Anne Hathaway

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Anne Hathaway acting with her eyes and other expressive body parts.

Anne Hathaway, the Academy Award winning actresss known as the master of Method Acting, has had a roller-coaster ride of a Hollywood career. At first Hathaway played girly-girl role-model characters in The Princess Novels and The Cute Princess Finds Love. Then, apparantly going crazy as a bedbug (but a cute bedbug), she repeatedly exposed her breasts, damaged the fabric of society, came close to death, and acted as a simpering lackey to transvestite superstar Melvin Luther "Meryl" Streep (known as the greatest actress of hir generation) during her next several movies.

"Anne Hathaway defines acting," film critic Roger Ebert said at a Kennedy Center dinner honoring the star. "When others are satisfied to live one life in habitual safety, she lives each day anew, as an adventure and a feast, and we are lucky and privileged when she sometimes takes us along."

Early life

Born in a log cabin in downtown Fargo, North Dakota, Hathaway had a wide range of interests as a child (see photo below). When other children played with stones, frogs, and puppets, Hathaway founded the Fargo Historical Society, spent her weekends traveling with the Buffalo herd in the Theodore Roosevelt National Park, and used every spare moment to study nature and life's behavioral patterns. Her mind eventually focused into a yogi like brillance and concentrative state just before she entered puberty, and, once there, Hathaway discovered her talent for pretending. Putting her full and considerable attention on the study and practice of Lee Strasberg's famed Method acting technique, she took the lead role in her high school's production of "To Catch A Thief", robbed the Opening Night audience at gunpoint, fled into the lobby, and was quickly caught and subdued. Anne Hathaway then spent the next year of her "Early life" in juvenile detention, an experience she enthusiastically relished and considered just another classroom of life.

Once freed, and with her spirits as high as ever, Anne Hathaway followed her destiny.

Hollywood beckons, and The Princess Movies

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Hathaway dramatically reenacts a scene from her early childhood in the overseas director's cut of The Princess Novels (El Distresseda Princess).

The bright lights, the Hollywood sign, the hand-foot-and-genital prints in the cement, who could resist this glamour? Not young Anne Hathaway, who instinctivly gravitated from North Dakota to this Mecca of Fame and Fortune. Smiling, giggling, laughing, she got off the bus, a twinkle in her eye and a bounce in her step, when she was immediately grabbed by two towering and slobbering crack addicts, beaten, robbed, and left for dead at the Bus Terminal entrance.


Cosmopolitan's "The Three-Way Experience, Orgasms Unlimited?"

You all know the rest of the story. Father-figure Jack Nicholson happened to be jogging by the Bus Terminal when he saw the youthful shape of the woman lying there, swung her over his shoulder, and carried her right to the Paramount Studio lot. Still bloody and semi-conscious, Hathaway was cast as the girl who didn't know she was a Princess in The Princess Novels. "I had a concussion, and don't remember the first few days of shooting," said Hathaway in a 2004 interview with sometimes-lover Walter Cronkite, "and when I finally came-to some guy was waltzing me around a room, calling me Princess, and looking down my dress. 'What in God's name?' I thought to myself."

But Hathaway quickly sized up the situation, and applying her full range of Method acting, instantly became a Princess. During the next two years, while she filmed two Princess movies, conducted countless press interviews, and made hundreds of lecture appearances and attended fan conventions, Hathaway did not once, not even once, remember her real name. She had become, in her heart, mind, and soul, a Princess.

Hathaway shows them how the game is played

Fame had already started stalking the perky actress when she finally regained her ego-centered identity, and Hathaway decided to just lay back and enjoy it. She sought and obtained the important societal niche known as "The Darling of the Tabloid's" by becoming, in quick succession, the Dalai Lama's biographer, a progressive Native American Congressman from Nebraska, "the other clear" in the Cruise-Holmes-Hathaway triangle, and, for a brief time, a fugitive from justice after seriously injuring one-note actress Scarlett Johansson during a Vegas shopping spree. Hathaway, chameleon-like, had successfully reflected and captivated American culture. She then lulled it to sleep.

Hathaway Stays in Character, Reshapes the Republican Party


Hathaway as Eva Braun

"I am in awe of her talent," said Ang Lee, who directed Hathaway in his acclaimed biopic Eva Braun, Eva Braun, Hitler's Plaything, War's Evil Waif, "and I am afraid of her talent." For during the 2005 filming of the movie, Anne Hathaway oversaw the reshaping of today's Republican Party.

In character throughout the filming, and working during gaps in the shooting schedule, Hathaway first chose and began to date an obscure house painter from Madison, Wisconsin. Then, through a series of speeches, backroom deals, large gatherings on the Mall in Washington, D.C., and in the aftermath of a mysterious fire in the U.S. Capitol Building, she propeled her boyfriend into the chairmanship of the GOP. Together they organized the illiterate peasantry of America into small groups which disrupted political Town Hall meetings, waved cardboard signs at each other, and terrorized the nation's ruling class into complete and total submission to the most oppressive Bush administration policies.

When filming ended, Hathaway quickly broke character, denounced the GOP, laughed at the gullibility of its followers, and good-naturedly apologized for her actions in a 60 Minutes interview. "You know me," she said, smiling brightly at Mike Wallace, "when I get on one of my rolls, boy, Katie bar the door!"

