American English
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American English, better known as Americaneese, Amurican or verbal farting, is the principle language spoken in the United States of America and her incontinent little sister Canada. American English is not to be confused with Antartican English, which can only be translated by snowmen.
It is estimated by the Bureau of Utter Bullshit that American English will be replaced by Spanish sometime before 1986.
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[edit] A User's Guide to American English
If you are cornered by wild Americans, who are demanding you say something in their strange, esoteric language, DO NOT PANIC! Just adopt a comedy American accent, the kind you may have seen in sitcoms and suchlike, and use the word 'boy' after every sentence. Unless TV and films have lied to me, this will fool even the most American of Americans. And they're pretty damned American. Take it from me.
If you really want to sound like an American when you speak, then prounounce -a as uh, and -er as er, for example, don't say Americker, Africker, or Chiner. Don't pronounce Korea as career. Also, don't say proppa when you mean proper, wahtuh when you mean water, and heatuh when you mean heater.
[edit] How to write in American English
If you're American: do whatever comes naturally. If you're not: write in normal English, just miss out some of the vowels. You can easily check yourself. If 50% of the letters are missing from your sentence, then you are in the clear. (ie I like those doughnoughts. They are my favourite. vs. I like em donuts my favrit!)
[edit] History
[edit] Pilgrims' progress, or lack thereof
American English (also commonly known as ‘gimped English’ or ‘dumb English’) reverts back to the Pilgrims in England during the 17th Century.
In school, Pilgrims were often bullied for their uncommon dyslexia, unique in that not only could they not spell words properly such as ‘mum’ as ‘mom’, ‘colour’ as ‘color’ or just fucking up completely by mistaking ‘biscuits’ as ‘crackers’ (now also a symbolic word used in American politics) but also in that they could not pronounce these words correctly, instead using a high pitched squeal like a gerbil with a rocket shoved up its arse.
Because of this not only did usual folk in the playground revert to ‘taking the piss’ out of them, but so did other more common dyslexics.
In a last ditch attempt to hold their proud identity (their mummies said they were ‘special’) they fled and arrived in a giant country they later named America – named so it was easy to remember and say by any linguistic trait. They naturally named themselves Americans to disguise themselves from being pilgrims (in which case they weren’t that proud), naturally.
[edit] Knocked by the natives
The newly founded Americans wanted to spread their new culture (they were quite proud) in order to show the English that they were the minority so they dropped by their next-door neighbours the ‘Natives’. The natives disagreed with changing their language and dialect and reverted to bullying the Americans also.
The Americans, now with no newly founded land to move to next, decided upon themselves to invade the Natives. However, they soon grew tired of waiting for them to regroup in base and pick a new leader every time the current one was shot, so instead resorted to the more subtle approach of stealing the Natives' babies, raising them on American culture and sending them off to fight their parents. This cost a lot preparation so they also stole Africans to do the dirty work. These are commonly referred to ‘second rate citizens’, often found still playing the role in low wage, underplayed jobs that hold the pillars of America’s current society.
[edit] Beating the Brits
Years later the Americans still never forgot their grudge with England (a common trait of an American is to hold onto a grudge rather than accept that shit happens) and created the make belief ‘war of independence’ and shared the story to fellow countries.
The story turned into a game of Chinese whispers in that by the time it came back to England, England had won the war they didn’t even know squat about (much in the same way America later drew a war with Vietnam that they pulled out of).
[edit] TV, yet not TV
Still diligent to get the one up on England they came with the cunning trick of creating American television shows littered with American abbreviations and colloquial language specifically to change the English language on its own turf. America boycott the popular youth television station ‘Channel Four’ for its up-from-under approach. Early attempts were unsuccessful including ‘Cheers’ and ‘Roxanne’, foiled by shows such as ‘Monty Python’ and ‘The Young Ones’, but the Americans came to a revelation with the hit show ‘Friends’ with the trend setting ‘like’ colloquial setting. Ever since everyone on both sides of the Atlantic have been like this and like that and like everything.
England, like, fought back with shows such as ‘The Office’ and ‘Top Gear’ but America had, like, a contingency plan that instead of investing in shows that were unlikely to beat such original talent they bought the rights to American adaptations.
These were heavily marketed and advertised to mystify people of any knowledge of the English originals.
Another cunning trick sought to ‘one up over the English’ was to include them as bad guys on every highly prolific movie on the planet. Most notable English actors as bad guy roles include Schindler’s List, Raiders of the Lost Arc and Star Wars.
Europe, seeing the English as bad guys so many times, has since parted leaving the country at the mercy of America.
The English, now forced to watch friends on a daily, morning basis, resume with continuously more American-English culture as the years go by.
[edit] Other stuff
Most have resorted to alcohol, the government lowering the minimum age to 18 to allow as many as possible to drown out any knowledge they are forced ‘allies’ of the US although most parents allow their children to drink much earlier.
If you ask an English person if they have anything to do with America they will strongly deny it, unless their surnames are ‘Thatcher’ or ‘Blair’.
‘Proper English’ is now as alive as Latin, the dodo or Steven Guttenberg’s career. American English continues to dominate the rest of the world.
[edit] Dialects
It is worth noting that several dialects of American English exist:
- Redneck: spoken by NASCAR fans, trailer trash, and country music singers
- Southern Drawl: closely related to Redneck, but sounds slightly more mentally challenged
- New England Nasal: a droning and painful dialect spoken by members of the Kennedy family
- Idiot Surfer Dude: spoken by all residents of California dude, plus dudes in Oregon and Washington, and those dudes Bill and Ted dude ... awwwwwwwsum duuuuuuude!
- Canadianeese: spoken by Canadians and those banished to Canada's southern colonies (Minnesota and Wisconsin)
- Neuw Yawk: the tongue used by residents of New York City (and Little New York City (e.g. the state of New Jersey): notable for its high volume and vast repertoire of swear words
- Phillyspeak: The dialect of people from Philadelphia, the only city where it's possible to order a hoagie wit a glass of wooder while watching the "Iggles". Also spoken in New Jersey.
- Burgheese: Said by linguists to be a probable offshoot of Phillyspeak, with slight modifications: speakers instead eat their hoagies (pronounced oh-ghees) with "Miragle Whip" while "thur dahntahn with yinz" to see "dem Stillers" play.
- Busheese: closely related to 'baby talk', and spoken exclusively by George W. Bush: it is totally unintelligible to anyone else.
- Flatbiller: The common dialect for people living in the 909 area of southern California. Sounds like a surfer dude + Ebonics and replacing dude with bro all the time. It is a dialect of chavvish, which occurred when the English pot noodle famine of 1998 occurred. Common phrases include: "SHEEEET BRO, THAT WAS FUCKIN EXTREME BRO, LETS GO AND FUCKING SMOKE WEED BRO!!!!!!!"
- Singlish: The common and (maybe) the only dialect that Singapore and Malaysia use. The sentences often ended by 'lah' and mixed with Malay languange. Ex: 'Malaysia is the best di dunia, lah...' and 'Lets shopping in Singapore, pasti have fun, lah...'
- Fucking Retarded: Any American who pronounces the second "a" in caramel or thinks tomato is tomahto
