Angelina Jolie
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“In Soviet Russia, Angelina Jolie masturbates to YOU!!”
~ Soviet Russia on her
“She so ugly, she should cool down and do her classwork. Sheesh!”
~ Meng Hor
Angelina "Sexy" Jolie is renowned as one of the most famous sexy bitches in the modern world. Empress Jolie, as she is called by her subservient male slaves, is also the most powerful woman in the world. She is married to Dylan from that one game everyone loves. In 2005 it was reported she made a sex tape with Dylan, however seeing as it was made in a movie called Angelina gettin' Banged, the authorities could not arrest her for this offense, since then any sex tapes involving Angelina had on her and Dylan, and doggy style is their latest movie they did together and it can be found at any decent porn site. She is also well known for her awesome acting style of simply talking in a sexy voice while never changing expression despite being surronded by explosions and/or bullets. You want her big boobs and furry pussy.
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[edit] Early history
In 1992 she fell while sucking Dylan's cock and her lips puffed up. Since that moment shes been the sexiest hollywood bitch thats ever lived.
From 1995 her acting career went from strength to strength, going from being noticed in supporting roles to landing major starring roles, culminating in her Oscar-winning role as Lara Croft for the Ingmar Bergman-produced Tomb Raider in 2001. In order to prepare for this film, Angelina Jolie lived for six months in a cave with Dylan, and getting constantly man handled every five seconds.
Jolie is a proud humanitarian and the owner of the random African orphan population, so she is courted by the GAP corporation. She has promised the UN to persuade only kids who are black.
At some mysterious point in time, women and manly men everywhere decided she was the hottest girl ever.
[edit] Lips
Her lips are the greatest creation ever. They are so sexy and make every, boy, man, gay boy, gay man, girl, woman, lesbian girl, lesbian woman, and animal jizz upon seeing them. Of course it is widely known that Jolie love the taste of a thick hot load on her lips and tongue - recently quoted in the June issue of Jent magazine she said "who doesn't love the taste of a man, yummy!"
[edit] Censorship
In the landmark case The People vs. Angelina Jolie's Lips on May 19, 1990, the US Supreme Court ruled in favor of classifying Jolie's lips as her oddly misplaced second incarnation of female genitalia. The following week, strict FCC guidelines prohibited any and all display of Jolie's lips on cable or network television due to their resemblance to an engorged vulva. A public outcry from her beloved fans protested the censorship on the grounds that the government was guilty of violating Jolie's First Amendment rights of freedom of speech as deaf people could no longer read what her lips were saying when they watched her films on television.
[edit] Threat to National Security
The United States government currently deems Angelina Jolie's lips a threat to national security. President Barack Obama in collaboration with the UN has issued full, absolute approval to wage war against her lips. In an articulate, moving speech before a worldwide audience of television viewers, President Obama expressed the reasoning behind such a unified effort in the following exercept:
“My fellow Americans and people of our allied nations, it should come to no surprise that Angelina Jolie's lips are a cause for concern to the free world. Her lips alone have exacerbated world hunger by at least fifty percent with their insatiable appetite for lollipops. And by consuming the many children of developing nations, they have torn countless healthy families apart. No longer will the United States and its allies stand by and watch the tyranny of Ms. Jolie's lips unfold day by day. It's time for us to bust those luscious lips so that we may send them back to hell and wrapped around Satan's cock once more!”
~ President Barack Obama addressing the world
The United States and one unknown nation of the UN remain embroiled in a costly war with Angelina Jolie's lips, which has claimed the virginity of thousands of young men and women.
[edit] Rumors
- Has no children
- She has fake lips.
- Has no friends
- The previous rumors were just rumors none of them are true.
[edit] Family
After an incident at the Oscars with her brother, she had to deny various rumors that the two of them were involved in an unthinkably gross relationship which they aren't!. In an interview with New York Times, she stated, "My sex life is quite normal. I love having sex so much I beg my husband to fuck me every second of my life. I even lost my virginity at the relatively young age of 11."
