Anal sex
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“Not my cup of tea, but then again, I don't drink tea... *wink*”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Oh yes, there, just there, stick that in my ass, big boy.”
Anal sex is a form of birth control practised by the godless and men lucky enough to have a partner with slack morals. As the rectum provides little natural lubrication, the consumption of beer by the receiving partner is required to achieve penetration.
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[edit] Anal sex in history
Until recently it was believed that heterosexual anal sex was merely an urban myth. Sociologists argued that this myth functioned to keep men faithful by holding out the continual (but never to be realised) promise of getting inside her ass if only he hung around long enough, and did the dishes, and took out the trash, and fixed the broken cupboard door.
However, historians have now uncovered a number of secret documents in the Vatican Archives which show that the Roman Catholic Church had been actively suppressing the truth about anal sex for centuries. It appears that the Church wished to preserve this act exclusively for the Biblically-endorsed relationship between priest and chorister.
[edit] Ancient anal sex
It is now known that the ancient Greeks and Romans often engaged in anal sex, despite their lacking a modern sense of sexual orientation. As long as they were powerful enough, the toga-wearing degenerates could stick their joysticks in the butthole of any servant or woman they felt like. The penetrated partner was known as a sperma suscipio (Tom Cruise, in modern English), while the penetrator was referred to as the Eltonius (no English equivalent exists).
Little is known of anal sex from the time of the classical writers to the mid 17th century. Anne Bradstreet, as well as being the first great female American poet, was also an enthusiast of taking it in her exit hole. Her ability to link anal sex with the political and economic condition of women remains unsurpassed to this day:
If with thy hard Johnson thou canst make stay,
I crave this boon, this errand by the way:
Do take me from behind and spread my cheeks,
Show me the pleasures not denied the Greeks.
My wanton thoughts, my groans, my lub'd-up rear,
My cries, my throbbing ass, don't you want these, dear?
And, if you love, why not in there abide?
My butt is more than all the world's behinds.
Similarly, in a little-read passage from his autobiography, Benjamin Franklin wrote of an incident during his time as Ambassador to France:
Mr Adams came to visit. I told him of the delights of the ladies of the court, and how they liked nothing more than to have a big American dick shoved up their hairy French asses. Mr Adams declined, saying that he had tried such a thing with Mrs Adams, but that she had simply repeated over and over 'Remember the ladies' until he had quite lost interest. I pity him since, in my opinion, no one will go on to become a great President without first sampling the delights of buttfucking a foreign nation.
[edit] 20th century anal sex
Anal sex once again vanishes from view until the 1940s. It was accidently rediscovered by a young couple in Kansas who had not received any instruction in sex before marriage. As a consequence they had been confused as to which hole was which.
When the Kansas case received attention in the prestigious American Journal of Rectal Medicine, the global homosexual conspiracy (GHC) was pissed that they had not thought of doing it this way first. The GHC implented a major program to 'prove' that anal sex had been used for man-on-man hot rumpy-pumpy for centuries. In the 1950s, museums across the world report well-dressed men with stylish haircuts breaking into their premises after dark and repainting innocent Greek vases to show men on their backs with other men inside them.
Before the 1940s, gay activity had centred around shopping for antiques.
[edit] Anal sex in culture
Anal sex has played a key role in many movies, novels and songs. Not just Last Tango in Paris.
[edit] Ben Hur
In the uncut version of Ben Hur, audiences can see the real reason for all the issues occuring between Charlton Heston and the Roman bloke. The latter had a hard on for him. Close examination of bootlegged scenes (many of which have been posted on YouTube) show the Roman chappy straight up destroying Heston's tight little cornhole. At least one critic has referred to these scenes as 'pretty cool'.
Unfortunately, the cuts made by the censors make the plot meaningless to viewers on late night cable.
[edit] Brokeback Mountain
After watching Brokeback Mountain, Clint Eastwood was reported to have said:
There is no place for anal sex in a western movie. Did the Duke fuck cowboys in the ass? Did Roy Rogers? No! Horses in the ass every now and again, for sure, but never another cowboy.
[edit] Basic Instinct
There is considerable debate as to whether or not Michael Douglas stuffs it up Jeanne Tripplehorn's backdoor in their sex scene. However, since Tripplehorn is regularly voted one of the top five women to do such things to, it must be true.
[edit] Omen III: Final conflict
Where in the Bible does it say that it's wrong for the Antichrist to commit anal rape? Well?
