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American History is non-existant. In the interests of pretending to be superior to all other countries, Americans got their top scientists to work for 3 days and 5 nights in a secret bunker hidden underneath Area 51 on the following: American History is short but permiscuis time in the history of the world. It is but 250 years, as compared with the history of that of England, France, Or China, or the crazy reindeer herders up where Santa Claus lives or the place where Jesus was born, who's history reaches thousands of years back in time. But however short American history is, it still follows a very recognizable pattern. It is divided into several stages.
- The Injun Era
- The Drunken Viking Era
- The exploration period
- The genocide period
- The slavery period
- The first boom (aka worldwide ignorance period)
- The Great Depression
- The Second World War
- The Cold War (aka The Nuke Era)
- Dope Smoking Time
- Japanese Occupation Era
- The Bush period (when the royal family was reinstalled for the House of Bush)
- The Great Recession and Obamanation
- The presidency of Robert De Niro
- The Apocalypse
- The Battle of Armageddon
- The Zombie Apocalypse
- The Midget Apocalypse
edit Precolonial Days
About a few thousand years ago America was discovered by many nomadic travelers following large herds of animals, such as mammoths, which they liked to eat. That proves that the first Americans were hardcore Republicans, because Democrats are all tutti fruiti and didn't think eating animals was right. Even back then, they had the American attitude of rebellion and liberty and freedom to do what you want. If God didn't want us eating animals, why do they taste so good? Why do we have appendixes, why do we have teeth designed for eating meat? and james elliot is well strange. The good Lord did not make them like that, unless it said in Genenis that it said eat anything besides the fruit from the tree of life, located in a small farm in West Virginia. They were probably some nuts from former Czechoslovakia while was a lot of regulations going on at that time.
edit "Discovery of America"
In 1400 and 92, Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue, in hopes of finding a new route to someone named Cathy. Many elementary school classes stress that Christopher Columbus "discovered" America, this is clearly true because my elementary school book says so. Columbus actually discovered The Bahamas not America but the Bahamas was not even an actual country er vacation spot back then because it was claimed by the British before Columbus even set foot in the country. With the expansion of the British empire, the British had claimed anything west of the local McDonalds joint by Big Ben there's. Many historians, however, now know that the Vikings were the first real people to come to America. Not the ones that play for Minnesota and didn't make the super bowl in 1010 because Brett Favre was screwed by the Saints. Adrian Peterson accidentally fumbled a runstone and started a curse that the Vikings will not return for thousand years and then finally defeat that Columbus guy who is pretty much closet to the Saints. They wanted to write a petition to the greedy history book companies such as McGraw Hill for claiming Columbus was the actual guy, even though the History Channel was leaning towards the Vikings. The history book companies had very prejudice ideas about the Vikings because they are a sucky football team and rather not suck any money from the NFL or the History Channel, so Columbus was a better guy to actually "discover" America. They didn't. The history books were still in the Columbus curse all because of that fumble. However, Brett Favre was related to the aforementioned Leif Ericsson who had to stick a Norwegian name for non Packer fans. He was not even close to being Norwegian...isn't St. Urho purple and Norway hates purples. The went back to Finland and told them all aboiut their experiences, but they were probably to loaded with vodka to remember or they had Randy Moss steering the ship and he didn't want to tell about the bad rumors about Randy Moss mooning the Cleveland Indians, which were discovered later by the Pilgrims. The Pilgrims actually believed that it is your religious duty to be a fan of the Red Sox even though they never won a World Series since the 1400s. While Columbus was taking a vacation in Norway one year, he heard about the Viking myths of a "new world". Columbus thought that "the New world" was just the other side of China. China in the 15th century was a very rich nation, every one wanted a piece of the god damned place. There were still outsourcing everything in China for sweatshops and shoeshops even back then. Columbus was also very greedy so he wanted it all for himself. So Columbus decided to bug all sorts of nations to fund his crazy idea of going into the middle of the ocean, and finding China. He went to his home of Italy, they rejected him, He went to France, they rejected him, he went to all sorts of countries, and he was rejected as well. Then Columbus went to Spain, the Queen there thought he was cute, and since Columbus was so annoying, the King of Spain decided to give Columbus three rickety old ships to find China. If Columbus died on the journey, no one would have to deal with him; if Columbus succeeded, Spain would be rich. So after acquiring a crew of confused drunken men, Columbus set sail, going west. One of them was his Viking buddy who he met