Anne Hathaway

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Anne-Hathaway

Anne Hathaway acting with her eyes and other expressive body parts.

Anne Hathaway (born November 12, 1982), the Academy Award and Golden Globe winning actress known as the master of Method Acting, has had a roller-coaster ride of a Hollywood career. At first playing girly-girl role-model characters in The Princess Novels and The Cute Princess Finds Love, Hathaway then apparently went crazy as a bedbug (but a cute smart bedbug). During the filming of her next several movies she repeatedly exposed her breasts, damaged the fabric of society, cheated death at cards, and acted as a simpering lackey to transvestite superstar Melvin Luther "Meryl" Streep (known as the greatest actress of hir generation).

"Anne Hathaway defines acting," film critic Roger Ebert said at a Kennedy Center dinner honoring the star. "When others are satisfied to live one life in habitual safety, she lives each day anew, as an adventure and a feast, and we are lucky and privileged when she sometimes takes us along."

Early life

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Hathaway attends her high school prom. Her date couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

Born in a log cabin in downtown Fargo, North Dakota, Hathaway had a wide range of interests as a child. When other children played with stones, frogs, and puppets, Hathaway, who is as intelligent as Einstein but without the accent, founded the Fargo Historical Society, spent her weekends traveling with the Buffalo herd in the Theodore Roosevelt National Park, and used every spare moment to study nature and life's behavioral patterns. Her mind eventually focused into a yogi-like brilliance and concentrative state just before she entered puberty, and, once there, Hathaway discovered her extraordinary talent for pretending. Putting her full and considerable attention onto the study and practice of Lee Strasberg's famed Method Acting technique, she took the lead role in her high school's production of "To Catch A Thief". After robbing the opening night audience at gunpoint and fleeing into the lobby, she was quickly caught (just as she'd hoped), subdued, and spent the next year of her "Early life" in juvenile detention. She enthusiastically relished this experience, and considered it just another classroom of life.

Once freed, and with her spirits as high as ever, Anne Hathaway followed her destiny.

Hollywood beckons, and The Princess Movies

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Hathaway dramatically reenacts a scene from her early childhood in the overseas director's cut of The Princess Novels (El Distresseda Princess).

The bright lights, the Hollywood sign, the hand-foot-and-genital prints in the cement, who could resist this glamour? Not young Anne Hathaway, who instinctively gravitated from North Dakota to this Mecca of Fame, Fortune, and Friskyness. Smiling, giggling, laughing, she got off the bus, a twinkle in her eye and a bounce in her step, when she was immediately grabbed by two towering and slobbering crack addicts, ruffed up, robbed, and left dazed at the Bus Terminal entrance.

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Cosmopolitans "The Three-Way Experience, Orgasms Unlimited?"

You all know the rest of the story. Father-figure Jack Nicholson happened to be jogging by the Bus Terminal when he saw the youthful shape of the woman lying there, liked what he saw, swung her over his shoulder, and carried her right to the Disney Studio lot. Still bruised and semi-conscious, Hathaway was cast as the girl who didn't know she was a Princess in The Princess Novels. "I had a concussion, and don't remember the first few days of shooting," said Hathaway in a 2004 interview with sometimes-lover Walter Cronkite, "and when I finally came to, some guy was waltzing me around a room, calling me Princess Mia, and looking down my dress. 'What in God's name?' I thought to myself."

But Hathaway quickly sized up the situation, and applying her full range of Method acting, instantly became a Princess. During the next two years, while she filmed two Princess movies, conducted countless press interviews, and made hundreds of lecture appearances and attended fan conventions, Hathaway did not once, not even once, remember her real name. She had become, in her heart, mind, and soul, Mia, the Princess.

