Angelina Jolie

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[[Image:WantSome.jpg|thumb|right|230px|Angelina Jolie. Photo found on Brad Pitt's iPhone.]]
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[[File:Anglina Jolie Ecuadoran- Ministry of Foreign Affairs 2012.jpg|thumb|right|230px|Angelina Jolie, finding that her collection of children lacks a Latino, opens negotiations with Ecuador's Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 22 April 2012]]
Skinny thin, soya latte actress '''Angelina Jolie''' (born '''Angelina Jolie Voight'''; June 4, 1975) is now best known for her choice in men, babies and film roles. She is classified as a leading Hollywood actress, despite generally mediocre audience popularity. Oscar nominated, Jolie was once willing to bare all for the cameras but now prefers to just hang out the occassional leg at major red carpet events.
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[[File:Fishlipz1.jpg|thumb|left|230px|Smug, and for good reason.]]
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'''ANGELINA JOLIE''' is an American actress, director, professional mother of six, United Nations "Human Rights" Commission ambassador and Princess Diana humanitarian wannabe, who is best known for her relationships (both hetero and homo), her collection of children, occasionaly for her films -- even though most have been notable box office failures -- and is touted as a leading Hollywood actress since getting a Best Supporting Actress Oscar and two Golden Globes for she playing herself in two films. Jolie bared all in her first big screen role at age 17, and in several films thereafter, but now prefers to just hang out the occassional leg at major red carpet events.
   
Once a rather a plump teenager and looking a lot like a chubby [[Liv Tyler]], Jolie rose to notice when she appeared as a skin exposing model in ''Gia'' . Her next film anyone recalls was the action seeking, pneumatic archaeologist [[Lara Croft]] in ''Lara Croft:Tomb Raider''. Jolie was accused of dumbing down Lara in the film and talking about the lost Sumerian civilisation that had made this video game to popular. There then followed a number of middling to crap films before Jolie landed on her talons for ''Mr & Mrs Smith''. The film's success and her decision to dump one husband for someone else's made her a tabloid heroine.
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Jolie rose to notice when she appeared as a model in ''Gia'', which won her her first acting award for playing herself . Her next important film was ''Girl, Interrupted'', in which she earned more major awards for playing herself. She achieved international fame in the video-game-turned-movie as the action seeking, pneumatic archaeologist [[Lara Croft]] in ''Lara Croft:Tomb Raider''. Jolie was accused of dumbing down Lara and talking in an atrociously fake English accent about the lost Sumerian civilisation that had made this video game so popular. After ''Lara'', Jolie appeared in a number of middling to crap films before Jolie landed on her talons and snagged Jennifer Aniston's husband in ''Mr & Mrs Smith''. The film's success and her decision to dump one husband for someone else's made tabloid headlines.
   
 
It was around this time that Jolie ceased to connect with the real world and has since been lost in a haze of iron fisted publicity. She was last seen to smile without assistance in 2005.
 
It was around this time that Jolie ceased to connect with the real world and has since been lost in a haze of iron fisted publicity. She was last seen to smile without assistance in 2005.
   
==Origins==
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==Early Years==
[[Image:Angelina Jolie Lips.jpg|thumb|left|'''A candid photograph of Jolie taken by her brother''']]
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[[Image:Angelina Jolie Lips.jpg|thumb|right|A candid photograph of Jolie taken by her brother.]]
Angelina Jolie is the daughter of actor [[Jon Voight]] and a French woman who no one can ever remember the name of. This accounts for Jolie's distinctly exotic looks and also her willingness to shed clothing for film roles (no doubt a legacy of her Gallic connections). Her role as a drug addled model in 'Gia' made her one of the top searches in [[Google]] at the time and lead to that company's international success later on.
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'''Angelina Jolie Voight''' was born in Beverly Hills, California, on 4th June 1975. She is the daughter of actor Jon Voight by his marriage to a Beverly Hills housewife named Marsha Lynn, an alleged actress whom nobody remembers seeing in anything. During Angie's formative years, Marsha insisted she was French and part Iroqois and an actress, too, despite her husband's remark at one time that Marsha was "not seriously Iroqois." Voight could also have added that his wife wasn't an actress, either, serious or otherwise. He didn't, and Marsha's attitudes contributed to Angie's grasp of reality, which, at best, has never been strong. For example, Angie once excoriated the press for "pretending" Marsha was French, when, Ange said, Marsha was part Iroqois. (In fact, Ange's only Native ancestor was a Huron woman who died in the 17th century -- and it was Marsha, not the press, who had been adamant about her Froginess.)
   
