in, Iain, Illini, Inca, Inese–o, Ingalik, Innoko, Innu, Inuktitut, Inuna-Ina, Iowa-Oto, Iroquois Confederacy, Israel(is)/(ites), Ishak, Isle–o, Isleta, Itza Maya, Iviatim, Iynu, James Bay Cree, Jemez, JEWS, Juaneno, Juichun Judaists, Jutes/Jytes, Kabinapek, Kahwan, Kainai, Kalapuya, Kanenavish, Kanien'kehaka, Kalispel, Kansa, Karkin, Karok, Kashaya, Kaska, Kaskaskia, Kathlamet, Kat people, Kato, Kaw, Kawaiisu, Kechan, Kenaitze, Keres, Kerry, Kennedy, Keltic Klans, Key (Lime) Pie, Kichai, Kickapoo, Kikima, Kiksht, Kiliwa, Kiowa, Kiowa Apache, Kitanemuk, Kitsai, Klahoose, Klallam, Klamath-Modoc, Klatskanie, Klatsop, Klickitat, Koasati, Kolchan, Konkow, Konomihu, Kootenai, Koso, Koyukon, Krab people, Kubans (Cuba), Kuitsh, Kulanapo, Kumeyaay/Kumiai, Kupa, Kusan, Kuskokwim, Kutchin, Kwaiailk, Kw'al, Kwakiutl, Kwalhioqua, Kwantlen, Kwapa, Kwedech, Kweedishchaaht, Kwikipa, Kwinault, Koreans, Laguna, Lakhota, Lakmiak, Lassik, Latkawa, Latinos, Laurentian, Lecesem, Lenape, Liberals (white hippies), Lilith Fair, Lillooet, Lipan Apache, Listiguj, Llaamen, Lnuk, Loucheux, Loup, Lower Chehalis, Lower Coquille, Lower Cowlitz, Lower Tanana, Lower Umpqua, Luckiamute, Luiseno, Lumbee, Lummi, Lushootseed, Lutuamian, Mahican, Maidu,Makah, Maliseet, Maliseet-Passamaquoddy, Mamaceqtaw, Mandan, Mangoac, Mapuche, Maricopa,Massachusett, Massasoit, Mattabesic Mattole, Maumee, Matlatzinca, Mayan, Mayo, Mengwe, Menominee, Mescalero-Chiricahua, Meskwaki, Metis Creole, Mexicans, Mestizos, Mewoks, Mewoc, Miami-Illinois, Miccosukee, Michif, Micmac, Miguele–o, Mikasuki, Mi'kmaq, Miluk, Mingo, Minsi, Minto, Miskito, Missouria, Mitchif, Miwok, Mixe, Mixed race, Mobilian Trade Jargon, Modoc, Mohave, Mohawk, Mohegan, Mohican, Mojave, Molale, Monache, Montagnais, Montauk, Moosehide, Mormons, Mud people, Mulattos, Multnomah, Munsee, Muskogee, Musqueam, Mutsun, Nabesna, Nabiltse, Nadot'en, Nahane, Nahuat, Nahuatl, Naklallam, Nakoda, Nambe, Nanticoke, Nantucket, Narragansett, Naskapi, Nass-Gitxsan, Natchez, Natick, Naugutuck, Navajo, Nawat, Nayhiyuwayin, Nde, Nee-me-poo, Negroes, Nehiyaw, Netela, Nevome, New Blackfoot, Newe, Nez Perce, Niantic, Nicola, Niitsipussin, Nimipu, Nippon, Nimuc, Nisenan, Nisei, Nisga'a, Nlaka'pamux, Nomlaki, Nooksack, Nootka, Nootsack, Northeastern Pomo, Northern Carrier, Northern Cheyenne, Nottoway, Nsilxin, Nuooah, Nutunutu, Nuxalk, Newfies, Nuxwstlayamutsen, Nxak'amxcin, Oaxaca Chontal, Obispe–o, Ocuiltec, Odawa, Ofo, Ogahpah, Ohlone, Ojibwa, Oji-Cree, Okanagan, Okies (Oklahomans), Okinawans, Okwanuchu, Old Blackfoot, Omaha-Ponca, Oneida, Onondaga, O'ob No'ok, O'odham, Opata, Orangemen, Osage, Otchipwe, Otoe, Ottawa, Pai, Paipai, Paiute, Palaihnihan, Palewyami, Palouse, Pamlico, Panamint, Peppermint or Spearmint, Panoan, Pantlatch, Papago-Pima, Pascua Yaqui, Passamaquoddy, Patuxet, Patwin, Paugussett, Paviotso, Pawnee, Peigan, Pend D'Oreille, Penobscot, Pentlatch, Peoria, Pequot, Peskotomuhkati, Picuris, Piegan, P(F)ilipinos, Pima, Pima Bajo, Pipil, Pit River, Plains Indian Sign Language, Plain people (Amish or Mennonites), Pojoaque, Pomo, Pony, Ponca, Poles/Polonia/Polish people, Poospatuck, Popoluca, Porcupine Indians, Potawatomi, Powhatan, Pueblo, Puerto Ricans, Puget Sound Salish, Puntlatch, Purisime–o, Putœn, Quail, Quapaw, Quebecois, Quechan, Quechua, Quilcene, Quileute, Quinault, Quinnipiac, Quiripi, Raramuri, Red