From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Speed is reckoned to aid concentration and wakefulness, allowing the user to stare at the same mundane object for up to 3 days. Other effects include suppression of appetite, tolerance to the effects of alcohol (allowing the show-off pisshead to easily out-drink his mates) and regular desires to go on insane excessively violent killing sprees.
The drug was first synhesised in the 19th Century by some Romanian who liked using it so much he kept his invention to himself to prevent the puritanical anti-drugs freaks from banning it.
In the 1950s the Americans discovered that if they fed their soldiers enough speed it would turn them into amoral killing machines which helped in their efforts to eradicate the civilian populations of Korea and Vietnam.
The drug was banned across the world in the 1970s along with vegetarianism after research showed that Adolf Hitler had been a vegetarian speed addict. Taking speed, enhances your ability to run faster, it is usually found in sports stars who take large amounts of speed in order to become much faster. It is thought that by snorting only one line of this speed enhancing drug that you can take off almost half a second off any running times.
edit Contemporary use
The drug is widely used by people who want to stay awake for days on end, cheating athletes, anorexics, idiots and chavs.
edit Side effects
- Sleep deprivation: Regular users almost always go on a mental killing spree after 4 or 5 days without sleep.
- Suppression of appetite: It is a widely known fact that phet-heads have to force feed themselves orally dissolvable nutrients such as sherbert, Skips and jelly sweets to stay alive. Stupid people that want to look like they are starving to death like to thin themselves down on a diet of speed and cigarettes.
- Immune suppression: Taking a lot of speed can give your immune system a battering. You could get more contagious diseases like colds, flu, sore throats and gayness.
- Tiny dick: The penis shrivels in size, can disappear completely and in rare cases can even invert itself into a male vagina.
Scientists and regular people believe that this is some kind of nervous twitch caused by the drug. Expert users however know that it is an illusion caused by the fact that speed users can travel at supra-light speed. What appears to be a weird twitch to the casual observer is actually the phet-head going somewhere and coming back so fast that it just appears to the inexperienced eye that the Sulph-junkie has just twitched and grimaced like a loon.