Antbortion

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“(Click click click munch)”
~ Ant on eating babies

“Ants are God's way of saying don't have babies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on being an Antbortionist

“Aahahahahahaha! Boomtown! Fluffsticks! Cuttlerate!”
~ The Marquis de Sade on how he discovered the art

Antbortion is a technique of abortion which, theoretically, requires only ants and an enquiring mind. Pioneered by the Marquis de Sade, research and techniques were furthered by Oscar Wilde, who discovered that while it IS possible to perform a simple (or 'true') antbortion using only ants, there are many other items which can be used to enhance the experience for all parties. This article describes are descriptions of several types of antbortion for you to enjoy at home. The types of antbortion are layered by level, depending on difficulty.

Levels

The levels of antbortion are as follows:

  • Easy - Level 3 - The Tickler
  • Medium - Level 2 - The Exploder
  • Hard - Level 1 - The 9/11
  • Expert - Level 0 - The 'true' antbortion

Rookie antbortionists should not attempt anything above Level 3 (the tickler).

NOTE: The 'true' antbortion has only been successfully completed twice, once by the Marquis de Sade, and once accidentally by Oscar Wilde on a 10 week kitten huffing binge.

The Tickler

You will need:

  1. A pregnant woman/man
  2. Honey/Sugar Water
  3. A straw/hosepipe
  4. Duct tape
  5. Funnel/A lot of time
  6. An ant colony (generally a 2 individuals for each lb of the subjects weight, so a 130lb woman requires 260 ants, etc)

How: Firstly, strap down your pregnant subject. If they are a willing participant (unlikely), they may try to reassure you that they need no restraining as they can take the pain. They are wrong. Strap them down tight. Next, suck up some sugar water using the hose or straw, and blow it into their baby-hole. Next, either insert the funnel into the end of the hose and pour the ant colony in, or manually place the ants into the tube (requiring a lot of time). Enjoy.

The Exploder

You will need everything from the tickler, with the addition of:

  1. Chloroform
  2. 70 grams of nitroglycerin
  3. A rainproof poncho or similar
  4. A packet of cigarettes

How: Initially, chloroform the subject. This one they definitely WON'T agree to. Next, continue with the tickler, until the ants are in the funnel. At this point, dab a dot of nitroglycerin onto each ants back, then insert as before. When the subject comes to, they should still be groggy. Offer them a cigarette and before they light up, run.

The 9/11

Once again, you will require everything from the exploder, minus the nitroglycerin and with the addition of:

  1. Amphetamine or Methamphetamine (Speed, Crystal Meth, etc.)
  2. A plane (747 preferably)

Perform the exploder, however instead of daubing the ants with nitroglycerin use amphetamine to whip them into a frenzy. Then, as the subject comes to, fly a plane into them.

The 'True' Antbortion

You will need:

  1. A pregnant woman/man
  2. Ants
  3. A lot of time

NOTE: The human brain gives off electrical emissions, therefore theoretically it is possible to use these electrical emissions to alter the things around you. As an ants brain is tiny, you can alter your own brain emissions to overcome its tiny brain and control it. This principal is essential to the 'true' antbortion.

This is the most simple method of antbortion in principle, but the hardest in practice. First, take over one ants mind. Repeat until all ants are under your control. Then climb inside the subject and eat fetus. Make the ants do it, not you, otherwise stickiness is guaranteed.

Summary

There you have it. The beginners guide to antbortion. So, what are you waiting for? As Oscar Wilde says: "Let's kill babies with ants!"

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