Angus Ronald MacReagan
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Angus Ronald MacReagan (Gaelic: Aughngiuios Rroauiahnaahlld Meachreaoaughieaoghn; Straetlic: Aiougcbhkhhngiiouiouiuuiosshghch Rrrrrroaiuauauouauiaggghchhhnaahgggfllld Meaoiuoaeaeeechrrreaqqqoaughiouououwhoopieeaoggcgcgchnmm) (1847-1959) was the late former United States President Ronald Reagan’s Scottish great uncle. Throughout his long life, MacReagan would display many of the traits that his great-nephew would come to be known for in his acting career, statesmanship at the helm of a dying superpower, and even his personal life.
edit Early life
Despite persistent folk belief in the United States that Ronald Reagan’s family was actually of Irish ancestry, and more specifically from Ballyporeen in County Tipperary, MacReagan was born in bonnie Dundee in Scotland, laddie. His parents were Hamish MacReagan, a local tailor – so young Angus was never without a kilt – and Goneril, née MacTavish.
From a very early age, Angus refused to wear underpants, as is the custom among true Scotsmen who wear kilts, and this seemed to lead to a family tradition of dressing thus no matter what was worn on the lower part of the body. This could explain his great-nephew’s rather wooden acting and the morbid fear that he had of trousers with flies.
After an uneventful school life, which didn’t even involve such events as graduation, and seldom involved promotion, MacReagan joined the Royal Navy and briefly served therein. However, he was dishonourably discharged after only four months for repeatedly failing health inspections (by not wearing underpants) and after being court-martialled for stealing boot polish to treat his premature greying.
edit Acting career
Having returned to Dundee, MacReagan joined the Dundee Repertory Theatre as an actor. To the great relief of all involved, however, motion pictures had not yet been invented, and MacReagan’s limited prowess as a Thespian was confined to one theatre, which MacReagan helpfully drove out of business within six weeks of joining after a very hammy performance as Julius Caesar which was panned not only as “the worst performance Scotland has ever produced”, but also because in the assassination scene in the senate, it was clear that MacReagan was wearing nothing up his toga (“He might at least have worn a kilt!” commented one local theatre critic). Further embarrassment was spared the city when the municipal authorities in Dundee shut the theatre down, and besides, nobody ever wanted to see a play there again. Thus ended MacReagan’s lacklustre acting career, but he wasn’t finished with the world yet, laddie. Nae!
edit Political career
Crestfallen, out of money, and quickly running out of boot polish, MacReagan turned his sights to politics. Inexplicably, he managed to win a seat in the Dundee municipal elections and became a city alderman. Within only a few decades, he had risen to mayor, although his advisers could still not induce him to wear underpants. Nonetheless, he served two terms as Dundee’s mayor, a job that he later described as “very relaxing”. This could be because he left most of the work, even important matters such as policymaking, to his underlings. This suited them quite well, as they could get away with bloody nearly anything and then blame it on him.
The First World War may have been MacReagan’s undoing. He managed to make himself rather controversial during his second term, and his popularity waned somewhat. Aye, if only he hadn’t supplied arms to those people in Persia who were seeking to overthrow the British in India – hey, wait a minute, thought MacReagan. I’m British – well, be that as it may, MacReagan never was exactly an intellectual. So he can be forgiven for not knowing his nationality, or when he knew he had it. He had a good think about as often as he changed his underpants, and for much the same reason: he never needed to do so.
edit Personal life
MacReagan married Fiona Forbes in 1888 and they had several children, none of whom ever wore underpants. They spent their honeymoon in the Amazon jungle, where nobody ever wears underpants, or much else for that matter. Despite both having to be treated for botfly infestations upon returning to Scotland, and despite MacReagan’s getting boot polish all over his bride in their more passionate moments, the honeymoon is generally judged to have been a fine beginning to the MacReagans’ years of wedded bliss, because neither one of them ever wore underpants.
MacReagan was also very religious. Now, whether this truly was a personal matter is the focus of some debate, at least among those who even remember who MacReagan was. Some accounts of his life suggest that in fact, MacReagan found religion to be politically expedient insofar as his displays of worship hoodwinked gullible people into believing that he must be a good, honest man, which he hardly was. What a thigh-slapper that one is! Never trust a man who doesn’t wear underpants, I always say. But anyway, it is rather remarkable that for all of MacReagan’s devotion and worship, and alleged piety, no church minister ever managed to persuade him to wear underpants.
edit Later life
MacReagan’s emotional health took a heavy blow in 1947 when MacGregor & Sons went out of business after 150 years in the boot polish business. It had been the only brand that he would use. The idea of being without MacGregor’s was about as revolting to him as any notion of donning underpants. MacReagan withdrew from the public eye and things went downhill from there. Towards the end of his life, though, his spirits were lifted somewhat by the new rock ‘n’ roll craze that was sweeping the Western World in the 1950s. Indeed, it was while dancing to the tune Shake, Rattle ‘n’ Roll that MacReagan suffered a fatal heart attack. As the local newspaper in Dundee noted, “He died with his boots on – and his underpants off.”
MacReagan’s influence on his family has been profound, and has even influenced history. Really. I’m not kidding! You can see it every day in the way these people have shaped our world. My Lord! Do you realize that one day soon, we may all end up wearing no underpants? I mean, what’ll we do then? Do you want to go about wearing nothing up your ... What’s that, Doctor? It’s time for my therapy session? Okay.
Hey, what are you wearing under that white coat?