SAFED, Palestine - U.S. President Barack Obama signed an agreement with Palestinean President Mahmoud Abbas today to trade in the processing of the region's urban rubble, having failed to reach any agreement to stop creating it.
The so-called Trans-Palestinian Partnership will gradually phase out tariffs, duties, inspections, and the role of the U.S. Congress in the movement of Grade A broken concrete blocks across national boundaries.
It was non-alcoholic beverages and mild gratitude to Allah as Mr. Abbas and Mr. Obama publically declared that a Palestine/US economic future "is buried firmly in the trenchant rubble that plagues our streets."
In a candid interview on Israel TV, Mr. Obama said he has thrown in the towel on a peace agreement between Israel and a Palestinian state, as he could hardly get his head around the Wikipedia entry, let alone reason with Abbas. Mr. Obama said at least all parties were better off with a financial agreement in the raw-materials sector.
The employment rate in Palestine also increased by 0.6%, as tens of Palestinians rushed to join the President's new "Palestinian Rubble Liberation Union (PRLU)". At the same time, a "Fatah Debris and General Workers Union" was formed to protect the PRLU Union members from the PRLU, and a "Hamas Union of Fragments" to protect the already established Islamic Rubble Movement. (more...)
June 30: Dare A Younger Sibling To Eat An Insect Day (pictured)
3000 BC - Cain dares Abel to eat a scorpion. Abel does, and falls dead. Cain tries to explain it was an accident, but nobody will listen.
1500 BC - Aaron dares his younger brother Moses to eat a scarab beetle. Moses does so, and the gritty taste convinces him to lead his people from Egypt.
1859 - Oscar Wilde, despondent over not having a sibling to dare to eat an insect or be dared to eat an insect by, consumes an earwig.
1921 - U.S. President Warren G. Harding appoints former President William Howard Taft to the Supreme Court, after Taft successfully attempts to eat a small quantitiy of mosquitoes.
1959 - American actor Vincent D'Onofrio is born, paving the way to a career of acting as though he had just accepted a dare to eat a rather nasty-tasting insect.
1971 - Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, and lowering the threshold at which younger siblings are no longer required to accept bug-related dares to 16.
1999 - The Court of Bermuda sentences Erik Deli to death for putting mosquito paste on his younger brother's sandwhich.
To whom it may concern: I am writing to you today regarding Mr. Nydas, who I understand is applying for a position at your institution. Mr. Nydas is one of the most inspiring students I have ever had the p LOLOLOLOL PENNIS THE MENACE IS MY FAVORITE ACTION FIGURE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG LOL LOL WHOAAAAA THEEEEESE IZ KOOL, Y'ALLS leasure to instruct; though deaf, blind, mute and crippled from birth, he has managed to overcome his circumstances and express himself eloquently through his writing. His essays and stories are for him an adventure, an escape from the terribly unfortunate and hopeless reality of his life. Though he knows he is unlikely to survive the next four years, he remains irrepressibly cheerful and determined to become a famous author of children's books. You and I know this will never happen, but when he turns to you with his empty eyes, his face tragically wasted by leprosy, one cannot but root for him in his battle with the cruel, cruel world.