Amy Winehouse

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They tried to take this page to rehab, but we said no, no, maybe... no
Amy Winehouse
Amywheadshot
Date of birth: Boots
Place of birth: Drugs, London
Nationality: Drugs
Died Drugs
Religion Drugs
Spouse Blake Fielder-Civil, 2006-2009 (divorced)
Camilo Sesto, 2009-2011 (died)[1]
Children Lady Gaga
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Amy Winehouse.

Amy WineVodkaWhiskyChampagneCrackGlueInABagHouse was an English portable beehive singer, whose later career was sponsored by the pharmaceutical and alcohol industries until her untimely, if perhaps not-unexpected, early death.

Praised by her fans as the best jazz singer since Scott Joplin's daughter, Janis, screamed into a microphone, Winehouse emerged out of nowhere in early 2000, to become the icon of the Noughties. Whilst she made jazz sexy again, she also got pissed a lot and made a tit of herself on many occassions.

Winehouse did manage to release two albums (Beehive Jazz and Back in Blackpool), but her artistic juices appeared to have drained away when she met and married Blake Fielder-Civil. The more tattoos she added, the less she was able to come up with a decent third album. Winehouse's latter appearances on TV shows or premieres did little to add to her reputation. Her last public performance was in Belgrade, Serbia where she slurred some of the words to her songs, forgot the rest, and then retreated backstage in search of more hospitality vodka.

Early Life

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A young Amy when she was making her first honey.

Born in London, Amy Winehouse wanted to be a singer. However, she hated the then-current music scene and adopted her look from the 1960s. Piled-up hair and tight dresses had been the style of earlier singers like Dusty Springfield and Phil Spector. Winehouse adopted the look and got to work on her voice. But it was her exotic looks that got her first noticed at first.

With her first boyfriend Tyler James, Winehouse recorded a demo tape and video. Music executives who were shown 'the weird looking girl with that voice' thought it would be a novelty to have her on their label's roster. She was marketed as the 'Anti-Manufactured Popstar' and appeared on obscure music programmes to promote her look and first album. But Winehouse refused to do the usual photo-shoots or turn herself into 'Jazz porn' to make it big.

Music Career

"Rehab"

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Is that Lady GaGa? hehe (:

Winehouse burst onto the scene with debut single "Rehab", in which she claimed that she refused to go to rehab despite pleas from her family and friends. The song was awesome but she ended up getting a lot of shit from people because the song was about getting pissed and she was a total junkie in real life, even though plenty of our greatest musicians have been alcoholics, junkies, perverts and all around bastards nobody seemed to give Winehouse a break. Ironically, this song also foreshadowed her impending demise, quite the predictable result when one refuses to go to rehab.

"Valerie"

Winehouse accepted an offer from smug, twattable wanker Mark Ronson to cover The Zutons' "Valerie". Once again, this song gained great critical response - and was the greatest cover since All along the Watchtower. But unfortunately everybody again threw a hissy fit about her lifestyle so she fucked off from the limelight leaving us with shit music like icki Minaj and Justin Bieber. She didn't bother turning up to shoot the video, and rejected Girls Aloud hopefuls were used instead.

Other songs

The singer went on to release another single or two, but, by then, Winehouse had eclipsed her own work by going out with friends and bodyguards on massive alcohol-and-drugs benders. She became a regular visitor of the tabloid newspapers and magazines, usually being photographed getting angry, or lying on the pavement after passing out.

Personal life

Amy Winehouse had meanwhile left her boyfriend and ended up with the oddly-named Blake Fielder-Civil, who was either a record executive or a 'gofer' for the strange requests of various recording artists. The couple hit it off. Within a short time, Winehouse agreed to marry Fielder-Civil. His wedding present to her was rumoured to be Hunter S. Thompson's 'experimental' suitcase.

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Look at those sexy eyes...

Their marriage was tested when Winehouse was accused of having an affair with fellow musician-turned-druggy, Pete Doherty.

Pete Doherty had come to the realisation that he wasn't even good enough to front a band as gash as The Libertines, and in despair, began visiting a crack den (where he would consume tea, of course). It was there that he met Amy Winehouse, who was performing acoustic renditions of her classics to half-dead squatters. The two began hanging together and taking drugs together, and it is believed that Pete Doherty, who genuinely ruins every fucking thing he comes in contact with, was the catalyst in Amy's drug issues, as sources claim that before meeting him, Amy only coked herself up "casually" to wind down at the weekend.

The issue was resolved, and Amy and Blake's marriage was on again - until he was sent to prison for pilot programme Celebrity Cell Time. A distraught Winehouse said she would stand by Blake, before being urged to drop and divorce him. She agreed, but then regretted her decision. Her liking for lanky, sallow men was just another addiction.

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

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Amy checks her heartbeat.

The pressure and stress of being in the limelight took its toll on Amy. Amy eventually entered rehab at the demands of her adopted father and forgiving husband.

Unfortunately, rehab didn't really do much, and Winehouse failed to see the funny side when You Tube videos of 'Amy look-a-likes' sang You're Better off in Rehab, yeah, yeah yeah. Her career was sliding from success to sadness, and now parody. This was picked up on by Disaster Movie, the worst excuse for a film ever devised. In the movie, things were generally made fun of by six brain-dead chimps having a circle-jerk - or, as the credits would have it, "the writers" - in hopes that it would be as successful as Scary Movie.

If you have the stomach to pause the film 0:38 seconds into the scene involving Amy Winehouse, you can actually see the director behind a tree punching a cone. Don't ask why.

Death

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Ms. Winehouse, shortly after her death

Amy Winehouse was found slightly more dead than usual on July 23 2011. This time there was no way back from the edge. She was 27 and is now officially member of the club of musicians who have died after reaching this age like Janis Joplin, Little Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. Hearing news of her death, fans left flowers, empty bottles and scrunched-up cigarettes outside her house. It was another good day for the media and the florists, too. Surprisingly, no one turned up in full AmyWear - there was not a beehive to be seen.

The media plans a 12-minute period of mourning, before moving on to water-skiing squirrels and "trouble in the Middle East". The music industry plans a tasteful and classy tribute, consisting of a series of tell-all books, tacky memorabilia, 'Greatest Hits' packages, and posthumous collections of previously-unreleased songs, all which, of course, will be available at a reasonable price from iTunes and Amazon.com. Also there is plenty of hypocrisy going around too from people who called her an junkie crack whore when she was alive are no calling her a sweet little angel, albiet one who did a shit load of drugs.

See also

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Look up Amy Winehouse in Undictionary, the twisted dictionary

External links


  1. Second marrige: Just kidding.
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