American Red Cross
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The American Red Cross (also known as the Red Cross by those who are too lazy to type "American") is an organization that strives to promote health, wellness, well-being, and living well.
The organization was founded to provide support for the victims of demon possession. Today, this is still the Red Cross' primary focus, though in its spare time it enjoys blood letting, organ harvesting, and offering euthanasia services for the elderly. It also the leading natural disaster organization in the United States, staging over 200 such disasters each year.
The American Red Cross is located in Cuba, relocated from its original home of Branson, MO. When questioned about this move, current Red Cross Chief Executive Mark W. Everson remarked, "The IRS was investigating our tax records." However, key members in the organization have leaked that the real reason is because "Mr. Everson really likes the air down there."
Recently, the Red Cross has come under fire for a scam involving the selling of donated blood to vampires. Many proponents of the Red Cross fear that this scam will cause people to lose faith in the organization, causing a drastic drop in blood donations. Noted Red Cross enthusiast and part-time writer J.K. Rowling disagrees, however, saying, "I don't think people will really care that much."
“Never use a crucifix as a tampon.”
edit Clara Barton
Clara Barton, born Clara Barton, (1821-1824) was a health care reformer from Montgomery, Alabama. She originally wanted to become a lawyer, taking classes at the University of Alabama. However, she dropped out of college during the graduation ceremony because it was "too boring," and moved back in with her parents. She spent the next 26 years living in her parents' basement, watching tv and surfing the internet. During this time she developed many of the skills that she would use in the Red Cross, including drawing blood, calming patients, performing neurosurgery, tobogganing, playing poker, piloting a commercial airliner, and saving lives. She vowed to continue living this way until a single event would change her life forever.
edit The Exorcist
On October 29, 1823 a single event happened that changed Clara Barton's life forever. Persuaded by her friends, she reluctantly left her parents' basement to see The Exorcist, a documentary about a routine exorcism gone wrong in small town America.
This single event changed Clara Barton's life forever.
Outraged by the film's light portrayal of crucifix masturbation, Clara Barton began a campaign to put an end to demon molestation of children. Her idea caught on quickly, with family and friends of victims volunteering by the thousands. By 1824 the group had nearly 3 billion members, and on July 27, 1824 was officially chartered as the American Red Cross, headquartered in Branson, MO. Today, the organization has grown to include over 8 billion members in 23 countries worldwide. It now offers a wide range of services that all work to curb demon possession abuse.
edit Nameology and Iconography
Inspired by The Exorcist, Clara Barton decided to name her organization after her favorite scene. She considered such names as "Bloody-toed Jesus," "Crimson Crucifix," and "Savior's Foot" before finally setting on "Red Cross." She later added the word "American" to keep the immigrants out of her organization.
The Red Cross logo was unveiled on August 16, 1825. It consists of the Christian crucifix, showing Jesus looking really pissed off. The bottom of the cross is red, symbolizing the blood shed by girls at the hands of themselves while possessed by demons. Bishop J. H. Bredford of the Roman Catholic Church praised the logo, saying, "It's exactly the message that we've always tried to convey."
“At the end of a fight, don't wash your hands! At the end of the month, don't throw it away! All of you teenagers slitting your wrists, bleed into a bowl! Recycle, Recycle, RECYCLE!”
After Clara Barton's death, she was succeeded by Francine Hendrix, one of the first members of the organization. Like many of the early members, Francine was a survivor of demon possession. Though she managed to pull through, many of her friends and family died in the Great Demonic Possession Disease-Inducing Epidemical Pandemic Scare of 1817, in which many people began to believe that demons were possessing people all over the world. To counteract this, young girls began masturbating with crucifixes so that the demons would assume they were possessed already and pass over them. Approximately 89.36% of the fatalities from this scare were due to excessive vaginal bleeding as a result of this practice.
Ms. Hendrix was determined to curb this statistic. In 1842 she instituted the Bloody Branch of the Red Cross, which was responsible for collecting blood donations and distributing blood to those who needed it. Due to popular demand and aggressive advertising, blood donations quickly became the Red Cross' most renowned attribute.
Today, the Red Cross is synonymous with blood drives in most citizens' minds. The Bloody Branch's blood collecting programs permeate nearly every facet of society:
edit National Blood Volunteer Corps
The Red Cross' feature program, it consists of volunteers who scope out public areas, especially highways, looking for blood deposits. Within minutes of an auto accident, for example, a team of about a half dozen volunteers can be seen on the scene of the accident carrying large buckets. They quickly sponge up the puddles of precious liquid, and transport them back to Red Cross centers for processing.