Indians, Restigouche, Rumsen, Runasim, Saanich, Sac, Sacaton, Sacramento...Sacramento where you at?, Sahaptin, Salhulhtxw, Salinan, Salish, Samish, Sandia, Sanish, San Felipe, San Ildefonso, San Juan, Sanpoil, Santa Ana, Santa Clara, Santiam, Santo Domingo, Saponi, Sarcee, Sastean, Satsop, Savannah, Sauk, Saulteaux, Schaghticoke, Sechelt, Secwepemc, Sekani, Selkirk, Seminoles, Seneca, Seri, Serrano, Seshelt, Severn Ojibwe, Sextapay, Shanel, Shashishalhem, Shasta (Coca-Cola, Coke...No Pepsi! No Cocaine. No Crack.), Shawnee, Shinnecock, Shoshone, Shuar, Shuswap, Sierra Chontal, Siksika, Similkameen, Sinkiuse, Sinkyone, Sioux, Siuslaw, Skagit, Skicin, S'Klallam, Skokomish, Skraeling, Skwamish, Sky-God, Slavic people, Slavey, Sliammon, Sm'algyax, Snichim, Snohomish, Songish, Sooke, Souriquois, Southeastern Pomo, Southern Paiute, Spokane, Squaq, Squash, Squamish, Sqwxwu7mish, Stadaconan, St'at'imcets, Stl'pulimuhkl, Stockbridge, Sto:lo, Stoney, Straits Salish, Suquamish, Sulateluk, Susquehannock, Suwal, Swampy Cree, Swinomish, Tabasco Chontal, Tachi, Tahltan, Tagish,Tahcully, Taino, Takelma, Takla, Taltushtuntede, Tamyen, Tanacross, Tanaina, Tanana, Tano, Taos, Taoists, Laos, Tarahumara, Tataviam, Tauira, Teguima, Tehachapi, Ten'a, Tenino, Tepehuan, Tequistlateco, Tesuque,Tetawken, Tete-de-Boule, Tewa, Thompson, Tigua, Tillamook, Timbisha, Timucua, Tinde, Tinneh, Tiwa, Tijuana, Tjekan, Tlahuica, Tlatskanie, Tlatsop, Tlicho, Tlingit, Tohono O'odham, Tolowa, Tongva, Tonkawa, Tonka toys, Tyco, Towa, Tsalagi, Tsattine, Tsekani, Tsetsehestahese, Tsetsaut, Tsilhqot'in, Tsimshian, Tsinuk, TsinukWawa, Tsitsistas, Tsooke, Tsoyaha, Tsuu T'ina, Tualatin, Tubar, Tubatulabal, Tukudh, Tulalip, Tules, Turks, Tools, TŸmpisa, Tunica, Tupi, Tuscarora, Tuskegee, Tutchone, Tutelo, Tututni, Tuwa'duxqucid, Tuwa'duqutsid, Twana, Twatwa, Twin Rivers Casino Resort, Uchi, Ukiah, Ukomnom, Umatilla, Unami, Unkechaug, Varijio, Venture–o, Virginian Algonkin,Wabanaki, Wailaki, Wailatpu, Walapai, Walla Walla, Waluulapam, Wampano, Wampanoag, Wanapam, Wanki, Wappinger, Wappo, Warijio, Warm Springs, Wasco-Wishram, Washo, Watiru, Wazhazhe, We the people, Wea, Wee, Weeaboo, Wii, Wenatchi, Wendat, Weott, Western Pomo, Whilkut, White Clay People, Whoopie, Wichita, Wichita Falls, Witches, Wiccans, Wikchamni, Wilewakiute, Willapa, Winnebago, Wintu, Wishram, Witsuwit'en, Wiyot, Wobanaki, Wolastoqewi, Wookie, Wops (Dagos, Guinees and Italians or Sicilians), Wyandot, Wynoochie,Yakama, Yakima, Yaquina, Yavapai, Yawelmani, Yaqui, Yinka Dene, Ynese–o,Yocot'an, Yokaya, Yokuts, Yoncalla, Youths, Yowlumni, Ysle–o, Ysleta del Sur, Yucatec Maya, Yuchi, Yuma,Yurok, Zapotec, Zia, Zimshian, Zoque, Zuni; and lemme add Native Hawaiians, the Hindus and Indians and Pakis; and all which both represent unique tribes in North America and trademarked names for future General Motors SUVs.
edit Stolen Thunder
Despite their historical acumen at managing servers, invoking spirit animals, and alternate names for corn, people native to India have taken this reputation and convinced companies to outsource their IT services. However, American Indians have grown tired of providing support for Windows and have moved into providing gaming services, especially targeted at making money off of rich IT pros from India.
