Antoninus Pius
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“..His eyes shone like stars reflected in a ditch ”
~ Marquis De Sade on Antoninus Pius
Antoninus Pius (Full name: Togaborus Tedius Antoninus 'Pius' ) holds the record for being one of the most boring Roman Emperors ever to take a top office[1]. Though he got plently of praise from Edward Gibbon and others - Pius was the dullest of the dull.
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[edit] Origins
Born in a chariot shelter in 86AD , Antoninus Pius came from a long line of Roman senators who gained the reputation for mind numbing mediocrity. Unlike so many of their contemporaries - none of them had come to a sticky end during the reigns of emperors like Caligula, Nero or Domitian. They were 'Pius by name and Pious By nature ' according to the inveterate wall scribbler Juvenile. So perhaps it is not surprising that until he became emperor - Antoninus had got into a number of importantly dull jobs in the Roman Empire without anyone really noticing.
[edit] Magical Tony's Box of Crap
Antoninus's dismal lifestyle in the Imperial bureaucracy where he was put in charge of the chariot double parking fines . This sinecure was good for his Roman bank balance but hadn't gained Antoninus a wife. Dreary the family may be but Antoninus still had to do the dynastic duty and make sure he could father another generation of pious dullards. He needed a wife so Antoninus joined the famous 'Sorcery School of Simon Magus'[2] in Rome to learn all the tricks of the trade. Antoninus managed to pick up a few iffy routines like producing a live rabbit from out under his toga and sawing a slave in half - though he needed a few slave market rejects to get this part of the act right.
Going out into the world as 'Magical Tony - Man of Mystery and Rabbits' the future emperor claimed to be a mind reader and persuaded the rather severe looking Faustina that she was planning to marry him. Well this hoary old trick worked and Magical Tony now had a wife. They soon found they had a lot in common - the two of them together became known as Mr and Mrs 'Yawn' on the senatorial dinner couch circuit . The happy couple also liked to play games of Latin Whist, Etruscan Dead Dog and Happy Ancient World Families to occupy them at nights. By then Antoninus had given up his party tricks and had boiled the last of his rabbits to 'finish off the old stock'.
[edit] Rising Without Trace
Emperor Hadrian had in the meantime announced plans to retire from the job of Roman Emperor in 38AD. However - as is often the way - his chosen successor (and adopted son as was the habit then) Aelius 'Ailing' Verus suddenly popped his Roman sandals and left the job of adopted imperial heir vacant . Looking for someone who wasn't a dangerous homicidal maniac (the Imperial C.V. had been changed since Nero in attempt to weed out candidates like that) - Hadrian hit upon Antoninus as a 'safe pair of hands'. Astonished at his promotion - Antoninus now went to bed at 10.00pm every night instead of 9.00pm and had an extra cup of hot cocoa in bed as well.
A few days later whilst painting his bicycle clips - Antoninus got the message that Hadrian had died in a hairdressing accident. 'Ex-Magical Tony' was now the new Emperor !
[edit] Just Say No to Orgies
The new Imperial couple arrived at the Palatine Palace to take over and were soon doing a lot of UnRoman things like - not have the usual Saturday Night Debauchery Dance or turning down invitations to go to Wife Swapping Themed Parties. Antoninus and Faustina instead preferred to have a few friends round for card games or 'imperial charades'. Though some of the pagan religious conservatives celebrated this return to old fashioned values - others at the the more depraved end of Roman society were really disappointed by the Emperor. There was even a retrospective fondness for Caligula and Nero who though they had become killer sex maniacs were still at least known for adding colour to the historical narrative.
[edit] You Really Are The Picts !
Luckily for those few Roman historians who bothered to stay awake during this 'Age of Grey' - a few plucky barbarians were happy to cause trouble and keep the Roman army from thinking about all turning up in the capital for a game of Imperial Musical Chairs.
The main culprits were a rebranded - and re-tattooed - bunch of celts who went by the name of The Picts . Laughing at the inadequate Hadrian's Wall which was meant to keep out the 'painted ones' - their habit of going south for a wild night in Newcastle was causing a lot of resentment. Even more terrifying was their party trick of throwing a live haggis into a Tyneside taverna and then dropping their kilts to reveal a ginger and spotty backside.
Reports of this behavior led to Antoninus to send his legions north again to push away the pissed Picts and erect a new wall in the middle of what is now Scotland to keep the tattooed ones away. So a new wall was built out of anything the Romans could fine lying around : empty beer bottles, Loch Ness Monster, discarded shopping trolleys and broken down furniture and called it 'The Antonine Wall'.It was surprisingly effective until the Picts slept off their last hangover and threw down 'Tony's Trash Barrier' a few years later.
[edit] Dad - My boyfriend looks just like You !
It wasn't all cocoa and cards for Antoninus Pius. His wife Faustina lasted only a couple of years before she died of a heart attack in a game of Roman Whispers. This meant the emperor's daughter Faustina Junior had to look after the imperial household and to make sure her father bathed at least once a day. She was helped in task by her adopted brothers Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Verus 'The Haircut'. She liked men with beards - and both young Romans soon threw away their shaving kits and let their respective facial hairs free to colonise their imperial profiles . However Faustina decided that she liked Marcus's combination of beard and brains better than Lucius who seemed to her to prefer looking in a mirror all day and saying 'I Look Good Enough To Eat'.
[edit] Is He Still There ??
And so this dullest of dull reigns continued. Everyone was happy except the slaves, Picts and of course - the Christians . The latter really wanted to be persecuted like mad again as they were sure it was good for the salvation business but Antoninus Pius seems to have just ignored them.
[edit] Wake Me Up When He's Dead
Besides being a bore around Rome - Antoninus spent some money on repairing buildings and temples to keep the Gods happy but otherwise he still preferred playing solitaire in the imperial bedroom. By now the party invitations had long dried up and instead he was obliged to have long discussions about the future of Rome with Marcus and Lucius - and the best way to comb your beard.
[edit] The End
Antoninus appears to have died suddenly . According to some writers (ok..one writer) the emperor was found dead dangling naked over his old magician's box set . This would suggest either the old bore was a closet pervert or that he had been murdered. However other Roman historians dismiss this story as another one of 'Juvenile's Little Japes' and they say the Emperor died from drowning whilst snoring in the bath.
[edit] Legacy
Antoninus Pius proved a point that you could be Very Very Dull in Rome and still succeed. However the old boy must have had some idea how to do it - none of his successors who would later aspire to tedium would last very long.
[edit] Footnotes
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Hadrian | Roman Emperor 138AD-161AD | Succeeded by: Marcus Aurelius |
| Roman Emperors | |
| Julius Caesar - Augustus - Tiberius - Caligula - Claudius - Nero - Galba - Otho - Vitellius - Vespasian - Titus - Domitian - Nerva - Trajan - Hadrian - Antoninus Pius - Marcus Aurelius - Commodus - Pertinax - Didius Julianus - Septimius Severus - Caracalla - Macrinus - Elagabalus - Severus Alexander - Maximinus Thrax - Gordian ... - Constantine - Constantius II - Julian the Apostate - Jovian - ... - Constantine V | ||
