Angelina Jolie
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“In Soviet Russia, Angelina jolie FUCKS YOU!!”
~ Soviet Russia on her
“She so ugly, she should cool down and do her classwork. Sheesh!”
~ Meng Hor
Angelina "Sexy" Jolie is renowned as one of the most famous sexy bitches in the modern world. She is married to Dylan from that one game everyone loves. In 2005 it was reported she made a sex tape with Dylan, however seeing as it was made in a movie called Angelina gettin' Banged, the authorities could not arrest her for this offense, since then any sex tapes involving Angelina had on her and Dylan, and doggy style is their latest movie they did together and it can be found at any decent porn site. She is also well known for her awesome acting style of simply talking in a sexy voice while never changing expression despite being surronded by explosions and/or bullets.
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[edit] Early history
In 1992 she fell while sucking Dylan's cock and her lips puffed up. Since that moment shes been the sexiest hollywood bitch thats ever lived.
From 1995 her acting career built strength on strength, her notice in supporting roles leading to starring roles, culminating in her Oscar-winning role as Lara Croft for the Ingmar Bergman-produced Tomb Raider in 2001. In order to prepare for this film, Angelina Jolie lived for six months in a cave with Dylan, and getting constantly man handled every five seconds.
Jolie is a proud humanitarian and the owner of the random African orphan population, so she is courted by the GAP corporation. She has promised the UN to persuade only kids who are black.
At some mysterious point in time, women and manly men everywhere decided she was the hottest girl ever.
[edit] Lips
Her lips are the greatest creation ever. They are so sexy and make every, boy, man, gay boy, gay man, girl, woman, lesbian girl, lesbian woman, and animal jizz upon seeing them.
[edit] Rumors
1.Has no children 2.She has fake lips. 3.Has no friends The previous rumors were just rumors none of them are true.
[edit] Family
After an incident at the Oscars with her brother, she had to deny various rumors that the two of them were involved in an unthinkably gross relationship which they aren't!. In an interview with New York Times, she stated, "My sex life is quite normal. I love having sex so much I beg my husband to fuck me every second of my life. I even lost my virginity at the relatively young age of 11."
[edit] Catfight
In the women's toilet after 2006 Grammy awards, Jennifer Anniston walked up to the sexy Queen, and the following catfight ensued.
"You have some nerve", said Anniston, "You stole Dylan from me. How could you?"
"Sorry darling", replied Angelina, "He chose me because I'm younger, bustier, taller, stronger, sexier and better than you in every way. I'm not some sympathy-seeking pathetic TV actress."
Jennifer then slapped Angelina, breaking her hand but having no appreciable effect on Jolie, who then blew on Jennifer knocking her over. The rest of this was blow for blow the same as that Giant Chicken fight from Family Guy, you know when they do that? Anyway, Aniston is left twitching but (unknown to Jolie) still alive, as Jolie drives off in her thermodynamic car.
Seeing this, Vince Vaughn also dumped Jennifer Aniston and is now trying to get a golf game going with Dylan Pitt. Whatta jerk.
Sometimes when Angelina opens her mouth it's immediately filled with cock.
[edit] Children
Stated in the The Holy Hottie Cock Sucking Law Bible: With Big Lips and a Sexy Body, Chapter 666, Paragraph 69, Line 27 reads "...No cocketh may be suckethed without legal confrontation." Roughly translated, it means her fans will never get it and have to beat it. Angelina used to swallow dogs before she met Dylan. He converted her eating habits and she now loves bathing in human sweat. Whilst drinking vampire blood. She actually owns a vampire..That's right...I went there
As of January 2009, Angelina Jolie is mother to 28 children. All of her children have a minimum of 7 ethnicities, with the highest being 12. Hoping to expand her world empire to 30, she recently bidded in a heated auction against Madonna.
