Andrew Puzder

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

His excellency saint sir Andrew Puzder, arch mage of labor, duke of Hardees, baron of CKE, marques of Missouri, viscount of the Santa Barbara Restaurant Empire, and earl of Carls Junior.

edit History

Andrew Puzder attended Kent State but dropped out in 1970 after the Ohio national guard declared it student season on the Kent State game preserve. For the next three years he went to concerts before working at a guitar shop and earning a degree in history, where he became envious of all the modern legal restrictions preventing him from amassing a fortune the way America used to. After graduating from McDonaldland with a degree in law in 78 he became a corporate lawyer. Realizing the bigger money was in pro life baby factories he became Missouri's star anti abortion attorney. His time as the head of the Task Force for Mothers and Unborn Children was cut short in 89 when a journalist wise guy from The Riverfront Times asked the old vaudevillian stumper of a question as to whether he still beat his wife, Puzders response was a prompt resignation.

After Missouri House Bill 1596 was challenged by the supreme court in 1989 he opened the seventh seal to state level restrictions of abortion. It was around this time he met Carl Karcher, founder of Carl's Junior at a cross roads on a full moons night. In 91 he moved out to Orange County and began climbing the corporate ladder of restaurant chains. Puzder bailed his buddy out of bankruptcy with the help of Fidelity National Financial, as Executor Vice President and Counselor General, where in 95 he would have one of the largest legal fiefdoms in the country. Together Puzder and William P. Foley conquered the warring restaurant states and consolidated them into the Santa Barbara Restaurant Empire. In June 2000, he was appointed duke of Hardee's Food Systems, Inc by the knights of the round board room at castle CKE Restaurants.

edit Political career

In 2011 Mitt Romney called for a corporate chevalier to command his crusade for the white house. Although the first crusade failed as the Kenyan Muslim sultanate continued to occupy Americas holy land, sir Puzder's efforts caught the attentions of Donald Trump, Americas once and future king, who rose from the depths of billionaire squalor to attain the highest office in the kingdom of America. Trump appointed Puzder to his court as senior financial wizard. After the miraculous Trump victory Pope Francis declared him as patron saint of cutbacks.

edit Positions

You would think that his extended sabbatical and being staunchly pro life would means Puzder would be big on paid maternity leave sick leave and a higher minimum wage for working mothers, and if you're a model in a bikini and the child happens to be his he well might, but otherwise than no. He opposes a 15 dollar minimum wage as it will lead humanity into a dark future ruled by machines. He than realized how amazing this automated future actually sounded as machines are, "always polite, they always upsell, they never take a vacation, they never show up late, there's never a slip-and-fall or an age, sex, or race discrimination case. The terminator would never leave him. It would never hurt him, never shout at him, or get drunk and hit him, or say it was too busy to spend time with him. It would always be there. And it would die to protect him."

Personal tools