Before we go on, a word about Anne Hathaway's lips

Dozens of Fan Clubs for Anne Hathaway's lips have been organized, and Hathaway herself edits the newsletter and serves as vice-president of one of them. Her lips have a life of their own (and they and Anne sometimes take separate vacations), although the accents of Hathaway's eyes, hair, and nose actually propel her lips to another level. "Strange, that they should exist as they do," said her friend, actress Kate Hudson, whose admiration shrine to the actress includes a lipstick impression of Hathaway's lips on a rainbowed vibator, "and nobody can explain why they are so interesting and sensual. I think it's a combination of the size, angle of placement, crease lines extending laterally along the cheek, specific shade of colour in relationship to the brain's ability to differentiate surface luminosity, mandible shape and density, and her genetically-predetermined orbicularis oris, zygomaticus minor, and buccinator muscle movements which animate them when she speaks, eats, or smiles. They are very interesting, and I like to look at them when I'm high".

The Breast Era


Anne Hathaway shows off her own boulders in a scene with Jake Gyllenhaal from BigRocks Candy Mountain .

Hathaway bared her breasts in her next two movies. In Alfred Hitchcock's gay-western thriller, BigRocks Candy Mountain, she played the bemused wife of an openly-gay cowboy who was secretly into beastiality. The film broke several Hollywood taboos, including showing graphic man-on-man sex-in-a-tent and the famous waterfall romp between Jake Gyllenhaal and an enthusiastic lemur. Hathaway's character, unbeknownst to Gyllenhalls's, was also having affairs with his male lover, his lemur soul-mate, and with Hitchcock himself during the director's trademark film walk-on.

Hathaway next starred in the overlooked Havoc, in which she "played" an adventerous suburban girl who goes slumming and eventually has full-on naked sex with that little guy from Six Feet Under. During Havoc's filming Method acting again took Hathaway in an unfortunate direction. Each evening after shooting wrapped she'd cruise South-Central Los Angeles, and soon became a gang trixie for the Latino Junk Lords (in an interesting brain-wiring confusion, she would also haphazardly knock on the doors of local funeral homes in an attempt to find "Rico"). When filming ended, and after six weeks in a local county hospital with just a touch of corrective surgery on her ovaries, Hathaway, luckily, was able to break character and prepare for some of her most acclaimed roles to date.

The Devil Wears Nada and Rachael's Wedding Crasher


To zip up or unzip?

In The Devil Wears Nada, the first all-nude major Hollywood movie, Hathaway plays the assistant to the satanic Meryl Streep. Acting pretty much like she always does, Hathaway lights up the screen as she dashes from place to place, buying the Devil coffee and picking up her dry cleaning. Method acting did her little harm in this role, as Hathaway, in real life, just dashed from place to place, buying coffee and picking up her friends' dry cleaning. She was, however, held for several hours in a London jail for questioning concerning a missing copy of author J.K. Rowling's last unpublished manuscript.

In Rachael's Wedding Crasher Hathaway stars as the self-centered drug-addicted bi-polar sister of Rachael Moon Masters, and manages to get all of the attention, at every step of the way, that the Bride should be receiving. During the filming, and in a strange echoing of the script, Hathaway's incarcerations in various rehab and psychiatric hospitals again led to calls for the closure of New York's famed Method Actor's Studio.

"White Lace and Promises"


As Karen Carpenter in White Lace and Promises.

The coveted Oscars for Best Actress, and Best Director* came Anne Hathaway's way when she wrote, directed, edited, starred in, and performed the songs for White Lace and Promises, the 2009 Karen Carpenter biopic.

Subconsciously sensing that this may be the role of a lifetime, Hathaway stopped eating and began singing. Her friends, family, and stalkers organized interventions, her admirers and detractors unified to place billboards at key freeway locations in Los Angeles which read simply Anne, WTF?, and even Keira Knightley asked aloud "just what is Hathaway doing?". But Anne Hathaway, one of the greatest method actors in film history, didn't understand what they were talking about. "When I look in the mirror," she said in a Rolling Stone cover story written during the filming of the movie, "I see what you see, a fat girl, and I am so ashamed. I should not be doing this role, I'm obese for God's sake, but I committed to see the project through."

After the film's release, and the same day its soundtrack-CD went platinum ("Nobody has the vocal range of Anne Hathaway," critics agreed, "except for Karen Carpenter, and maybe Sinead O'Connor on a good day"), Hathaway was once again court-ordered into rehab. It took a month of intense group-therapy to bring her out of character, to get her singing voice back to its normal off-key screech, and to save her life.

*In an unexplained voting glich, Hathaway also received the Oscar for Audrey Hepburn's 1961 rendition of "Moon River".

The Future is bright


The master of Method acting

When not filming, Anne Hathaway lives on a spacious ranch in Montana and winters in her bordello in Rio de Janeiro, where she is known as "El Snake-Bite Senorita". Her hobbies include sand diving, calligraphic duplication of ancient Sumerian manuscripts, biking, and occasional land-mine removal in Bosnia but not in Herzegovina ("Just a quirky preference," she says).

But acting remains Hathaway's first love, and film critics and fans alike believe that a second or even third Academy Award for Best Actress will someday land in Hathaway's lap (along with Hollywood Bad-Boy Jack Black). Her upcoming roles include the mother in "Second-Generation Whore" (co-starring Lindsay Lohan), "Jungle Fever 3-D" where she plays a young chimpanzee stranded thousands of miles from her home, Princess Diana in the Ritchie/Al-Fayed production of "Snuffed Just Before the Payoff" (American title: "Diana, We Love You!"), and as the caterwauling rattle-brained mistress in the $300-million dollar special-effects laden remake of "Citizen Kane" (with a computer-generated Orson Welles again playing Kane, although this time a little more stiffly and immobile).

She plans to marry her boyfriend, who is nothing more than a dick to her, & wants him to fuck her more hard to have a clan of warriors to protect them from the evils of Washington & Hollywood.

See also

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