Her early life saw her father Voight abandon his family for the freedom to remain a romantic film lead. As a consequence Jolie became close to her brother James Haven, dressed like him. Their closeness led to suggestions that they shared more than clothes and make up ideas but Jolie has denied she has been anything else but a 'big sister' to her brother.
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Angie's early life saw her father Voight abandon his family for the freedom to become a romantic film lead and fool around with actresses. Her mother was so furious that she couldn't stand the sight of little Angie, whom she dumped with Daddy, who left Angie's care in the hands of capable Beverly Hills nannies. After a year or so, Marcia returned to Beverly Hills, retrieved her daughter and her son, Angie's olfrt brother, James Haven voight, and proceeded to make a home for her children. In later years, Angie recalled how poor they seemed, in stark contrast to their neighbours, to her mother's fellow alums of Bevery Hills High, and to Angie's own acquaintances, such as they were. Indeed, Angie once wrote a fairy tale for a school project, of a poor family in Beverly Hills, which she modeled on her own. "Once upon a time," Angie's story began, "there was a poor family who lived in Beverly Hills. The mommy was poor, the little girl was poor, the baby brother was poor, their nanny was poor, the housekeeper was poor, and their cook and their Japanese gardener and there pool man was poor." As a result of Voight kids' poverty, Jolie became close to older brother Jimbo, even to the point of dressing like him.
   
It was around this time that Jolie met and married an English actor, Jonny Lee Miller. It was later suggested that she married Miller to gain the role of the British accented Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. Certainly Jolie's accent was much commented at the time. That particular film wasn't a great success and Jolie also dumped her husband and tried to go Hollywood mainstream. There followed a number of films of so-so quality, though Jolie's interest in 'exotic body art' (tattoos in other words) began a trend for other stars - both male and female - to get theirs too.
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Angie credited her mum, not her famous dad, with involving her in acting, although it was Dad who handed her her first acting role when she was seven. Mum worked to keep the family together, and permitted 14-year-old Angie to drop out of school and move her boyfriend into her bedroom. Angie remained close to her older brother Jimbo, and though their closeness aroused suggestions that the siblings shared more than clothes, there is no truth to the rumour that Angie engaged in any menageries a Troy, and she has repeatedly denied that Jimbo was ever anything but a big brother to his l'il sis, even after Jimbo became a zombie.
[[Image:Fishlipz1.jpg|thumb|right|'''Her boobs are only seen by Brad Pitt. People who she has rejected cannot see her boobs. For these people she holds her hands over her boobs, as in this photo.''']]
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Jolie had by now hooked up with the rough looking Billy Bob Thornton. Though she was still famous for her family connections, Jolie's career was still showing signs of going no where fast. At her many film auditions at this time, Jolie was offered various roles as a goth, goth slasher or 'foreign looking woman who could be dangerous'. When Jolie tried to go for comedies or romantic movies, she was told 'look...you're no [[Jennifer Aniston]]. She is the woman Americans want to see having her lips wetted by....' and so on. Jolie was hurt. Revenge would come. Was it in her imagination or was [[Brad Pitt]] looking for the rough stuff. If so, Angelina knew how to satisfy that requirement.
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==Film Career==
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Ten years after her first appearance in one of her father's films, Angie appeared in ''Cyborg 2'', at age 17, playing a non-human machine which could mimic human emotions such as fear, pain, love, and hate. In other words, she played herself. ''Cyborg 2'' -- which featured Angie's first nude scene, even though it was only her second film outing -- proved a direct-to-video PoS, and Angie's next film achieved the same level of crap. Her third screen outing proved the charm: ''Hackers'' may have been another PoS -- one which was turned down by Katherine Heigl, Heather Graham, Hilary Swank, and Liv Tyler -- but it was the PoS where 21-year-old Angie Voight met then married her co-star, English actor Jonny Lee Miller. It is not true that she married Miller merely to develop an English accent for ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider''; that came six years later. In the interveneing years, Angie starred in 13 films; ten lost huge amounts of money. The three which sactually showed a profit were ''The Bone Collector'', starring Denzel Washington and Queen Latifah; ''Girl, Interrupted'', with Whoopi Goldberg, Vanessa Redgrave, Jared Leto, Winona Ryder and Brittany Murphy; and ''Gone in 60 Seconds'', with Nicholas Cage and Robert Duvall. Along the way, Angie was handed two Golden Globes and an Oscar for playing herself in ''Gia'' and ''Girl, Interrupted''; in the latter, amazed audiences by keeping her clothes on.
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''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' was produced by, and starred, Angie's father and Angie in the titular role. Ange's perky tits and duck lips shared billing and were much commented on, as was her weird pseudo-Britsh accent -- a foreshadowing of the even weirder accent she adopted for her role as Alex's mum in Oliver Stone's mega-flop ''Alexander'', which starred Angie's then-boyfriend, Colin Farrell, as her son, along with Rosario Dawson's boobs and pubes and a horse with feathered booties.
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Jolie had by now hooked up with the rough looking Billy Bob Thornton. Though she was still famous for her family connections, Jolie's career was still showing signs of going goth, goth slasher or playing a 'foreign looking woman who could be dangerous'. When Jolie tried to go for comedies or romantic movies, she was told 'you're no [[Jennifer Aniston]]. Jen is the woman Americans want to see having her lips wetted by Ross or Brad Pitt or....' and so on. Jolie was hurt. Revenge would come. Was it in her imagination or was [[Brad Pitt]] looking for the rough stuff? If so, Angelina knew how to satisfy that requirement.
   
