American Football

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Whoops! Were you looking for Rugby with pads and helmets (wouldn't want them to get hurt would we?)

American Football is a sport invented by Americans, who wanted to play rugby, without looking like faggots.

Players come on for specific tasks for ten minutes - then fuck off. Real sport my ass!. Just look at Rugby players, 90% stay on for 80 minutes - American sport is not sport it's commercial entertainment performed by prima donnas who would not last ten minutes in any true sporting environment outside the USA. World series? That says it all - no, just Americans beating off to commercial TV deals.

Similar to the story of basketball, American Football was a sport invented by US citizens when they reached the end of a big long list of sports played the world over (European football, rugby etc) and realized that they were in actual fact complete noobs when it came to playing them. So as usual in American culture, instead of practicing these sports, they thought it might be better for the rest of mankind to come up with their own.

Like the rest of American sports, American Football's goal is to have 1823 advertising breaks per quarter so that America can continue to be the wealthiest and most brainwashed race on earth. The Americans think they are great at this sport and with a lack of nations to compare themselves to, quite frankly they are. but the reality is europeans are infact physically bigger and stronger to be generalized.

In fact, when they were deciding a name, they couldn't think of one, so they stole the name Football instead, causing a worldwide confusion which they anticipated, but proceeded with anyway. Many critics have argued that the game really has little to do with the foot touching the ball, but organizers spat on the critics and called them communists.

The sport itself is also incredibly boring due to the lack of fitness of the players from either side and the large number of identical touch downs scored, removing what little excitement could come from such a tactically devoid goal. With a pause every 10 seconds the game drags on and becomes incredibly tedious to watch. It is recommended by most of the world that you just don't bother with American "Football", or in fact any of these other dumbass American Sports. We instead advise you to watch our sports that involve 5 foot, 140 pound men kicking a ball and then crying for several hours because they hurt their toe.


Buy a pigskin from your local Wal-Mart (If you don't live near a Wal-Mart, then get to one now or you may contract aids.) or if you can not afford a pigskin a live pig will do, and find a field one football field (100 yards, or 375 kilometers) (What's a kilometer?) in length. Take two oversize forks and place two near the edges. America likes to make itself feel better by saying it is the only country tough enough to play football, and uses this as an excuse to get out of playing Rugby. It is also the only country that accepts men weighing 200lbs wearing tight lycra and another 100lbs of padding as heroes. This "sport" also confirms the "forget what the rest of the world thinks/says" American mentality, by proving that you can be obese and an athlete at the same time.


History in the Mesozoic Era

As americans were fed up of being called pussies by the rest of the world, they decided to help the british with their war. After the British had helped out the Americans in all of their war missions, but we can't forget that England let 50 hicks to kick our nations ass, they subsequently decided it would be best to humour america, and they let americans brag that "they won the war for us". After the war, the americans decided to reclaim their honour by trying their hand at the sport of Rugby Union. After being compeltely pulverised and embarassed by every rugby playing nation, including the scottish, they finally gave up hope of being good at any real manly sport. It was after this that football players approached americans to play in their games instead, as it was presumed that even the americans would be able to handle the relatively easy sport. However, after trying, they knew that the sport "Football" was simply too physically demanding to americans, so they went back to their homes with the idea of creating a new sport that no other country would ever find interesting, and subsequently would have no competition. The americans are an unimaginative species and so decided to copy the name "football" from the rest of the world, leading to much confusion, and quite frankly, amusement, from the rest of the world. Pads were introduced to make sure no american would ever receive a nasty bruise while playing american football, and it was designed to have many stoppages in one game, in order to maintain the low levels of health in america, and feed consumerism in the country with advert breaks. A little bit of background of football is that the game is made up of fat people running in to each other while chasing a ball, similar to a rugby ball, but smaller and softer to make the game easier, and wearing pads so they dont get hurt.


Barack Obama shows his best Michael Vick impression.

Modern History

Now 30,000 years later this is one of the most popular mate selection rituals across American college campuses. The twenty two men with all brawns and no brains fight out in the middle of a field for the possession of the stupid looking ball, while their maidens also known as cheerleaders cheer them form their sidelines. Hey Arnold's head is cut off and used as a ball. The event is now known as football.

An earlier version of the "game" became popular in the early part of the 20th century when Sigmund Freud suggested it might be used as a means to control homosexual urges. However, as the early rules required players to be in traditional greek fashion, athletic nude, and for players to perform felatio on one another as the sole means to score points, it is doubtful it ever succeeded on this point. The rules have undergone many changes over the years and now the "hand off" has replaced the role of felatio in the game.


Some people argue that American Football shouldn't be called football because it uses an ovoid rather than a ball and most of the times is actually illegal to touch that ovoid with your feet, also football is the real name for soccer. Yet, it could be said that the game is named football because the game bears resemblance to the game of football, a popular sport in Khazakistan with a controversial name. If you touch a man's balls instead of the real ball,its worth 400 points (200 for each ball). The leauge for sensible naming of sports has proposed that the game should be renamed Hand Egg to give a more accurate representation of the game. However it is poignant that all non-Americans would prefer to have someone smash a foot into their balls than sit through a game of American Football.

American Football is a sport where fat men with small dicks and brain damage play. Anyway it should be called tackleball or runningball instead of football.

“Notice how each half starts? Yeah. Shut the fuck up.”
~ America on killing arguments



Quarterback: Guy who throws ball

Receiver: Guy who catches ball

Running Back: The quarterback gives the ball to this person so he can gain 0 yards

Half Back: SAME. THING.

Offensive Line: Guys who guard defensive line from getting quarterback

Center: Guy who throws ball under his ass into the hands of the quarterback


Defensive Line: Guy who tries to tackle quarterback

Blocker: Guy who blocks receiver from catching ball

Actual Gameplay

Gameplay consists of two lines of the largest, gayest men in America lining up to grope each other. Random numbers are called out in an attempt to confuse the other side, an effective tactic because the average IQ of a football player is 43. A representative of the footlocker corporation will then signal the start of "play." At this point all players will attempt to grasp the man with the ball and wrestle him to the ground, apparently to begin intercourse, although this cannot be confirmed because view is always blocked by a large pile of sweat soaked bodies.

The play clock for the offense to make plays is set to 3 months. Despite the inevitability of cobwebs forming on the players lining up at the line of scrimmage, players are not permitted to dust off cobwebs or face receiving a 5 yard delay of game penalty. As you can tell, an American football game takes several years to complete.

See also

  • Gridiron football
  • Kill
  • NFL
  • Page 238~240 of 'The Simon & Shuster SHORT PROSE READER Third Edition' - There Are Rules, You Know
  • The Above Book's Publisher Is 'Prentice Hall'
  • Notsoccer

Look for American Football in:
Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia,
Wiktionary, the free dictionary that is totally pointless,
Wikisource, where every mindless piece of paper goes.
and finally, search Wikimedia Commons, the place for all your porno!

Of course, you can always use Google or Yahoo!

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