The United States can thank the Indians for such easy-to-spell state names as Mississippi, Tennessee, and Utah. Also the territories that used the names, the sky, the ground, and all the other things that used to be theirs. The temporary reversion of power in 1886 prevented settlers from moving natives 'further west', which at this point would have been the Pacific ocean.
They also developed the first known jokes about 'pitching a tent'. Much of their accumulated knowledge was lost in the great fire of 1842, which historians concur was 'not so great'. Vocal histories preserved much, however, which is why today we can enjoy such technologies as the waffle iron.
Again, there was specific achievements specific to the Apache tribe, but distinction has been lost over the generations, especially in the 1970s when 'Cherokee Nation' was a top-ten single.
edit Modern Day
Apache Indians enjoy the status of being designated 'first residents', with profit-sharing of resources found on their lands before white people figured out what they had. They also provide gaming services, moccasins, and have an extensive distribution of server software essential to the upkeep of the internets. The Apache are also accredited for designing the Apache Longbow assault helicopter, which they used in their wars against the Americans, but lost because they didn't have fuel.
edit Apaches: Death by cow manure
This is an extremely well regarded British documentary filmed by a local British primary school on the way of life of the Apache Indians. Six children from St Gein’s played the roles of the cowboys and Indians primary while the film was directed by Sam Peckinpaw of Straw Dogs fame. In the documentary the children enact various battles of Geronimo's campaign, even using actual lines from the events such as "Oooooh right men," "what about Michael and me we’re still dressed as Indians", and of course "Aw right guvenr, dat rotter Geronimo nicked me chips!" They also say "You Dick!" as we all know slang for men's nut sacks is prime materiel for primary school education.
While acclaimed by most critics for it's authenticity, a small minority attacked the film on the grounds of anachronism stemming from scenes where the Apache warriors are run over by tractors, die from drinking rat poison, are crushed to death by the lightest metal bars in the history of the world, drive tractors of cliffs and drown in big piles of cow shit. Details of the filming are limited as all the actors mysteriously died in accidents bearing an uncanny resemblance to the one-screen death scenes. The only details known are that Peckinpaw drove a huge rubbish van stuffed full off £100 notes up to the local police station right before the filming of said death scenes.
The film was released in schools to strong acclaim, though a small minority of parents and teachers felt exposing children to graphic levels of blood, crushing, prolonged scenes of distress, misery, grief, horror and gratuitous swearing may have been slightly inappropriate. However these criticisms have been denounced by Doctor Mai Rail who announced, "Not only are critics of this film all a bunch of Gypo harbouring Packies but are at the very root of the downfall of human civilisation!" While some have pointed out Dr Rail only has a degree in acronyms she went on to criticise her rivals or their prudishness in her latest book The Dark Knight, Knife Crime and other working class conspiracies. While not due for release until next year extracts are availble in her books Homo Sexual: The Pink and fluffy menace and Asylum Seekers, Scum of the Earth or Satan's little Helpers?
edit Famous Apachians
- Geronimo (1829-1909) was a fearsome fighter, statistician, and inventor, who developed methodologies to jump out of airplanes, nearly a century before they were invented. His troops conquered America in 1886, leading to a brief period of cooperation, conservation, and pitching of tents until 1892, when Grover Cleveland was elected chief of tribes and moved the capitol back to Washington, D.C.
- Cochise (1812-1874) led the first organized uprising against white settlers in 1861, leading then-president Abraham Lincoln to declare the natives 'enemy combatants', and locked them up without constitutional rights, which some historian argue was better than being shot dead.
- Big Bank (1956-present) led the Sugarhill gang of Apaches to victory over Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre. They used their mad ryming skills to knock Snoop and Dre back to 1973 Hoboken, New Jersey A.K.A. the worst place in the universe.
Apache also made the song Cotton Eye Joe. ..While the Sugar Hill Gang made the song Apache.
edit Appearance / Physical Characteristics
Apaches are coffee brown in complexion and have black hair tied up in a ponytail because they are gay shits. They are typically short fucks.