 
==Brad Pitt==
 
==Brad Pitt==
[[Image:Ajolie09.jpg|thumb|left|230px|Angelina Jolie used to look like this in Photoshop CSI 1. Sigh...]]
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[[Image:Ajolie09.jpg|thumb|left|230px|Angelina Jolie can look like this in Photoshop CSI... me likey. ]]
 
Once a bit of a pretty boy himself, Brad Pitt was looking to expand his film range. By marrying Jennifer Aniston, he appeared to be in the perfect marriage. Film directors wanted him to appear in some great romantic film with Aniston but the couple declined. When a more off-beat film drama titled ''Mr & Mrs Smith'' was offered in 2004, Pitt got the role. Aniston at first seemed quite relaxed, Jolie looked so odd and ugly to her that Aniston thought she had no worries. Why would 'Braddy' fall for her witch-like looking woman when he could come home to her every night, fresh milk cookies and smothery hugs as her presents. So when Aniston got the message that 'Braddy' wanted out of their marriage, Aniston went beserk. In a secret meeting with her old Friends co-stars, all vowed to do their best to 'bury this woman's career'. But it was Jolie who would come out on top (literally with Brad Pitt). Aniston's reputation and career has suffered ever since.
 
Once a bit of a pretty boy himself, Brad Pitt was looking to expand his film range. By marrying Jennifer Aniston, he appeared to be in the perfect marriage. Film directors wanted him to appear in some great romantic film with Aniston but the couple declined. When a more off-beat film drama titled ''Mr & Mrs Smith'' was offered in 2004, Pitt got the role. Aniston at first seemed quite relaxed, Jolie looked so odd and ugly to her that Aniston thought she had no worries. Why would 'Braddy' fall for her witch-like looking woman when he could come home to her every night, fresh milk cookies and smothery hugs as her presents. So when Aniston got the message that 'Braddy' wanted out of their marriage, Aniston went beserk. In a secret meeting with her old Friends co-stars, all vowed to do their best to 'bury this woman's career'. But it was Jolie who would come out on top (literally with Brad Pitt). Aniston's reputation and career has suffered ever since.
   

Latest revision as of 18:34, March 5, 2014

Anglina Jolie Ecuadoran- Ministry of Foreign Affairs 2012
Angelina Jolie, finding that her collection of children lacks a Latino, opens negotiations with Ecuador's Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 22 April 2012
Fishlipz1
Smug, and for good reason.

ANGELINA JOLIE is an American actress, director, professional mother of six, United Nations "Human Rights" Commission ambassador and Princess Diana humanitarian wannabe, who is best known for her relationships (both hetero and homo), her collection of children, occasionaly for her films -- even though most have been notable box office failures -- and is touted as a leading Hollywood actress since getting a Best Supporting Actress Oscar and two Golden Globes for she playing herself in two films. Jolie bared all in her first big screen role at age 17, and in several films thereafter, but now prefers to just hang out the occassional leg at major red carpet events.

Jolie rose to notice when she appeared as a model in Gia, which won her her first acting award for playing herself . Her next important film was Girl, Interrupted, in which she earned more major awards for playing herself. She achieved international fame in the video-game-turned-movie as the action seeking, pneumatic archaeologist Lara Croft in Lara Croft:Tomb Raider. Jolie was accused of dumbing down Lara and talking in an atrociously fake English accent about the lost Sumerian civilisation that had made this video game so popular. After Lara, Jolie appeared in a number of middling to crap films before Jolie landed on her talons and snagged Jennifer Aniston's husband in Mr & Mrs Smith. The film's success and her decision to dump one husband for someone else's made tabloid headlines.

