American Airlines
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American Airlines is an ass.
Contents |
[edit] History
In 1926, a stunt pilot was transporting an envelope filled with drug money from his cousin when he realized the potential for huge profits. His original intentions were for transporting people, transporting goods, and making money. Nearly identical tiny mail airlines decided to join in with his dream and they formed a small company in 1930 - American Airlines Ltd.
In 1934, Cyrus Rowlett Smith became president. Since this is the end of the moral business, no one gives a crap for its humble beginnings. He later became the U.S. Secretary of Commerce by the way. In World War II, C.R. created a genius idea of allowing passengers to ride on a Douglas DC-3 while the plane was bombing Japanese villages and fishing ships. In 1942, the company began catering services which included 'snack boxes'. The snack boxes contained expensive fruit bars, fish sticks, and pumpernickel bread which costs $160.45 or in today's money $5,436.32. When the company introduced complimentery grenades for the passengers to throw at the ground, the government called a halt and fired Cyrus Rowlett for the rest of WWII. After World War II, the government re-hired him with the new name of Cyrius Robbleman and the title as the 'Chief Executive Officer,' a position he filled until 2003 and his tragic death caused when a replacment knee cap snapped and he smashed his face into a concrete side walk.
After Europe was utterly destroyed and the population was pacified, American Airlines started to do trans-Atlantic flights. For the first time in history, Americans began to meet Frenchies who respected the Americans. Unfortunately, these claims of respect are poorly documented and any media sources have failed to show up. It remains either a legend or a moment in history wich should be forgotten.
In 1948, the idea of Coach service was introduced. Now airlines may save huge sums of money by allowing seats to ripped and the leather worn out before being replaced. The air-conditioning things can also be 'broken' or really turned off to save costs and the flight attendant buttons altered so as to never work. American Airlines began to deteriorate in quality and shows the first signs of its modern state of shittiness.
Due to record burning by the government, AA history from the 1960's to 70's has been deleted. This has nothing to do with its first unannounced bankrupcy.
In 1985, American Airlines started to give out Ultimate Super Saver Discounts offering up to 70% off. When first announced, peoples' heads exploded from how gay the title was and wondered how in the hell could they give away those discounts! In 1986, American Airlines completed an immense underground structure capable of surviving nuclear war earthquakes, fires, and partially resistant to financial debt. In 1991, celebrations were announced as they carried their one billionth customer (excluding illigal immigrants, stowaways, secret agents, and children stored in the overhead compartment.) Gerard J. Arpey was then voted in as the president of American Airlines where he now gains 8.5 million dollars every year of AA's funding.
[edit] American Airlines Past Mottos
- "We're sorry but due to budget cuts the motto is not longer in service"
(usage returned after loan)
- "How can we lose your baggage today?"
- "100% liability 1% of the time"
- "We don't give a flying fuck" (banned in 1984)
- "Hours of sitting made fun"
- "Tickets for $1 (does not include fuel sucharges, airport taxes, government taxes, navigation taxes, crew payments, aircraft maintenance cost and profits)"
[edit] American Airlines News
- American Airlines Annual Gov. Funding Increases by 25% - Despite recent steps forward by American Airlines, they fell thirteen steps back by falling more into debt. Including disclosed and undisclosed funding now add up to 2,000,000,000 dollars a year. AA plans to pay back the debt by borrowing money from Iran and Sweden.
- New Food offered by American Airlines - With America Airlines recent drop in snack satisfaction, AA plans to offer more food options including peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, black licorice flovered toffy, and pizza burritos.
- Baggage Claim System Changed - 1 out of every 5 bags is either lost or found in the middle of Siberia years later. With this America Airlines has introduced new online baggage claim role playing games for staff to practice on. Airline staff will learn how to proffesionaly deal with angry costomers. A retail version maybe released in a few months.
- Plastic prohibited in airport terminals - After seven lawsuits, AA has announced it will no longer use the material plastic in construction, furniture, and certain food items. It is believed that the plastic will be replaced by duct tape, cardboard, and rice paper imported from China.
[edit] Sabre
American Airlines invented the computer, as a more cost efficient and faster way to lose peoples' luggage and overbook flights. This resulted in overwhelmingly massive profits for the company. The executives were in a kerfuddle, because they couldn't allow these Sabre computer nerds to get power in the corporate hierarchy. So, in the middle of the night, they would go in, move wires around, put moths in the vacuum tubes, and otherwise screw things up. This gave the Sabre nerds so much extra work that they didn't have time to overthrow the board of directors, plot career strategy, eat lunch, or go to the bathroom (lunch and bathroom, being, coincidentally, where most of american business decisions are made).