with his trip to Norway. When Columbus rested, the Viking tried to take control of the ship and steer them to old Vikingland, since he thought he knew a shortcut to get to Suomi, Japan er Finland er China, Finland DAMN it. After a few months, Columbus stumbled upon the Caribbean, which he mistakenly thought to be the eastern islands of China, most likely Japan. He was probably there for some good hentai out there. He didn't think it was China, he thought he was in India because they didn't have the slanted eyes and they dressed like people from some Kenyan micronation that can stand 150 degree heat and call it nice weather. Columbus also found friendly people on the island he had found and mistakenly called them "Indians" since he thought they were Indian Indians. He did noticed some similarities to India, such as the monsoon season and their worshiping of multiple Gods. He then enslaved the friendly people on the island and made them find gold for him. He killed the Native people either with his cruelty or his many diseases from Europe. One of them was a new bioterrorism pandemic called smallpox, spread by the people of Babylon which is like your little kid version of chicken pox that keeps you in bed with a 102 degree fever, it is something more, it was like the H1N1 of chicken pox, smallpox, which the spots were little. And the Indian soap only killed 59.9% of bacteria at that time. He went back to Spain and told everyone that he had found another way to China. Spain sent many more ships to this "new world" and made a lot of money. Other European countries saw what Spain was doing, so they wanted to get in on the act, too. Everyone liked it except for the French and the place Jesus walked on water and calmed the storm at.
edit American Colonies
edit The first English colonies
The first Colonies established by the English were Jamestown and Roanoke. The Roanoke colony was established by very few English people, who all disappeared for no known reason - though rumours that they shacked up with Indian squaws still persist to this day. Jamestown was another English colony, it was named after the English Monarch of the time King James. The settlers who went to Jamestown were all lazy business men, whose sole aim was to find gold and go back to England rich with the minimum of sexually transmitted diseases, thus the Colony failed. Jamestown was a place where the selling and exporting of marijuana has taken place. History books say they planted tobacco and these were the books that were made before DARE education took place. Tobacco companies actually benefited for this to promote more tobacco and most history books were written about the 50s were tobacco was accepted and encouraged on TV. Modern history books don't discuss the selling of tobacco in America because of the harmful effects of smoking as told by Scott Pelley on 60 minutes one Sunday afternoon after the Packers vs Giants football game. Weed in history book publishers had been sued by the inappropriate content of US History. That made all these European kings and queens all high and feeling good, so they can just relax and the world will be in peace. Except for the Chineses because they opened a Marijuana factory. Then some dipshit guy from Britain who didn't like the effects of marijuana made it illegal and it stopped the illegal trade of narcotics throughout the world.
edit The Pilgrims
In England during the early 1600s there was a group of religious weirdos in England called the Puritans. Loathing the pride that filled this name with haughtiness, they decided to call themselves the Pilgrims instead, which was a less sinful prideful name. The normal English people harassed the Pilgrims to the point that the Pilgrims decided to pull up shop and leave. The Pilgrims journeyed to America on the ship the Mayflower. Maybe that explains the reason why Macy has to have the parade on thanksgiving. There is currently a moving company by the same name which is petitioning the history school book companies for credit (and monetary reward) for discovering America. The nice little Indians thought the poor little Englishman were getting a little cold and somehow hungry, so they gave them something to eat. They ate and ate and ate, and they were so thankful of having food, they had to call it Thanksgiving. The Englishman has realized that the food was so good that they had to show the food they got in America and they sent it back to Europe.
Throughout history, the British people were gangsta and they snuck out of their homes to get the good food and the illegal marijuana. While the British government was some communist dictatorship, freedom was very low and they wanted to escape the Stalinist police force that took place in Britain at that time.
edit Revolutionary War
The British had created 13 illegal colonies without the written approval of the European Board of Territorial Claims. Mexico was actually approved by the European Board of Territorial claims just right after these dirty Mexicans did Isabella's laundry. One day when King George's reveunue was getting low because of the lack of tax dollars, he was baffled as to why. He asked one of his servants to sniff it out. He got a letter from the President of Sweden and he found out that his citizens were escaping the country by jumping on ships of other countries. Yeah, illegal immigration was going on back then. So King George decided to start watching over these bloody idiots. He started having his communist police force to enter America.