It's estimated that recycled blood from public places comprises approximately 17% of the estimated 800,000 gallons of blood recycled each year.
edit Gushing Generosity Program
This program calls on private citizens to donate any excess blood accrued throughout the day to the Red Cross. This comprises the largest percentage of the blood received by the Red Cross each year (54%). The program encourages private citizens to collect excess blood from cuts, scrapes, lacerations, etc. in sponges or bowels, and to ship it to the Red Cross. The program especially targets young teens, who have a large amount of excess blood due to injuries from irresponsible behavior, fights, and from slitting one's wrists.
edit Menstrual Madness
This program comprises 27% of the Red Cross' yearly intake of blood. Prior to this program, women frequently discarded sanitary devices after menstruation's completion. However, thanks to this program, many women now make monthly donations to the Red Cross. The blood is separated from the rest of the fluid, and is processed for use in transfusions.
The Red Cross reports that 2-3% of the blood received each year is of "unknown origin."
After the blood is collected, a highly trained team of chimpanzees taste-test it for various pathogens. Then, the blood is washed in a special cleansing agent (water) and vialed for dispensing to the populace.
edit Organ Donation
In 1947 the Red Cross decided to expand its horizons and focus on how demon possession affected the families of the victims. It began this initiative by addressing the countless mothers who had had heart attacks while walking in on their daughters "getting funky with Jesus," as the kids were calling it in those days. It became obvious to the supporters of organ donation that organ donation was a good idea.
edit Live Organ Donation
The Red Cross currently has two types of organ donation. The first, and most common, is called "live organ donation." A potential donor begins by checking the small box on their drivers licenses in exchange for two free movie tickets and a small popcorn. When a person needs an organ, a highly-trained team of high school dropouts arrives at the house of the donor and extracts the organ. Since the contract stipulates that the organ only be removed "in the event of death," this procedure is often fatal.
edit Dead Organ Donation
If a person is important, or just really really rich, she or he can forgo the donor list and receive a "dead organ transplant." In this type of transplant, a matching donor is chosen at random from the FBI DNA database. The person is tracked down and electrocuted to death by a high-voltage cattle prod. The organs are then scooped out of the donor, and a donor card is given to him or her posthumously. This procedure has generated quite a bit of criticism, with opponents of this procedure arguing that the families should be given the movie tickets and popcorn.
An inside look at a typical American Red Cross live organ donation:
edit Euthanasia of the Elderly
“Old people are like Hillary's cooter--dry, smelly, and wrinkly, with lips covered in a nasty yellow crust.”
"1. Old people are a drain on the economy. All of the young people work, while all of the old people get sick and stiff the young people with their medical bills.
3. Old people smell funny.
4. Old people like to give out candy, but the candy sucks.
5. Old people take too long at the supermarket.
6. Old people are all wrinkly and stuff.
7. Nursing homes are overcrowded.
8. Old people wear old people clothes.
9. Old people are cranky.
10. Old people are too old."
edit Cars for Cranks
Originally started for the crankiest of the elderly, this program became so popular that it was expanded to include the entire elderly population. The premise is simple: continue renewing elderly drivers licenses long after they are incapable of driving safely. Inevitably, these drivers will fall asleep at the wheel and crash, killing themselves along with a few annoying teenagers. This is considered by many to be the most humane and effective elderly euthanasia method, so it is the most common one used.
edit Medicinal Murder
Occasionally, an elderly person still has some family members that actually want her or him to stay alive, usually because the debts that would be inherited outweigh the inheritance itself. To prevent them from pressing charges, the nursing home staff simply gives the old person their pills for the week in advance. Undoubtedly, senility will cause the elderly person to take the pills incorrectly, and she or he will die of "natural causes." This method, though highly effective, is rarely used because it is boring.
edit Stair Surprise
If a family member still loves her or his elder, she or he may opt to euthanize him or her herself or himself. This is normally done by maneuvering the elderly person in front of a flight of stairs, and then delivering a hard kick to his or her midsection. If done correctly, the force of the fall will immediately shatter every bone in the person's body, making death instantaneous and painless (while also looking like an accident.) If done incorrectly, the person will suffer horrible pain for hours before dying. This is the method of choice for lawyers, politicians, and leech farmers.