It was around this time that Jolie ceased to connect with the real world and has since been lost in a haze of iron fisted publicity. She was last seen to smile without assistance in 2005.

edit Early Years

Angelina Jolie Lips
A candid photograph of Jolie taken by her brother.

Angelina Jolie Voight was born in Beverly Hills, California, on 4th June 1975. She is the daughter of actor Jon Voight by his marriage to a Beverly Hills housewife named Marsha Lynn, an alleged actress whom nobody remembers seeing in anything. During Angie's formative years, Marsha insisted she was French and part Iroqois and an actress, too, despite her husband's remark at one time that Marsha was "not seriously Iroqois." Voight could also have added that his wife wasn't an actress, either, serious or otherwise. He didn't, and Marsha's attitudes contributed to Angie's grasp of reality, which, at best, has never been strong. For example, Angie once excoriated the press for "pretending" Marsha was French, when, Ange said, Marsha was part Iroqois. (In fact, Ange's only Native ancestor was a Huron woman who died in the 17th century -- and it was Marsha, not the press, who had been adamant about her Froginess.)

Angie's early life saw her father Voight abandon his family for the freedom to become a romantic film lead and fool around with actresses. Her mother was so furious that she couldn't stand the sight of little Angie, whom she dumped with Daddy, who left Angie's care in the hands of capable Beverly Hills nannies. After a year or so, Marcia returned to Beverly Hills, retrieved her daughter and her son, Angie's olfrt brother, James Haven voight, and proceeded to make a home for her children. In later years, Angie recalled how poor they seemed, in stark contrast to their neighbours, to her mother's fellow alums of Bevery Hills High, and to Angie's own acquaintances, such as they were. Indeed, Angie once wrote a fairy tale for a school project, of a poor family in Beverly Hills, which she modeled on her own. "Once upon a time," Angie's story began, "there was a poor family who lived in Beverly Hills. The mommy was poor, the little girl was poor, the baby brother was poor, their nanny was poor, the housekeeper was poor, and their cook and their Japanese gardener and there pool man was poor." As a result of Voight kids' poverty, Jolie became close to older brother Jimbo, even to the point of dressing like him.

Angie credited her mum, not her famous dad, with involving her in acting, although it was Dad who handed her her first acting role when she was seven. Mum worked to keep the family together, and permitted 14-year-old Angie to drop out of school and move her boyfriend into her bedroom. Angie remained close to her older brother Jimbo, and though their closeness aroused suggestions that the siblings shared more than clothes, there is no truth to the rumour that Angie engaged in any menageries a Troy, and she has repeatedly denied that Jimbo was ever anything but a big brother to his l'il sis, even after Jimbo became a zombie.

edit Film Career

Ten years after her first appearance in one of her father's films, Angie appeared in Cyborg 2, at age 17, playing a non-human machine which could mimic human emotions such as fear, pain, love, and hate. In other words, she played herself. Cyborg 2 -- which featured Angie's first nude scene, even though it was only her second film outing -- proved a direct-to-video PoS, and Angie's next film achieved the same level of crap. Her third screen outing proved the charm: Hackers may have been another PoS -- one which was turned down by Katherine Heigl, Heather Graham, Hilary Swank, and Liv Tyler -- but it was the PoS where 21-year-old Angie Voight met then married her co-star, English actor Jonny Lee Miller. It is not true that she married Miller merely to develop an English accent for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; that came six years later. In the interveneing years, Angie starred in 13 films; ten lost huge amounts of money. The three which sactually showed a profit were The Bone Collector, starring Denzel Washington and Queen Latifah; Girl, Interrupted, with Whoopi Goldberg, Vanessa Redgrave, Jared Leto, Winona Ryder and Brittany Murphy; and Gone in 60 Seconds, with Nicholas Cage and Robert Duvall. Along the way, Angie was handed two Golden Globes and an Oscar for playing herself in Gia and Girl, Interrupted; in the latter, amazed audiences by keeping her clothes on.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was produced by, and starred, Angie's father and Angie in the titular role. Ange's perky tits and duck lips shared billing and were much commented on, as was her weird pseudo-Britsh accent -- a foreshadowing of the even weirder accent she adopted for her role as Alex's mum in Oliver Stone's mega-flop Alexander, which starred Angie's then-boyfriend, Colin Farrell, as her son, along with Rosario Dawson's boobs and pubes and a horse with feathered booties.