Then some conspiracy theorist called Paul Revere, under the courtesy of Paul Revere records, started the catchphrase The British are coming. The rebels thought that more people are starting to come, but it didn't turn out in the nicest way. The 13 colonies had turned into the same imperialism and people were running from these soldiers. But when they enter the Appalachians, they had been eaten up by some good ol grizzly bears. The War Between The British and the Grizzly Bears took places. They were fighting to see if the Grizzly Bears are the British police force but they turned out to bee trained Grizzly Bears that bite anyone. But they were trained by the police force? British loved tea and they made these Americans drink their crappy tea. That was the Boston Tea Party and they dumped the tea into the Boston Harbor. British environmentalists thought the tea was a threat to the fish population which caused THE OIL SPILL in that area. Hippies were there too back then. One American guy shot some British guy in the nuts and the biggest gang riots took place. The war went on for many years and more Grizzly Bears gnawed on the British.
edit The American Way
Upon arriving to the "New World" the Pilgrims could not survive very easily, so some friendly Native Americans helped them out and showed the Pilgrims how to get food. In return the Pilgrims shot all of the Natives, because the Pilgrims were very scared of people who could tan and live with wild animals. The Pilgrims simply wanted to set up McDonalds everywhere and to be left alone to eat all the big macs they can. But wiping out a whole race of people was not enough to make the Pilgrams feel safe, so they started to call each other witches and burned each other at the stakes. Soon America became a profitable land for England and a dumping ground for undesirable people. And so, many people came to America and they all built many cities. After all the witches were dead, the Americans decided that there were too many French around, so America sent the then Captain George Washington to attack a French Fort and that started a war with the French. The goal was to kill them all or get them out of America, because they were just too scary with their cheese and wine. After 7 long years of war, the French were gone. America was free of its enemies, or was it?
edit The Revolution
After the War there were a lot of British troops hanging around America and that scared people. So American rebelled to become their own nation, so that they didn't have to deal with the awesome British and their great tea, scones, and taxes that payed for unnecessary things like free health care. Once more, after a long war, Americans were finally free from anything they might fear except for getting slim and going on a diet. The British had created 13 illegal colonies without the written approval of the European Board of Territorial Claims. One day when King George's revenue was getting low because of the lack of tax dollars, he was baffled of why. He asked one of his servants to sniff it out. He got a letter from the President of Sweden and he found out that his citizens were escaping the country by jumping on ships of other countries. Yeah, illegal immigration was going on back then. So King George decided to start watching over these bloody idiots. He started having his communist police force to enter America.
Then some conspiracy theorist called Paul Revere, under the courtesy of Paul Revere records, started the catchphrase The British are coming. The rebels thought that more people are starting to come, but it didn't turn out in the nicest way. The 13 colonies had turned into the same imperialism and people were running from these soldiers. But when they enter the Appalachians, they had been eaten up by some good ol' grizzly bears. The War Between The British and the Grizzly Bears took places. They were fighting to see if the Grizzly Bears are the British police force but they turned out to bee trained Grizzly Bears that bite anyone. But they were trained by the police force? British loved tea and they made these Americans drink their crappy tea. That was the Boston Tea Party and they dumped the tea into the Boston Harbor. British environmentalists thought the tea was a threat to the fish population in that area. Hippies were there too back then. One American guy shot some British guy in the nuts and the biggest gang riots took place. The war went on for many years and more Grizzly Bears gnawed on the British.
edit The Bill of Rights
Freedom of Speech - freedom to say whatever the fuck you want. Use of improper grammar is required and must use these words in every sentence: Y'all, reckon, etc. That let great speakers and idiotic news channels such as CNN and MSNBC go on the air along with having Kayne interrupt Taylor Swift. But freedom of speech, along with the rest of the bill of rights was only used by adults til the Teen Speak Up movement in the 1990s and 2000s, which resulted in a rise of big mouth bloggers and the Daily Show. The rest should shut up!!