Despite recent allegations by SNL that Jolie has acquired extra babies from either Space or Russia, none are as freaky-deaky as the latest place that she has sourced babies from, namely her Womb on Mars. This amazing piece of technocrap has allowed the Oscar-winner to excrete babies whenever she cries on-screen at the same time as the director insists on using her veiny forearms in closeup to add definition. For every tear that is shed, another baby pops up. All that has to be done is a mission to Mars to collect them. When questioned by journalists regarding what sort of goofball president would send men to Mars at the behest of an actress, Barack Obama responded "have you seen Jolie, I mean close-up, damn!" Angelina herself is repeated as having said much the same; and why wouldn't she, having become stuck between two of London Heathrow's three mirrors during a celeb visit to the third world. Whilst in London Angelina, who clearly doesn't eat Denny's Hash Browns, was nonetheless heard to say "why on earth are British hash browns little triangles of crap? If I wanted little triangles of crap I'd visit Triangular Crap Land". This was of course created in her honour by suck-up entourageists mere minutes afterwards, but still the decent hash brown evades the UK audience.
I bet Angelina could make Maple Sauce on Bacon, and Tabasco on Egg happen, though. Just with her thighs.
[edit] Catfight
In the women's toilet after 2006 Grammy awards, Jennifer Aniston walked up to the sexy Queen, and the following catfight ensued.
"You have some nerve", said Aniston, "You stole Dylan from me. How could you?"
"Sorry darling", replied Angelina, "He chose me because I'm younger, bustier, taller, stronger, sexier and better than you in every way. I'm not some sympathy-seeking pathetic TV actress."
Jennifer then slapped Angelina, breaking her hand but having no appreciable effect on Jolie, who then blew on Jennifer knocking her over. Angelina got on top of Jennifer and gave her a huge sloppy wet kiss clamping those bigs lips right over her face. Jennifer struggles, but she can't see and Angelina is too heavy to buck off. Anyway, Aniston goes still but (unknown to Jolie) still alive but in a paralysed state, as Jolie drives off in her thermodynamic car which is spotted leaving by Angelina's friends who rush in in the hope of maybe a role in a new film sequel to Friends.
Seeing this, Vince Vaughn also dumped Jennifer Aniston and is now trying to get a golf game going with Dylan. Whatta jerk.
Jennifer Aniston finds a sinister doctor who produces a million clones of her, even Angelina can't take a million of her in one go!
[edit] Slaves
Mistress Jolie also has an army of willing male slaves she had won over from her $50,000 a month "job" at the UN. The slaves run around her, breathing "Goddess,Goddess". The most prominent of her slave army (which she had also conquered in 2004 from Alexander) includes 'BAN THE MOON'.
In 2006, Angelina sold three of her children into freedom, to the Nestle factory in Mumbai in India, and in exchange she recieved 240,000 Indian children which she keeps in her black polethene bag that she often is seen holding at the various events she attends.
[edit] Children
Stated in the The Holy Hottie Cock Sucking Law Bible: With Big Lips and a Sexy Body, Chapter 666, Paragraph 69, Line 27 reads "...No cocketh may be suckethed without legal confrontation." Roughly translated, it means her fans will never get it and have to beat it. Angelina used to swallow dogs before she met Dylan. He converted her eating habits and she now loves bathing in human sweat. Whilst drinking vampire blood. She actually owns a vampire..That's right...I went there
As of January 2009, Angelina Jolie is mother to 28 children. All of her children have a minimum of 7 ethnicities, with the highest being 12. Hoping to expand her world empire to 30, she recently bidded in a heated auction against Madonna.
[edit] Filmography
- Assmasters (2010) In production - plays anal nurse
- Taking without parents consent (2008)notice .... Herself
- The Sexy Bitches Show - Television Series (2009) .... Sexy Bitch
- Spider-man and his Amazing Friends - Television Series(1981) .... Firestar
- Lookin' to Get Out (1982) .... Mouthful Jolie
- Cyborg 2 (1993) .... Casella 'Cash' Reese
- No one ever rents Cyborg 1
- Alice & Viril (1993) .... Alicewoyuld
- Without Evidence (1995) .... Jodie Swearingen
- Hackers (1995) .... Kate Libby/'Acid Burn'
- Mojave Moon (1996) .... Elanyoneeanor 'Elie' Rigby
- Love Is All There Is (19if96) .... Gina Malacici
- Foxfire (1996) .... Margret 'Legs' Sadovsky
- Playing God (1997) .... Claire
- Gia (1998) (TV) ..wonder.. Gia Marie Carangi, only hotter
- Hell's Kitchen (1998) .... Gloria McNeary
- Playing by Heart i(1999) .... Joan
- Pushing Tin (1999) .... Mary Bell
- The Boner Collector (1999) .... Amelia Donaghy
- Boy, uninterrupted (1999) .... Lisa Rowe
- Done in Sixty Seconds (2000) ....'Sway
- The Brad Pitt kfdhsiuversion. How did he hold out so long?