Hathaway shows them how the game is played

Fame had already started stalking the perky actress when she finally regained her ego-centered identity, and Hathaway decided to just lay back and enjoy it. She sought and obtained the important societal niche known as "The Darling of the Tabloid's" by becoming, in quick succession, the Dalai Lama's biographer, a progressive Native American Congresswoman from North Dakota, "the other clear" in the Cruise-Holmes-Hathaway triangle, and, for a brief time, a fugitive from justice after seriously injuring one-note actress Scarlett Johansson during a Vegas shopping spree. Hathaway, chameleon-like, had successfully reflected and captivated American culture. She then lulled it to sleep.

Hathaway Stays in Character, Reshapes the Republican Party

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Hathaway as Eva Braun

"I am in awe of her talent," said Ang Lee, who directed Hathaway in his acclaimed biopic Eva Braun: Hitler's Plaything, War's Evil Waif, "and I am afraid of her talent." For during the 2007 filming of the movie, Anne Hathaway oversaw the reshaping of today's Republican Party.

In character throughout the filming, and working during gaps in the shooting schedule, Hathaway first chose and began to date an obscure house painter from Madison, Wisconsin. Then, through a series of speeches, backroom deals, large gatherings on the Mall in Washington, D.C., and in the aftermath of a mysterious fire in the U.S. Capitol Building, she propelled her boyfriend into the chairmanship of the GOP. Together they organized the illiterate peasantry of America into small groups which disrupted political Town Hall meetings, waved cardboard signs at each other, and terrorized the nation's ruling class into complete and total submission to the most oppressive Bush administration policies. Her actions later led directly to the election and re-election of a black man who then boldly occupied the White House.

When filming ended on Lee's classic ended, Hathaway quickly broke character, denounced the GOP, laughed at the gullibility of its followers, and good-naturedly apologized for her actions in a 60 Minutes interview. "You know me," she said, smiling brightly at Mike Wallace, "when I get on one of my rolls, boy, Katie bar the door!"

Before we go on, a word about Anne Hathaway's lips

Dozens of Fan Clubs for Anne Hathaway's lips have been organized, and Hathaway herself edits the newsletter and serves as vice-president of one of them. Her lips have a life of their own (they and Anne sometimes take separate vacations), although the accents of Hathaway's eyes, hair, and nose actually propel her lips to another level. "Strange, that they should exist as they do," said her friend, actress Kate Hudson, whose admiration-shrine to the actress includes a lipstick impression of Hathaway's lips on a rainbowed vibrator. "Nobody can explain why they are so interesting and sensual," Hudson added, "I think it's a combination of the size, angle of placement, crease lines extending laterally along the cheek, specific shade of color in relationship to the brain's ability to differentiate surface luminosity, mandible shape and density, and her genetically-predetermined orbicularis oris, zygomaticus minor, and buccinator muscle movements which animate them when she speaks, eats, or smiles. They are very interesting, and I like to look at them when I'm high".

The Breast Era

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Anne Hathaway shows off her boulders to Jake Gyllenhaal during a scene in BigRocks Candy Mountain.

Hathaway bared her breasts in her next two movies. In Alfred Hitchcock's gay-western thriller, BigRocks Candy Mountain, she played the bemused wife of an openly-gay cowboy who was secretly into beastiality. The film broke several Hollywood taboos, including showing graphic man-on-man sex-in-a-tent and the famous waterfall romp between Jake Gyllenhaal and an enthusiastic lemur. Hathaway's character, unbeknownst to Gyllenhaal's, was also having affairs with his male lover, his lemur soul-mate, and with Hitchcock himself during the director's trademark film walk-on.

Hathaway next starred in the overlooked Havoc, in which she "played" an adventurous suburban girl who goes slumming and eventually has full-on naked sex with that little guy from Six Feet Under. During Havoc's filming Hathaway's Method acting again took her in an unfortunate direction. Each evening after shooting wrapped she'd cruise South-Central Los Angeles, and soon became a gang trixie for the Latino Junk Lords (in an interesting brain-wiring confusion, she would also haphazardly knock on the doors of local funeral homes in an attempt to find "Rico"). When filming ended, and after six weeks in a local county hospital with just a touch of corrective surgery on her ovaries and shoulder, Hathaway, luckily, was able to break character and prepare for some of her most acclaimed roles to date.

