António de Oliveira Salazar
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
António de Oliveira Salazar, sometimes called The Greatest Portuguese, usually referred to in America as whatever the hell that guy's name was, was the principle of a preschool in Portugal (as António II) from 1932 to 1968. He was also Sultan of several other unpronounceable countries that nobody in America cares about. He was the founder of the "New Preschool", the right-wing authoritarian regime that ruled over a preschool in Portugal from 1933 to 1974.
edit Early Life
Although little is known from his background, he is believed to have been his own father (he liked to insist that he was a "self-made man"). This theory is unconfirmed, however. He attended a preschool in Portugal that was, at the time, called "The Preschool in Portugal". By the age of four, he had built his first automatic rifle, and shot his first Liberal the next day. The two of them had been playing in a sandbox, making a town. Young Salazar built several hospitals next to each other, but the young liberal smashed them and said, "Nope, our town has socialized medicine." Salazar promptly shot him, then cleverly disguised his body as a piece of playground equipment. After this, he started assassinating his opponents in the preschool, people who disagreed with him on such crucial issues as recess length, which brand of finger paint they should use, and whether two male kids had the right to sleep near each other during nap time.
edit Rise to Power
After reading Machiavelli's The Prince, Salazar decided he wanted to be the next ruler of the preschool. He began by locking one of the teachers inside the gerbil cage and taking over their position. He kept this position until he was twelve, when a group of restless 5 year old students banded together and revolted against the principal, who had angered them by serving low fat chocolate chip cookies one day in class. Salazar quickly took over as principal, but quickly declared himself king. It was during this period that Salazar ventured the song writing phase, he made copy for the first version of "I wanna fuck you in the ass" later popularized by the Outhere Brothers. He dedicated it to Cardinal Cerejeira, his proeminent butt buddy.
edit "Estado Novo"
His first measure as King of Portugal Preschool was to ban finger painting, which "conflicted the interests of the School". The only paintings allowed were of either him, or Lesbians. Afterwards, he tried to make some money out of World War II, by selling animal crackers to a preschool in Nazi Germany.
Salazar's regime was dictatorial, similarly to the modern regime of Engelbert Dollfuss in Austria Junior High. Salazar dismantled the school's playground to make room for several desks, on which he made each student write a daily essay about how awesome Salazar was. He allowed a brief nap time, but only under the condition that students dreamed about his regime. He died in 1968 after fatally stubbing his toe.
Later on, in His afterlife, he sent living beings around Matosinhos (Black hole near Oporto) an email claiming his last wish, that being the creation of a nightclub by the name of "Estado Novo", so that He could be remembered.