From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Its a place where they sell things!!”
“Why the hell do my quotes have to be on every fricken' uncyclopedia page?”
Amazon.com is an e-tailer which sells literally everything (yes, I know what you're thinking, and yes, they do indeed sell that). The company started out as an online bookstore, but quickly realized it could not make money as such when market research studies revealed that only a few thousand Americans actually read books. Since it's introduction to the world wide web in 1996, it has rapidly expanded by ways of either purchasing or devouring, by possible means satanic ritualism, all other e-stores on the world wide web. It's devastating path to gobble up cheap competition so that Amazon it self may charge hidden excess amounts of posting and handling fee's to all it's pitiful customers who see something they wish to purchase for as low as 25 cents, but then find out the evil forces of Amazon.com are laughing upon them when the P&A now displays after you have signed an agreement that you either pay up the fee, or your soul will become the property of the owner of Amazon.com... which is in debate as to if the owner is actually Satan himself, or even worse, run by Tom Cruise as the main income support for funding Scientology.
edit The Name
At first, the site was named "AmazonWomanOnTheMoonVSQueenKong&HerculesInanAvacododesert.com", but after the Gentoo hit the mainstream, it was decided to rename the site after statistics showed lots of PFYs started buying books on the "female anatomy", 50% of the rain-forest was destroyed in order to print such books, and they where also being sued by "AmazonWomanOnTheMoonVSQueenKong&HerculesInanAvacododesert.net" for the rights to a name they already owned copyright to. The Amazon vice-president in charge of the books and diaper-wear section of Amazon.com, Mr. T, was pittying the fools of the forests, so he decided to name the name of the website should be named after the rain-forest that provides him cheap paper and cheap sysadmins.
edit Why Should You Shop At Amazon.com?
edit Who Is Helping Run Amazon.com?
Monkeys!!! Monkeys!!! Monkeys!!!
Being the second most intelligent animals (only amoebas beat them), and only costing 1/100th the price of a human slave, monkeys are the perfect beings for sysadmin. They are trained hard by Amazon.com to give the best of the worst customer aggravation known to man. Yes, they are even worse then government run operations, barely, but they do manage to succeed at being the most incompetent staff known to man when it comes to customer service.
Amazon only trains them for the most important tasks: Yell at users in every language but English. Drink Coffee. Make users life a living hell. Ignore requests for assistance. Spend more time xeroxing their butts then doing anything productive.
You may be wondering what exactly it is that separates Amazon.com staff with regular government employed staff employees? And the answer to put it simply without going into technical terms or needing a lawyer to explain the technical babble of it all is simply... fuck all really!
Although Amazon uses ZUNIX on their MSX servers, the monkeys do not have any UNIX training. As the server complex holds around 1 gogol of monkeys (around 1/10th of the Brazilian monkey population), each monkey has a keyboard, where they will type at random. Like any UNIX flavor, 90% of times the monkeys will type a valid command. Now you know why Amazon has so much downtime. Whilst these monkeys type, they have also written a lost Shakespeare play, which Amazon is now considering selling to the masses, just as soon as they've turned it into an Audio-book, because who the hell reads any more?
edit Bezos' Incredible Patentable Innovations
ripping offcoming up with the mind-boggling advance of one-click-ordering, Bezos has patented hundreds of astounding inventions, such as 'manual autoerotic stimulation of the Human genitalia' and 'moving the eyelids in a vertical manner in respect of the bodily stance coupled with a corresponent and subsequent upward motion', and 'A method of distinguishing the homo sapien arse from the homo sapien elbow.'
edit Employee Rights & Productivity
Each employed monkey working for Amazon.com is granted their own electro-shocking pager which obviously means that customer service 24x7 will be at the top of Bezos' list. Bezos himself wears a device should it be necessary to dictate another moronic edict that other people should work longer hours and HOLISTIC DINGLEBERRIES MAKE PROFIT MORE.
Each monkey will be awarded with;
1. Efficient ZUNIX Monkey training
2. Papercut insurance
3. 24/7 phone Gentoo evangelists These are the important formulas that help produce the succession rate of Amazonian monkey slavery trade. Monkeys are happy to work for Amazon.com under the penile code #633 which states "all monkeys may work at amazon.com and be paid with nothing but bananas and the rights to cut down 17% of the Amazon rain-forest each year to support their supply and demand for paperback purchases of the autobiography of Martina Natravalova titled, "How I Licked All Those Cunts at Wimbledon" and the excessive amounts of paper wasted each year by the Amazon.com senior staff for photocopying their butts at each executives meeting.
edit Customer Service
Don't Be Surprised If Your Amazon.com Order From Two Years Ago Still Hasn't Arrived
This is a new highly acclaimed Amazon.com outreach program designed to aid anti-AIDS wars and eliminate world poverty. Bono strangely hasn't supported this movement, but give it enough time and he's bound to, as that douche-bag would support the opening of an envelope as long as it has a stamp on it with a picture of a tree.
Just in time for Christmas 2007, Amazon.com began selling its "Kindle" e-book reader for $39,999.99. Free shipping, but you have to pay for heavily multi-uses of the companies logo printed all over the wrapping paper. Resembling an Apple Newton, but with an older operating system installed, it never needs to be plugged in and is constantly connected to the internet via NSA tracking satellites. It is charged through an elaborate converter system that feeds off nearby apathy and sloth. An impersonator of Presidential Medal of Freedom and Emmy Winner Toni Morrison has been seen ambling about Central Park showing off her Kindle and its 30x40 pixel screen.
edit DO NOT USE
Amazon.com has employed, since it's creation, many various former aggravated assault offenders. The majority of these offenders simply lurk in the shadows, waiting for the appropriate moment to make a snide comment to a co-worker or scratch their name above some other dude's name in the bathroom stalls.
However, in recent time several of these repeat offenders have become secret vigilantes, placing items worthy only of being used as fodder for a tactical nuke, or perhaps stuffing in an incinerator, into fake 'test categories.' The most well known of these test categories is entitled "DO NOT USE," in hopes of becoming an overused internet meme, screamed by four year olds on the playground and grandmothers at knitting competitions, until it has been used so much that everyone is sick of it and they all move on to something else.
These vigilantes operate in a complete shroud of secrecy, rarely emerging from the shadows in which they do their work, and only posting products to these categories late at night and highly under the influence of alcohol and crystal-meth. If one is ever seen in public, assuming they clearly identify themselves, it is best to stay away. Products in the DO NOT USE category at the so called blog Amazon are best avoided as well.
Amazon.com has also shown big support for fascists everywhere, by completely regulating all of it's books, spreading propaganda e-mails to members about certain books it likes (mainly rabid Islamic Jihad Against Israel pamphlets) and banning/censoring/not carrying/randomly wiping comment pages on ones it doesn't like (poems written by Israeli lawyers, bankers, doctors AKA Jewish people). It also has as mentioned above, a seemingly completely inept administrators, but specifically they are e-gestapo monkeys.
edit DRACONIAN DRM
Warning! Amazon.com contains SecuROM, a nasty backdoor trojan condom which hides itself in your RAMs and bytes really hard. Where do these companies get off treating us paying customers like criminals? I will never visit Amazon.com again! Boycott the internet!
- ↑ Yes, the US patent office is staffed with fuckwits.