Amy Winehouse

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“Cocaine is an excellent source of 14 essential nutrients”

~ Amy Winehouse on Amy Winehouse

“Every FUCKING DAY i see my neighbor amy and shes fucking her fucking dog i fucking hate that shit.”

~ Billie Joe Armstrong on Amy Winehouse

The number of substances Winehouse has ingested, snorted, inhaled, or injected since you have been reading this:

Amy Winehouse

No image

Date of birth:

Unknown she an old ugly bitch

Place of birth:

Battersea Dogs' Home, UK

Nationality:

English

Religion

Jew (go figure)

Spouse

Blake Fielder-Civil (presumed raped), British Pete Doherty-impersonating champion, 2002, 2004 and 2006

Amy Wine-Vodka-Whiskey-Bourbon-House (sometimes shortened to Amy Beercastle), (1983-2009.....what was that? Shes still alive?), otherwise known as Amy Whinehouse or Valerie, is an English singer, drug-addict, songwriter and undead evil sorceress with numerous dead babies in his/her weave. His/Her diet consists entirely of meth, cocaine, and various "plant" varieties. He/She is a breeding ground for numerous STDs. He/she is also a well-respected philanthropist and activist, being President of the Association for the Elimination of Discrimination of People with Only One Nostril.

His/her most successful single is "Rehab" (about his/her favourite holiday home). On 14 February 2007, he/she won a BRIT Award for Best British Skanky Artist, narrowly beating fellow skanky druggie, Lily Allen. He/she is also the only known 'living' Pharmacy, it was originally believe that this may have been caused by a small amount of blood in his/her drug stream, the amount of blood, however, has been shown to be negligible so to stop this he/she became a fake vampire just like he/she is a fake singer to suck blood.

A United Nations motion is attempting to get Amy Winehouse declared as a major importer of drugs, alongside countries like Iran, Ghana and Russia. The motion refers to the fact that nearly 92.88% of all illegal drugs produced worldwide are consumed by her.

[edit] Early life

Winehouse was born to an Romanian Jewish Muslim family with a history of kitten huffing. He/she grew up in the Battersea Dogs' home, London, and attended obedience school. He/she attended theatre school when he/she was 12 years old but was expelled at 13 for "looking like a drag queen" and not brushing his/her teeth. He/she later attended Rehab in Croydon, London before saying "no no no", that she wouldn't "go go go".

After a traumatic first day at school in which the children and teachers took turns in holding his/her down while others where sitting on his/her face and farting, his/her hair went up in the air and has stayed that way ever since, as a result he/she became addicted to fartium and this progressed to the point that readily available supplies were insufficient for his/her and he/she had to procure it in bottles, he/she went into rehab but soon had to be separated off from everyone else into an airtight room after it turned out that he/she had been bribing nurses to give him/her some.

As of 2008, Winehouse has been selling his/her blood to Keith Richards in an effort to scrape together cash for the purpose of buying more fartium. Keith is sustained primarily by fermented Winehouse blood mixed with gypsy kisses.

It has become world wide news that in April 2009, Winehouse had her first period.

[edit] Personal life

After teh gay huff.

During the promotional phase for Back to Crack, Winehouse appeared repeatedly in the British press with regard to his/her "personal issues" (simultaneously dating Chandler, Joey and Ross, on the side). In September 2006, Winehouse was reported to have dropped 17 dress sizes because of comments made to his/her about his/her non-existent huge ass. In an interview in The Daily Telegraph Magazine, when asked if this was the cause he/she replied "No. No. No. I don't listen to anyone except the voices in my head of the phantom transsexual canines. If someone had said to me, Amy, lose a stone, which they wouldn't, because I have no stones left to lose - I don't think I would have listened anyway."

[1]]]Blake before "The Change." Following his exhumation, Winehouse married Blake Field'o'Dreams (born as a woman named Trina in 989 B.C.) in the cleaner's cupboard at the local Superdrug. B F'o'D (as he's not generally referred to - at all) was originally hanged at Tyburn in 1775 for the crime of being the bastard offspring of "Bernie" (from "A Weekend at Bernie's"), Skeletor and Jennifer Lopez' husband. Oh, and for looking like an whole, and complete spak in that stupid hat he's so fond of.

In 2007, he/she won the 'Heroine Award', the award for the best role model to young girls. the 'e' from 'heroine' was obviously missing from the outside of the venue when the judges got there to decide the winner and therefore their decision was made without any dispute.

In the same month, The Independent published an article about skinny doggies, in which it quotes Winehouse as stating that he/she is a clinically diagnosed transsexual who refuses to take call herself male or female. In October 2006, Winehouse admitted to have previously been affected by haemorrhoids and fleas. " A little bit of fleas, a little bit of haemorrhoids. I'm not totally OK now but I don't think any hermaphrodite is. But my trusty bottle of Kahlua is keeping me OK at the minute."

Later on he/she was diagnosed with Transpolar Disorder, a psychiatric condition featuring a compulsion to circumnavigate the poles, he/she was later sectioned under the Mental Health Act and doctors eventually managed to get his/her to stop watching the film Scott of the Antarctic.

[edit] His Dirty Little Secret i is he

Lady Soupbush, showing his/her other talents.

In the September 3, 2007 issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Winehouse revealed that he/she was actually drag queen Lady Soupbush. The outfit it had been wearing was put together by Soupbush to win a Sarah Silverman lookalike contest. Sadly, Soupbush came in third place, after Sarah Silverman, in second, and Jason Alexander (the first Mr. Britney Spears, not the famous one), in first.

Luckily, a record executive was in the front row trying to score a blow off of one of the judges. He enjoyed Lady Soupbush's entry in the talent portion, and offered it a record contract. This led to more drink and drugs and manties than any drag queen could dare to dream of, making Soupbush the belle of the goddamn ball!

[edit] Death

Amy Winehouse died on July 4 2010 (now known as Independence From Shitty Music Day) of an overdose of horse tranquilizers shortly after the release of his/her third album, Fleas Don't Leave Me. His/her autopsy revealed that his/her street value was over $25 million. His/her death was welcome news to the "died too young and future generations of pretentious assholes think having a poster of his/her up makes them cool" industry, since they have severely depleted the Marilyn Monroe and James Dean reserves, although they will have a second source of income at the same time as the Heath Ledger reserve is ready.

[edit] Sainthood

Shortly after her death the Vatican announced their plan to make Amy Winehouse a saint. Although this shocked many people, it was soon discovered that Winehouse tears (which dried on their own) were actually a cure for every known illness in the world but everyone was too busy solving world hunger to release these cures. As of September 5 2011 Amy Winehouse became Saint Amy of Rehab.