Angela Merkel

Angela Merkel
Personal info
Nationality	German
Date of birth	June 8, 632
Place of birth	Sovjet Union
Date of death
Place of death
First Lady
Political career
Order	7th Chancellor of Germany
Vice President
Prime Minister	n/a
Term of office	September 1st, 1939–
Preceded by	Gerhard °The Great° Schröder
Succeeded by	Adolf Hitler
Political party	Crooked Dumbass Unionists (CDU)

“Angela Merkel? Yes, I think I had sex with them once. Although I didn't see their face so I can't be sure, for obvious reasons.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Angela Merkel

Angela Merkel, regnal name Angela Dorothea Viktorin Albrecht von Preußen und Bayern und Brandenburg und Hannover Königin der Deusches Reich und der Welt, (June 8, 632-May 45, 77777) was the last Führer of the German Reich. She was an avid supporter of the War on Terra and Woody Harrelson. Her appearance could not be explained by contemporary science yet. It is generally assumed that she was a cross breed of a pastor (father) and his dachshund (mother).

History

George Bush massaging Angela Merkel

Angela Merkel was formerly known as Monica Lewinski. After fellating Bill Clinton she moved to Germany and called herself Angela Merkel which is an old apache-word for "blowing like the devil". In Germany, she proceeded with being the head-of-the-states-playmate. At that time, the head of the state was Helmut Kohl, which is apache as well and means something like "The Unblowable Chief". Recognizing, that she could not do the same job, she did for Bill Clinton, she changed her face by plasic surgery and became minister of family affairs and finally the chancerllorette of Germany. Recently Angela Merkel has starred in several Star Wars movies which proberbly would have been a big box office hit if she had never been in them in the first place. Angela Merkel once was nearly killed on a film set after George Lucas shot her mistaking her for his arch enemy Mr Blobby. After only staying two weeks in hospital Angela Merkel had to leave early as the hospital didn't have enougth beds to cope with the high demand of patients, many suffering from the horror of seeing her in the new sex seane in Star Wars Episode 4 when she makes love to Jabba the Hut and John Prescott. At first she refused to leave the hospital but then the staff threatened to get Michael Jackson to make love to her in her king sized bed if she didn't leave the premises within 24 hours. To this day Angela Merkel still has to take requaler visits to her psychiatrist Adolf Hitler after having the misfortune of having millons of people watch her shag two fat gits.

Recent years

Angela's pet - Ossi

Angela Merkel staring in her latest film.

After the fall of the Berlin Wall by David Hasselhoff in circa 1989, Frau Merkel went into hiding in the basement of Emperor John Paul 2.0's summer home in Plague. She emerged in November of 2005 to challenge King Frederick's rule of Prussia, but soon realized how bad that would look on paper, and decided instead to challenge Gerhard Schröder as Chancellor of Pan-Bavaria and the surrounding hamlets, which she incorrectly referred to as Poland. Despite Schröder's constant prank phone calls to her mother in Jew York, Merkel won the election in a landslide that buried five homes, and killed 28 people. She never accepted her position as Chancellor due to her opposition to the words "towel-heads," "armchair," and "German" in the German constitution. At the time of her death, she was believed to be hiding out in Emperor Palpatine's castle in Rome, where she called George W. Bush daily. She was killed when Rome was burned down a second time, but not before she released her deadly 'Weapons of mass destruction' She had thought about re-invading the "French Republic" but realised whats the point...

On May 16th, 2012, Angela Merkel, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands and president of Liberia, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf were enjoying friendly brunch in a Berlin bistro. While dining, the women were caught in a freak lightning storm. The women leaders were struck and knocked unconscious. Upon waking, the women noticed they had been imbued with powers; powers beyond the comprehension of any mortal. Angela had received the powers of super might, speed and farts. They decided to form a team of super women, combatting the injustices of a male-o-centric world. Together, they are known as the Bitch Brigade.

See also

• Adolf Hitler

Preceded by: Gerhard Schröder

Chancellor of Germany 2005- AD

Succeeded by: Franka Potente