Antbortion

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Ant head closeup
(Click click click munch)

“Ants are God's way of saying don't have babies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Antbortion

A technique of abortion infamous for the controversy it elicits, antbortion originated among the Navajo Indians in the mid- to late 14th Century, when Europeans were dealing with the bubonic plague and didn't have time to develop interesting abortion techniques involving insects. The desert climate and lack of sophisticated abortive materials such as clothes hangers were perfect conditions for antbortion to thrive, and up until the white man's arrival, it was the preeminent method of abortion used by the Navajo.

Performing an Antbortion

Antdoctor
"Now, Mrs. Davis, I am legally obligated to tell you that this will hurt, a lot, but you're already strapped down so there's really no point in struggling. I'll just let my lovelies do their job and I'll check back in about two hours. Have fun!"

Antbortion is a procedure that is highly difficult to perform, but is highly rewarding physically, mentally, and spiritually. Theoretically, an antbortion requires only ants and an enquiring mind. However, there are several tools and apparatuses that can be used to enhance the experience for all parties. In his best-selling book, "Antbortion for Fun and Profit," Navajo chief Munching Papoose describes several different levels of difficulty for performing an antbortion.

The levels of antbortion are as follows:

  • Easy - Level 3 - The Tickler
  • Medium - Level 2 - The Exploder
  • Hard - Level 1 - The 9/11
  • Expert - Level 0 - The "true" antbortion

SAFETY NOTE: Rookie antbortionists should not attempt anything above Level 3 (the tickler).

The Tickler

You will need:

  1. A pregnant woman / man
  2. Honey / Sugar Water
  3. A straw / hosepipe
  4. Duct tape
  5. Funnel / A lot of time
  6. An ant colony (generally 2 individuals for each pound of the subjects weight, so a 130lb woman requires 260 ants, etc.) (Metric conversions can be found here.)

How: Firstly, strap down your pregnant subject. If they are a willing participant (unlikely), they may try to reassure you that they need no restraining as they can take the pain. They are wrong. Strap them down tight. Next, suck up some sugar water using the hose or straw, and blow it into the subject's baby-hole. After that, either insert the funnel into the end of the hose and pour the ant colony in, or manually place the ants into the tube (requiring a lot of time). Enjoy.

History: The Tickler is the most common type of antbortion. When antbortion spread beyond the Navajo people to Americans, the Americans rebranded the Navajo version of antbortion into their own, less-hardcore method. However, The Tickler is the easiest to perform, with the least amount of danger to the antbortionist and ants. The Tickler often acts as a sort of "gateway drug" to more difficult and complicated antbortions. Antbortion clinics almost always use The Tickler for their services, though other methods may be used from time to time.

The Exploder

You will need everything from The Tickler, with the addition of:

  1. Chloroform
  2. 70 grams of nitroglycerin
  3. A rainproof poncho or similar covering
  4. A pack of cigarettes

How: Initially, chloroform the subject. This one they definitely won't agree to. Next, continue with The Tickler, until the ants are in the funnel. At this point, dab a dot of nitroglycerin onto each ant's back, then insert as before. When the subject comes to, they should still be groggy. Offer them a cigarette and before they light up, run.

History: Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, was also an antbortionist by hobby. In 1884, he developed and patented The Exploder. He presented it at the World Chemist Conference in Switzerland to several of his colleagues; performing The Exploder on his wife, whom he had knocked up for the occasion, on a raised platform in the center of the conference room. The applause afterward was thunderous, to say the least. Inspired chemists began using The Exploder for all their antbortions, and the method eventually made its way into the mainstream.

The 9/11

9-11 method
As seen here, one does not always need to perform the procedure in a populated area such as New York City. Isolated locales make for better postcards and lower chances of police involvement.

You will require everything from the exploder, minus the nitroglycerin and poncho and with the addition of:

  1. Amphetamine or Methamphetamine (Speed, Crystal Meth, etc.)
  2. A plane (747 preferably)

How: Perform the exploder, however instead of daubing the ants with nitroglycerin use the amphetamine to whip them into a frenzy. Then, as the subject comes to, fly the plane into her/him. Jumping out at the last second is optional, but not recommended.

History: Surprisingly, this method was developed in 1972, but it wasn't widely used until after the September 11th attacks. Fatality rates have always been markedly higher with this level than any other, but one probably shouldn't worry his patient with such information.

The "True" Antbortion

You will need:

  1. A pregnant woman / man
  2. Ants
  3. A lot of time

How: The human brain gives off electrical emissions, therefore theoretically it is possible to use these electrical emissions to alter the things around you. As an ant's brain is tiny, you can alter your own brain emissions to overcome its tiny brain and control it. This principal is essential to the 'true' antbortion and is only taught by the Navajo.

