Ambrose Burnside

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240px-Ambrose Everett Burnside

Osama Bin Burnsides

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ambrose Burnside.
“Only Burnside could manage such a coup as to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.”
~ President Lincoln on Burnside
“Ah, a bridge. My nemesis. You had me at Antietam but I've got you now!”
~ Burnside, shortly before being defeated by a bridge, again
“Are you…are you being serious? Surely you must be joking.”
~ Robert E. Lee on hearing of Burnside's promotion to General
“The enemy is heavily entrenched here, here, and here, so everyone go there.”
~ Burnside before the Battle of Fredericksburg
~ Burnside during the Battle of Fredericksburg

General Ambrose Everett Burnside was a Union general in the American Civil War most famous for being literally inconceivably incompetent, appearing in the novel "Book of Heroic Failures" in which he describes the many, many occasions in his military career in which he failed miserably in an epic way. He once had an over 9000% chance of success and stunningly managed to fail.

Burnside also appeared in the "Book of Famous Celebrities 1800's" in which he discusses what he plans to do with his new invention: Sideburns. The style soon caught on, and quickly died shortly after.

edit Burnside as an early youngling

When Burnside was only four years old, his sideburns had started to grow. This caught attention of the people around him and he soon became a famous pimp. However, little did he know the dangerous territory he was stepping in and soon he was caught on charges of supporting prostitution. As a means of community service, he was forced to join the Military.

As a side note the drunken manly man had Scottish blood.

edit Early Military Stage

During the "Early Military Stage" Burnside had become incredibly popular due to his dim-witted and friendliness. He rose up the ranks faster than...well anyone really. It was here that he befriended President Lincoln and General Bridgez. Slowly however, a rivalry was developing between Burnside and Bridgez, and soon...Bridgez defected and Burnside was put in charge of all of Bridgez men to take him down in the Battle of the Bridge.

edit Battle of the Bridge


Be careful now.

When Burnside was rejected in using the niggers in battle he elected to use the Irish instead. This lead to several drunken men running around on the battlefield declaring that they have a grenade.

They soon came across the subject of the battle, the bridge. Burnside, not knowing what to do while facing his future nemesis, decided to have his men cross the bridge in single file while taking fire from the enemy in order to cross to their side. Little did Burnside realise that the water was waist high.

He came out alone, the sole survivor as his 12'000 man unit perished in battle against a 500 unit guerilla group. But that wasn't the end of it.

Bridgez was among the leaders of the enemy unit, however it would take Burnside a good few weeks later to finally meet him face to face...

edit Battle of the Pit


Arch nemesis Thomas Jefferson did always maintain the upper hand, and destroyed Burnsides' pride with his more impressive facial hair.

Over 9000 hours later, Burnside had obtained a new squad of 15'000 men and had them dig a pit, throw dynamite in, and try to lure the enemy in. Unfortunately for Burnside, the mist had gotten worse and he led his men into said pit. The enemy, surprised to find their enemies under their Christmas tree, had fired at them, leading to Burnside's routing. Bridgez wept happily to the retreat of his former ally and rival, as he had bested him. Burnside was not amused.

edit Burnside After The War

After Burnside's defeat in The Pit and The Bridge, Burnside attempted to retire from the Military. Unfortunately, Lincoln needed Burnside to help reduce the number of niggers and Irish in the army.

Burnside had one final mission: Invade Poland. Unfortunately, no one knows what happened to Burnside after that mission.

edit Burnside's Inventions

Ambrose Burnside - Brady-Handy

As the years wore on Burnside's side burns became no less impressive.

Burnside had invented many things during the war such as; Failure, Side Burns, Holocausts and many more.

edit Failure

Before Burnside nobody knew failure existed. It was but a theory. However, after experiencing Burnside's achievements (and viewing them on XBox Live), failure was finally confirmed to exist.

To this day failures still exist, but none to the extent of Burnside.

edit Side Burns

Burnside sported a strange individual style, the side burns. Everyone wanted them, and for Burnside's 15 minutes of fame everyone wore one. Until they realised it was uncool. Burnside soon copyrighted side burns, and now has amassed a great fortune from this style.

edit Holocaust

Burnside had caused the first three major holocausts in the world (out of all 4, Hitler's being the more recent one). Burnside had lead an army of troops of several unpopular racial origin to their death. See holocaust for more.

edit More

Burnside had invented many other uncatalogued things that my imagination can't even cope with. Instead just think of the wondrous things this failure could accomplish.

edit See also

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