Right to Bear Arms - basically it was the idea that everyone should be able to have bear arms. That was made after the grizzly bear fights during the American revolution. It does not say anything about guns, but the use of guns was amendment to the constitution in 1849 so we all can shoot these damn varmints than actually wear bear arms. But that was in a different place that got erased in the 1962 Kennedy Erasin' which resulted in the Cuban missile crisis, going to Nam, and every gangsta is bustin' yo cap up yo ass illegally.
Right to keep the cops out of your house - but we still got security guards and rooming with some law enforcement student, so this one is outdated.
Unreasonable search and seizure - No wonder why there are so many video games out there. It's American to have a seizure and don't take epilepsy medicine.
Public and speedy trial - that is basically boiling down to Judge Judy.
Civil trial by jury - we were obsessing on the court room. This mandates jury duty and that sucks.
Cruel and unusal punishment - includes "punishment" such as having kids sit in detention, time outs, getting cell phones taken away in schoo and makes sure getting your ass whooped is part of the American pastime. If you don't behave, you're out in the cold or in the doghouse. Really bad offenders like to be burned at the stake.
Protection of rights - includes gay rights, animal rights, plant rights, education rights, dress code rights, etc.\
Power of states and people - that includes Wal-Mart too... they are people. Corporations are states.
edit The New American Nation
After America was "free" there were a number of social and political facets in America. It was around this time that the Golden rule of Freedom was introduced. This made it a legal requirement that when ever the word freedom was said in a public or private place, no matter the context in which it was used , all present must scream, shout, and generally act like inbred red-necks. The group must then do whatever the user of the phrase 'freedom' says without question or moral and ethical obligations to human rights.
edit Collective laziness
Americans are very lazy, let's face it, right now were ol fat joe smo in front of our TVs watching SitComs eating a BigMac, or were doing something even more pathetic, posting stuff on Uncyclopedia. Well, in the 17 and 1800s Americans found a way to do less work, we would go to Africa round up a couple of people and bring them here and make them work, and work hard. Those niggas will do anything and they white people still called them nigga. This was very popular in the South where people were very lazy. Most of the time, the niggas were doing work such as McDonalds and cleaning NASCAR tracks, along with building new NASCAR tracks. They also like to get a piece of American ass but every time they stared at some white persons ass they got whipped. But not it is the opposite and white people dropped the n bomb got a cap busted in yo' mamma's ass. Unfortunately, American got so many black people that they out numbered the White people. That made the White people very afraid, probably because of the creation of paleo-rap music that was made while they were cracking at minimum wage when white Americans were attending NASCAR races.
Wanking off now! Cheerio!
edit American Expansionism
Americans like to be alone, so in the 1800s we went out west to big parcels of land so we could be all alone. Unfortunately there we natives there, but that was no problem, because Americans had guns and we shot them all. So as America got more crowded we went farther and farther out west. They sent the rest of the Indians back to India, Alaska, and Lapland where they belong. Americans wanted money and wanted to be rich, and they can find that in Gold. Gold was discovered in Cali and all they wanted is to go over to the west coast to get money. They are greedy for money and they want it all, and they were too damn lazy to go back to China to get their shit, and digging holes to China is something that 12 year old bored boys do. They started a think called the Oregon Trail, most likely a thing that kids played in a short time in the 1990s before the hey day of World of Warcraft.
edit The Civil War
Once everything seemed more safe again, American stated to look at one another and started to become afraid of each other. So one day the the South attacked fort Sumter, and The Civil War started. The Civil War lasted 4 long years, but the North won because they were the good guys because they were trying to free the slaves. But we had too many pissed off rednecks that thought the South was better so they started waving confederate flags all over the place.
- (see Civil War)
edit The 20th Century
The 20th Century is often called the American Century because we were al over the world. The 20th Century began when we were just finshed destroy what was left of the Spainsh empire, because the Spanish colonies were too close, and they were making us scared. And Because of the Spanish American war, we were becoming an empire. and that made us feel big and powerful.
America decided to leave it till half way into the war to actually get a grip and kill some Nazis.
