Anton Volchenkov

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~ Every other player in the NHL
“His presence will cause you to have a failure of self.”
~ Jim Varney


Anton Smiling, the one time
Position: Defence
Team: New Jersey Devils
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 226
Shoots: You (Left)
Shots Blocked: Infinity (1918-2007)

Anton Alyeksyeyeveech Volchenkov, also known as the A-Train or "Russian Bear", is the greatest, most manly example of human excellence in the history of ever. Born on planet kick-ass, he came to Russia to run those damn capitalist snakes out of Moscow. He later picked up the game of hockey, and turned pro immediately.

He currently plays defense for the New Jersey Devils of the NHL, since butt-fucking the Ottawa Senators as a free agent. He is also the best player alive. Wayne Gretzky was quoted saying, regarding Volchenkov being labeled the greatest player of all time, "Yep, I agree".


Bending over for Anton.

edit Early Life

Born not from this world, he came by boat to free Russia of Capitalist snakes. He succeeded flawlessly (snakes got nothin' on him) and decided to be one of those guys from 300. He later found out he was too bad-ass for ancient Greece, so he quit to take his twenty four pack elsewhere. After bitterly rejecting the Spartans, he picked up hockey to get chicks. At first Anton played goaltender, but realized shortly that he preferred stopping pucks without padding. He became a professional defenseman 40 minutes later. At the draft, the Ottawa Senators, looking for a player with balls, drafted Volchenkov, and the rest is history. As a child, he beat his mother and father, which was hard on him emotionally. He then turned four and developed into the emotionless beast he is today. He's the best

edit Game Play

Anton is primarily known to block shots and have the capability to snap a player's sternum in two with a body check. Volchenkov purposely doesn't score because he accidentally murdered a goalie with a slapshot once. During the 2006-2007 playoffs, he effectively curtailed the play of Art-Ross Trophy winner Sidney Crosby. Despite Anton's attempts to be gentle, Crosby's foot shattered out of sheer fear when he was informed of who the Penguins would be facing in the first round. Volchenkov is now patiently waiting to win the Stanley Cup before he reveals his true identity as God. He does not take shit from anyone. Ever.


Volchenkov's prey attempting to escape.

edit Other Facts

It is speculated that World Wars III and IV will occur when Volchenkov and Chuck Norris fight. Volchenkov has smiled once, and it was an accident. As part of a foreign pay-per-view event, Volchenkov fought a great white shark, but lost narrowly. Just kidding, he ruined the shark's shit. However, Anton does not like jokes, because jokes create happiness, and happiness is for the weak. He does not speak English, English speaks Anton, poorly. During his stay in Ottawa Volchenkov enjoyed a short military career. He was unfortunately forced to quit when he realized that peacekeeping mission didn't allow him to keep the pieces.

edit Body

His body composition, as provided by Dr. Phil, is 74.88% tank, 27.29% awesome, and 13.91% Dolph Lundgren. Mathematicians were originally baffled by these statistics - adding up to more than 100% - but had to concede that as the true inventor of addition Anton could do what he liked.

His 24 wives grate cheese on his abs and usually add it to their meals, though sometimes they throw it out because they are not worthy to eat anything that has touched him. Any sort of collision with this man will result in death or coma, due to the fact that his internal organs are made of pure steel. This is widely accepted as the reason of his emotionlessness.

Corpses strewn across the ice are a regular feature of the A-Train's play.

edit Future

Karl Marx, head of the Russian Hockey Federation, has named Volchenkov team Russia's captain for the 2012 Sochi Olympics, but since this world alone cannot contain his powers, he may simply be named captain of team Universe. He considered having a child to continue his legacy of awesomeness but then remembered he is immortal.

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