American Football
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DIDN'T YOU MEAN 'HAND EGG??'
“BE WARNED! All those who love football and enjoy it will feel incensed, enraged, infuriated, and all other synonyms of FUCKING PISSED after reading this article.”
~ Unknown on I'M FUCKING PISSED
“Why is all the protection for if they are always in advertising breaks? ”
~ Anonymus Rugby player on Football
“The foosball is the debbul!”
~ Mama Boucher on Football
“Bloody 'ell! Those bloody Yankees have stowlen oua spowt like they did to oua culcha!”
~ John Bull on Yankee Football
“Your all gits, you Americans. In England, he call soccer FOOTball because we play it with our FEET. You call it football because you play it with your hands. Honestly, you're about as bad as the Russian Reversal system.”
~ The guy that invented soccer on Americans calling Football soccer.
“In Soviet Russia, the guy that invented soccer's ass kicks YOU! Also, football kicks YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on the above comment
“It's like rugby, but with armour, every 10 seconds stops and the rules are changed so that it's too easy.”
~ Mephiles on Rugby and American Football
“Ass slapping, tight pants, excessive protection, and a ridiculously shaped ball. Sounds like a bunch of schizophrenic ten-year-olds developed this game”
~ Oscar Wilde on fake sports
“It's a sport.”
~ John Madden on Football
“I can't believe I'm playing this shit.”
~ Peyton Manning on Football
“Who will teach my son how to catch a football ball?”
~ Frasier Crane's brother Niles on football
"Football? I remember that sport so much. I was in every play, and was very short. Of course I was the ball!"
Similar to the story of basketball, American Football was a sport invented by US citizens when they reached the end of a big long list of sports played the world over (Inbred european football, rugby etc) and realized that they were in actual fact complete noobs when it came to playing them. So as usual in American culture, instead of practicing these sports, they thought it might be better for the rest of mankind to come up with their own.
Like the rest of American sports, American Football's goal is to have 1823 advertising breaks per quarter so that Americans can keep being the most wealthiest race on earth. The Americans think they are great at this sport and quite frankly they are,
In fact, when they were deciding a name, they couldn't think of one, so they stole the name Football instead, causing a worldwide confusion which they anticipated, but proceeded with anyway. Many critics have argued that the game really has little to do with the foot touching the ball, but organizers spat on the critics and called them communists.
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[edit] Setup
Buy a pigskin from your local Wal-Mart (If you don't live near a Wal-Mart, then get to one now or you may contract aids.) or if you can not afford a pigskin a live pig will do, and find a field one football field (100 yards, or 375 kilometers) (What's a kilometer?) in length. Take two oversize forks and place two near the edges. Keep in mind the name "football" belongs to the drunk dumb-ass Brits guys that invented what Americans call "soccer". Football is a popular American sport, and many black people play in the south. America likes to make itself feel better by saying it is the only country tough enough to play football, and uses this as an excuse to get out of playing Rugby. It is also the only country that accepts men weighing 200lbs wearing tight lycra and another 100lbs of padding as heroes. This "sport" also confirms the "forget what the rest of the world thinks/says" American mentality, by proving that you can be overweight and an athlete at the same time.
[edit] History
History in the Mesozoic Era
The Time : Circa 300,000,000 B.C.
The Place : Some where in the north of France
The People : Ancient Neandrethals
The Event : The Ancient equivalent of an Indian Swayamvara
Three hundred and fifty beefy men in a single line, arms stretched out clutching each others shoulders.
A man appearing to be their chief yells, sounding more like a howl, a fifty men part and move forward still in a single file.
Another yell, another fifty move forward again in a single file. The two lines face each other.
Another yell and the remaining men split up. The four lines of men now stand such that the form a rectangle, with first fifty men facing the second fifty they form the breadth of the rectangle. While the other hundred and twenty men form each of the lengths of the rectangle.
Twenty Two men now move into the rectangle formed and bounded by the other 340 men.
The chief presents the prize catch that the two men are fighting for, the prize that will make the winner a king, the losers will leave the village in shame to seek his fortunes elsewhere. The prize catch – the chief’s mothers roommate.
The men must fight for the most basic necessity of life, food. They must demonstrate to the chief that they have the ability to feed his daughters. The beautiful maidens watch from the sidelines while cheering for a mate of their choice. The chief lets lose a rabbit in the middle of the field. Each men now must with his buddies catch the rabbit and take it back to his side of the field (i.e. one of the shorter edges of the rectangle, which he has chosen previously).
Modern History
Now 300,000,000 years later this is one of the most popular mate selection rituals across American college campuses. The twenty two men with all brawns and no brains fight out in the middle of a field for the possession of the stupid looking ball, while their maidens also known as cheerleaders cheer them form their sidelines. Hey Arnold's head is cut off and used as a ball. The event is now known as football.
An earlier version of the "game" became popular in the early part of the 20th century when Sigmund Freud suggested it might be used as a means to control homosexual urges. However, as the early rules required players to be in traditional greek fashion, athletic nude, and for players to perform felatio on one another as the sole means to score points it is doubtful it ever succeeded on this point. The rules have undergone many changes over the years and now the "hand off" has replaced the role of felatio in the game.
[edit] Naming
Some people argue that American Football shouldn't be called football because it uses an ovoid rather than a ball and most of the times is actually illegal to touch that ovoid with your feet, also football is the real name for soccer. Yet, it could be said that the game is named football because the game bears resemblance to the game of football, a popular sport in Khazakistan with a controversial name. If you touch a man balls instead of the real ball,its worth 400 points (200 for each ball). The leauge for sensible naming of sports has proposed that the game should be renamed Hand Egg to give a more accurate representation of the game.
American Football is a sport where men with big dicks (penis) play. Anyway it should be called tackleball or runningball instead of football.
“Notice how each half starts? Yeah. Shut the fuck up.”
~ America on killing arguments
[edit] Actual Gameplay
Players consist of huge American males who u are heterosexuals so have no idea how to play rugby. Warning: If you are a male with soaring estrogen levels and don't play football because you get scared and decide to run home to mum when the play starts, you will be regarded in high school as a little bitch and someone with a learning disorder. Congratulations! daddy would you like some sausage You would make a great French citizen! Baseball is then an option. Which is the only sport worse than Golf. Football is obviously an American sport cuz people in other countries aren't scared of their homosexuality and don't like to get hit by 11 sweaty dudes so they prefer real sports instead of an elaborate commercial.
The quarterback is the leader of the team he can make hand offs to the running back or pass to a receiver. The ref (dressed up like a burglar, only with vertical stripes) then blows an air horn to indicate the start of "a play". (Note: Immediately prior to this conditioned response some players may shout random numbers which they find comforting.)
[edit] Notes
[edit] See also
- Gridiron football
- Kill
- NFL
- Page 238~240 of 'The Simon & Shuster SHORT PROSE READER Third Edition' - There Are Rules, You Know
- The Above Book's Publisher Is 'Prentice Hall'
- Notsoccer
