American Fundie Magazine
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?”
The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that pretends to know the Bible by-heart but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish good bits like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the "I'm chosen, so "F" y'all" nature of the Old Testament.
Simply put, the mission of AFM is to roll the clock back to a simpler time, before the evil secular humanists and their life partners, the Jews, stole the U.S.A. from the righteous and turned it from the high road of the loving goodness of the Old Testament, and onto the low road of <shudder> liberal Christianity or <gasp!> atheism, leading our great nation straight to Aich Ee Double Hockey sticks.
This is where, each month, a different famous militant Protestant figure gives his opinion on what is wrong with the world. Occasionally it will have a militant southern Baptist figure, but the message is always the same.
Also, it's always a man. A white man. A white man in a tailored suit. A white man in a really expensive tailored suit.
Letters to the Editor
In this section people write into the magazine to either complain about how the lack of prayer in public schools is bankrupting America, or to praise Jesus for healing whatever affliction they had. Of course, this healing occured after they received treatment at a hospital, but this really just means that He heard their prayers there, instead of their prayers at home or the ones in the car on the way to see the doctor.
What God Wants
Here a different person each month tells us, as the title implies, what God wants.
The various people that have contributed cover a wide spectrum of American society, from white Protestant ministers all the way to white Protestant theologians.
Needless to say, that they are all men.
Mostly God wants money. God is powered by your money. Your prayers are expensive. God helps those who let Him help Himself to their bank accounts. Checks payable to Holy Rollers LLC c/o International Offshore Bank, Cayman Is, P.O. Box 144 000.
Why God Hates:
Every month AFM has a different author write an apoplectic rant on how bad something is. The subject of that something varies from month to month, but typical subjects of the authors' righteous bile include:
- baby killers
- uppity coloreds
- secular humanist liberal atheist homos
Four out of ten times the article will be about homos. God hates lots of things, but fags piss him off the most.
“When the real world contradicts a literal interpretation of the Bible, it's the real world that's wrong. God's word is inerrant, the physical universe is not.”
This section proves that the "science" of the secular world is wrong. Secular "science", as it is run by "scientists" that hate God, fails to take into account the undeniable fact that God did it. It matters little what the subject is; God is the right answer.
It's generally a short section, only a few pages or so, because once you know that God did it you no longer have to ask any questions.
Only evil secular scientists ask questions.
a typical excerpt:
How can a building made from such things not crumble away?
Do these Darwinites not see that life is too complex to have possibly formed over six days without the guiding hand of God? Are they so blind as to assume that we can ever possibly understand how things work? The fault lays with evolution. Evolution leads to atheism, and atheism leads to people thinking for themselves.
Without God, there is no creation. Without creation there is no man. Therefore, without God there is no man. Ergo creation, as it appears in Genesis, is the literal truth. It's simple. So simple that an idiot could think of it.
a typical excerpt:
Why are all those leftist hippies trying to curtail our righteous right to do whatever we want with our Earth? Don't they know that God made the Earth just for us? Don't they realize that God gave it to us? It's right there in the Bible. Don't they read the Bible?
The answer, obviously, is no.
Damn dirty hippies.
With their "love" and "peace", hippies are a plague on mankind. They're all communist pinko lefties, it's true. Some of them are even homosexual lesbian faggots, with hairy legs and gay sex with other homos! Do you remember what God says about people like that? Of course you do...
From how-to be less tolerant to how-to be more judgmental, AFM's wide range of how-to guides teach you how to be a True Christian.™
After reading the how-to guides you will know how-to:
- Guarantee your personal salvation
- Identify minorities, and the appropriate slur to call them
- Select Biblical passages to justify your position on any subject
- Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women
- Make money by selling signs to the Westboro Baptist Church
- Pack for the Rapture
The other sections of the Bible, erm, American Fundie Monthly vary from month to month, but have included:
- 101 G-d given reasons to stone people.
- Jews drink the blood of Christian babies, and we have the hearsay to prove it!
- Sand niggers hate America: why they're wrong.
- Divorce is against God's plan, by Rush Limbaugh
- Europe: The new Babel?
- Was "The Passion of the Christ" violent enough?
Quizzes in AFM are self-help guides that tell you what is wrong with the people, places, things and concepts that surround you, threatening to drag you out of the light of righteousness and into the darkity dark of darkness.
- Is your neighbor coveting your wife?
- Are you intolerant enough?
- Does the Pope shit in the woods?
- How many of the Seven Golden Virtues are you ignoring?
- Is your Afghan hound Muslim?
- Yahweh's Abomination Crossword: From "Adultery" to "Shrimp"
An homage to the irritating "Where's Waldo" series, rather than a blatant copyright violation, the "Where's Sinner?" series of comics hides sinners in cartoon scenes and you, as a devoted fundie, must root them out for ridicule and stoning.
A typical "Where's Sinner?" is on the right. See if you can catch the sinner. The one and only correct answer is at the bottom of the page.
The Role of Women in AFM
Women are rarely allowed to contribute to AFM as the publishers have heard that the New Testament says women should not speak in church. Since they treat the magazine as an extension of church the men in charge of the magazine believe that broads should shut up there too, no matter how pious the bitches think they are.
Mostly they just run bake night.
- Footnotes note: No interweb links are provided for the Biblical passages listed below because you already know them by heart, right?
- ^ Deu 4:7 (NIV)
- ^ Motto: "Putting the
mentalfun in Fundamentalism!"
- ^ That's like Heaven, but for sinners.
- ^ But we said it anyway, just in case there are broads out there who think that they know what God wants. Send money.
- ^ God needs your money, but He needs your checks to be payable to the church for some reason.
- ^ Lev 11:9-12, Deut 14:9-10
- ^ Killing the unborn is a terrible crime, unless the killer is God and the fetuses happen to be Babylonian, or if the pregos pick the wrong god to worship. Then it's okay (Is 13:18, Hos 13:16). Also it's okay if God told you to commit genocide, as genocide means "kill everyone" (1 Sam 15:1-8). It's all right if the King of Heshbon has refused to grant you safe passage through his land, since everyone in Heshbon has got to go (Deut 2:23-34). Just don't forget to loot their homes and take their cattle as well (Deut 2:35). So, to recap, it's okay for God to do it, for you to do it (but only if you're killing everyone anyway) if He tells you to, or if they get in your way.
- ^ So, swarthy skinned adversaries of the one true God, which is it? Muhammad, Muhammed, Mohammad or Mohammed? What kind of a prophet needs aliases? Not Jesus Christ, Son of God, Son of Man, Prince of Peace! No sir-ee!
- ^ The curtains, meanwhile, are made from a delightful chintz fabric that really sets off your eyes.
- ^ Gen 1:26 & 1:28
- ^ Lev 18:22 & 20:13, 1Cor 6:9-10, 1Tim 1:9-11, Rom 1:26-27 and probably in a bunch of others places too. Send money
- ^ Hint: It has something to do with accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior (Eph 2:8-9). It has nothing to do with bullshit like "good deeds". Only Catholics go for that crap.
- ^ Pro slavery-> "...Cursed [be] Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be ..." (Gen 9:25), pro death penalty-> "...and slay them" (Luk 19:27), etc.
- ^ Where you will be eaten by a grue.
- ^ Luk 19:27
- ^ 1Cor 14:34-35
- ^ By "run" we mean "baking and cleaning up after the men."