Jolie had by now hooked up with the rough looking Billy Bob Thornton. Though she was still famous for her family connections, Jolie's career was still showing signs of going goth, goth slasher or playing a 'foreign looking woman who could be dangerous'. When Jolie tried to go for comedies or romantic movies, she was told 'you're no Jennifer Aniston. Jen is the woman Americans want to see having her lips wetted by Ross or Brad Pitt or....' and so on. Jolie was hurt. Revenge would come. Was it in her imagination or was Brad Pitt looking for the rough stuff? If so, Angelina knew how to satisfy that requirement.

edit Brad Pitt

Ajolie09
Angelina Jolie can look like this in Photoshop CSI... me likey.

Once a bit of a pretty boy himself, Brad Pitt was looking to expand his film range. By marrying Jennifer Aniston, he appeared to be in the perfect marriage. Film directors wanted him to appear in some great romantic film with Aniston but the couple declined. When a more off-beat film drama titled Mr & Mrs Smith was offered in 2004, Pitt got the role. Aniston at first seemed quite relaxed, Jolie looked so odd and ugly to her that Aniston thought she had no worries. Why would 'Braddy' fall for her witch-like looking woman when he could come home to her every night, fresh milk cookies and smothery hugs as her presents. So when Aniston got the message that 'Braddy' wanted out of their marriage, Aniston went beserk. In a secret meeting with her old Friends co-stars, all vowed to do their best to 'bury this woman's career'. But it was Jolie who would come out on top (literally with Brad Pitt). Aniston's reputation and career has suffered ever since.

edit Babies

JolieBaby
Mrs. Jolie has dedicated her life to relieving world hunger.

Angelina Jolie was now on the A list, or even the Triple AAA+ list. Now her body underwent changes. Now she shed more and more weight, coming closer to the shape of a cat walk model than an actress. So fast was Jolie's body change shape that when she was asked to provide the voice and digital template physical template of the evil seductress of Grendel's Mother in Beowulf, viewers of the film lamented that the resultant nude shape changer was nothing like Jolie anymore. The film wasn't a success and Jolie's reputation of the ice queen made her unsympathetic screen presence.

Typically Jolie chose this moment to go 'adoptive mother'. It wasn't as if she didn't need children, her and Pitt have had no problems in issuing the next generation of Lindsay Lohans for the electronic media but that wasn't enough. Angelina Jolie wanted to re-create the United Nations under her family roof and has since adopted many children (plus the ones no one except her know about) in competition with Madonna. Brad Pitt was meantime coming under public siege from Jennifer Aniston, claiming that 'anytime', 'Braddy' would leave Jolie and their freaky family and move back in with her. It didn't happen.

edit Future

Angelina jolie
We Know. You want those lips.

Jolie has now moved into arty film direction. Her recent film about the civil war and break up of Yugoslavia recently received an option to be turned into a film comedy for...yes...Jennifer Aniston and Justin Bieber. Expecting Jolie to hit the roof, Aniston was shocked when Jolie called and congratulated her old enemy on the choice. It is understood that Aniston has since backed off.

edit Her Leg

At the 2012 Oscars Angelina Jolie exposed her leg on the red carpet. Admirers say this was Jolie acting in solidarity with the recent Arab Spring but, then again, it could be just about showing off her pins. Desperate advertisers are said to be beating the shit out of each other queueing up to sign Jolie's leg for an advertising campaign to promote hand-signed nylons.

edit Filmography

Beowulf04
Pixels can lie. Ray Winstone is lot better looking than this body double!
  • Incest. 1993 (TV only. The Home Bedroom Movie Channel).
  • Grrr. 1996.
  • Girl Grinding. 1998.
  • Pushing Drugs. 2000.
  • Lara: Accent Raider. 2001.
  • Lara:Why Hasn't Anyone Got Me Out of this Franchise? 2003.
  • Colin Farrell's Mother. 2004.
  • Stealing New Husband. 2005.
  • Leaving Old Husband. 2006.
  • Anglo-Saxon Pixel Candy . 2007
  • Ready Salted. 2009.
  • My Wet Ass. 2010.
  • My Right Leg. 2012.
  • Boring Movie No One is Ever Going to Watch but Will Win Awards as Everyone Wants Me to Turn Up. 2012. (Director Only).
  • My Left Leg. (pre-production). Release date 2013.

edit Gallery

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