User:MarloweOfSurrey/An Analysis of Inspirational Quotes

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An Analysis of Inspirational Quotes
By Jonathan L. Harshfield

JonathanHarshfield

A picture of me, with my Peterson pipe. This particular specimen cost me over a hundred dollars! And half a lung...

Jonathan L. Harshfield is a professor of Western Literature at Dartmouth College. He is known for his biting critiques of 19th century novellas, and his lack of friends.

Inspirational quotes have existed ever since sad and depressed people in need of inspirational quotes have existed. These sickly sweet, kitschy vignettes made to uplift downtrodden masses have spread like a metaphorical plague throughout the (metaphorical) herd of human society; some carriers of the disease include "the internet", "chain letters", "social net-working sites", and the like. Throughout my research of the inferior nouveau média, I have stumbled across several examples of inspirational quotes, and because of my inquisitive nature, I was compelled to perform an in-depth analysis of them. I am hoping that these abominations of literature, and many others, will be eradicated swiftly, and painfully.

edit Quote One

Apple Tree Girl

A poor, confused, lady with bisexual tendencies, trying in vain to get the apple on top.

Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...
 
— Pete Wentz

Though I am unfamiliar with Pete Wentz's work in Naïve art, I am sure that he does not have a degree in Biology, at least not one in a reputable college. The latitude of fruit from ground level does not correlate to the quality of the fruit; in fact, what constitutes what is of high quality (or "good") is entirely subjective. If his theory on fruit latitude were correct, strawberries (which grow nearer to the ground), would be vastly inferior to the Davidson's Plum which, in certain culinary circles, is said to "taste like shit". Although this Pete Wentz fellow is using the literary device of metaphor, he is not quite adept in its proper manner of usage. For starters, apples do not resemble females in the slightest, nor does the act of courtship resemble the act of climbing a Malus domestica. This seemingly innocent quote also has unsettling implications: what would the act of eating an apple signify? Should the consumption of the fruit be treated as a sexual innuendo on cunnilingus, or does it literally refer to the act of eating? Is this quote stating that females should wait for the best male suitor to eat them alive? I shall not cogitate on this quote further, for it disturbs me...

edit Quote Two

TetleyBags

The whole grand struggle of living and facing adversity can be easily explained using this Tetley tea bag. Your recent divorce? Rich in antioxidants, bitch.

We are like tea bags - we don't know our own strength until we're in hot water.
 
— Sister Busche

Who is this Sister Busche character? Is she the semi-obscure professional cyclist Mathew Busche? Is she obscure German bobsledder Heinz Busche? I mustn't ponder on the identities of the authors of these horrific quotes. Whoever this Busche person is, she doesn't know much about basic human anatomy. We are not small porous sacs filled with tea leaves, and if we were to be submerged in boiling hot water, instead of creating a satisfying, slightly bitter concoction, we would scream in agony, and jerk reflexively in horrible terror while crying out writhing in pain. Any strength left after being submerged in boiling water would be reserved for attempting suicide by sticking any remaining fingers into the eyes. Even viewing the quote in the metaphorical sense (instead of the literal sense, which I have humorously done before), it would still not make sense: how can releasing tea molecules onto boiling water symbolize knowing our strength during times of adversity?

edit Quote Three

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.
 
— Anne Frank

As someone who has felt the experiences of being afraid, loneliness, and unhappiness, I think I am qualified to say that being outside isn't the best remedy. When I was afraid of being attack by ravenous lions during my infamous tour of the Safari, the last thing I wanted be alone with was with nature's elements; God certainly wasn't helping either. There were no survivors. I do not think that the fellow who wrote this quote really knows the experience of being lonely. During her unfortunate two year tenure in her tiny attic, she was always within a stone's throw of a person, but I am always alone; If I were to go outside, I would still be just as lonely as I was if I was inside.

edit Quote Four

edit Quote Five

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