- Adopted in Sixty Seconds (2000) ... 'Sway
- Oh My God, My Tits Popped Out! (2000) .... Inconsequential
- Dora the Tomb-Raiding Explorer: Barely Legal (2001) .... Dora
- Original Shit (2001) .... Julia Russell/Bonnie Castle
- Life or Something Like It (2002) .... Lanie Kerrigan
- Dora the Explorer: Rocking the Cradle (2003) .... Dora
- Taking Lives (2004) .... Illeana
- Taking Heroin (2004) .... Illeana
- Taking without owner's consent (2004) .... Illeana
- Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004) .... Franky
- Firefox (2004)
- browser-based sequel to Foxfire (1996).
- Good Morning Vietnam.... It's Time for Adoption! (2006)... Herself
- Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) .... Jane "Sexy Lips" Smith
- Jennifer Aniston's Sex Life, Interrupted (2005).... Herself.
- Mr, Mrs. & Mrs. Smith (2006?) .... In production.
- sequel, reportedly costarring Billy Bob Thorton. In a Menage a trois.
- I am soooooo much better than YOU (2006) .... Herself.
- Saturday Night Live (NBC-TV, various episodes, 2009) .... "Abby Elliot"
- Jon Voight Celebrity Roast (Comedy Central, 2010) .... Insane Woman With Knife Who Rushes The Dais
- Changeling: A Tranny's Story (2011) ... Tranny
- Dark Knight in Love (2012) .... Selina/Catwoman
- Cradle Raider (2016) .... Lara Croft
- (Not) Wanted (Anymore) (2027) .... Sexy Assassin that has a nice ass for 65 and can work a gun (Pump action)
[edit] Death
In 2027 While on trip to Texas with her 90,000 children. She was killed by a dick in her mouth that had a 10 inch diameter and was 15 inches long, her husband thought she could take the "whole thing".
[edit] Trivia
- Sometimes when Angelina opens her mouth it's immediately filled with cock.
- Current record holder of the world's heaviest lips at a staggering 8 lbs.
- Once swallowed an entire boatload of
semenseamen while on vacation in Peru. - She voiced Kumatora in Mother 3/Earthbound 2. The game was recalled for Gbas' breaking due to cum squirted on them.
[edit] Jolie vs. Aniston
| Code |
| |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Age | Dust | gotta be in her 80s now, right? | ||
| Height | Depends on how tall the guy she's blowing is | Depends on which 7/11 she's leaving. | ||
| Weight | 12 ounces | How much does an Adam's Apple weight again? | ||
| Born | With oversized lips | In a Jersey brothel | ||
| Income | Any amount that will make her take her shirt off | Ceramic Dildos | ||
| Ex | Brother | John Mayer, Vince Vaughn, Brad Pitt.. I'm gonna stop so she won't kill herself. | ||
| Plus points | She's got fabulous ti--- timing... | She... um... has... a nice.. smile.. ? | ||
| Sexuality | Strai- Lesb- Broth- Who cares. | Who ever will treat her like shit | ||
| What would happen if these 2 have a catfight | Try and curve a bullet at her, but dislocate her shoulder. | Sick Marley at her.. | ||
| Enemies | Food | Time | ||
| Obsessions | Adoption | Body Odor | ||
| Weak points | Hungry children | |||
| Why we like her | Ages wonderfully like fine wine | Ages like Milk | ||
| Most famous for Portraying | Lisa Rowe in 'Girl, Interrupted' | Rachel Green on "Friends" | ||
| sexiness rating | 100% | -1% | ||
| Aliases | Temptress Incestress | "Rachel Green" | ||
| Now dating | her brother | Anyone | ||
| Juden? | NO | Rumored to like Bagels | ||
| Results | Steals coveted position on cover of People magazine from Aniston | Condemned to look at Jolie every week on her free copies of People magazine |
