I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“It's not terrorism when we do it”
I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism is a very popular method of dealing with terrorism as well as securing your economic and political interests in foreign nations. I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism is defined as the threat or use of violence to achieve a political, economic, social, or religious gain. While technically the same as terrorism there are several differences which will be discussed later.
I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism emerged as an alternative to terrorism in the late 15th century. It was heavily employed by the British and the Spanish but it is unknown who discovered it. The Spanish used it in their
conquest discovery and exploration of Latin America, slaughter civilizing of the Indigenous, and capture of African slaves for their own good, the British used it in their conquest liberation of North America, capture of slaves as well as the genocide of American Indians sending the Indians straight to Heaven. Noble reasons were given for genocide the free trip such as converting people to Christianity and civilizing "savages" was the reason given for slavery taking Africans into custody. These are features that distinguish it from terrorism. If done by us and for "noble reasons" then it is acceptable.
Many argue that "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism" can be traced back even earlier to the Middle Ages when Christian soldiers attempted to liberate the holy land from the infidels during the Crusades. The rationale behind the "I Can't Believe It Isn't Terrorism" in those days was to kill everyone and let God sort it out. Today, "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism" is employed by the Holy Trinity of the United States, the United Kingdom, and Israel.
edit Examples of "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism"
- The Crusades, in which the holy warriors of Christianity liberated the Holy Land from the infidels
- European colonizers sending Native Americans on a one way trip to the afterlife.
Dropping atomic weaponsMaking room for development in Japan in 1945.
- Protecting the Iranian people from themselves by overthrowing democratically elected Iranian Prime Minister Mohammed Mossadegh in 1953.
- The overthrow of
democratic socialisttotalitarian communist Jacobo Arbenz and instillation of right-wing dictatorshipcentrist democracy in Guatemala in 1954.
- Support of the benevolent Duvalier dynasty in Haiti
- Military coup backed by the CIA that saw the overthrow of Salvador Allende, a pain in the ass, and instillation of Augusto Pinochet, a really nice guy.
- Support of the liberal Somoza dynasty and the Contras in Nicaragua in the 1980s
- Running an "I Can't Believe It's Not A Terrorist Training Camp" called the School of the Assassins, which is dedicated to human rights and democracy, in Panama and later in Fort Benning, Georgia.
- Attempting to overthrow the democratically elected president of Venezuela in 2002.
right wing paramilitary death squadsfreedom fighters in Colombia in the 1990s and 2000s. InvadingLiberating Iraq against the ruling of the United Nations
- Detaining prisoners at Gitmo
without trials or lawyersand saving them money. Sexually abusingCreatively interrogating prisoners at Abu Ghraib.
Sending 6 million jews to death camps and killing themsending his Jewish population on an all expense paid vacation
edit Other Euphemisms for "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism"
Besides being called "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism" there are several other names for terrorism done by us. These names include collateral damage, attacking soft targets, counterterrorism, counterinsurgency, "Shock and Awe", neutralizing, civilizing, pacifying, converting, spreading democracy, liberating, freeing, and troop augmentation.
edit Differences between Terrorism and "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism"
Many critics of the Bush and Blair administration point out that there is little difference between the actions of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and those of Bush and Blair. While on the surface the actions of both Blair and Bush and those of bin Laden and Hussein are similar their intents are completely different. According to Bush "People like Saddam and bin Laden hate us for our freedom while we love freedom". Bush's close alliance with Saudi Arabia as well as his support of Colombian death squads demonstrates this love of freedom. Mass slaughter and destruction are OK when we do it because we are spreading democracy and freedom, when they do it, its because they are spreading fear and hatred. Another difference between "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism" and Terrorism is that we have God on our side and they don't. Whether an act of violence is terrorism or "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism" also depends on who perpetrates it. If the act is committed by leftist guerrillas in Colombia, socialists or communists in Latin America, Islamic extremists, Basque separatists, or Palestinian militants it is terrorism. If it is committed by American Backed Banana Republics including Colombia, the United Kingdom, Israel, or the United States then it is "I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism".
edit An Incomplete List of "I Can't Believe They're Not Terrorists"
- Obama bin Laden (While fighting against the Soviets, later became a terrorist)
- George Bush
- Barack Hussein Osama
- The Republicans
- Jeane Kirkpatrick
- Saddam Hussein (Until 1990, then when he switched alliances, he became a terrorist)
- Joseph McCarthy
- John Negroponte
- Augusto Pinochet
- Ariel Sharon
- Alvaro Uribe
- Donald Rumsfeld
- Hilary Clinton
- Milhouse Van Houten
- Oliver North
- Pat Robertson
- Fred Phelps
- Western world leaders
edit See also
- Alternate Republican Party
- United States of Tyranny and Dictators
- Western Hemisphere Institute of American Hegemony