The Devil Wears Nada and Rachael's Wedding Crasher

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If you see this look, you're in for a nice surprise.

In The Devil Wears Nada, the first all-nude major Hollywood movie, Hathaway plays the assistant to the satanic Meryl Streep. Acting pretty much like her real-life self, Hathaway lights up the screen as she dashes from place to place, buying the Devil coffee and picking up her dry cleaning for when she wasn't nude. Method acting did her little harm in this role, as Hathaway, in real life, just dashes from place to place, buying coffee and picking up her friends' dry cleaning. She was, however, held for several hours in a London jail for questioning concerning a missing copy of author J.K. Rowling's last unpublished Harry Potter manuscript.

In Rachael's Wedding Crasher Hathaway stars as the self-centered drug-addicted bipolar sister of Rachael Moon Masters, and manages to get all of the attention, at every step of the way, that the Bride should be receiving. During the filming, and in a strange echoing of the script, Hathaway's incarcerations in various rehab and psychiatric hospitals again led to calls for the closure of New York's famed Method Actor's Studio.

"White Lace and Promises"

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As Karen Carpenter in White Lace and Promises (2011). Hathaway later lost 25-pounds for her ironically named role as Fantine in Les Misérables (2012).

The coveted Oscars for Best Actress and Best Director came Anne Hathaway's way when she wrote, directed, edited, starred in, and performed the songs for White Lace and Promises, the 2009 Karen Carpenter biopic.

Subconsciously sensing that this may be the role of a lifetime, Hathaway stopped eating and began singing. Her friends, family, and stalkers organized interventions, her admirers and detractors unified to place large billboards at key freeway locations in Los Angeles which read simply Anne, WTF?, and even Keira Knightley asked aloud "just what is Hathaway doing?". But Anne Hathaway, one of the greatest method actors in film history, didn't understand what they were talking about. "When I look in the mirror," she said in a Rolling Stone cover story written during the filming of the movie, "I see what you see, a fat girl, and I am so ashamed. I should not be doing this role, I'm obese for God's sake, but I committed to see the project through."

After the film's release, and the same day its soundtrack-CD went platinum ("Nobody has the vocal range of Anne Hathaway," critics agreed, "except for Karen Carpenter, and maybe Sinead O'Connor on a good day"), Hathaway was once again court-ordered into rehab. It took a month of intense group-therapy to bring her out of character, to get her singing voice back to its normal off-key screech, and to save her life.

In an unexplained voting glitch, Hathaway also received the Oscar for Audrey Hepburn's 1961 rendition of "Moon River".

The Future is bright

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The master of Method acting.

When not filming, Anne Hathaway lives on a spacious ranch in Montana and winters in her bordello in Rio de Janeiro, where she is known as "El Snake-Bite Senorita". Her hobbies include sand diving, calligraphic duplication of ancient Sumerian manuscripts, biking, and occasional land-mine removal in Bosnia but not in Herzegovina ("Just a quirky preference," she says).

But acting remains Hathaway's first love, and film critics and fans alike believe that a second or even third Academy Award for Best Actress will someday land in Hathaway's lap (along with Hollywood Bad-Boy Jack Black). Her upcoming roles include the mother in "Second-Generation Whore" (co-starring Lindsay Lohan), "Jungle Fever 3-D" where she plays a young chimpanzee stranded thousands of miles from her home, Princess Diana in the Ritchie/Al-Fayed production of "Snuffed Just Before the Payoff" (American title: "Diana, We Love You!"), and as the caterwauling rattle-brained mistress in the $300-million dollar special-effects laden remake of "Citizen Kane" (starring a computer-generated Orson Welles again playing Kane, although this time a little more animated and in 3-D!).

See also


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