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Today's Featured Article - HowTo:Fix a computer

Smashed-computer

Computers are marvelously complicated machines, and it is a wonder that they work at all. Unfortunately, because of this, your computer will likely stop working right one day. Maybe you're getting error messages. Maybe it runs slowly. Maybe it won't turn on. Maybe there's a raging fire billowing out from the side of its case. Essentially, it's not working like it's supposed to, and this is a problem.

But why spend big money taking it to a repair shop to be fixed by some barely-competent technician when you could just do it yourself? Fixing a computer may seem intimidating because of the amount of lights, whistles, and technological doodads you may find crammed into your typical computer. Using one is hard enough, let alone knowing how to fix it. Never fear though: you were smart enough to know how to get to Uncyclopedia, so fixing your Uncyclopedia display unit shouldn't be that much harder! Working up the motivation and confidence is the hardest part; it gets much easier from here on out, I promise.

There's a first time for everything, just like stapling toast to a wall. This will be a valuable learning experience for you. You're still probably distressed by your computer's misbehavior; take a minute to slowly inhale and exhale, or maybe go outside for a walk. Clear your mind to achieve the state of zen all great computer repair people use to pull off their magic.

Once you're sufficiently calmed down, brew up a big pot of strong coffee and chug it. You'll need the caffeine for the energy needed to make this work. And remember: you will be able to fix your computer! (more...)

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Yesterday's Featured Article -

Did you know...

*...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
  • ...that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
  • ...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
  • ...that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
  • ...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?

In the news

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Recent Second Front Pages: GreeceHillary!UK election

On this day...

Spacechickens

September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)

  • 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
  • 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
  • 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD
  • 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the chicken dance from chickens at a local farm.
  • 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
  • 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance.
  • 1992 - Vacationing group of retirees attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
  • 2006 - First Annual International Day to talk like a 80's metal singer. Millions attempting to imitate Ozzy Osbourne are instantly shot. Twice.
  • 2007 - In a bid to improve the Aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples.

Today's featured picture

Canadian Soldiers

In order to quell the ongoing strife in the Mideast, the Canadian government has elected to send their elite peacekeeping forces into Afghanistan, Iraq and Mos Eisley.

Image Credit: NewMess1ah
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More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about...

Wotm

WANTED
Name: Bradaphraser (sometimes uses aliases "Bradley" or "Bradafag")
Crimes: hatred of the white peoples of the world, denial of free speech to said peoples, rogue punchlines, and your mother is a whore
Reward for information regarding the accused: Cherry Cake
Contact: prussianblue@yahoo.com


Noobaward

To whom it may concern: I am writing to you today regarding Mr. Nydas, who I understand is applying for a position at your institution. Mr. Nydas is one of the most inspiring students I have ever had the p LOLOLOLOL PENNIS THE MENACE IS MY FAVORITE ACTION FIGURE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG LOL LOL WHOAAAAA THEEEEESE IZ KOOL, Y'ALLS leasure to instruct; though deaf, blind, mute and crippled from birth, he has managed to overcome his circumstances and express himself eloquently through his writing. His essays and stories are for him an adventure, an escape from the terribly unfortunate and hopeless reality of his life. Though he knows he is unlikely to survive the next four years, he remains irrepressibly cheerful and determined to become a famous author of children's books. You and I know this will never happen, but when he turns to you with his empty eyes, his face tragically wasted by leprosy, one cannot but root for him in his battle with the cruel, cruel world.


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