By the 1990s Sabre had gotten all-new Macintosh computers, and the executives didn't realize that the old vacuum tubes they were vandalizing every weekend hadn't been used in 15 years. Luggage started getting lost better, and overbookings were becoming more and more profitable. Again, the executives had to do something. One of them had read a book about outsourcing, so that is what they did. Sabre was sold to Erratic Data Systems, a company Ross Perot founded in order to keep ex-Marines from going off and invading Cuba, and instead had them invading cubicles and kicking ass every day. Until of course the thing with General Motors which pretty much messed up EDS for life, so they sold Sabre off to Packard Bell.
Packard Bell used the Sabre technology to sell computers at Sears and Roebuck, but Roebuck got so digusted with the diaper-fetish forums on AOL, (prodigys were much better), that he quit, and it was just called Sears after that. Packard Bell then lost their 'inside man', and Packard had to go back to making awesome 1920s cars, while Bell had to go back to making rotary dial wooden telephones.
Sabre was then sold off to Quaker Oats, who was trying to 'outbrand' and 'diversify', two buzzwords the CEO's nephew had read about in a book at his business school. Unfortunately, losing shipments of oats and overbooking boxes of oats do not translate into profit in a commodity market. Sabre was then sold to Troy-bilt, the garden tiller manufacturer.
Troy-bilt had also been trying to diversify; because, little known to anyone, their CEO had the same nephew as the CEO over at Quaker Oats. They started making treadmill machines, and SABRE... uhh... they were .. they weren't sure what SABRE was but it was certainly diverse. Also their board member had seen a computer on the front of Family and Home Office Computing and decided 'this was the future... a television with a typewriter attached to it'.
Troy-bilt went bankrupt because Americans became too fat to go outside and do gardening anymore. Also, with gasoline costing $18 a gallon, tilling a garden would have cost the average person $800.
Sabre was then sold off to Milton Bradley, who used it to power their next generation of Simon games. Milton Bradley was bought out by Hasbro, and just as its product GI Joe would like to murder and enslave My Little Pony, Hasbro wanted to murder and enslave Sabre. Sabre was then beaten down, beaten, and beaten down some more, until Hasbro had satisfied its blood lust, siphoned off several employees and left it a smoking, empty shell of its former self.
Sabre was then sold off to an Indian multinational conglomerate, 'Technical and Electrical Agency, Tamil ltd.'. TEAT suckled Sabre for a few years, by which time TEAT headquarters actually found out what Sabre was: an airline reservation system from the 1960s. After 'discovering' this (even though a junior level accountant had been telling them for 10 years), management decided to outsource Sabre again. Management got promotions, the junior accountant got demerits on his annual review for not telling them about this problem sooner, and Sabre was sold off yet again, this time to...
American Airlines, who decided that it needed to become more profitable, since gas prices were so high. The company historian, who had been relegated to a dingy basement in the 15th underground floor down a long asbestos-lined hall with sparking fluorescent lights and malfunctioning automatic doors, knew the story and one day happened to be talking to the janitor about it. The janitor was friends with a board member's daughter, because they both were in the SCA (the people who dress up like knights and beat each other with foam-padded swords). The daughter talked to the board member, who wandered down into the basement, talked to the historian and re-bought Sabre, to bring it back into the corporate fold.
And that is where Sabre is today.
[edit] Airline Safety
Airline safety should be seen the same as its service quality - crappy. On the other hand, there really haven't been enough crashes to support that statement. A theory has been created though. Does American Airlines sacrifice goats in the cargo hold during the flight to appease the gods? In the Middle East, it's the same but with camels or anything that is available including pets. Recently, a scam has been uncovered. Pet owners are discovering that their pets have been replaced with stuffed animals. They realize this when their pet does not eat or move at all for that matter.
Even with these precautions, the company still employs other safety devices. Before every flight, a moderately attractive flight attendant points to the tiny TV screen on the ceiling. It beats having to act like a mime in front of hundreds of people though. The TV plays a video showing another flight attendant acting like a mime and messing with the odd equipment under and above a seat - equipment which, as you will discover if your flight crashes, is missing from under and over your seat. It also assures you that you will not die which is quite convincing. When the movie is finished, don't be down. Rest assured, a movie will start in another hour. Unfortunately, they are prohibiting the movie Airplane! and their sequels one, two, and three.
