“I find American beer a bit like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.”
American Beer, often confused with either Bat's urine or water, is a low-alcohol beverage actually enjoyed by many Americans and Canadian children. Canadians will often speak of the low alcohol content of American Beer, because it does not cause fun side-effects such as blindness and gonourrhea like Canadian Beer. There is also a disputed difference between the methods of detecting alcohol in each country. When faced with this fact, Canadians will either run away or turn into a purple moose.
Many American beers are not in fact beer at all, but rather beeroids. Others are unclassifiable disease-causing microbes.
American Beer, or Piss Flavored Water as it is more commonly known as, has noble roots, but something went horribly wrong along the way.
When the German, Czech, Belgian (yes, Belgian—don't laugh, I will explain later), Dutch, British, and Irish settlers came to America they brought with them their talent for brewing the best beers in the world. During its early history, American Beers mirrored their European counterparts in flavor and quality, this heyday of American Beers lasted for almost 4 generations and spawned many local breweries that used the best materials in the world for their beers and ales.
It should also be noted that Belgium has over 500 cities, yet over 750 beers that means there are more beer kinds in that little country, than there are fucking villages and cities. while America still has 2 kinds of piss-flavored-water. Pisswater and Pisswater light
These local breweries flourished for years under the strict control of a "Brewmaster" who had complete control over the entire brewing process, but the days of the small family owned breweries would soon come to an end.
With the invention of the assembly line, some enterprising individuals came up with the idea of mass producing these quality brews for not only locals to enjoy, but others across the country. It started out as a good idea, but problems began soon after. Disregard the previous sentence, the idea sucked.
Almost immediately manufacturers realized that finely crafted, quality beers would be impossible to produce in mass quantities at a reasonable price, corners needed to be cut, shortcuts had to be found and compromises had to be made. Thus, the age of modern American Beer began.
Why American Beer Sucks
American beer sucks because Belgian Beer rules. German Beer is decent but it pales in comparison to Belgian Beer. Really, you should only drink Belgian Beer; you could drink German or Czech beer in a pinch if you can't find any real beer, but if you stock up properly you won't ever run out of Belgian Beer. This advice runs counter to the common belief that German beer is the best in the world.
According to many medical professionals, drinking American beer causes impotence, cholera, spastic colon syndrome, leprosy, scurvy, shingles, consumption, dissentry, trench foot, pink eye, ringworm, and explosive diarrhea. However, these same medical professionals also drink American beer, and therefore cannot be trusted.
The process of distilling American Beer begins with its key ingredient: Canadian Beer. The Canadian Beer is consumed by baseball players during Major League baseball games, and then is filtered through the body into the kidneys. The beer is then expunged through the process of urination, into a disinfection chamber, then bottled and cooled for consumption. The net result is a beer that "tastes great" but is "less filling". It is theorized that most of its "filling" (also known as "alcohol") is burned off while on its journey through its respective baseball professionals' bodies.
Recently, the nature of this process has been criticized due to an increase in illegal drugs and chemicals appearing within American Beers. Human rights activists are currently protesting this method of brewing, suggesting that the process should instead utilize liberals and cattle infected with mad cow disease, instead of humans. If this makes sense to you, then you are drunk.
Types Of American Beer
You have two beers: MillerBudCoors, and everything else
MBC is cold filtered hot baseball piss cut with warm tap water, and called "draft" even though it is in a goddamn bottle. Its proponents say that it tastes "cold", even though cold is not a flavor. MBC donates all of its profits to Xtian causes, as they enjoy making beverages for people who hate beer.
"Everything else" is OK, as long as it is made by a guy with lots of tribal tattoos, comes with a funny name, and has a cool label. Most types of "everything else" are made in a garage by a couple of guys who failed high school chemistry but really like getting drunk. Most such brewers refer to their swill as "microbrew" because (supposedly) they make it in relatively small quantities. This is a lie: collectively, microbrewers produce roughly the same amount of beer as MillerBudCouours, but drink most of it before it leaves the garage.
American Beer and Personality
Psychologists have determined that you can learn everything you need to know about a person by the type of beer they drink. George W. Bush drinks a gallon of MBC for breakfast every day because Laura Bush denies him sex, and if he didn't have a few coldies to take the edge off, he might have to go around blowing shit up for no reason. President elect Barack Obama probably drinks Goose Island Beer (from Chicago). Goose Island beer is really good, therefore, it is not an American beer. Unfortunately Goose Island Beer was bought by MBC for $38 million dollars so it is now American and no longer tastes good.