Euthanasia of the Elderly has been a hit with the general population, and the demand for the program increases daily. The only critics of the program are the elderly themselves, who usually die within a week anyways. Due to the large success of this program, the Red Cross is considering similar initiatives for people with mullets.
edit Natural Disasters
“Nothing gets you recognition like cleaning up the mess people forgot you made in the first place.”
Yesterday, The American Red Cross Board of Directors of Health Initiatives and Practices in the Areas Governed by the American Red Cross, Namely America, or Should We Say the United States? (TARCBODOHIAPITAGBTARCNAOSWSTUS, pronounced "tarc bo doe he uh pie tag be tar see now swistus") instituted the Red Cross's newest program: End Natural Disasters (END). This program's stated mission is "to seek to turn natural disasters into natural annoyances by minimizing the negative effects that such disasters have on the United States population."
The name is a misnomer, as the program does not seek to end natural disasters. In fact, the Red Cross is the leading cause of natural disasters, followed by kitten huffing, The Pope, God, and natural causes. The various crews involved stage over 200 such disasters every year.
The Red Cross specializes in a wide variety of natural disasters, including fires, floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, global warming, locust swarming, shark attacks, traffic pile-ups, alien invasions, American Idol auditions, mudslides, killer squirrels, hurricanes, typhoons, political elections, tidal waves, NY Mets games, cyclones, sweaty boot rash, tornadoes, yucky seaweed in the ocean, AIDS, malaria, incest, and Adam Sandler movies. Through the use of modern technology and disaster experts, these disasters are expertly executed to kill or injure a large number of people. The Red Cross's media department ensures that cameras are live on the scene to broadcast the horrible events across the nation, to scare people and bring them to tears.
edit Saving Lives
Once the disaster hits, Red Cross crews immediately swarm the scene. If the disaster is set up properly, the crews will be able to save a small but significant amount of the victims, who usually escape with only a few small mortal wounds. This results in commendations and rewards for the organization's merits. As a representative accepts these rewards, he or she points out that the Red Cross would be able to save even more lives with better funding. This causes an overriding feeling of guilt among those at home who are emotionally devastated by the disaster, and as a result donations come pouring in by the thousands. The income from these donations is used to buy equipment to stage even more elaborate disasters, resulting in more deaths, bigger commendations, and more donations.
edit The Great Blood Scam
“Even a nonprofit organization needs an income.”
Last year, the IRS released a detailed report titled "The Red Cross: Bleeding Out Every Orifice." The report contained 43 years worth of research that uncovered a shocking discovery: that The Red Cross had been continuously scamming the public since the early days of its inception. This shook up the Red Cross's fan base, and caused many groupies to start selling their blood to the circus.
edit The Report
According to the report, the blood drives stopped being about demon possession soon after they began. Count Orlaf, the world's most notorious vampire, approached then-president Francine Hendrix with an offer to buy all the organization's blood for $5.00 US a gallon. She readily agreed, and began selling the blood off by the barrel. Donated blood quickly became the vampires' primary source of blood, eliminating the risks that a normal vampire must take to steal blood from living specimens. This lead to an explosion of the vampire population in the later half of the twentieth century.
Meanwhile, the Red Cross began substituting the blood it donated with Cool-Aid. Oddly enough, it turns out that this substance, when combined with talcum powder, works much better than blood. In light of this, other charity organizations have begun to scrap blood as well in favor Cool-Aid. As a result, blood transfusions have rapidly supplanted cults as the primary users of Cool-Aid.
edit Public Response
Many proponents of the Red Cross fear that this new information will lead to a decline in blood transfusions. However, so far the exact opposite has been the case. Liberal leader John Kerry has praised the scam, saying that, "We as a nation have for too long been blind to the needs of our fanged brethren!" He and other Democratic leaders are currently advocating programs to increase public awareness of vampires and to encourage more people to donate blood for them.
On the other side of the political spectrum, the Republicans are also praising the move. Vice President Dick Cheney is quoted as saying, "Selling donated blood is beyond low. It's wonderful that capitalism's true potential is finally being realized!" Meanwhile, noted party enthusiast Michael Moore insists, "At least we have less homeless now," referring to the biggest consequence from the vampire population increase.