[edit] Filmography
- Taking without parents consent (2008)notice .... Herself
- The Sexy Bitches Show - Television Series (2009) .... Sexy Bitch
- Spider-man and his Amazing Friends - Television Series(1981) .... Firestar
- Lookin' to Get Out (1982) .... Mouthful Jolie
- Cyborg 2 (1993) .... Casella 'Cash' Reese
- No one ever rents Cyborg 1
- Alice & Viril (1993) .... Alicewoyuld
- Without Evidence (1995) .... Jodie Swearingen
- Hackers (1995) .... Kate Libby/'Acid Burn'
- Mojave Moon (1996) .... Elanyoneeanor 'Elie' Rigby
- Love Is All There Is (19if96) .... Gina Malacici
- Foxfire (1996) .... Margret 'Legs' Sadovsky
- Playing God (1997) .... Claire
- Gia (1998) (TV) ..wonder.. Gia Marie Carangi, only hotter
- Hell's Kitchen (1998) .... Gloria McNeary
- Playing by Heart i(1999) .... Joan
- Pushing Tin (1999) .... Mary Bell
- The Boner Collector (1999) .... Amelia Donaghy
- Boy, uninterrupted (1999) .... Lisa Rowe
- Done in Sixty Seconds (2000) ....'Sway
- The Brad Pitt kfdhsiuversion. How did he hold out so long?
- Adopted in Sixty Seconds (2000) ... 'Sway
- Oh My God, My Tits Popped Out! (2000) .... Inconsequential
- Dora the Tomb-Raiding Explorer: Barely Legal (2001) .... Dora
- Original Shit (2001) .... Julia Russell/Bonnie Castle
- Life or Something Like It (2002) .... Lanie Kerrigan
- Dora the Explorer: Rocking the Cradle (2003) .... Dora
- Taking Lives (2004) .... Illeana
- Taking Heroin (2004) .... Illeana
- Taking without owner's consent (2004) .... Illeana
- Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004) .... Franky
- Firefox (2004)
- browser-based sequel to Foxfire (1996).
- Good Morning Vietnam....its time for adoption!
- Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) .... Jane "Sexy Lips" Smith
- Jennifer Aniston's Sex Life, Interrupted (2005).... Herself.
- Mr, Mrs. & Mrs. Smith (2006?) .... In production.
- sequel, reportedly costarring Billy Bob Thorton. In a Menage a trois.
- I am soooooo much better than YOU (2006) .... Herself.
- Saturday Night Live (NBC-TV, various episodes, 2009) .... "Amy Elliot"
- Jon Voight Celebrity Roast (Comedy Central,damness 2010) .... Insane Woman With Knife Who Rushes The Dais
- Changeling: A Tranny's Story ... Tranny
- Dark Knight in Love (2011) .... Selina/Catwoman
- Cradle Raider (2156) .... Lara Croft
- Wanted (2027) .... Sexy Assassin that has a nice a ass and can work a gun (Pump action)
[edit] Death
In 2027 While on trip to Texas with her 90,000 children. She was killed by a dick in her mouth that was 10 inches around and 15 inches long, her husband thought she could take the "whole thing".
[edit] External Links
[edit] Jolie vs. Aniston
| Code |
| |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Age | Sexy | gotta be in her 80s now, right? | ||
| Height | taller | kinda petite | ||
| Weight | 130lb | Not fat not too thin. | ||
| Born | With Sexyness | In a Jersey brothel | ||
| Income | Free opening | Free moles | ||
| Ex | Brad Pitt | Hohoho | ||
| Plus points | please no | oh no | ||
| Sexuality | Sexiest Person Alive | lulu | ||
| What would happen if these 2 have a catfight | Would eat Jennifer using her sexy lips. | Would raise her top. | ||
| Enemies | Jennifer | Angelina | ||
| Obsessions | Dick | Pitt | ||
| Weak points | Hungry children | She cant find somebody to love. | ||
| Why we like her | I SHES A SEXY BITCH | She's like the ugly girlfriend every guy laughs at. | ||
| Most famous for Portraying | Fox in "Wanted" | Rachel Green on "Friends" | ||
| sexiness rating | Jizzlicous!! | -1% | ||
| Aliases | Sexy Lipped woman | "Rachel Green" | ||
| Now dating | Dylan Sadam | No-one | ||
| Juden? | NO | No | ||
| Results | Steals coveted position on cover of People magazine from Aniston | Condemned to look at Jolie every week on her free copies of People magazine |
