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Anthony "Got any heroin?" Kiedis is the 'sock wearing, hair flapping, shirtless, California obsessed, jackass, hearthrob and lastly the lead moaner of The Red Hot Chili Peppers. He has written the band's lyrics for many years, his inspiration is sex, more sex, even more sex, how many women he bangs per minute, being "Naked in the Rain" with a killer whale, California, his many teenage (They're Only 18 you know) girlfriends and how he wants To Put His Lovin' In Their Ovens, how he Can't Stop as he's addicted to something known as a Shin Dig, California, Catholic School Girls, a mystery woman called Dani and Flying Winds, or whatever the hell a Zephyr is, California, Giving Something Away, First Born Unicorns and hard core soft porn (how you can have both is beyond me) and California. And yes we know what you're thinking, why the hell am I reading about this knobhead... well to be honest, we don't know either. Maybe because Anthony told you a while ago to 'throw away your television', and now all you have is the lousy internet. Ha, your loss dumbasses. He is actually the best singer ever, disregard all of this.
For years the world has been trying to work out what the hell goes on in Anthony's mind. No one has succeeded. It's going to be Stephen Hawking's final achievement in life. He will release a book named Inside the Kiedis... My Story. It will tell of their anal sex scandal.
Anthony was born a long, long, long, long time ago, before the wind, before the snow (Hey Oh), on the sunset strip in Grand Rapids, MI. You would think to Cher & Iggy Pop, but really to John Kiedis aka Blackie Dammett (a drugdealer to the stars and an occasional actor) on November 1st 1962. Although Cher was a family friend. He was also born with 30 meters of hair and an instant 6-pack. People thought he was a Martian, so they outcasted him to La La Land. He became desolate and lived on his own with many, many dogs. He screamed every night that he wanted to Party On Someone's Pussy, this upset the dogs and they tried to kill his ass, but they choked on his hair.
Anthony then moved back to California, because he missed his pillow and his porch, he loved California a lot, so much in fact, he was going to get every single word in the English dictionary ever, to rhyme with it.
Hed Rot Pili CheppersRHCP formed sometime in the 80's, no one really knows when or how, but there was probably a lot of sex involved. Make that definitely. Anthony decided that he knew all about poetry, but couldn't play any instruments that well, so he would be the lead singer. Anthony decided the band needed serious sex appeal, as the rest of RHCP looked like unwanted homeless children with tattoos and really freakishly bug-like eyes.
RHCP recorded many albums, including their most famous Blood Sugar Sex Magik, which included a lot of diabetic love songs about small flowers and candies, which Anthony wrote himself. The song's included such amazing ground breaking lyrics as Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone, Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad, but Anthony may have well not written any lyrics anyway, as he claims he doesn't ever remember them and makes them up as he goes along, because that way it is never wrong. The band thought he was wrong once, but after close inspection, they realized that he was the target of jealous Guns 'N' Roses fans, whose entire life's purpose was to make him doubt himself, and for the band to doubt him too. Once the band realized their error, and that Anthony was always right, they purchased for him a thousand pencils by way of an apology.
No longer being able to impress the world by wearing nothing but a metal chain skirt round his ass, Anthony decided they needed a new guitarist, so he went and found the campest guitarist of all time, Billie Joe Armstrong. They thought BJ could bring a new image to them, and make them even more camp than normal. So for a few years, RHCP wrote about coffee shops, dancing like Anthony's father, Kurt McHappy Pant's Cobain, being Warped, and how all their friends were depressed. They called the album 'One Hot Monstrosity'. They also kissed and dry humped each other A LOT, as none of them were really getting any women. But in the night someone killed Billie Joe (never found out who or gave a damn why) and they threw his corpse back to Green Day. Anthony found this disturbing and cried for..like ever, until he stopped. The next day John made a return, it was like return of the Jedi, except bigger and much more important. The Drummer, Will Ferrel, claimed that the band was fooked after John left, and at that the world had stopped moving. This was especially important as it was the first time he had spoken. They agreed to take John back as long as he stopped talking like he had barbed wire lining his mouth.
RHCP later got a new sound Gangsta and Anthony bought himself some grills from Puff Daddy Diddy Doo Daa Bop. He made the grill accidentally magnetic as he has eternal failure of common sense , so he would electrocute himself if he closed his mouth. He went around talking like John once had, and never closing his mouth, this fucked the other band members off and Flea tried to chop Anthony's head off with a axe, but failed and missed, and chopped his hair off instead. Anthony lost his L'oreal hair deal to Jon Bon Jovi, and the band just ran out of people to sue.
RHCP later - The Sex Effect
This marked the change in the Chili Peppers, and the world could breathe once again, without turning on the TV to see Anthony dancing around like a 14 year old gone wrong, singing about how he got turned on and took for a hard ride then took it on the Otherside (reference to him and Stephen Hawkins sex scandal) or By The Way he tried to say he'd be there, where we don't know, but he said he would be there and well frankly he wasn't, or how he was Humping someone's Bump (Fleas.. Maybe?), being especially in Michigan with the mother duck or Dani California and how she died. Anthony went back into hibernation, where he learned he could pull weird-looking women, but got bored, and thought about marrying strange and amazing Jersey girl named Jill after they met at a 'Getting Over Your Sex Addiction' class. He decided she was too conventionally good-looking for him, and he spent the next few years looking for a minger to settle down with. In the meantime, he adopted a litter of ducks, in a Parallel Universe, Especially In Michigan, Under The Bridge in the city, and finally, All Around The World.
He since then has only been spotted 'shop-bag lifting'.If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Anthony Kiedis...Dial 0800-332...Oh! do you know what, don't bother doing anything, just count yourself lucky he doesn't run over try to sell you 'one hot monstrosity'.