Once FDR had finished with the senate, letting the clone troopers kill them,he declared war on all enemies to Americaisbadassism, and set out to crush Count Chocula. Unfortunately, Hitler had already killed him, using the greatest weapon Germany could provide - Alka Seltzer. The U.S. was really pissed now.Their next target was the French, but Germany had beaten them already, in 1066 A.D. Then again every 20 years. So when the U.S. decided to invade Africa, they found out that Germany was already fighting with the British there. America finally woke up and realized something-Germany was mocking them. They wanted to fight America!!! So the Americans prepared for war, training the cub scouts how to take down a tank with a single kick, and training our soldiers the art of "shoot the living hell out of you". Even with a full army of 80 million Mexicans, we were still outclassed in every aspect.The German troops were equipped with the latest brute shots, plasma grenades, and warthog personnel characters. The rest of Europe was far behind in technology. British troops used dishes as helmets, and used teacups for the standard issue weapon of the British soldier. The French had to use croissants and snails to fight. The Russians used the limbs of other executed Russians.In the end, Germans were huge, strong, smart, overall superior people, who could not have lost the war. But what the Germans lacked, was a powerful ally. They had originally allied with the trade federation, but after a series of shipping mishaps where Jews were found in the boxes they sent from Germany as gifts, the trade federation broke off its alliance with Germany. Soon, the Roman Empire, led by Alexander the Great, would become an ally with Germany.
edit The Communists
After the last war with the Germans, America ran out of enemies, but then communism looked like it would take off, and spread all over the world. So American politicians decided to turn on allies that actually beat the Germans, and make America afraid of communism. During the 1950s, there was communist hysteria, everyone thought everyone was a communist. So America built huge missiles and started wars with places like Korea and Vietnam to make the world safe for America.
edit The 1990's and Modern History
By 1991 Communism whimpered and died as the last communist guy was removed from office in Russia. But communism was not all over, as some traces of communism are still in places such as Cuba, China, and some parts of the United States such as Vermont and California. And it seemed like America was not going to have any more enemies. But at that very moment, Iraq invaded the American ally of Kuwait, and America had another enemy a little while longer. Unfortunately, America's zeal against her enemies was so strong, Iraq hardly lasted 100 hours against America's onslaught and surrendered. Thus the 90's were a time of relative peace for America. An occasional bombing of Serbs in the Balkans wasn't really the slack they had been hoping for. As a result, the anger that America had turned in on itself: events like Waco, Columbine and the OKC bombing happened in the 1990's as a result of America not having enough real enemies.
edit Japanese invasion of July 1st 1996
the battle of July 1st was the most daring move by the nation of Japan in the last 1000 years. The reasons for the invasion are as fallows
- Ninjas are way better than pirates
- Kaiju overpopulation.
- they were tired of the small penis jokes (even though they tend to have very large penises)
- Pokemon induced rage.
The most decisive move made by Japan was their decision to invade from the east coast. The first city to fall was Providence, Rhode Island. General Peter Griffin defended it to the end, but sadly he was lost to a ninja star wound to the neck. The fall of Rhode Island is the event that granted Japan the foothold in the USA it needed. Every other state (except the crazed NRA hillbillies in Missouri (see military section of page for details)) fell shortly thereafter (Due to the whole ninja speed thing the USA was defeated in 1 day).
Or so they thought but then George bush led an uprising and stole all the chopsticks and starved the ninjas to death. Then America allied with Chuck Norris and exterminated the Japanese. Pokemon came back in style when Obama was elected since he does not relate Pokemon to the Kamikazes like Bush.
The definition of terrorist is as follows: 1. America is not a terrorist. 2. For some reason all terrorists are born and live in the Middle East 3. They are evil and they are jealous of the Western civilization (mostly America) 4. America is the only one who can interpret and use this definition.
It is obvious from this definition that all terrorists are thinking about is America and they tend to think the US is to blame for everything bad in this world. It is also obvious from this definition why only Americans are fighting wars against them (because contrary to the terrorists US actually have the weapons needed, and they have the right to decide who's a terrorist and who's not - all the rest of the world is just a selfish bunch that's afraid to fight!)
