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Anonymous (Charlie Kisdacuzquter) (b.1094–d.1332)
Quite possibly the best-known writer in the Universe, Anonymous has written over 43,904,529 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word. Although his works are well-known amongst the entire world's population, most do not know about him.
The Early Years
Anonymous was born Charlie Uther Kisdacuzquter on November 13, 1094, in Bollocks, England. At an early age, his mother, Fran Kisdacuzquter, enrolled him into the School For Young Chavs to learn to read and write. His teacher, William Shakespeare (best known for his play, "Rent"), taught him not only to write, but also to form both coherent and incoherent works of literature. It was then that Charlie decided to start his career.
After a short stint writing as Charlie Kisdacuzquter at the Daily Plague News (May 10, 1116 - May 12, 1116), his editor advised him to change his name to a more pronounceable pseudonym. It was then, that Charlie Kisdacuzquter became Anonymous. The greatest writer who ever lived.
After working at the Daily Plague News for a few short years, Anonymous had already compiled a short book of poems, sonnets and dirty limericks. "Do Not Steal Ye Book" was released in 1120 and was immediately picked up by Warner Bros. to become a motion picture. Slated to direct was the up-and-coming director Tim Burton, but, unfortunately, he wasn't to be born for another hundred years. This problem was never sorted out and eventually was completely forgotten.
But this didn't discourage Anonymous. He went on to write five more books that year, including:
- The Times of Our Lord, and Other Lies
- Leprosy Can Be Fun
- The DaVinci Code
- The H2SB Special Friends Club ("so I'm not too worried about some random person coming to mess things up")
The next twenty years, he wrote a total of 31,598 books and wrote 19,438 articles for assorted newspapers of the world.
By 1298, Anonymous had nearly tripled the amount of published works under his name. Very pleased with himself one day, Anonymous decided to go bar-hopping. While talking with a very drunken fellow in Justabout, England, he found out there was another writer using his pseudonym and publishing very awful works of literature. Enraged, Anonymous demanded to speak with the impostor, but he was always unavailable.
Anonymous decided to solve this bit out immediately. He hired Abraham Lincoln as his lawyer and brought to court one of the most heated courtroom sessions in the world, Anonymous v. Anonymous. In the months to come, Anonymous fought his case all the way to Supreme Court. The session lasted two years. Ultimately, the case was settled out of court and Anonymous was left penniless.
Down on his luck and outright bitch-slapped by the soon-to-be American Justice System, Anonymous wrote short haikus for food. In 1332, the increasing numbers of phoney Anonymous's finally beared down on him. He was found dead in a gutter outside the red-light district of Cleveland. No one knows how he died, but how he got in Cleveland before it was even thought up was the biggest mystery of them all.
What Anonymous did leave behind, however, was the use of his pen name for people who didn't like the sound of their real names on paper. Since his death in 1332, more than 800 million pieces of work were posthumously credited to him. The legacy lives on, and will forever until people come up with a different name to use. As his last-known poem entitled, "The Poem Of Poems", says:
- To those who are gone by gone,
- And to those who are not,
- Let us not forget the words
- of "Mr. Forget-Me-Not."