This is the most simple method of antbortion in principle, but the hardest in practice. First, take over one ant's mind. Repeat until all ants are under your control. Then climb inside the subject and eat fetus. Make sure the ants do it, not you, otherwise your stickiness is guaranteed.


History: This is the oldest known form of antbortion to exist, and the most spiritually cleansing. The Navajo discovered the secret of mind control in 1328, but attempts to apply it to anything larger than ants were unsuccessful. Notable failures were attempts to control birds, deer, mountain lions, one's girlfriend, pill bugs, fish, other people's girlfriends, bagels, and rocks. Finally, in 1329, a Navajo medicine man held control over an ant's mind. Or at least he thought so; he said go right and it went right. It would be years before using mind-controlled ants to abort unwanted pregnancies would be developed. It took a rash of pregnancies to prompt the procedure. The current Navajo medicine man, Raging Pants, who may have been responsible for the pregnancies, used his mind to control several ants to perform the first ever and first "true" antbortion. Since then, antbortion was the exclusive privilege of the Navajo medicine men, until whites discovered them.

Controversy

From the beginning, antbortion has attracted controversy like doorbells attract Mormons. Numerous attempts from all sides have been made to make antbortions illegal. Currently, antbortion is illegal in all of the 50 states except for Massachusetts and for some reason, Arizona. In Europe, antbortion is legal, but it must be consensual among all parties and the antbortionist must be licensed. These rules, of course, do not apply in Amsterdam's red light district.

Attacks from the Right

Antbortion march
"Stop the madness! Ban antbortion! Save our babies!"

Naturally, antbortion has drawn criticism from conservatives and religious organizations. American settlers, upon discovering antbortion, were equal parts horrified and fascinated. A Protestant minister who witnessed the procedure on a Navajo reservation returned to the Eastern United States condemning antbortion in his sermons. The most famous of these sermons, given in Boston, described antbortion as "the moste vile Sin to exist on God's green Earth. Surely the Devil doth roam where ever Antbortion is practised."[1] However, instead of preventing the spread of antbortion, the minister's sermons had the unintended effect of introducing it to Americans and popularizing it, especially in Boston. The practice soon came to Europe, where it spread like wildfire.

However, antbortion's popularity in America was short lived. This was most likely due to the massive religious campaign against it in the late 1800s, although many historians point to the difficulty of collecting and controlling enough ants to entirely eat the fetus as the most probable cause.[2] Antbortion was made illegal in conservative states quicker than any other social issue to date, even gay marriage. Now, antbortion is slowly regaining popularity in the U.S. with the decline of conservatism. President Obama has not yet released a statement on his position on antbortion.

In Europe, antbortion likewise came under fire from religious groups. The Pope outlawed it for Catholics in 1873, but it didn't really keep antbortion from being practiced by Catholics, much like contraception. Throughout its existence in Europe, antbortion has maintained a steady following, especially in Germany.

Attacks from the Left

Surprisingly enough, antbortion has drawn some criticism from the political left. Recently, the American Civil Liberties Union denounced the procedure and called for a Constitutional amendment outlawing it for the whole nation. In the New York Times, the ACLU explained its condemnation.
Antbortion march
"Ants are people too!"
"Antbortion is always very risky. During the course of a typical antbortion, several ants are accidentally killed in a variety of ways, ranging from sticking to the uterus wall until dying of starvation to becoming so bloated from its meal that the ant literally explodes. Antbortion is inhumane, sadistic, and cruel to the thousands of ants used in antbortions each year, and as such we in the ACLU are calling for its banning."



Conservatives face a difficult situation: unite with the ACLU to pursue an amendment, or keep their dignity and go on without the large numbers the ACLU would provide.

Other Types of Antbortions

Antbortions are not the only abortive methods to use creeping things. The next most popular are spiderbortions, which utilize any kind of arachnid to do the ants' job. Tarantulas are especially popular. As you can imagine, spiderbortions take much less time than antbortions. Scorpionbortions were attempted briefly in the 1980s, but the danger of collecting enough scorpions to perform one has turned a scorpionbortion into something for only the hardcore. Caterpillarbortions are becoming more popular despite the extremely long amount of time it takes to perform one, but caterpillarbortionists claim that "you haven't lived until you've seen close to a hundred butterflies zooming out of your patient and into the morning sky. It's extremely gratifying."

Mexican free tailed bats
Quite an image, isn't it?

See Also

Footnotes

  1. However, the minister's speech ends with this: "Notwithstanding, it is an engrossing Sight that ought to be witnessed by all."
  2. And as everyone knows, nobody wants a half-eaten fetus on his hands. Either do it right or don't do it at all.
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