In 2003 President "I'm a thick twat" Bush decided we needed even more enemies, so he decided to be just like his pappy, and invade Iraq. France objected to giving us yet another enemy, citing the need for a 36 hour work week.
edit The Great Recession
Lets say about 2005, the United States was loaded about money. It was all about the money, the bling, the hoes, the sluts ... America was ballin' with money. People were rich, and smart hipsters were poor because they know our shit didn't stink. We spent money on worthless junk like $200 for a trendy iPod thingy that also had iTunes that sucked $25 per song and about $200 for a $30 ringtone. $10 for a candy bar was common in the massive economy. Then we had a bunch of democrats in congress that hated Bush and Cheney. We all blame Bush on all the thing the commie democrats were doing, thumping global warming and getting a Mac. The Get A Mac Bill was passed in 2007, which made sure all Americans should own and support the more "hip" Apple products and stay away from the evil corporation of Microshit. Oh, then even food, clothing and shelter got more expenses. Prices for the crib was like of MTV cribs, with high inflation rates. People spent and spent, and used credit cards for everyone. Even McDonalds. Clothes were like not cool to buy anything under $20 and a good, cool pants were at least $100 a pair with holes and rips in them and extreme fade by Abercrombie. Gas had gotten high because of Bush and Big Oil companies trying to crank the inflation up, slowing the country down from driving around like idiot. Legislators had created the high gas bill, which will mandate sucking Arabian oil and not using our precious nation, jacking the prices of gas up along with the promotion of alternative energy from corn, cranking the prices of food up to god knows what, making us starve and isolate ourselves, and making it cool MySpace addicts that take surveys and whoring themselves for money.
edit The First So Called Black President/Dictator/Promoter/America Hater/Closet Muslim
Then on one day in 2008, the economy got pwned. Someone maybe hacked into the server, but the economy has busted In 2007, people were bragging about how much Money In The Bank they have. Now it is cool to have Money in the Bank in a different way. In the federal bank. While we ran out of money to rain on some hoes, we asked Microsoft MoneyPrinter to print more money. Microsoft Moneyprinter was a way for people to print out the money they need; it was a quick way to get rich. But after all the Moneyprinters had the blue screen of death and the ask for Service Pack 1, then we think it is all a joke. The new service pack printed monolopy money, but we called it dumb enough to play Monopoly. Monopoly was the cool name to play. Prices of gas were the shit. Labels on clothings were worn by everyone and not the preps, since it dropped to 90% off clearance. Sweet. Food went down to reasonable prices. McCafe at McDonalds became popular. Then we voted for the guy called Messiah. Barack Obama, who is like having Soulja Boy for presidents. He released his rap album, Hope, and rap the song Yes We Can. That was a rap hit by Obama. Then Obama wanted money like everyone else and he did not care about us being poor. Why, where will the money for our next yacht come from, since he wants his money back that he spent on us so that our poor banks and corporations would not fail? Yeah he gotta make sure his cars look pimpin so he took ownership of Chevy Motors corporation to steal all redneck Chevy pickups and give a nice new pimpin ballin' pickup with nice bass and rims with the Cash for Redneck Pickups program. He wanted to put money in the bank like us, might as well own the banks so he can get all the money. He got money by good old fashion biblical tax collectin'. They had tax collectors in the Bible and that made him like Jesus. Maybe for federal money of the calming the storm project and the walking on water project along with the healing the blind man project He also tried to sneak the socialized medicine, which allows more doctors to come and make small talk than flip you out with disease. They never tell you your problem, they just yapped with other doctors and advertised pills. Never mind that our banks put themselves in the position of loaning money at shark rates that nobody would be able to pay back when the overinflated housing market fell in. What? Isn't that what banks are SUPPOSED to do? Profit is the name of the game! Greed is good - it gives those of us at the top many new shiny things to amuse ourselves with. Jobs are just a side-effect of profit, and only when we are feeling generous. And right now, we're not feeling generous at all! Not until our favorite political party comes back into office! And you can't make us! We'll just move the jobs offshore until there are none left for you. I suppose you could always sell Amway if you want to survive. Or better yet, become one of OUR salespeople so that you can sell our product, now made in China in a union-free sweatshop.
America is the worst country on Earth, and nobody can say otherwise. If someone does, we'll bomb their fucking country. The real point is that we can see throughout their history, that it is full of idiots and other countries being jealous of communism. Luckily, they cannot do anything about it. Now, since they are already masters of this world, they are ready to invade Mars, and then Hogwarts, and then, the UNIVERSE!! Ok now, fuck off! Cheerio!
P.S I should really be doing I.T coursework right now.