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Stfx flag Antigonowhere
Flag Map
Capital St. Andrews
Official language(s) Drunken Gaelic
Government Scottish Overseas Territory
‑ Monarch King Randy DeLorey II
‑ Governor Laurie Boucher
‑ President Ken MacDonald
‑ Prime Minister Ray Mattie
Currency Anything that'll get you high
Ethnic groups 50% MacDonald, 25% Chisholm, 25% Other
Drives on The back

Antigonish, alternatively Antigonowhere or The 'Nish, is a vast area surrounding the sprawling metropolis of Antigonish City. Antigonish is located in the unstable region between the two warring nations of Nova Scotia and Cape Breton.

Antigonish was first discovered by You're-a-peein's by Scottish fisherman Saint Francis Xavier in the late Cretaceous Period. He claimed the land for Scotland, caught a few fish, and sailed back home. No voyages were made to Antigonish again for a very long time and the Scottish government soon forgot about it until the Frenglish re-discovered it in the 1600s.

Today, Antigonish is known for having the busiest NSLC in Nova Scotia (considering NSLC is only in Nova Scotia, it is the busiest in the world), having lots to do, very sober people, and some school that gives out rings.

edit History

On April 19th, 1601, Italian pizza chef, Mario Whiddenio, crash landed into Mt. Cameron in his private jet, creating a lagoon and giving the area the name Antigonish Landing. Mario's pizza shop in Italy wasn't doing so well so he and his family flew to America, the land of opportunity, but got caught in a freak snow storm in the Bermuda Triangle and ended up crash landing in modern day Antigonish. Whiddenio and his family were rescued by the natives. The native people of Antigonish were always at constant war with the Gonish tribe who inhabited a place called Gonland in Cape Breton near In-gonish. The people who rescued Mario and his family hated the Gonish so much they considered themselves the anti-Gonish, thus Whiddenio named the land "Antigonish". To show his gratitude to the natives, Whiddenio made them all pizza. The natives absolutely LOVED it and kept ordering more. Mario's pizza became so popular that he opened his own pizza shop which later became known as the Wheel. The natives loved his pizza so much that they used to camp out behind the Wagon Wheel (today shortened to the "Wheel") waiting for it to open the next day, this area came to be known as Whidden's Campgrounds.

King Louis of France had been hearing about this tremendous pizza over in L'Acadie and wanted to try it for himself, so he sent his brothers, Hughie and Dewie to go and bring back the recipe. They brought it back and the king loved it! This sparked large scale immigrations from France who mostly settled in places like Pomquet and Tracadie.

Meanwhile, the king of Scotland was tired of haggis and wanted something really good to eat so he sent a fleet of battleships to capture Antigonish from the French for it's pizza resources. Once the fleet arrived, they announced their arrival with the sound of pipes. The French, who had never heard anything as loud in their life, ran away to Africa, Haiti, and New Orleans. The Acadians came back later after their ears were fixed only to find Antigonish under Scottish control as it is to this day.

Unfortunately, the original recipe for Wheel pizza has been lost over generations and can only be found in top-security French Government files.

The later owners had to find a new recipe that was just as good so they tried just adding a whole wack of cheese to it. The native chief tried it and hated it so he cast an ancient Mi'kmaw curse on it so that only half of the people loved the pizza. Today there are two kinds of Antigonishers, those who love The Wheel and those who hate it, this eventually led to the Antigonish Civil War in 1969.

edit World War II

Antigonish played a major role in the Second World War that started when Darth Hitler sent a submarine fleet to Antigonish Harbour to attack the city. Luckily, a young boy by the name of Tommy happened to be out for a run that night and spotted the subs. He ran as fast as he could to warn the mayor. Antigonish was ready when the fleet arrived. As soon as the submarines surfaced, they were shot down by missile launchers at the top of Nicholson Tower. That night Antigonish formally declared war on Germany.

The Antigonese Army single-handedly freed the Netherlands from the Nazis in 1943 so the queen sent a number of Dutch dairy farmers over to produce cheese for the Wheel Pizza as a thank you gift. Antigonish took part in D-Day along with the other Allied forces.

edit Politics

The current ruling party of Antigonish is the Antigonish Communist Party (ACP). They were elected into power in March, 1785 and have made it pretty much impossible to vote for any other party since. Other parties include: the Antigonish Birthday Party (ABP), The Dr. J.H. Gillis Regional Grad Party, the Antigonish New Years Day Party (ANYDP), and June 3rd.