And if the Bible doesn't condemn it, then who are we to do so?
[edit] Why do peope have anal sex?
A major study by K. Y. Buttswype and I. M. Gesass (1984) showed that different reasons were offered by men and women for undertaking anal sex. The results can be summarized as follows:
Men's reasons for engaging in anal sex
- Improves woman's lung, brain and liver functions
- Removes foreign matter from the rectum
- Makes woman's hair shinier
- Is much tighter than the other way since you had your third child
Women's reasons for putting up with anal sex
- Can now have problem-free purchase of both new handbag and expensive pair of shoes
Buttswype and Gesass also identified a number of women who claimed that they preferred anal sex to saying 'leave me alone, I have a headache, I have to get up early in the morning, and I want to finish reading the last chapter of my novel'. By coincidence, none of these women actually existed outside of a limited range of mental hospitals.
The study also found that while most men (183.1%) who had tried it found anal sex to be pleasurable, an identifiable group of men also found the experience pleasurable in the Eltonius position. These men were professional wrestlers, Tom Cruise, Republicans, homophobes, and you.
If you find yourself in a non-consensual Eltonius position, e.g. something was shoved up your ass against your will, there are a limited number of responses available. You can try to enjoy it, scream like you are Whitney Houston until somebody hears you, or repeat over and over to your angry girlfriend that you won't ever again try to take her ass when she's asleep. Or cry like a baby, because that sometimes works.
[edit] Can you conceive through anal sex?
Scientists state that conception through butt-fucking is impossible. However the existence of certain people has put this claim into doubt.
[edit] Psychological explanations for anal sex
Recent theories put forward by Dr Sven Svendsen of the Swedish Institute for Rectal Research (SIRR) shows that when the penis is inserted in a vagina this will induce a womb-like state in men. He controversially suggests that anal insertion produces a getting-back-at-the-old-man feeling.
The father figure is identical with Freud's 'anal character', so ramming your Johnson up your lady´s (or guy's) Hershey Highway is just another way of saying 'Up yours, Dad!'
The Swedish medical community has recently criticized Dr Svendsen for being 'full of shit'. Strangely, this confirms his entire theory.
[edit] How to have anal sex
[edit] Is it necessary to have a partner?
Most normal men have a penis long enough to insert into their own rectum. Even when flaccid. If this does not apply to you, it is highly unlikely that you have a Herbie long enough that any woman (or man) would be vaguely interested in granting you passage to push it up their deep rift of eternal darkness. Sorry.
[edit] Lubrication for beginners
However, the first anal lube was not an instant success. Early experiments caused difficulties for users until the product was renamed and marketed as super glue.
It was a Greek scientist, Professor Trojan Ky, who made the breakthrough discovery that allowed anal lube to become today's success story. In honour of Prof Ky's nationality anal sex is still referred to as 'doing it Greek style'. Ky called his discovery 'Slimy Stuff for Back Passages', a name thought responsible for the complete lack of sales.
The name was changed to anal lube in 1842, and after celebrity endorsement (by Tom Cruise's great-great-grandfather) it became a huge success.
Unfortunately for Prof Ky, Greek patent law meant he was unable to profit from his invention. Or his name. A rival Flemish manufacturer of inferior anal lube cheekily used the good Professor's reputation to market their own version of Slimy Stuff for Back Passages.
In 2009, Ky's descendants finally lost their legal case against the K-Y Jelly Co, and were ordered to either pay costs or allow K-Y's management team free access to the rear end of anyone named Ky in perpetuity.
[edit] Anal lube as sandwich spread
Only if you're Latvian ...or Mexican.
[edit] Songs that refer to anal sex
- The Beatles - Why Don't We Do It In the Butt
- Rolling Stones - Let it Bleed and Brown Sugar
- Led Zeppelin - In Through the Backdoor
- Van Halen - Poundcake
- Boy George - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me
- George Michael - All songs
- Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls and I Want to Break Free
- Filter - Hey Man, Nice Shot
- The Jonas Brothers - Fuck Me in The Ass
- S.O.A.D.D. (System of Aggressive Dumbass Deterioration) - Prison
SongRape - Bette Midler - The Rose
- Paul McCartney and Wings - Mull of Kintyre
- The Police - Message in a Butthole
- The Doors - Back Door Man
- Johnny Lee - Lookin' for Love (in all the Wrong Places)
- Sir Mix-A-Lot - I Like Big Butts