Executive Authority in Antigonish is vested in the monarch of Scotland and exercised on behalf of the Governor at Goodlife Fitness. The Governor is appointed by the government of Scotland. The current governor is Mdm. Laurie Boucher.

Antigonish is allies of both the Democratic People's Republic of Nova Scotia and the Kingdom of Cape Breton, which can be difficult at times because of the constant wars and conflicts between the two.

Antigonish has a seat in the United Nations and maintains embassies in most capital cities including Washington D.C., London, Edinburgh, Halifax, Sydney, and Pyongyang.

edit Economy


Walmart followed the Antigonish "Supercentre" with stores on even more outlagonish planets.

Antigonish's economy mainly relies on the tourism industry due to its ideal tropical climate. It also takes part in the underground slave trade with Alberta which it shares with the rest of the Maritimes.

Every chain business that has ever opened in the solar system has a store or restaurant, or building that can be found in Antigonish, making it also the biggest shopping centre on Earth. Antigonish Mall has recently topped South China Mall as the biggest and best mall on the planet.

Notable businesses include:

-Peace by Chocolate: a Republican's worst nightmare, the business was started by Syrian refugees and has recently become so successful that it has surpassed even Hershey's.

-Tim Hortons: All 3 of them.

-Downtown Convenient Place to Buy Bongs

-Five to a Dollar: And by dollar they mean more than a dollar.

-Capito- I mean Empi- I mean Cineplex: The only theatre in Antigonish with literally one room.

-Shopper's Drug Deals and Scooter Kid hangout: AKA Driver Ed's parking lot.

-The Tall and Small Art Teachers Club

-Gabrieau's: Some cheap greasy fast food joint.

-The Baker- I mean X-Burge- I mean Panizza

-Central Popcorn Dispenser

-Antigonish Mall: Makes West Edmonton look like a convenience store.

-The Wheel (aka Heaven)

-McDonald's: Usually avoided by locals between the hours of 2-7 due to middle-schooler infestations.

-Piper's Pub: Almost as culturally important to Antigonish as The Wheel

-NSLC: The busiest one of them all.

edit Education

edit St.Fx

STFXU may refer to "Saint Francis Xavier University" or "Shut That Friggin' Xylophone Up". The former is named after the first European to discover Antigonish, Scottish fisherman St. Francis Xavier who arrived in present day Antigonish in the late Cretaceous Period. St. Fx is the largest and top university in the world, with professors from all over the galaxy, teaching courses that range from Knitting and Grass Watching to Jedi Training and Defense Against the Dark Arts.

St. Fx is the headquarters of the X-men, and its graduates are presented with the legendary X-Ring, the most famous and renowned ring in the universe. The ring holds great powers including knowledge, invisibility, and super strength and cannot be destroyed even when cast into Mt. Doom.

St. Fx started out as a strict Buddhist preschool but eventually evolved into the prestigious university it is today.

edit Schools

Schools in Antigonish fall under the jurisdiction of the Gay Regional School Board and are managed jointly with those in Girlsborough, Poormond, and Outverness counties. They include the AEC (Australian East Current), SAJS, and Wanda's World (Dr.J) in the city. In the surrounding area there is Pomket A Ka Di Ya Xuexiao, which operates entirely in Chinese, and East Antigonish Educational Facility for Juvenile Delinquency.

edit Demographics


A view of Antigonish City with Mt. Sugarloaf in the background.

Antigonish is the largest city in Canada and is home to over 1 billion inhabitants. About 10 million more people live in rural communities outside the city limits. Perhaps the poorest area of the city is Mt. Cameron, which is located right next to the hospital because of impoverished conditions.

Antigonish's largest ethnic groups include Carboys, Farmboys, MacDonalds, Chisholms, and Soupies from St.FX.

edit Religion

Most Antigonishers claim to be "Christian" but also has a growing number of Animeists, Whovians, and Shrekists.

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